But...
I don't know where else I can go to get this out. My problems are nothing compared to what some of you all are dealing with. They're not even really problems but it's the compounded and bottled experiences that hurt me nonetheless. I used to be more active in this community many years ago and have been pulled in this direction when something hurt but I always found a way to bounce back and recover. I just can't hold it off anymore. Not after this morning. Sorry if some of this isn't quite as coherent but I just can't think straight enough to compose something more structured.
I don't even know how to put it into words. Basically I've been treading through the muck and mud of dating and online dating which is soul crushing for guy actually looking for something of substance. No illnesses or maladies but still pain. It's been so long since I've had any kind of real companionship. Probably around three years now since my last girlfriend threw me away. I just feel so lonely again.
I've gone on dates but they never lead to a second date. One and done. I would be slightly bummed about it but I got over it. They were nice and I wouldn't have minded trying to talk more but they usually disappear instead of just telling me they're not interested anymore. This last one however really hurt.
Even now some movie where some geek gets the perfect girl is playing and it hurts. It's even at the happy montage of them in the puppy love stage but I digress.
In the last month I was lucky enough to have gone on two promising dates with two great girls. The first one just up and disappeared like all the rest of them. I had hopes but they vanished as quick as it started. After weeks of messaging and flirting and getting my confidence back.
On Wednesday I went on a near perfect date with a girl that showed all the signs of being interested. I woke up to her messages. Sent me messages on her breaks and wanted to know what I was up to. It's been a long time since that has happened but I still I kept my guard up. She even said she was happy that I took her out, she wanted to see me again, she asked me when I was available and all of that. I was happy for the first time in a very long time thinking that finally I'll have someone to care for and and at least try to get to know. We would talk all night and laugh at all the things we found in common. I felt so comfortable around her.
Then after that day she stopped messaging me as much and I started to worry. It's usually that make or break time. Another day goes by and I message her but she doesn't respond. I hold out a little more hope and think she's just busy. She wanted to see me again is what she said, she enjoyed herself. She told me to message her that I got home safe.
This morning she gives me the message I'm all too used to. "You're amazing but..." All I wanted was another chance or at least the comfort of having someone that actually wants to talk to you. Seems nowadays the only messages I get are those stating my phone bill is due or something else I need to pay for. It was nice to have that break. I can see the abyss I have to crawl into now. I don't know how else I could have been better. What else I could have done. What I did wrong. Whatever it was she doesn't want me, it's her choice and there's nothing I can do about it.
This one hurt. A lot. We had an incredible amount in common and I even spoke her native language. She was incredibly smart and beautiful but I know now I probably don't deserve that. I know it was only one date but I just felt how great we would be together and how I would have treated her better than she's ever been treated. But it's just a fairy tale. It only hurts so much because I know I won't find another girl like her and it's been so long since I've been happy. It hurts more that I work across from the place where we first met.
I'm considering just giving up.The other girls were whatever but this one... I'll just make my career my girlfriend at least she's steady. I feel I'll probably never find someone with that much in common who at least seemed to be interested if only for one month. I thought about giving up at the start of this year. It goes back nearly ten years now. New Years day was the last time I left a draft here. I haven't had someone to be with on New Years since ringing in 2006. God that's hurts just thinking about it. Everyone else kissing their girls and me just looking down at my drink in silence knowing it's only going to get harder. Another digression, sorry. My mind is everywhere and my stomach is empty in a dark room behind an old laptop. Now I have to get up and put a smile on my face and go out into the world like everything is okay.
I feel like she was just dangled in front of me just for me to get hurt again. I respect her decision and told her I will not contact her again. I don't know why I actually expected anything else. Why can't I get it together? Why does it bother me so much when other have actual problems. Perhaps I'm just that messed up that simple things like a girl that doesn't care to talk to me bothers me that much. I don't want to hear the platitudes and Hallmark bullshit "It'll happen when you lease expect it." "It's not your time." "Everything happens for a reason." I can't handle that right now. I just need to stop writing and step away.
