Long overdue RL update - fandom update coming soon, promise!
Late, late, late as per me…. Yup!
Well I had good intensions to update - not over this weekend, but throughout the month: to post in several comms, reply to people, send out cards, thank you’s and acknowledgments to several of you- to be productive here and at home (laundry, dishes, making the bed etc…) but none of these happened. Instead I was in and out of depression, but this weekend I truly wallowed *hangs head*
I was good through Aug/Sept, but shortly after I posted An Omega’s Lot I was an emotional mess. It was like I was emotionally reliving everything that happened the previous year with mom. While it was happening I really didn’t allow myself to lose it. I needed to be there for mom, my aunts, dad etc… then I was kinda of numb with packing/moving, my brother then everything with Amanda. I was going through the emotions of dealing with everyone else of my anger, hurt etc… but through it all I kept moving forward. It’s been my mantra all year.
In Oct/Nov my muse left the building and made me focus on my rl. In hindsight I guess it was a b-day gift- not just a slice of the yummy cake below.
No by making some painful *good* realizations, but also walking the talk and confronting a few family members. I get it I can’t change anyone, they’re going to do what they’re going to do, BUT I can change how I react and respond to them! I ended up having a nice father-daughter chat and finally telling him straight out that when he’s being an ass and hurting my feelings I’m going to call him on it and NOT hold it in to stew and fester like I have my entire life. Surprisingly he was happy and encouraged me to do just that - so it was a win. With my brother after loaning him $250 I didn’t hear from him for almost 2 months (no calls, texts nothing!) Finally I did see him on his birthday as dad wanted to celebrate it. His only comment to me was I could have gone to his place. Ha! So I did ;)
Annoyed, but with Xmas tree in hand (an extra that was in storage) 2 weeks later, I did just that. He didn’t respond to my call or texts not even while I was standing at his door. I had to knock on his window; he finally opened the door. It turns out his cell was in the car - how he avoids everyone. Anyhoo I helped put up the tree and hung out for almost an hour. Meaning at this point, his depression/isolation may or may not change. If I need to see him I have make the effort and go to him. At least I know and I’m happy to say he is in counseling (why he initially needed the $), so maybe in time things will change for the better.
It was after this trip I went over to dad’s to visit and ended up having a good talk with him and Yolanda (the girlfriend). I was pretty sure dad never said anything about what Amanda did - I was right. We were talking about the holidays they asked me how I wanted to celebrate. That’s how Amanda was brought up. I told both of them (dad) I didn’t want a repeat of last year. It wasn’t good, doh, mom not being there. However outside of that, both Amanda and dad hurt my feelings by their lack of respect and foresight. How? Mom’s last gift to the kids was 2 train sets. Mom knew what she wanted and made dad go out early and them. One set was for toddlers the other was a fancy expensive set for adults not kids - for a collector that might put around a tree. They hurt my feelings by opening gifts before I got there- both train sets, and then let the kids (a one and two year old) open the boxes. Of course they played, broke and destroyed the adult set. Later that day was when I caught Amanda in one of her lies (wearing mom’s make-up same make-up mom had wanted me to take.) I noticed, commented on and Amanda blatantly lied saying Grandma gave it to her.
So I went through all that told dad for me that was one of the joys of the holiday was seeing the kids open their gifts. However if I’m not family to Amanda then I’d make other arrangements that I wasn’t going to allow him or Amanda to do that to me again. This opened up a lot and Yolanda added her 2 cents of how Amanda treats her kids. Not abusive, she does love them, but she’s terrible at discipline and teaching them anything. Plus Gabriel has problems; he still doesn’t eat and is underweight. It’s really starting to show, Aaron the youngest is bigger and healthier than Gabriel. At some point I asked dad if Yolanda knows what Amanda did why she and I were/are so strained. No, was his response then he sat there listening to me tell Yolanda the entire story - the money and her trip to Disneyland. Yolanda turned to him wondering if I was embellishing anything- again no. Finally he even added his own 2 cents. It gave her a better idea about all the undercurrent shit that’s been going on.
Anyhoo I’m still in counseling and it’s helped a lot! I decided to follow mom’s example and celebrate Christmas. I came to this by remembering how mom handled it. First my uncle (mom’s oldest brother) died Nov 1989. She went back to CT only to return a few weeks later when my grandmother, Nan, died Dec 5th. We both flew back for the services. I was extremely close to Nan as was mom- we celebrated Christmas that year with love and family as we did the following year. The following months in 1990, I decided to move back to CT to reconnect with my family there. In 1992, my aunt Beadie, mom’s oldest sister (who was like a 2nd grandmother to me) passed away on Christmas day. Mom was in flight while I was there in the room when she passed away.
Again there is a lot of joy coming from a large family, but it also brings a lot of heartache when people start passing away. This year I was reminded of everyone who had passed away, and how mom still always celebrated Christmas- she didn’t go into a depressive funk of grieving - instead she held on to us and strengthened her bonds with her other siblings. It had always been a beloved holiday growing up one that she passed on to me. So remembering this I started to get into the spirit by decorating, I even went shopping.
