"Heave Ho, Thieves And Beggars, Never Shall We Die..." (BAD. ASS.)
(Why, do you ask, was this a post two days in the making? Well, see, if I had posted without giving my reaction some time to properly settle, the following would have most likely been an entry entirely composed of nothing but Barbossa and Norrington's names OVER and OVER again.)
So, seeing the movie Thursday was, well, as AWESOME as you would have expected.
We got to entertain the crowd for a little over an hour...there were about twenty of us being pirates or pirate-affiliated peasants (plus these two guys dressed in really rad undead pirate costumes) and a line of people that literally streched around the block outside. Excitement was HIGH. We did some of our songs, ran a couple fights, did patron interactions like trying to recruit pirates or getting them to help us find treasure, and even gave out shiny Aztec gold coin replica pendants (provided by the theatre people) to audience members that could answer movie trivia questions for us (my question: "What was Captain Barbossa's first name?" I figured if no one got it I'd go back to the front of the line and try something easier: "What's Barbossa's favorite fruit?", but a girl about halfway through the line finally got "Hector", with some minor alphabetical prompting).
And then, The Hour was upon us, and the doors opened for the very first screening at shortly after eight of the clock.
And I? Got to go in with them.
See, the theatre was willing to let all of us see the movie for free, but naturally they weren't going to stiff the paying customers by leaving seats open for all twenty-ish of us at once. So they said they'd let six of us in for the first showing.
I kind of felt bad about cutting in front of the group like that, but when they asked for volunteers, we all spent about five minutes doing that shuffley-footed sideways glance of not wanting to be the first to volunteer because we're all trying to be good people. So finally, we got two people who kind of needed to be able to leave earlier anyways, and another four of us that were basically like "Fuck it man, I wanna see the movie".
Of course, since they let us in last we were stuck in the front row, but really? After the first five minutes or so you get used to it (still, an excuse to see the movie a second time, oh gee). Plus, we each got a free medium soda and small popcorn in addition to the Totally Free Viewing of the movie (and we're getting some movie passes and posters eventually as well).
So, let's recap: Me, front row, first showing of PotC3:AWE on opening day, five friends and we're all in pirate garb, with free admission and munching on free concessions.
Oh yeah, I win so very very much. (And to think about two years ago when geministep first told me about the Renn Guild, I totally thought I'd just go to the first meeting and probably not come back)
But, anyway, I think you all could probably care less about the details of how I got to see the movie and rather, the details of my reaction to the main event itself...
OH MY GOD. How many times can I say "MADE OF AWESOME" before it becomes completely pathetic?? Because I think we're about to test the boundaries on that one, right here.
Okay, first of all, I think I randomly fell in love with that repeated "Hoist The Colors" song, just because...I don't what this is, but I have this thing about songs that make bold rebellious statements along the lines of "never shall we die". And the opening? With them singing it as they rattle their chains on the way to the gallows? YES. HELLS FUCKING YES.
I'll get some of the most hardcore squeeing out of the way right here: Was it just my imagination, or did Barbossa completely and utterly STEAL THE ENTIRE MOVIE WITH THE SHEER POWER OF HIS BADASSERY?? Oh, man, but did he pwn. He pwned so very very hard.
Oh, BARBOSSA. It just...every time he was on screen!! Every time. Every line, every eyeroll, every little gesture or flicker or annuciation. I can't even begin to describe it.
Like, the look on his face when he's trying to figure out just where Elizabeth was hiding that bigass pistol. Or the way he just got fed up and shoved Ragetti's eye back in its socket. Or his CRAZY MOFO LAUGHING AS THEY SHIP-DUEL TO THE DEATH IN THE RAGING WHIRLPOOL ALJKKGD;;LHHDH;HFFDS. Really, that WHOLE SCENE RIGHT THERE. Him taking the helm and MAKING IT HIS BITCH and then just PWNING ALL THE BAD GUYS ALL OVER THE PLACE. BARBOSSA FOR THE WIN, MAN. OMGWTFBARBOSSA.
