Things I Am No Longer Allowed To Do Aboard Galactica
Okay, first of all, I need to disclaim that I did not come up with this list myself. A user going by the name of isabelstant over at the TWoP forums did.
That said, this list made me laugh for the entire period of time it took me to read through it, at which point in time I went back to reread it just so that I could laugh some more.
So I figured it needed to be shared with my fellow Battlestar Galactica fans who do not happen to frequent the forums.
So, here it is then, in all its glory:
Things I Am No Longer Allowed To Do Aboard The Battlestar Galactica:
1. Not allowed to refer to Samuel Anders as "Mr. Kara Thrace."
*Not allowed to refer to Major Adama as "Mr. Kara Thrace."
*Especially in front of his wife.
*Not allowed to suggest to Major Adama’s wife that she "do the cheating frakhead one better" by joining me in the rear cargo bay after hours.
2. Not allowed to refer to Admiral Adama as "Mr. Laura Roslin."
3. Not allowed to spell Colonel Tigh’s name "T-G-H" and claim "the Cylons took the I," as it is cruel and not remotely funny.
*Okay, so it’s hilarious. It’s still cruel.
4. Cleaning my gun in the pilots’ break room is acceptable. "Cleaning my gun" in the pilots’ break room is not.
*No, no matter what Captain Thrace said.
5. The following phrases are hereby banned from conversation: "budding sexuality," "necrophilia," "I hate everyone in this squadron and wish they were all dead," "sexual lubrication," "toasterfrakker," "all Marines are latent homosexuals," "all Viper jocks are blatant homosexuals," "naughty schoolteacher," "strap-on," "slut puppy," "the President’s baby mama," "shag the CAG," "New Caprican loco weed," or any reference to squid.
6. Only allowed to add "in accordance with the prophesy" to the ends of my sentences if given specific permission to do so by President Roslin.
*President Roslin did not give me permission to do so.
7. Asking "How do you keep an ECO in suspense?" and walking away isn’t even funny the first time.
8. Not allowed to refer to President Roslin as "Mom."
*Not allowed to refer to Admiral Adama as "Dad."
*No, not even if I am his actual son.
9. Not allowed to chew gum while flying CAP.
*No, not even if I brought enough for everyone.
10. Not allowed to suggest cannibalism as an alternative protein source.
11. President Roslin does not have "spanking privileges."
*Neither does Admiral Adama.
12. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I will assume that I’m not allowed to do it.
*If the thought of something makes Captain Thrace giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I will alert the CAG. Immediately.
13. Not allowed to speculate on the penis size of anyone who outranks me.
*Especially Captain Thrace.
14. While I may not actually be able to stop Captain Thrace from telling those stories about flight school, it behooves me not to appear visibly amused while she does so.
15. Colonel Tigh does not want to be called "Snookums."
*Neither does he respond favorably to "Sauly-poo," "Debbie," "Tighclops," or "Ol’ One-Eyes."
*Colonel Tigh is not Admiral Adama’s "heterosexual man-spouse."
16. I have not been appointed to a secret presidential sex squad.
*Not allowed to talk about it if I had been.
17. "I’ve heard every possible joke about Lieutenant Gaeta’s name" is not a challenge.
18. I am not a Cylon trapped in a human’s body.
19. Algae is not a personal lubricant.
20. Not allowed to get shot.
21. Not allowed to use image editing software to create incriminating photos of Admiral Adama and President Roslin.
*Not allowed to use image editing software to create incriminating photos of Major Adama and President Roslin.
*Not allowed to use image editing software. Period.
22. Not allowed to steal batteries from the deck crew for "personal use."
*Not allowed to attempt to explain "personal use."
23. I am not Model #13.
24. If Tory Foster hears me referring to her as "the president's sex-retary," she is hereby authorized to hurt me.
25.Not allowed to have comm sex while flying CAP.
*Not allowed to have comm sex with someone flying CAP.
*Not allowed to have comm sex. Period.
26. Not allowed to refer to the Biers documentary as “a Cylon perv tape.”
27. Not allowed to do that thing with the lollipop in President Roslin’s sight, ever.
*No, not even if Captain Thrace did it first.