I was feeling good (better!) that even my muse came back. Wrote a snip of Dexter then yay finished my bigbang. Although Dec was crazybusy and I had heartaches of mom's last days then with work, family the usual. Overall it was good.
Christmas Eve I spent with Dad and Yolanda’s family (she also has a large family one of seven siblings. I met a lot of them on Thanksgiving- they are very warm, loving people and truly embraced and welcomed me into their family.) Christmas day was really nice. No gifts were opened until after Jeff and I arrived. Amanda and I had a good chat where I expressed that I do love her that she’s family, but right now we’re not friends and that I don’t like her that we (she) has a lot of work to do to build any kind of relationship between us. She was okay with that and seemed to take my advice from earlier in the year about counseling to heart and has started. She had also got me a gift a lovely photo album that she partially filled with the kids. I can only hope it’s truly a new start and that she is seeking help.
Christmas day: dinner, company, everything was good. It wasn’t great, but it was really good. That was until I was leaving dad’s house later that night. Another guest, Joanna, was leaving with me. We were the last to leave. Walking to our cars she starts telling me how wonderful and magical they (dad/Yolanda) were, finding love like that- I don’t know remember everything she said as she went on for several minutes, but I was SO shocked and hurt- honestly it was like being stabbed in the heart. I was numb and left. Once home I broke down and it was the start of many crying jags. I worked Thurs/Fri, both were rough days and I couldn’t shake this doom of grief that hit hard.
When dad called Friday to see if I wanted to join him (it was mom’s b-day) I declined. I did ask about Joanna if she actually knew who I was, or if she didn’t like mom. Turns out she had said a few strange things, but the main thing was she thought Yolanda was mom. Dad thinks she might have beginning set of Alzheimer. I had no hate and felt better that it wasn’t a personal attack- still it opened that door of grief. So yeah since then it’s been really hard to let it go.
I’m working on it. That door will always be there and I can acknowledge I will always have moments and bouts of grief (& cry like a baby) for the rest of my life - but like Nan, Beadie, Bobby, my father, mom will always be missed, thought of and loved every moment of every day. I’d like to live the rest of my life trying to apply everything she taught me- to live, be happy and keep moving forward.
So that’s my rl update - the comments, thank you’s and fb of <33333333333333333 will be coming!!
Also a fandom update to come with a roundup of 2013 and hopes/goals for 2014.
Now I’m off to go wash my face, get dressed and get my ass to work!
Well I had good intensions to update - not over this weekend, but throughout the month: to post in several comms, reply to people, send out cards, thank you’s and acknowledgments to several of you- to be productive here and at home (laundry, dishes, making the bed etc…) but none of these happened. Instead I was in and out of depression, but this weekend I truly wallowed *hangs head*
I was good through Aug/Sept, but shortly after I posted An Omega’s Lot I was an emotional mess. It was like I was emotionally reliving everything that happened the previous year with mom. While it was happening I really didn’t allow myself to lose it. I needed to be there for mom, my aunts, dad etc… then I was kinda of numb with packing/moving, my brother then everything with Amanda. I was going through the emotions of dealing with everyone else of my anger, hurt etc… but through it all I kept moving forward. It’s been my mantra all year.
In Oct/Nov my muse left the building and made me focus on my rl. In hindsight I guess it was a b-day gift- not just a slice of the yummy cake below.
No by making some painful *good* realizations, but also walking the talk and confronting a few family members. I get it I can’t change anyone, they’re going to do what they’re going to do, BUT I can change how I react and respond to them! I ended up having a nice father-daughter chat and finally telling him straight out that when he’s being an ass and hurting my feelings I’m going to call him on it and NOT hold it in to stew and fester like I have my entire life. Surprisingly he was happy and encouraged me to do just that - so it was a win. With my brother after loaning him $250 I didn’t hear from him for almost 2 months (no calls, texts nothing!) Finally I did see him on his birthday as dad wanted to celebrate it. His only comment to me was I could have gone to his place. Ha! So I did ;)
Annoyed, but with Xmas tree in hand (an extra that was in storage) 2 weeks later, I did just that. He didn’t respond to my call or texts not even while I was standing at his door. I had to knock on his window; he finally opened the door. It turns out his cell was in the car - how he avoids everyone. Anyhoo I helped put up the tree and hung out for almost an hour. Meaning at this point, his depression/isolation may or may not change. If I need to see him I have make the effort and go to him. At least I know and I’m happy to say he is in counseling (why he initially needed the $), so maybe in time things will change for the better.