Really, this was a great movie for all the minor players, I think. They totally stole the show. I mean...Pintel and Ragetti? How great were they?? All that stuff with Pintel's eye (he was totally carving a new one at the end there, by the way), and Pintel stepping all over Gibbs trying to be Mr. Dramatic Exposition like always, and Ragetti figuring out what it meant to say the magic words "as if speaking to a lover" (you GO Ragetti, because that was AWESOME), and Pintel trying to put a vote in as pirate captain and Ragetti offering to vote for him, and just...oh my GOD, you should have heard the NOISE level in the theatre at the "What would happen if you dropped a cannonball on one?" part. An ENTIRE theatre of people losing their shit and going into hysterics at once, that's what we had. And it was BEAUTIFUL.
And Murtogg and Mullroy, back again and just as ridiculous as ever. Oh, you two! Not to mention executing the quickest, most perfectly-timed side (not to mention costume) switch in the history of EVER. Huzzah for the newest pirate recruits, I guess...? That was just so very For The Win XD
And, oh, OH, Governor Swann. Oh, that part killed me more than a little bit. In some ways that's almost more of an emotional gut-punch than seeing someone get killed...seeing their soul in some kind of afterlife setting afterwards and KNOWING they've been killed without actually getting to see it ("Are you dead?" "No..." "I think I am." WIBBLE!!). That was just so sad. I mean, Governor Swann...he was a bit of a stiff but he was still a sweet old guy whose heart was in the right place and CUTLER BECKETT YOU BASTARD.
I mean, sure we got the whole foreshadowy "I think he's outlived his usefulness blah blah blee" thing, but, really, if every person a bad guy ever said that about died, no one would ever survive to the final credits. So the boats-in-the-afterlife sequence still came as a bit of a shock. (Still, I think part of me knew it, during that scene in Beckett's office where Gov Swann and Norrie exchange that LOOK, like, "Dude, we are so boned", and I really think part of me knew right then and there that they were both doomed. Which sequws me neatly into...)
NORRINGTON. Oh GOD, OH GOD, WHY, OH THE HUMANITY...!! *dramatic sobbing fit*
SNIFF. I...it just...oh, Norrie, damn you and your goddamn sweet beautiful sense of nobility and honor. Oh man. SO. NOT. FAIR. Cut my heart in twain!!
That all being said, of course, believe it or not I'm not exactly MAD about it. Because there's two kinds of "I Am Upset Over This Character Death" responses, one of them being the "Bad Storytelling" response and the other being the "But I LOVE THEM!!" response, and this is the second kind.
Because, yeah, Norrington just always was THAT character, the one that dies nobly so that the main guys don't have to. It sounds kind of ridiculous coming right after my "why do they always have to die to be redeemed??" mini-upset over Spiderman 3, but I dunno, I guess I just personally feel it does fit with the direction of his character and where his story went over the course of the trilogy.
Not that I was 100% sure he was doomed from the get-go...you guys should have seen me FREAKING OUT during the escape from the Flying Dutchman, and I have no idea HOW I restrained because from screaming "GO WITH HER!! GO WITH HER!!!" at the screen, because, Oh GOD, I KNEW. I just KNEW right then and there, that this was going to go one of two ways: either he was actually going to get away with Elizabeth and the pirates and make it to the final battle, or he was going to be killed right then and there. And, well...we all saw what happened.
Not...the worst death, to be honest: he stood doing what he believed in (and, IMO, it wasn't JUST for Elizabeth, but rather that she was the catalyst in that moment that made him realize he had ended up on the wrong side) and what he knew was right and...look: Big Damn Hero.
And the little "Do you fear death?"/*STABBITY*/"...I'll take that as a 'no'." exchange? Hells yes. As far as I'm concerned, that was the most obvious closest thing you're going to get to a "FUCK YOU" in a Disney-sanctioned movie. Big. Damn. Hero. (I want that on icon, somebody, for reals)
(At the same time, of course, I can't be completly happy with that. Really, my main problem was just that there wasn't nearly enough of him in this movie. Norrington's death came WAY too early for my tastes; what, they couldn't find a way to work him into a few more scenes?? Please. And I'm particularly miffed that the only main character he really got to interact with was Elizabeth...not ONE friggin' dialouge exchange with Jack?? They couldn't even be in the ROOM together, ever? Oh come ON. Give us slashers something to go on, for crying out loud. I mean, you threw a bone to the Will/Jack people. You CANNOT convince me that I imagined that there was a part where it totally looked like Jack was about to kiss him, before he shoved him in the water. IT WAS SO THERE.)