28. Not allowed to contact Captain Katraine via séance in the hopes she’ll overrule Major Adama’s orders.
*Not allowed to contact anyone via séance. Period.
29. Not allowed to lock Major Adama and Captain Thrace in a supply closet in the hope that sex will take place.
*Even if it does.
*Not allowed to lock Major Adama and Samuel Anders in a supply closet in the hope that sex will take place.
*Even if it does.
*Not allowed to lock Captain Agathon and Chief Tyrol in a supply closet in the hope that sex will take place.
*Even if it does.
*Not allowed to lock anyone in a supply closet, for any reason.
*Or tape the results.
*No, not even if it would be great for morale.
30. Not allowed to join Demand Peace!
*Not allowed to join the SFM.
31. Not allowed to antagonize the CAG.
*Not allowed to call the CAG a wanker.
*Not allowed to short-sheet the CAG’s bed.
*Not allowed to attach photos of the CAG to the targets in the firing range.
*Not allowed to put the CAG’s hand in warm water while he’s sleeping.
*Not allowed to steal the CAG’s pants.
*No, not even if Captain Thrace did it first.
32. No part of my flight suit is edible.
33. If detained by security, I do not have the right to a strip search.
34. Not allowed to shake my groove thing in CIC.
35. Not allowed to use nuggets as currency.
36. Not allowed, under any circumstances, to ask President Roslin who died and put her in charge.
37. The time has passed for the joke about the Cylon, the pyramid team, the elevator, and Ellen Tigh.
*Or any of its variants.
38. There is no such thing as “recreational gun use.”
*No, not even if Captain Thrace did it first.
*Oh my gods, especially not if Admiral Cain did it first.
*Not allowed to mention Admiral Cain. Ever.
39. Captain Thrace is not a pre- or post-op ANYTHING.
40. Not allowed to utter the phrase "Save a Viper! Fly a pilot!" ever, ever again.
Also, I couldn't resist and added a few of my own (not nearly as funny) to the post...
41. Not allowed to use "pulling a Baltar" as a euphenism for going crazy.
*Or a euphenism for being "easy".
*Even if it is apt.
42. Not allowed to hand slices of bread to Lt. Agathon and ask her to "do me a quick favor."
43. Not allowed to "inspect" suspected Cylon agents for barcodes.
*Or glowing spines.
*Or manufactor's numbers.
44. Col. Tigh's first name is not Polyphemus.
*Calling him "Polly" is just asking for trouble.
45. I have not accepted Gaius Baltar as my personal savior.
*Neither has anyone else.
EDIT: Well, the people at the forum have been busy! Here's the rest of the gems, so far.
ladyboy:
46. Painting the word "Cylon" in someone's locker will never be funny
47. Not allowed to tell people that the second sign of being a cylon is "Hairs on the palms of your hands."
*I may not subsequently tell them that the first sign is"looking for them."
48. Not allowed to blame my mistakes on my imaginary girlfriend
*even if she is an angel
*even if she is a chip.
49. Kacey's mom does not have it going on.
bluedevilblue:
50. Admiral Adama is not a drama queen.
*Admiral Adama is not a queen of any kind.
*He's not a drama king, either.
*No, it doesn't matter what President Roslin said.
51. Not allowed to "borrow" the Cylon restraints for the weekend.
*Even if Captain Thrace asked you to.
Raksha:
52. Command decisions do not need to be ratified by the Quorum of 12.
53. I am not the Fleet Mascot.
54. I may not call do-overs during training maneuvers.
*No, not even if Captain Thrace does it.
55. Not allowed to wear a dress to Geminon chapel services.
56. A smilie face is not used to mark the position of a Cylon Basestar.
57. Cylon raiders are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell nuggets that they are.
58. I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of Boxey.
59. I cannot have Boxey thrown in the brig for being rude.
60. "I'm drunk" is a bad answer to any question posed by the CAG.
*Even if Captain Thrace says it.
61. There is no such thing as a were-Cylon.
62. Our Vipers cannot be assembled into a giant battle robot.
isabelstant:
63. Not allowed to ask Lieutenant Agathon intrusive questions about Cylon personal hygiene.
*No, not even if I call it "research."
*Not allowed to ask Captain Agathon intrusive questions about Cylon personal hygiene.
