About Last Night
You won’t believe what happened. There’s no way to preface this, so I’m just going to come out and say it. Last night, as I was just finishing studying and about to go to bed, there was a knock on my door. It was Pam. I hadn’t seen her since that Halloween party. She asked if she could come in and I said yea. She was wearing this tight black top and a bright pink miniskirt-she looked quite attractive in it. She started saying that she was so sorry for the way she treated me and that she was wrong and she missed me so much. She started going on and on about how nice I had been and she just really wants me. I was thinking about all those things that my friends here on LJ have told me about her, but you know what, at that moment, none of it mattered. All I could think about was the good times we shared and how much I wanted them again. So I put my arms around her and hugged her. She kissed me and I kissed her back. And in seconds, it was like none of the unpleasantness of the last three weeks had ever happened. I got so excited to be with her. We were kissing and licking and shirts started flying off. It was so great. We spent the night in bed together and I was so happy. And I thought she was too.
Until this morning when we woke up. It was just like that other time, only worse. She’s hitting me with the pillow and screaming at me and calling me all kinds of names. I didn’t get all of them, but she said I was Satan and the devil and the snake that tempted Eve. She said I had used magic to lure her back and seduce her and that I was pure evil and she was this innocent Christian and I didn’t know how to respond because the whole thing seemed so ludicrous and I was completely unexpecting it, since last night was so full of love and lust and positive feelings.
In the end, I just shouted at her to get out and she did. Finally alone, I was so upset I just started crying. I couldn’t believe what had happened. I had let myself get lured back into this unhealthy relationship, let down my guard, and set myself up for such a letdown. Damn. I couldn’t go to class I was so upset.
Why does it seem all my relationships get so fucked up? You know, I don’t think I’ve had a healthy relationship with anyone I’ve had sex with. Even Carrie. Now, we were best friends for such a long time, but now it’s like we hardly ever see each other. We hung out a lot last summer, but since school started, you know, we’ve only seen each other three times. She’s got all her UCF friends and I’ve got all my Rollins friends. And we talk on the phone like less than once a week now. (When we were 15, we talked for like three hours every day.) And in all this, I haven’t been able to tell her about all the shit with Pam. I can’t tell my “best friend” but I tell all these strangers on LJ. How fucked up is that?
Will I ever have a normal relationship? Sandy and Carol both have long term boyfriends. Why can’t I? I don’t even know if I want that. For some reason, a long term exclusive relationship with a boy my age just doesn’t turn me on. Instead, I’m either attracted to girls or jerks or older men. What’s wrong with me? And can it be fixed?
Until this morning when we woke up. It was just like that other time, only worse. She’s hitting me with the pillow and screaming at me and calling me all kinds of names. I didn’t get all of them, but she said I was Satan and the devil and the snake that tempted Eve. She said I had used magic to lure her back and seduce her and that I was pure evil and she was this innocent Christian and I didn’t know how to respond because the whole thing seemed so ludicrous and I was completely unexpecting it, since last night was so full of love and lust and positive feelings.
In the end, I just shouted at her to get out and she did. Finally alone, I was so upset I just started crying. I couldn’t believe what had happened. I had let myself get lured back into this unhealthy relationship, let down my guard, and set myself up for such a letdown. Damn. I couldn’t go to class I was so upset.
Why does it seem all my relationships get so fucked up? You know, I don’t think I’ve had a healthy relationship with anyone I’ve had sex with. Even Carrie. Now, we were best friends for such a long time, but now it’s like we hardly ever see each other. We hung out a lot last summer, but since school started, you know, we’ve only seen each other three times. She’s got all her UCF friends and I’ve got all my Rollins friends. And we talk on the phone like less than once a week now. (When we were 15, we talked for like three hours every day.) And in all this, I haven’t been able to tell her about all the shit with Pam. I can’t tell my “best friend” but I tell all these strangers on LJ. How fucked up is that?
Will I ever have a normal relationship? Sandy and Carol both have long term boyfriends. Why can’t I? I don’t even know if I want that. For some reason, a long term exclusive relationship with a boy my age just doesn’t turn me on. Instead, I’m either attracted to girls or jerks or older men. What’s wrong with me? And can it be fixed?