I feel like that beat and starving dog that has permission to eat the steak in front of him. He's cautious and takes a step forward, trembling with the pain of hunger. He takes one last look up at the beautiful, smiling chef she was and says "it's okay!" He looks at the steak and inches closer, sniffing the plate and then gets kicked in the gut and laughed at and told to fuck off. Now I'm trembling, hungry and know I'll be like this for a long time.
I don't even know how to put it into words. Basically I've been treading through the muck and mud of dating and online dating which is soul crushing for guy actually looking for something of substance. No illnesses or maladies but still pain. It's been so long since I've had any kind of real companionship. Probably around three years now since my last girlfriend threw me away. I just feel so lonely again.
I've gone on dates but they never lead to a second date. One and done. I would be slightly bummed about it but I got over it. They were nice and I wouldn't have minded trying to talk more but they usually disappear instead of just telling me they're not interested anymore. This last one however really hurt.
Even now some movie where some geek gets the perfect girl is playing and it hurts. It's even at the happy montage of them in the puppy love stage but I digress.
In the last month I was lucky enough to have gone on two promising dates with two great girls. The first one just up and disappeared like all the rest of them. I had hopes but they vanished as quick as it started. After weeks of messaging and flirting and getting my confidence back.
On Wednesday I went on a near perfect date with a girl that showed all the signs of being interested. I woke up to her messages. Sent me messages on her breaks and wanted to know what I was up to. It's been a long time since that has happened but I still I kept my guard up. She even said she was happy that I took her out, she wanted to see me again, she asked me when I was available and all of that. I was happy for the first time in a very long time thinking that finally I'll have someone to care for and and at least try to get to know. We would talk all night and laugh at all the things we found in common. I felt so comfortable around her.
Then after that day she stopped messaging me as much and I started to worry. It's usually that make or break time. Another day goes by and I message her but she doesn't respond. I hold out a little more hope and think she's just busy. She wanted to see me again is what she said, she enjoyed herself. She told me to message her that I got home safe.
This morning she gives me the message I'm all too used to. "You're amazing but..." All I wanted was another chance or at least the comfort of having someone that actually wants to talk to you. Seems nowadays the only messages I get are those stating my phone bill is due or something else I need to pay for. It was nice to have that break. I can see the abyss I have to crawl into now. I don't know how else I could have been better. What else I could have done. What I did wrong. Whatever it was she doesn't want me, it's her choice and there's nothing I can do about it.
This one hurt. A lot. We had an incredible amount in common and I even spoke her native language. She was incredibly smart and beautiful but I know now I probably don't deserve that. I know it was only one date but I just felt how great we would be together and how I would have treated her better than she's ever been treated. But it's just a fairy tale. It only hurts so much because I know I won't find another girl like her and it's been so long since I've been happy. It hurts more that I work across from the place where we first met.
I'm considering just giving up.The other girls were whatever but this one... I'll just make my career my girlfriend at least she's steady. I feel I'll probably never find someone with that much in common who at least seemed to be interested if only for one month. I thought about giving up at the start of this year. It goes back nearly ten years now. New Years day was the last time I left a draft here. I haven't had someone to be with on New Years since ringing in 2006. God that's hurts just thinking about it. Everyone else kissing their girls and me just looking down at my drink in silence knowing it's only going to get harder. Another digression, sorry. My mind is everywhere and my stomach is empty in a dark room behind an old laptop. Now I have to get up and put a smile on my face and go out into the world like everything is okay.
I feel like she was just dangled in front of me just for me to get hurt again. I respect her decision and told her I will not contact her again. I don't know why I actually expected anything else. Why can't I get it together? Why does it bother me so much when other have actual problems. Perhaps I'm just that messed up that simple things like a girl that doesn't care to talk to me bothers me that much. I don't want to hear the platitudes and Hallmark bullshit "It'll happen when you lease expect it." "It's not your time." "Everything happens for a reason." I can't handle that right now. I just need to stop writing and step away.
I feel like that beat and starving dog that has permission to eat the steak in front of him. He's cautious and takes a step forward, trembling with the pain of hunger. He takes one last look up at the beautiful, smiling chef she was and says "it's okay!" He looks at the steak and inches closer, sniffing the plate and then gets kicked in the gut and laughed at and told to fuck off. Now I'm trembling, hungry and know I'll be like this for a long time.