But, the main reason I think I'm not grieving too hard (not TOO hard, mind you, which still means grieving pretty damn hard) over Norrington's dramatic exit? Something that one of you on my flist (ficangel, I'm 99% certain) pointed out after the second movie came out: no matter who dies or why or how...mystical ressurrection is now 100% canon in the PotC 'verse. So there is plenty of precedent to bring 'em all back without even going into AU territory in fanfic, and, dude, we all know its happening. As I type this, some 12 year old is bringing James back from the grave so he can shack up with Elizabeth's long-lost free-spirited sister, Mary Sue Swann. So I'll just sit back and look forward to the summer and the Sparrington ressurrection-a-go-go bonanaza-fest that will soon be upon us. (In fact, I myself may or may not follow through with an idea involving merpeople and the Garden of Hesperides. Just stick with me on this one.)
And, oh god, Tia Dalma (aka Calypso) and Davy Jones! FUCKED-UP OTP FOREVAH, and I so called her being his long-lost love way back when the first movie came out (the Calypso thing, however? not so much). But I don't think I ever could have predicted how beautifully screwy it played out.
Because they are so my favorite kind of tragic lovers: where they love and hate each other so much at the same time that the two become unreconcilable. It's just such a wonderfully horrible thing to watch in the interplay as everything slowly and unavoidably all falls apart.
And, really, both of them were pretty damn awesome independantly in this movie, too. Davy was just being a pretty rad BASTARD (the face-squishing/suffocation thing with Mercer? HELLZ YA), with his mystical shiznit and all. And, lord, did my voodoo princess girlfriend kick all kinds of ass or what?? It was kind of a similiar effect that Barbossa (BARBOSSA) had going on where she just showed up on the screen and was instantly BADASS. Sekret Sea Goddess FTW!!
And, hey, welcome to the inside of Captain Jack Sparrow's wonderful wide WORLD OF CRAZY. I mean, Jack was just, you know, his awesome Jack self ("I mean, who am I?" "......" "...I'm Captain Jack Sparrow!!") all over this movie to begin with, but dear god, THE TWITCHY. Now that made me laugh. Though, it was also a little disturbing at times...I mean, it made sense when he was in The Locker, but I'm not sure how much I liked us still seeing those weirdass visions of himelf after he escaped. And the sea creature-ified Jack vision on the Dutchman? Yeah, definitely could have skipped out on that one (and was it just me, or was there an inordinate amount of people licking things they really shouldn't be in this movie? I swear it was reoccuring thing).
But still. He was JACK. His swaggery, confident, crazyass, plan-concocting, double-talking, twisted convolusion of morals self. And really, would we have him any other way? No. No, we would not.
And speaking again of audience reactions, you should have heard the absolute fit we had going on in our theatre over Captain Teaque. Oh, how crazyass sweetness was he?? With the rad Captain Hook-esque red coat and the crazy crazy crucifix and skull motifs. AND THE SHRUNKEN HEAD. AHAHAHAHA. And, I kind of am just in love with the fact that such a carefree breaker of the rules like Jack has a father that's so obsessed with following the pirate code (which is apparantly not such more of a guideline after all, considering it's actually WRITTEN DOWN somewhere, like, way to go, you guys!) that he would kill over it. OF COURSE.
And I don't know why, but I loved loved LOVED the flip-the-boat scene SO HARD. I swear, I really don't even know why. But something about that particular group of characters, running back and forth and back and forth across the deck, throwing themselves into the railing...I loved it. Loved loved LOVED it.
And oh...my poor squidy baby, the Kraken!! I don't care how you may or may not have felt about it before, but you cannot tell me that shot of it on the beach wasn't...I mean, how heart-rending was that? (And how pretty damn nifty was the dialogue exchange between Barbossa and Jack about things coming to an end during that scene, at that? WOOT) Really, I think that was was cut it for me as far as Beckett being evil: knowing that he made Davy Jones kill the Kraken. Hanging children? Meh, it's been done. But for what you did to the Kraken, you be damn happy you exploded before I got to you, you diminutive bastard!!
(And how hilariously smug were all those little interludes with him, anyway? Jack and the portrait, and then both of them goofing with the fan! And then teatime with Will! HEE.)
