Five Hilarious and Adorable Things About My Parents
I am here doing my laundry and got all inspired-like.
1. They have an answering machine. It is 2011! No one has an answering machine anymore. Theirs is a combo fax/answering machine type thing, where you can hear every click and whirr it makes when you're trying to leave a message. The outgoing message sounds like my mom is underwater. And why would they need a fax machine? They are both over 65! What do you possibly have to do when you're a senior citizen that requires you to have a fax machine?
2. Whenever I leave here, they load me up with a ton of stuff I don't need, including this tiny set of teapot-shaped ceramic teabag holders. TEABAG HOLDERS! Like, these fancy little things that you put your used teabag on when you're having tea with the Queen. I tried to convince my mom that I did not do any kind of entertaining, ever, which called for those, but she shoved them in my bag the last time I was here anyway.
3. This is seriously the cleanest house in the entire world. The faucets are always shiny because my mom has a thing where she has to wipe them down after turning them off. Also, there is never anything in the dishwasher - this blows my mind. At my place, the dishwasher is either half-full of dirty dishes or completely full of clean ones, and there's usually at least a sink's worth of dirty ones sitting there waiting to go in. Do they use exactly enough dishes to fill it every night and empty it first thing in the morning when they wake up?
4. My mom has a weakness for snacky things like crackers and chips, but she almost never eats them. Also, she can't stand to run out of something, so she stockpiles. This means that their pantry is always full of delicious salty goodness, but none of the packages are open, so I feel weird about opening them myself (and if she never eats this stuff, it means it's just going to go all stale and gross, right?). My dad is all about sweets and pastries, but he mows those down like nobdy's business, so there is always an almost-empty package of strawberry danishes or something in the fridge - but of course, you don't touch those unless he says you can. They're also not vegan, so I'm not really interested anyway, but between these two, it's like a forbidden Willy Wonka factory all up in here.
5. I bought a giant, fuzzy spider a few years ago. Seriously, it's about ten feet across with the legs out. I left it here when I moved in with Wil, and just never got around to bringing it to our apartment. Now they keep it in the tiny kitchenette in their finished basement, but way off in the corner with some pots and pans and Christmas decorations and whatnot. It pops out at you when you have to go in there to get something, and scares the crap out of me every time. Every. Time. I can't believe my parents still keep it around.
1. They have an answering machine. It is 2011! No one has an answering machine anymore. Theirs is a combo fax/answering machine type thing, where you can hear every click and whirr it makes when you're trying to leave a message. The outgoing message sounds like my mom is underwater. And why would they need a fax machine? They are both over 65! What do you possibly have to do when you're a senior citizen that requires you to have a fax machine?
2. Whenever I leave here, they load me up with a ton of stuff I don't need, including this tiny set of teapot-shaped ceramic teabag holders. TEABAG HOLDERS! Like, these fancy little things that you put your used teabag on when you're having tea with the Queen. I tried to convince my mom that I did not do any kind of entertaining, ever, which called for those, but she shoved them in my bag the last time I was here anyway.
3. This is seriously the cleanest house in the entire world. The faucets are always shiny because my mom has a thing where she has to wipe them down after turning them off. Also, there is never anything in the dishwasher - this blows my mind. At my place, the dishwasher is either half-full of dirty dishes or completely full of clean ones, and there's usually at least a sink's worth of dirty ones sitting there waiting to go in. Do they use exactly enough dishes to fill it every night and empty it first thing in the morning when they wake up?
4. My mom has a weakness for snacky things like crackers and chips, but she almost never eats them. Also, she can't stand to run out of something, so she stockpiles. This means that their pantry is always full of delicious salty goodness, but none of the packages are open, so I feel weird about opening them myself (and if she never eats this stuff, it means it's just going to go all stale and gross, right?). My dad is all about sweets and pastries, but he mows those down like nobdy's business, so there is always an almost-empty package of strawberry danishes or something in the fridge - but of course, you don't touch those unless he says you can. They're also not vegan, so I'm not really interested anyway, but between these two, it's like a forbidden Willy Wonka factory all up in here.
5. I bought a giant, fuzzy spider a few years ago. Seriously, it's about ten feet across with the legs out. I left it here when I moved in with Wil, and just never got around to bringing it to our apartment. Now they keep it in the tiny kitchenette in their finished basement, but way off in the corner with some pots and pans and Christmas decorations and whatnot. It pops out at you when you have to go in there to get something, and scares the crap out of me every time. Every. Time. I can't believe my parents still keep it around.