It was after this trip I went over to dad’s to visit and ended up having a good talk with him and Yolanda (the girlfriend). I was pretty sure dad never said anything about what Amanda did - I was right. We were talking about the holidays they asked me how I wanted to celebrate. That’s how Amanda was brought up. I told both of them (dad) I didn’t want a repeat of last year. It wasn’t good, doh, mom not being there. However outside of that, both Amanda and dad hurt my feelings by their lack of respect and foresight. How? Mom’s last gift to the kids was 2 train sets. Mom knew what she wanted and made dad go out early and them. One set was for toddlers the other was a fancy expensive set for adults not kids - for a collector that might put around a tree. They hurt my feelings by opening gifts before I got there- both train sets, and then let the kids (a one and two year old) open the boxes. Of course they played, broke and destroyed the adult set. Later that day was when I caught Amanda in one of her lies (wearing mom’s make-up same make-up mom had wanted me to take.) I noticed, commented on and Amanda blatantly lied saying Grandma gave it to her.
So I went through all that told dad for me that was one of the joys of the holiday was seeing the kids open their gifts. However if I’m not family to Amanda then I’d make other arrangements that I wasn’t going to allow him or Amanda to do that to me again. This opened up a lot and Yolanda added her 2 cents of how Amanda treats her kids. Not abusive, she does love them, but she’s terrible at discipline and teaching them anything. Plus Gabriel has problems; he still doesn’t eat and is underweight. It’s really starting to show, Aaron the youngest is bigger and healthier than Gabriel. At some point I asked dad if Yolanda knows what Amanda did why she and I were/are so strained. No, was his response then he sat there listening to me tell Yolanda the entire story - the money and her trip to Disneyland. Yolanda turned to him wondering if I was embellishing anything- again no. Finally he even added his own 2 cents. It gave her a better idea about all the undercurrent shit that’s been going on.
Anyhoo I’m still in counseling and it’s helped a lot! I decided to follow mom’s example and celebrate Christmas. I came to this by remembering how mom handled it. First my uncle (mom’s oldest brother) died Nov 1989. She went back to CT only to return a few weeks later when my grandmother, Nan, died Dec 5th. We both flew back for the services. I was extremely close to Nan as was mom- we celebrated Christmas that year with love and family as we did the following year. The following months in 1990, I decided to move back to CT to reconnect with my family there. In 1992, my aunt Beadie, mom’s oldest sister (who was like a 2nd grandmother to me) passed away on Christmas day. Mom was in flight while I was there in the room when she passed away.
Again there is a lot of joy coming from a large family, but it also brings a lot of heartache when people start passing away. This year I was reminded of everyone who had passed away, and how mom still always celebrated Christmas- she didn’t go into a depressive funk of grieving - instead she held on to us and strengthened her bonds with her other siblings. It had always been a beloved holiday growing up one that she passed on to me. So remembering this I started to get into the spirit by decorating, I even went shopping.
I was feeling good (better!) that even my muse came back. Wrote a snip of Dexter then yay finished my bigbang. Although Dec was crazybusy and I had heartaches of mom's last days then with work, family the usual. Overall it was good.
Christmas Eve I spent with Dad and Yolanda’s family (she also has a large family one of seven siblings. I met a lot of them on Thanksgiving- they are very warm, loving people and truly embraced and welcomed me into their family.) Christmas day was really nice. No gifts were opened until after Jeff and I arrived. Amanda and I had a good chat where I expressed that I do love her that she’s family, but right now we’re not friends and that I don’t like her that we (she) has a lot of work to do to build any kind of relationship between us. She was okay with that and seemed to take my advice from earlier in the year about counseling to heart and has started. She had also got me a gift a lovely photo album that she partially filled with the kids. I can only hope it’s truly a new start and that she is seeking help.
Christmas day: dinner, company, everything was good. It wasn’t great, but it was really good. That was until I was leaving dad’s house later that night. Another guest, Joanna, was leaving with me. We were the last to leave. Walking to our cars she starts telling me how wonderful and magical they (dad/Yolanda) were, finding love like that- I don’t know remember everything she said as she went on for several minutes, but I was SO shocked and hurt- honestly it was like being stabbed in the heart. I was numb and left. Once home I broke down and it was the start of many crying jags. I worked Thurs/Fri, both were rough days and I couldn’t shake this doom of grief that hit hard.
When dad called Friday to see if I wanted to join him (it was mom’s b-day) I declined. I did ask about Joanna if she actually knew who I was, or if she didn’t like mom. Turns out she had said a few strange things, but the main thing was she thought Yolanda was mom. Dad thinks she might have beginning set of Alzheimer. I had no hate and felt better that it wasn’t a personal attack- still it opened that door of grief. So yeah since then it’s been really hard to let it go.
I’m working on it. That door will always be there and I can acknowledge I will always have moments and bouts of grief (& cry like a baby) for the rest of my life - but like Nan, Beadie, Bobby, my father, mom will always be missed, thought of and loved every moment of every day. I’d like to live the rest of my life trying to apply everything she taught me- to live, be happy and keep moving forward.
So that’s my rl update - the comments, thank you’s and fb of <33333333333333333 will be coming!!
Also a fandom update to come with a roundup of 2013 and hopes/goals for 2014.
Now I’m off to go wash my face, get dressed and get my ass to work!