Chipperness twice removed.
I had me a nice happy mood earlier, and while it's not completely gone, I'm feeling a bit, oh, under the weather now. Not depressed, just... Something. I've been thinking about "her". (I borrowed that little descriptive technique from Meredith.) I miss "her". More than I should. Those moments when everything was gone and it was just "her". That's how it was. Every time I was near "her" (God Meredith, how the hell do you find the patience to put in so many quotation marks?), everything else just faded away. Sometimes I get through a few hours without thinking about "her".
I wish I could make it a whole day. Just one whole day. No regrets, no reminiscing, no little voice in the back of my head saying "You should've stayed you coward... then you could at least see her again." I miss the way she looked at me. I never felt that attractive until I met her. (The bloody quotation marks are just right off now.) Those eyes that saw through all the bullshit I wear like a mask, the way she knew everything without being told. There was this moment when we just sat and stared eachother in the eyes and it felt like I finally understood everything. The universe made sense. Neither of us could look away... The way she would walk in front of me in the hall and then on the way back walk behind me. I asked once what that was all about. She said that she wanted to check out my ass, but it always took her until the trip back to think about it. "Why then walk in front on the way there?" "Because I like the way you check out mine..."
I miss the way she would always go out of her way to walk by my desk. The way she would pretend to come get something out of my desk just so she could say hi. People used to ask us if we were a couple because we were always together. She used to blush. "No, we're not... Not yet..." She always thanked me for working on her stuff when she was sick. She would work on mine when I wasn't there.
I was the only person to remember her birthday there. I put up all kinds of streamers and stuff and her supervisor asked why. "Cause it's her birthday tomorrow." I knew she was only going to be there for an hour or so, but I wanted it to be... She didn't even stay an hour. She came by my desk and thanked me for the birthday card and the flowers. She said she wished she could spend the day with me. I would have quit just to have spent the day with her.
Sometimes we wouldn't even talk. We didn't need to. We would just sit there, just looking at eachother. Both of us thinking the exact same thing. Half of a conversation. We never needed the other half. "Do you think...?" "Yeah, but..." "It's a shame that..." "I Know..." "I wish..." "So do I." It was like that from the first moment we met.
She told her mom about me. Every time I spoke with her mom she was always so nice to me. "It's so great she has you to be there for her... You didn't have to do that for her, that was sooooo sweet... She can't stop talking about you... When are you going to come over so everyone can finally meet you?" I'm not there anymore... I told her I would always be there for her, and I'm not there. I can't.
I threw away her number, her address, everything. Just like before, lose everything, run away. That little voice whispering "coward" every time I look out the window...
I wish I could make it a whole day. Just one whole day. No regrets, no reminiscing, no little voice in the back of my head saying "You should've stayed you coward... then you could at least see her again." I miss the way she looked at me. I never felt that attractive until I met her. (The bloody quotation marks are just right off now.) Those eyes that saw through all the bullshit I wear like a mask, the way she knew everything without being told. There was this moment when we just sat and stared eachother in the eyes and it felt like I finally understood everything. The universe made sense. Neither of us could look away... The way she would walk in front of me in the hall and then on the way back walk behind me. I asked once what that was all about. She said that she wanted to check out my ass, but it always took her until the trip back to think about it. "Why then walk in front on the way there?" "Because I like the way you check out mine..."
I miss the way she would always go out of her way to walk by my desk. The way she would pretend to come get something out of my desk just so she could say hi. People used to ask us if we were a couple because we were always together. She used to blush. "No, we're not... Not yet..." She always thanked me for working on her stuff when she was sick. She would work on mine when I wasn't there.
I was the only person to remember her birthday there. I put up all kinds of streamers and stuff and her supervisor asked why. "Cause it's her birthday tomorrow." I knew she was only going to be there for an hour or so, but I wanted it to be... She didn't even stay an hour. She came by my desk and thanked me for the birthday card and the flowers. She said she wished she could spend the day with me. I would have quit just to have spent the day with her.
Sometimes we wouldn't even talk. We didn't need to. We would just sit there, just looking at eachother. Both of us thinking the exact same thing. Half of a conversation. We never needed the other half. "Do you think...?" "Yeah, but..." "It's a shame that..." "I Know..." "I wish..." "So do I." It was like that from the first moment we met.
She told her mom about me. Every time I spoke with her mom she was always so nice to me. "It's so great she has you to be there for her... You didn't have to do that for her, that was sooooo sweet... She can't stop talking about you... When are you going to come over so everyone can finally meet you?" I'm not there anymore... I told her I would always be there for her, and I'm not there. I can't.
I threw away her number, her address, everything. Just like before, lose everything, run away. That little voice whispering "coward" every time I look out the window...