And also, kind of just have to point out that I also love how flippin' badass both the Turners (cus they're married now!) have become. I mean, how ballsy was Will, up and down and all over this movie? And when did he get an earring, anyway?? SCORE. And...Pirate King Elizabeth Swann? Okay, that is just so ridiculous that it goes straight out the other side and becomes AWESOME again, that's what that is right there. And just the way she looked at the end, in that kickin' asian gold and black outfit with her hair streaming around her face as she announces that they are going to war, bitches, and they're not holding back?? Oh MAN.
And...dudes, the wedding?? On the deck of the Black Pearl, in the middle of a battle with the Flying Dutchman, in a raging storm, IN A FUCKING WHIRLPOOL, fighting off pirates every which way, between Will Turner and Elizabeth Swann and performed by Barbossa himself. BEST. WEDDING. EVER. Words completely fail me just how KICKASS that all was(and, clearly, I think that was exactly what was being foreshadowed in DMC when Jack mentioned he could perform weddings as a ship's captain. Oh, Ted and Terry, you clever clever bastards). Seriously, I was sitting there bouncing in my seat, kicking my feet and giggling like a five year old on an entire packet of pixy stix. IT WAS UNBELIEVABLE.
So, is Will (Captain Effin' Turner of the Flying Dutchman, BITCHES) immortal now? Is that how that works? Because if so, that's definitely going to be a problem down the line, as far as their relationship goes. I mean...I'm not hating on him becoming the new captain mainly because, at the point it was done, the alternative was DEAD. But still. I'm thinking that's gotta be a problem.
(Oh, and the part with the heart getting stabbed? Yeah, hi, I want to take the symbolic thematic elements of that little sequence and have babies with it, thanks. Because you know they didn't do that shit on accident. The heart is stabbed by Will Turner, aided by Jack Sparrow, using James Norrington's sword. DUDE. It just...as far as things all coming together and tying in and being imbued with meaning as far as it goes to the telling of a story, I just...I just...*flaily motions*...WOAH.)
And, yeah, I'll admit, I kind of became an inappropriate fifteen-year-old there for a minute at the end:
"So, basically they did nothing but have sex ALL DAY LONG? Rock ON, you guys."
It just...wow. What a movie.
So many many many throwbacks (the monkey and the eye, sea turtles, rum being gone, the dog with the keys, Scarlet and Giselle [and Gibbs totally scores at the end there, ahahaha!], slapping, the code, "poppet", Captain Jack Sparrow, eunuchs [well, you explain that one dude's ridiculously squeaky voice] everyone yelling "FIRE!" at once, and I am convinced that little smiling exchange over Barbossa calling Elizabeth "Mrs. Turner" was totally a wink back at the way he called her "Miss Turner" back in the first movie when they had her captive the first time). So much crazy wacky zany random humor ("Oh yes, the 'Nine Pieces of Whatever We Happen To Have On Us At The Time'. Sounds nice." And the whole thing about Shipwreck Cove and pirates being uncreative at naming things and "I knew a fellow once that lost both arms and an eye." "What did you call him?" "...Larry."). Whole new runnig gags (the peanut, the thing about people pointing at someone else as the captain whenever they got captured).
(And, but my god, was that a twisty plotline. I mean, it never really quite lost me so I'm not counting it as a con, but DAMN. There were times when I was seriously going "Okay, so who is secretly doing what because they want why and they're working with huh?" And then they'd switch sides. AGAIN.)
And really, everything you could ever want from the conclusion to a giantic blockbuster movie trilogy...kickass action, compelling drama, breath-taking special effects, tons of humor, well-timed romance, sad moments that stop your heart for just that second...everything. It was all there. Everything I needed. Everything I wanted. Everything.
And what a way to go out...not unlike the way we came in, but still with that final note, but still in that way that lets you that, in their world at least, the story's still going strong:
Captain Jack Sparrow and the pirates, at odds over his ship, on yet another daring adventure after an impossible treasure. Drink up me hearties, yo ho.
What a movie. What an experience. What a movie.
And now it's over......but, not too over. Because the spirit of the pirates? The spirit that this movie captures? Will live on, forever and ever. And ever.
*sings* ...never shall we diiiie.