64. Not allowed to speculate in President Roslin's hearing about whether the carpet matches the drapes. Ever.
*(It does, but I didn't hear that here.)
65. Not allowed to get Lieutenant Gaeta drunk and plant him in anyone's rack.
*Again.
66. Not allowed to trade my gun for anything, including sexual favors, alcohol, or nuggets.
67. There is no rule against disseminating tasteful Roslin-on-Zarek pornography.
*No such thing exists.
68. Not allowed to stalk Captain Thrace.
*Not allowed to stalk Major Adama.
*Allowed, however, to stalk Captain Agathon, as he is unlikely to notice me doing it.
*And by "me," we actually mean "you," Lt. Edmonson. You think you're being subtle? Gods.
69. I am not a licensed medic.
70. The Top Gun mug does not entitle me to oral sex.
*Second place is not "getting to give it."
*No, no matter what Captain Katraine used to say.
*Not allowed to remind Captain Thrace of anything Captain Katraine used to say.
*Especially not that.
71. Not allowed to steal from the dead.
72. Not allowed to perform arcane rituals using nuggets as human sacrifices.
*Not allowed, when informed of this, to say "of course not, that's the Admiral's job."
Raksha:
73. At no time may I refer to nuggets as "my harem."
74. I may not haze a new batch of nuggets by having them pants Colonel Tigh.
75. I am not allowed to sell calendars that indicate Captain Thrace's "Time of the Month."
76. Waking Captain Thrace up in the morning is not “disturbing an ancient evil that knows no pity or remorse.”
77. “Comedic potential” is never a good reason.
78. He is not "The Dread Pirate Tigh."
79. Not allowed to suggest corporal punishment for infractions by nuggets.
*Particularly if there is mention of videotaping said punishment.
*And bartering said tapes to the rest of the Fleet.
80. Nobody wants to sign my petitions.
isabelstant:
81. I do not know what the word "inconceivable" means, and I should stop using it.
82. Not allowed to sell naked pictures of Major Adama.
*Not allowed to sell naked pictures of Captain Thrace
*Unless she gets a cut.
83. Not allowed to play strip Triad.
*No, not even if Captain Agathon doesn't know when to fold.
84. "Lee Adama takes it up the ass" is not an acceptable boxing cheer.
*Or true.
*Honestly.
85. Not allowed to give lap dances while wearing any part of my uniform.
*No, not even if the uniform comes off in the process.
86. Not allowed to add "in my flightsuit" to the ends of my sentences.
87. Not allowed to spike Major Adama's coffee.
*Not allowed to spike Admiral Adama's coffee.
*Spiking coffee, in general, is wrong. And a waste of coffee.
*The petition to declare wasting coffee a hanging offense gathered 800 signatures and is currently under review.
88. Not allowed to speak to the press.
89. It is not "Official Hug A Superior Officer Day."
*It is not "Naked Marsday."
90. Viper jocks do not "do it in the cockpit."
*Raptor jocks do not "do it in pairs."
*Knuckledraggers do not "do it with lube." Except when they do.
*Not allowed to speculate about when, where, how, why, or with whom President Roslin does it, as I do not want to know what will happen should she overhear me.
91. President Roslin will always overhear me.
Raksha:
92. Duct tape is not a disciplinary tool.
*Nor is it the force that holds the universe together.
*No matter how much Chief Tyrol can do with it.
93. No, I may not keep it as a pet.
*Yes, Boxey counts.
94. Not allowed to score PDAs in the pilots' bunk room.
95. After destroying a Cylon Basestar it is not appropriate to yell that "All your base are belong to us."
96. I am not allowed to tell nuggets that Tigh gave up his eye to see the future.
*That future is not the moment of his own death.
GoldfishGirl42:
97. Not allowed to play "Hide The CAG's Wedding Ring."
*Any more.
*Not even if Captain Thrace tells me to.
*Especially not if Captain Thrace tells me to.
98. Asking Lt. Gaeta if I can borrow a pen is not funny.
*Really, it's not.
*Okay, it is, a little.
99. Not allowed to conspicuously sniff any tea offered to me by the XO.
100. Nuggets may be flammable, but that is a fact, and not an invitation.
101. Not allowed to trade nuggets for food.
*Or cigarettes.
