(no subject)
Dear God,
You always been looking our for me. I am blessed in so many ways, yet I was stubborn to turn to You. Thank you for all your love and guidance. Even if I always took the wrong path, You still gave me everything I needed. I'm sorry I kept my heart closed off to You for so long. I know it's never too late, and I'm happy to have been able to return to Your grace. My prayers will always to be for You to give me strength and wisdom to do Your bidding, and to love You and others, including myself. I hope I'll be able to fulfill my purpose.
The day I got that letter to further my degree at AUHS, I thought I'd go there to get my BSN and maybe restore my faith. That was really just a small side thought that came to mind, but didn't really think much of it. Attending school and becoming closer to the staff and such, I started losing more faith. I thought the school was a joke, and I ended up stuck there with no other option but just to finish. It didn't help losing the person I loved for six years during the start of the most difficult parts of my course. Living solely for the sake of living wasn't working for me. I remember the day in the bathroom I was tired of life, but couldn't just end it. This wasn't too long after my second break up. Remembering the pain I caused the people so close to me after trying to overdose on anything I could find wouldn't let me so. So I decided to just live, because I will die eventually. The thought of death comforted me. Since I was no longer a believer, even though I did long to want to, I felt it wouldn't matter if there was a Heaven or Hell. I'd be going to Hell either way or be stuck in Purgatory at most.
But there You were. You were always there. The people you gathered before me wouldn't let me give up. And when I tried to to ruin everything, You turned it all around.
Alma is truly a tool of faith for Your making. "Isn't it amazing?" She would say so many times. A woman who reminds me so much of my own mother. After what happened, there was no way I could deny Your existence. And now I can become the man I thought I never could be. I really have to work for it. I hope to give it my best.
So many people throughout my life. My family, my close friends. They helped me through so much, I want to do the same for them. And if I can't, I hope to do it for others. My parents, my sisters, Alma, Claudine, Byron, Noelle, Stephanie, Jennifer, and so many others I can't even fathom. These are people so special in my life and I love them. I love them. For them, I will find my own happiness so I can share with them everything I am. The sorrow that has encapsulated me for most of my life will always be a part of me. I have to do what I can not to fall back into depravity. The self loathing I once had will no longer dictate the poor choices I made to further the self hatred. My moral compass now has a better and clearer direction, now the I have You. I want to be close to the people I love. I want to be close to You. I hope my words and feelings stay true.
You always been looking our for me. I am blessed in so many ways, yet I was stubborn to turn to You. Thank you for all your love and guidance. Even if I always took the wrong path, You still gave me everything I needed. I'm sorry I kept my heart closed off to You for so long. I know it's never too late, and I'm happy to have been able to return to Your grace. My prayers will always to be for You to give me strength and wisdom to do Your bidding, and to love You and others, including myself. I hope I'll be able to fulfill my purpose.
The day I got that letter to further my degree at AUHS, I thought I'd go there to get my BSN and maybe restore my faith. That was really just a small side thought that came to mind, but didn't really think much of it. Attending school and becoming closer to the staff and such, I started losing more faith. I thought the school was a joke, and I ended up stuck there with no other option but just to finish. It didn't help losing the person I loved for six years during the start of the most difficult parts of my course. Living solely for the sake of living wasn't working for me. I remember the day in the bathroom I was tired of life, but couldn't just end it. This wasn't too long after my second break up. Remembering the pain I caused the people so close to me after trying to overdose on anything I could find wouldn't let me so. So I decided to just live, because I will die eventually. The thought of death comforted me. Since I was no longer a believer, even though I did long to want to, I felt it wouldn't matter if there was a Heaven or Hell. I'd be going to Hell either way or be stuck in Purgatory at most.
But there You were. You were always there. The people you gathered before me wouldn't let me give up. And when I tried to to ruin everything, You turned it all around.
Alma is truly a tool of faith for Your making. "Isn't it amazing?" She would say so many times. A woman who reminds me so much of my own mother. After what happened, there was no way I could deny Your existence. And now I can become the man I thought I never could be. I really have to work for it. I hope to give it my best.
So many people throughout my life. My family, my close friends. They helped me through so much, I want to do the same for them. And if I can't, I hope to do it for others. My parents, my sisters, Alma, Claudine, Byron, Noelle, Stephanie, Jennifer, and so many others I can't even fathom. These are people so special in my life and I love them. I love them. For them, I will find my own happiness so I can share with them everything I am. The sorrow that has encapsulated me for most of my life will always be a part of me. I have to do what I can not to fall back into depravity. The self loathing I once had will no longer dictate the poor choices I made to further the self hatred. My moral compass now has a better and clearer direction, now the I have You. I want to be close to the people I love. I want to be close to You. I hope my words and feelings stay true.