EDITED TO ADD:
Because about three people have already asked in the comments, yes, I stayed for the after-the-credits scene. DUH. Come on, you guys, what do you take me for?
So, seeing the movie Thursday was, well, as AWESOME as you would have expected.
We got to entertain the crowd for a little over an hour...there were about twenty of us being pirates or pirate-affiliated peasants (plus these two guys dressed in really rad undead pirate costumes) and a line of people that literally streched around the block outside. Excitement was HIGH. We did some of our songs, ran a couple fights, did patron interactions like trying to recruit pirates or getting them to help us find treasure, and even gave out shiny Aztec gold coin replica pendants (provided by the theatre people) to audience members that could answer movie trivia questions for us (my question: "What was Captain Barbossa's first name?" I figured if no one got it I'd go back to the front of the line and try something easier: "What's Barbossa's favorite fruit?", but a girl about halfway through the line finally got "Hector", with some minor alphabetical prompting).
And then, The Hour was upon us, and the doors opened for the very first screening at shortly after eight of the clock.
And I? Got to go in with them.
See, the theatre was willing to let all of us see the movie for free, but naturally they weren't going to stiff the paying customers by leaving seats open for all twenty-ish of us at once. So they said they'd let six of us in for the first showing.
I kind of felt bad about cutting in front of the group like that, but when they asked for volunteers, we all spent about five minutes doing that shuffley-footed sideways glance of not wanting to be the first to volunteer because we're all trying to be good people. So finally, we got two people who kind of needed to be able to leave earlier anyways, and another four of us that were basically like "Fuck it man, I wanna see the movie".
Of course, since they let us in last we were stuck in the front row, but really? After the first five minutes or so you get used to it (still, an excuse to see the movie a second time, oh gee). Plus, we each got a free medium soda and small popcorn in addition to the Totally Free Viewing of the movie (and we're getting some movie passes and posters eventually as well).
So, let's recap: Me, front row, first showing of PotC3:AWE on opening day, five friends and we're all in pirate garb, with free admission and munching on free concessions.
Oh yeah, I win so very very much. (And to think about two years ago when geministep first told me about the Renn Guild, I totally thought I'd just go to the first meeting and probably not come back)
But, anyway, I think you all could probably care less about the details of how I got to see the movie and rather, the details of my reaction to the main event itself...
OH MY GOD. How many times can I say "MADE OF AWESOME" before it becomes completely pathetic?? Because I think we're about to test the boundaries on that one, right here.
Okay, first of all, I think I randomly fell in love with that repeated "Hoist The Colors" song, just because...I don't what this is, but I have this thing about songs that make bold rebellious statements along the lines of "never shall we die". And the opening? With them singing it as they rattle their chains on the way to the gallows? YES. HELLS FUCKING YES.
I'll get some of the most hardcore squeeing out of the way right here: Was it just my imagination, or did Barbossa completely and utterly STEAL THE ENTIRE MOVIE WITH THE SHEER POWER OF HIS BADASSERY?? Oh, man, but did he pwn. He pwned so very very hard.
Oh, BARBOSSA. It just...every time he was on screen!! Every time. Every line, every eyeroll, every little gesture or flicker or annuciation. I can't even begin to describe it.
Like, the look on his face when he's trying to figure out just where Elizabeth was hiding that bigass pistol. Or the way he just got fed up and shoved Ragetti's eye back in its socket. Or his CRAZY MOFO LAUGHING AS THEY SHIP-DUEL TO THE DEATH IN THE RAGING WHIRLPOOL ALJKKGD;;LHHDH;HFFDS. Really, that WHOLE SCENE RIGHT THERE. Him taking the helm and MAKING IT HIS BITCH and then just PWNING ALL THE BAD GUYS ALL OVER THE PLACE. BARBOSSA FOR THE WIN, MAN. OMGWTFBARBOSSA.
Really, this was a great movie for all the minor players, I think. They totally stole the show. I mean...Pintel and Ragetti? How great were they?? All that stuff with Pintel's eye (he was totally carving a new one at the end there, by the way), and Pintel stepping all over Gibbs trying to be Mr. Dramatic Exposition like always, and Ragetti figuring out what it meant to say the magic words "as if speaking to a lover" (you GO Ragetti, because that was AWESOME), and Pintel trying to put a vote in as pirate captain and Ragetti offering to vote for him, and just...oh my GOD, you should have heard the NOISE level in the theatre at the "What would happen if you dropped a cannonball on one?" part. An ENTIRE theatre of people losing their shit and going into hysterics at once, that's what we had. And it was BEAUTIFUL.