*Or liquor.
*Alright, maybe liquor.
102. Not allowed to teach Hera Agathon to say "frak", "motherfrakker", or "cocksucker"
*Yes, it is amusing.
*No, I will not survive past 0300 if I do so.
*Nicholas Tyrol, however, is fair game.
isabelstant:
103. We do not serve Cylon stew at any meal.
104. Nothing good has ever followed the words "here, hold my drink and watch this." I will keep this in mind at all times.
105. Not allowed to mutiny.
*No, not even if President Roslin did it first.
106. The phrase "superior asshole" is really not all that funny anymore.
107. New Caprica is not for lovers.
108. Baltar is not my homeboy.
109. I may never use the phrase "hornier than Starbuck in a locker room."
*No, not even if she laughs.
110. I am not the Cylon God.
*Neither is anyone I know.
*Probably.
*At any rate, that is definitely not why they keep beating me at cards.
111. President Roslin does not want to hear about my rash.
112. Not allowed to tell nuggets that if they say "banana" fast enough, it sounds like "gullible."
*No matter how often it works.
Demonique (me):
113. Not allowed to pass notes in the CIC.
114. Not allowed to make past tense referances to Jake the dog as having been "good with honey mustard sauce".
115. Not allowed to see how long I can stand in Col. Tigh's blind spot before he notices me.
116. Not allowed to make "sex with machines" jokes about people who have had relations with known Cylon agents.
*Especially in front of them.
*No, not even if it's Baltar.
117. There is no open mic night in the pilot's break room.
*Nor is there one in the mess hall.
*There is no open mic night anywhere on Galactica.
*Nor on Colonial One.
*There is no open mic night anywhere in the Fleet.
*I am not allowed to start one.
*The same goes for karaoke night.
118. Algae is not "made of people".
119. Not allowed to fake tramautic flashbacks to conflicts I did not participate in (the first Cylon War).
*Especially in front of the press.
GoldfishGirl42:
120. Not allowed to put mustard in Lt. Costanza's flight suit.
*Or ketchup.
*Petition for making wasting of ketchup a hanging offense is currently in committee.
121. Not allowed to make disparaging remarks upon the subject of Maj. Adama's posterior.
*Especially not if they are predicated on the statement "Well, I heard from Mrs. Tigh..."
122. Noodles are not to be used as art supplies.
*Not Maj. Adama's noodles.
*Especially not Adm. Adama's noodles.
123. Footsie is not an appropriate or efficient use of my time during morning briefing.
124. I am not the Chosen One.
125. Not allowed to put LED drawings in CIC.
*Or on the flight deck.
*Or in the pilots' rack.
126. Not allowed to "spontaneously start speaking in tongues" around Sarah Porter.
*Or President Roslin.
Demonique (me):
127. I am not Gaius Baltar's defense attorney.
*Nor am I his psychiatric advisor.
*I would not be getting paid in sexual favors even if I was.
128. Not allowed to ask Captain Thrace if she's a natural blonde.
*Not allowed to ask Sam Anders.
*Not allowed to ask Major Adama.
*Definitely not allowed to ask Dr. Baltar, or imply that I might.
129. Not allowed to prompt nuggets to ask me about my "sexy learning disability."
*I do not actually have "sexlexia".
130. Not allowed to start a war reinactment group.
131. Not allowed to replace war room tabletop models with action figures.
132. Not allowed to steal anyone's clothes for "role-playing purposes".
*Especially not the President's.
133. Dr. Cottle has not authorized me to perform tests on Hera Agathon to see if she bounces.
134. I do not have a PhD in "sexology".
*Nor does Dr. Cottle.
*Nor does Dr. Baltar.
135. I do not have sole naming privilages in regards to callsigns.
136. I am not required to perform any of my duties naked.
*No, not even the Tai Chi moves Lt. Agathon taught me.
137. Not allowed to replace Captain Thrace's cigars with exploding ones.
*Nor Dr. Baltar's.
*Will not replace Dr. Cottle's cigarettes with exploding ones, for the good of us all.
138. Not allowed to wear a gimp mask while on duty.
139. Not allowed to use the phrase "it's a shame she won't live long" while referring to Lt. Agathon.
*Nor to prisoner Caprica Six.
