Lesson Learned
Well it's the end of the fucked up week from hell. I'm leaving this gawd-forsaken place that is Amanda tomorrow, never to return. I've finally gotten closure, big time.
But I'm a martyr. I'm too critical. I don't think about how she feels, I take advantage of her, her car, her life. Whatever, I could respond and say all of the things I feel in this forum but to what end. She hurt me, I hurt her, and dove is just chocolate.
So now what? Well, I don't have to wonder about "what if" anymore so there's that load off. Will we be friends? Probably about as good of friends as Nic and I are now. Which is as it should be I suppose. Ex girlfriends aren't best friends. They are ex girlfriends. Get a grip. And she's got Becky, let her be the one that "knows her."
I do miss Victoria. I miss feeling like I am worth something. Victoria makes me feel valued. And I don't have any clearer vision of where our path leads now than I did when I left. But she looks at me. She touches my face. She says the pain will go away tomorrow, in Spanish, and it does. And we dance together really well. I miss her rosy cheeks.
I've often been an ass with her because I've been hanging onto the idea of Amanda. How cruel am I? Well the idea of Amanda has died this week, but that doesn't fill the hole in the heart up. I think I will be in mourning again, only differently this time. I think instead of mourning my relationship with Amanda, I will be mourning that naive part of myself. And really, this is bullshit dramatics, but there was a part of me that was naively hopeful...and now I am completely numb. Certainly not hopeful that anything would happen this week, because that part was clear in my mind as bad idea incarnate. But hopeful that she was my "Mr. Big." That years from now, we could finish these experiences with cute kind wood-workers, artists, and everything in between. And that in the end we kiss on a bridge and know that we were always the ones.
And see, that's where I have to stop watching so much tv. It doesn't ever work that way in real life. In real life your ex is so disgusted by the thought of you thinking they are the "love of your life" that they treat you like shit so that you know it's not true. In real life, a break-up is the end. And if it's not, if you keep getting back together over and over it's really just Einstein's definition of insanity. The result doesn't change crazy.
And in retrospect, as this week has brought into hindsight, she wasn't ever the one. No strike that, she was the one moment. Mendo was perfect. And that one moment will always be the perfect memory. But she was not the perfect girlfriend. And I shouldn't confuse a moment with a lifetime.
So lesson learned, chapter over.
Can we start 2006 over again?
Reset.
But I'm a martyr. I'm too critical. I don't think about how she feels, I take advantage of her, her car, her life. Whatever, I could respond and say all of the things I feel in this forum but to what end. She hurt me, I hurt her, and dove is just chocolate.
So now what? Well, I don't have to wonder about "what if" anymore so there's that load off. Will we be friends? Probably about as good of friends as Nic and I are now. Which is as it should be I suppose. Ex girlfriends aren't best friends. They are ex girlfriends. Get a grip. And she's got Becky, let her be the one that "knows her."
I do miss Victoria. I miss feeling like I am worth something. Victoria makes me feel valued. And I don't have any clearer vision of where our path leads now than I did when I left. But she looks at me. She touches my face. She says the pain will go away tomorrow, in Spanish, and it does. And we dance together really well. I miss her rosy cheeks.
I've often been an ass with her because I've been hanging onto the idea of Amanda. How cruel am I? Well the idea of Amanda has died this week, but that doesn't fill the hole in the heart up. I think I will be in mourning again, only differently this time. I think instead of mourning my relationship with Amanda, I will be mourning that naive part of myself. And really, this is bullshit dramatics, but there was a part of me that was naively hopeful...and now I am completely numb. Certainly not hopeful that anything would happen this week, because that part was clear in my mind as bad idea incarnate. But hopeful that she was my "Mr. Big." That years from now, we could finish these experiences with cute kind wood-workers, artists, and everything in between. And that in the end we kiss on a bridge and know that we were always the ones.
And see, that's where I have to stop watching so much tv. It doesn't ever work that way in real life. In real life your ex is so disgusted by the thought of you thinking they are the "love of your life" that they treat you like shit so that you know it's not true. In real life, a break-up is the end. And if it's not, if you keep getting back together over and over it's really just Einstein's definition of insanity. The result doesn't change crazy.
And in retrospect, as this week has brought into hindsight, she wasn't ever the one. No strike that, she was the one moment. Mendo was perfect. And that one moment will always be the perfect memory. But she was not the perfect girlfriend. And I shouldn't confuse a moment with a lifetime.
So lesson learned, chapter over.
Can we start 2006 over again?
Reset.