And Murtogg and Mullroy, back again and just as ridiculous as ever. Oh, you two! Not to mention executing the quickest, most perfectly-timed side (not to mention costume) switch in the history of EVER. Huzzah for the newest pirate recruits, I guess...? That was just so very For The Win XD
And, oh, OH, Governor Swann. Oh, that part killed me more than a little bit. In some ways that's almost more of an emotional gut-punch than seeing someone get killed...seeing their soul in some kind of afterlife setting afterwards and KNOWING they've been killed without actually getting to see it ("Are you dead?" "No..." "I think I am." WIBBLE!!). That was just so sad. I mean, Governor Swann...he was a bit of a stiff but he was still a sweet old guy whose heart was in the right place and CUTLER BECKETT YOU BASTARD.
I mean, sure we got the whole foreshadowy "I think he's outlived his usefulness blah blah blee" thing, but, really, if every person a bad guy ever said that about died, no one would ever survive to the final credits. So the boats-in-the-afterlife sequence still came as a bit of a shock. (Still, I think part of me knew it, during that scene in Beckett's office where Gov Swann and Norrie exchange that LOOK, like, "Dude, we are so boned", and I really think part of me knew right then and there that they were both doomed. Which sequws me neatly into...)
NORRINGTON. Oh GOD, OH GOD, WHY, OH THE HUMANITY...!! *dramatic sobbing fit*
SNIFF. I...it just...oh, Norrie, damn you and your goddamn sweet beautiful sense of nobility and honor. Oh man. SO. NOT. FAIR. Cut my heart in twain!!
That all being said, of course, believe it or not I'm not exactly MAD about it. Because there's two kinds of "I Am Upset Over This Character Death" responses, one of them being the "Bad Storytelling" response and the other being the "But I LOVE THEM!!" response, and this is the second kind.
Because, yeah, Norrington just always was THAT character, the one that dies nobly so that the main guys don't have to. It sounds kind of ridiculous coming right after my "why do they always have to die to be redeemed??" mini-upset over Spiderman 3, but I dunno, I guess I just personally feel it does fit with the direction of his character and where his story went over the course of the trilogy.
Not that I was 100% sure he was doomed from the get-go...you guys should have seen me FREAKING OUT during the escape from the Flying Dutchman, and I have no idea HOW I restrained because from screaming "GO WITH HER!! GO WITH HER!!!" at the screen, because, Oh GOD, I KNEW. I just KNEW right then and there, that this was going to go one of two ways: either he was actually going to get away with Elizabeth and the pirates and make it to the final battle, or he was going to be killed right then and there. And, well...we all saw what happened.
Not...the worst death, to be honest: he stood doing what he believed in (and, IMO, it wasn't JUST for Elizabeth, but rather that she was the catalyst in that moment that made him realize he had ended up on the wrong side) and what he knew was right and...look: Big Damn Hero.
And the little "Do you fear death?"/*STABBITY*/"...I'll take that as a 'no'." exchange? Hells yes. As far as I'm concerned, that was the most obvious closest thing you're going to get to a "FUCK YOU" in a Disney-sanctioned movie. Big. Damn. Hero. (I want that on icon, somebody, for reals)
(At the same time, of course, I can't be completly happy with that. Really, my main problem was just that there wasn't nearly enough of him in this movie. Norrington's death came WAY too early for my tastes; what, they couldn't find a way to work him into a few more scenes?? Please. And I'm particularly miffed that the only main character he really got to interact with was Elizabeth...not ONE friggin' dialouge exchange with Jack?? They couldn't even be in the ROOM together, ever? Oh come ON. Give us slashers something to go on, for crying out loud. I mean, you threw a bone to the Will/Jack people. You CANNOT convince me that I imagined that there was a part where it totally looked like Jack was about to kiss him, before he shoved him in the water. IT WAS SO THERE.)