140. Not allowed to siphon gas from Raptors.
*Nor from Vipers.
*Or to get nuggets to do it for me.
141. I am not the military-appointed atheist priest.
*Nor am I the advisor on Cylon spirituality.
142. Not allowed to tell nuggets that Col. Tigh made his eyepatch out of his dead wife's undergarments.
*Because it's not true.
*We hope.
143. I do not recieve spirit messages from Billy Keikeya.
*Nor from Ellen Tigh.
144. Not allowed to put bumper stickers on the Vipers.
145. Shiny buttons are not a suitable form of alternative currency.
*Even if I can get people to accept them.
calbear:
146. Not allowed to refer to Hera Agathon as a "Tostito".
147. Not allowed to send the nuggets on a panty raid through the pilot's bunk room.
*or Col. Tigh's quarters
*Or Colonial One.
148. Not allowed to sit in Joe's Bar and lead a cheer of "Lee!" whenever he comes in.
*Not even if Captain Thrace tells me to.
149. Algae cannot be made into edible underwear.
*No matter what Captain Thrace says.
150. I am not Captain Thrace's "Special Destiny".
*Nor Gaius Baltar's
*Nor anyone's.
151. Not allowed to ask Tom Zarek if I can help him put the Vice in his Presidency.
*or to ask him if President Roslin already did.
152. The fleetwide wireless is not to be used for my personal entertainment.
Tori Mc:
153. Am not allowed to cough-say Billy's name during Major Adama and Lt. Dualla's wedding.
*Also not to cough-say Captain Thrace's.
154. Am not allowed to form conspiracy to ensure that when Hera Agathon grows up, her callsign is "Poptart."
155. Will not remind the Agathons that their child might respond better to the name Isis.
156. Am not allowed to spread scandalous rumors about the president and the chief of staff.
*Including Pres. Roslin and Ms. Foster.
*Including Pres. Baltar and Lt. Gaeta.
*Pres. Roslin and Billy were so much less scandalous.
157. Am not allowed to repeat rumors from old Caprica that Roslin was getting it on with Pres. Adar.
*Especially not within earshot of Admiral Adama.
*Or Tory Foster.
158. Am not allowed to snicker when someone suggests we "toast" Lt. Agathon.
bluedevilblue:
159. Will not taunt former President Baltar by wearing a red dress and claiming to be an angel of god while dancing outside his cell.
*Am not an angel of god.
*Am not a dancer, either.
160. "Liar, liar, pants on fire" is a children's expression and is not meant to suggest that one should actually set fire to the liar's pants.
*Even if the liar is former President Baltar.
*Especially if the liar is Admiral Adama.
161. Not allowed in or near brig due to dancing and fire incidents.
162. President Roslin does not appreciate being referred to as an Election Stealer.
*Or Baby Stealer.
*Or Military Asset Stealer.
*Or the Old Man's Main Squeeze.
163. The appropriate way to address the President of the Colonies is as Madam President or President Roslin.
164. When visiting Colonial One, being granted "permission to come aboard" is not an invitation to throw Tory Foster to the ground and make mad passionate love to her.
*Or to President Roslin.
*Or to Vice President Zarek.
*Or to any combination thereof.
165. Am not permitted to drop my pants on Colonial One.
*Am not permitted to "go commando" on Colonial One.
*Or any ship in the fleet.
*Even if Captain Thrace does.
166. Only Capt. Agathon is permitted to play Find the Reset Button with Lt. Agathon.
*If she had one, which she doesn't.
*No matter what Chief Tyrol claims.
167. Will not refer to medical treatment of Hera's intestinal condition as debugging.
Demonique (me):
168. Not allowed to ask Sam Anders to tell me the joke about the straw and the handcuffs again.
169. The proper way to stop Centurions is not by impaling them with wooden stakes, and I will not tell nuggets otherwise.
170. Not allowed to do "anything I want" once we get to Earth.
*Especially not put babies on spikes.
171. There is no such thing as a space pirate.
*Or a space ninja.
*Or a space gypsy.
*I am none of the above.
172. Not allowed to tell nuggets the primary form of entertainment on Galactica is poking Baltar with a stick.
*Not allowed to give nuggets especially pointy sticks.