But, the main reason I think I'm not grieving too hard (not TOO hard, mind you, which still means grieving pretty damn hard) over Norrington's dramatic exit? Something that one of you on my flist (ficangel, I'm 99% certain) pointed out after the second movie came out: no matter who dies or why or how...mystical ressurrection is now 100% canon in the PotC 'verse. So there is plenty of precedent to bring 'em all back without even going into AU territory in fanfic, and, dude, we all know its happening. As I type this, some 12 year old is bringing James back from the grave so he can shack up with Elizabeth's long-lost free-spirited sister, Mary Sue Swann. So I'll just sit back and look forward to the summer and the Sparrington ressurrection-a-go-go bonanaza-fest that will soon be upon us. (In fact, I myself may or may not follow through with an idea involving merpeople and the Garden of Hesperides. Just stick with me on this one.)
And, oh god, Tia Dalma (aka Calypso) and Davy Jones! FUCKED-UP OTP FOREVAH, and I so called her being his long-lost love way back when the first movie came out (the Calypso thing, however? not so much). But I don't think I ever could have predicted how beautifully screwy it played out.
Because they are so my favorite kind of tragic lovers: where they love and hate each other so much at the same time that the two become unreconcilable. It's just such a wonderfully horrible thing to watch in the interplay as everything slowly and unavoidably all falls apart.
And, really, both of them were pretty damn awesome independantly in this movie, too. Davy was just being a pretty rad BASTARD (the face-squishing/suffocation thing with Mercer? HELLZ YA), with his mystical shiznit and all. And, lord, did my voodoo princess girlfriend kick all kinds of ass or what?? It was kind of a similiar effect that Barbossa (BARBOSSA) had going on where she just showed up on the screen and was instantly BADASS. Sekret Sea Goddess FTW!!
And, hey, welcome to the inside of Captain Jack Sparrow's wonderful wide WORLD OF CRAZY. I mean, Jack was just, you know, his awesome Jack self ("I mean, who am I?" "......" "...I'm Captain Jack Sparrow!!") all over this movie to begin with, but dear god, THE TWITCHY. Now that made me laugh. Though, it was also a little disturbing at times...I mean, it made sense when he was in The Locker, but I'm not sure how much I liked us still seeing those weirdass visions of himelf after he escaped. And the sea creature-ified Jack vision on the Dutchman? Yeah, definitely could have skipped out on that one (and was it just me, or was there an inordinate amount of people licking things they really shouldn't be in this movie? I swear it was reoccuring thing).
But still. He was JACK. His swaggery, confident, crazyass, plan-concocting, double-talking, twisted convolusion of morals self. And really, would we have him any other way? No. No, we would not.
And speaking again of audience reactions, you should have heard the absolute fit we had going on in our theatre over Captain Teaque. Oh, how crazyass sweetness was he?? With the rad Captain Hook-esque red coat and the crazy crazy crucifix and skull motifs. AND THE SHRUNKEN HEAD. AHAHAHAHA. And, I kind of am just in love with the fact that such a carefree breaker of the rules like Jack has a father that's so obsessed with following the pirate code (which is apparantly not such more of a guideline after all, considering it's actually WRITTEN DOWN somewhere, like, way to go, you guys!) that he would kill over it. OF COURSE.
And I don't know why, but I loved loved LOVED the flip-the-boat scene SO HARD. I swear, I really don't even know why. But something about that particular group of characters, running back and forth and back and forth across the deck, throwing themselves into the railing...I loved it. Loved loved LOVED it.
And oh...my poor squidy baby, the Kraken!! I don't care how you may or may not have felt about it before, but you cannot tell me that shot of it on the beach wasn't...I mean, how heart-rending was that? (And how pretty damn nifty was the dialogue exchange between Barbossa and Jack about things coming to an end during that scene, at that? WOOT) Really, I think that was was cut it for me as far as Beckett being evil: knowing that he made Davy Jones kill the Kraken. Hanging children? Meh, it's been done. But for what you did to the Kraken, you be damn happy you exploded before I got to you, you diminutive bastard!!
(And how hilariously smug were all those little interludes with him, anyway? Jack and the portrait, and then both of them goofing with the fan! And then teatime with Will! HEE.)
And also, kind of just have to point out that I also love how flippin' badass both the Turners (cus they're married now!) have become. I mean, how ballsy was Will, up and down and all over this movie? And when did he get an earring, anyway?? SCORE. And...Pirate King Elizabeth Swann? Okay, that is just so ridiculous that it goes straight out the other side and becomes AWESOME again, that's what that is right there. And just the way she looked at the end, in that kickin' asian gold and black outfit with her hair streaming around her face as she announces that they are going to war, bitches, and they're not holding back?? Oh MAN.
And...dudes, the wedding?? On the deck of the Black Pearl, in the middle of a battle with the Flying Dutchman, in a raging storm, IN A FUCKING WHIRLPOOL, fighting off pirates every which way, between Will Turner and Elizabeth Swann and performed by Barbossa himself. BEST. WEDDING. EVER. Words completely fail me just how KICKASS that all was(and, clearly, I think that was exactly what was being foreshadowed in DMC when Jack mentioned he could perform weddings as a ship's captain. Oh, Ted and Terry, you clever clever bastards). Seriously, I was sitting there bouncing in my seat, kicking my feet and giggling like a five year old on an entire packet of pixy stix. IT WAS UNBELIEVABLE.
So, is Will (Captain Effin' Turner of the Flying Dutchman, BITCHES) immortal now? Is that how that works? Because if so, that's definitely going to be a problem down the line, as far as their relationship goes. I mean...I'm not hating on him becoming the new captain mainly because, at the point it was done, the alternative was DEAD. But still. I'm thinking that's gotta be a problem.
(Oh, and the part with the heart getting stabbed? Yeah, hi, I want to take the symbolic thematic elements of that little sequence and have babies with it, thanks. Because you know they didn't do that shit on accident. The heart is stabbed by Will Turner, aided by Jack Sparrow, using James Norrington's sword. DUDE. It just...as far as things all coming together and tying in and being imbued with meaning as far as it goes to the telling of a story, I just...I just...*flaily motions*...WOAH.)
And, yeah, I'll admit, I kind of became an inappropriate fifteen-year-old there for a minute at the end:
"So, basically they did nothing but have sex ALL DAY LONG? Rock ON, you guys."
It just...wow. What a movie.
So many many many throwbacks (the monkey and the eye, sea turtles, rum being gone, the dog with the keys, Scarlet and Giselle [and Gibbs totally scores at the end there, ahahaha!], slapping, the code, "poppet", Captain Jack Sparrow, eunuchs [well, you explain that one dude's ridiculously squeaky voice] everyone yelling "FIRE!" at once, and I am convinced that little smiling exchange over Barbossa calling Elizabeth "Mrs. Turner" was totally a wink back at the way he called her "Miss Turner" back in the first movie when they had her captive the first time). So much crazy wacky zany random humor ("Oh yes, the 'Nine Pieces of Whatever We Happen To Have On Us At The Time'. Sounds nice." And the whole thing about Shipwreck Cove and pirates being uncreative at naming things and "I knew a fellow once that lost both arms and an eye." "What did you call him?" "...Larry."). Whole new runnig gags (the peanut, the thing about people pointing at someone else as the captain whenever they got captured).
(And, but my god, was that a twisty plotline. I mean, it never really quite lost me so I'm not counting it as a con, but DAMN. There were times when I was seriously going "Okay, so who is secretly doing what because they want why and they're working with huh?" And then they'd switch sides. AGAIN.)
And really, everything you could ever want from the conclusion to a giantic blockbuster movie trilogy...kickass action, compelling drama, breath-taking special effects, tons of humor, well-timed romance, sad moments that stop your heart for just that second...everything. It was all there. Everything I needed. Everything I wanted. Everything.
And what a way to go out...not unlike the way we came in, but still with that final note, but still in that way that lets you that, in their world at least, the story's still going strong:
Captain Jack Sparrow and the pirates, at odds over his ship, on yet another daring adventure after an impossible treasure. Drink up me hearties, yo ho.
What a movie. What an experience. What a movie.
And now it's over......but, not too over. Because the spirit of the pirates? The spirit that this movie captures? Will live on, forever and ever. And ever.
*sings* ...never shall we diiiie.
EDITED TO ADD:
Because about three people have already asked in the comments, yes, I stayed for the after-the-credits scene. DUH. Come on, you guys, what do you take me for?