*And point them in the direction of the brig.
*No longer allowed to say "stick" in front of Baltar at all, as this apparantly causes some sort of minor psychotic breakdown.
173. Not allowed to wear my "I'm a Cylon, ask me how" shirt while on duty.
*Nor while off duty.
*Not allowed to wear it at all.
*Nor the matching pin or hat.
isabelstant:
174. Not allowed to airlock squadron members.
175. Not allowed to challenge any of Chief Tyrol's engineers to prove that they really can demolish forty beers.
*Especially considering we don't have any beer.
*Not allowed to brew beer.
*Not allowed to substitute whiskey.
176. Not allowed to skinny-dip in the water tanks.
177. Not allowed to announce my own landings with the words "hot stuff, coming through!"
178. I understand that I am taking my own life into my hands by telling Saggitaron jokes in front of Lt. Dualla.
*I understand that Lt. Dualla is married to the CAG.
*I understand that the CAG is feeling a bit defensive.
*I understand that the CAG is authorized to order me to clean out the launch tubes.
*With a toothbrush.
*As they're being used.
179. The phrase "little toaster of love" is hereby added to the banned list.
180. President Roslin is the only person in the Fleet authorized to declare jihad.
*On anyone.
*President Roslin does not plan on doing so.
*Unless I keep that up.
181. Admiral Adama never killed a man on Picon just to watch him die.
*As far as I know.
*Neither did President Roslin.
stillshimpy:
182. Am not allowed to ask Lt. Agathon if she was just humming "I'm just a love machine, and I won't work for nobody but you." to her husband anymore.
183. Am not allowed to impersonate the shower inspector while Capt. Agathon is showering anymore.
*Even if I bring soap.
*Or really good conditioner
184. Am not allowed to hide in air ducts and play bagpipes when Admiral Adama talks to Lee.
*Not even if I include poundy drums
*especially if I include poundy drums
*further instances of this will result in the immediate confiscation of my poundy drums.
185. It is not funny when I hum "Billy don't be a hero." to Lt. Dualla and I need to stop.
*Even when Lee laughs.
186. Any further requests to Cally that she help me in some airlock maintenance procedures will result in my being placed in the brig for unauthorized jetisonning of annoying personnel.
*What, it's not like she fell for it.
*Okay, she did. Damn that Hotdog for filling her in.
*It was Tyrol's idea anyway.
187. Must stop firsthand research in the field of study I've been calling "How to make chamala less bitter."
*Not allowed to use Gaeta as a test subject any longer
*Not allowed to keep results from President Roslin
*Not allowed to claim that I have presidential funding for these activities, even if I do.
188. Not allowed to suggest that Hotdog race Lt. Edminson's track.
189. Must stop standing on Tigh's bad side, popping out and yelling, "Peekaboo! I see you!"
*or to test his depth perception on the stairs
190. Calling Admiral Adama "The before picture on the Accutane ad." is both disrespectful, and inappropriate.
*As is calling Hotdog the after.
toadlessgirl:
191. I am not authorized to form, operate or dissolve independent tribunals.
*"Adama does it all the time" is not a valid excuse. Or true.
*Even if it were it is not an excuse.
192. Lt. Gaeta's duties do not include defragging my harddrive.
*Replacing "my harddrive" with "me" or "my flight suit" does not change this rule.
193. Hera Agathon cannot heal my Athlete's Foot.
194. Viper Polo is not an appropriate use of military resources.
195. Raptors do not make "great bumper cars."
196. "Duck and Cover" is not an appropriate way of bracing for impact.
197. Nuggets and crash test dummies are not "basically the same thing."
bluedevilblue:
198. It is not appropriate when Capt. Agathon is worried over his wife or child's health to lighten the mood by asking him if she's still under warranty.
*Or if it covers parts and labor.
*Or if it requires him to return her to the manufacturer.
*Or if Doc Cottle is going to void it by opening her up.
*Or if he needs a second estimate.
199. I am not an authorized Cylon dealer.
*Or re-seller.
*Or repair facility.
200. I do not have any special Cy-dis that allows me to detect a Cylon at 100 feet.
*I may not trademark the term "Cy-dis"
*Or put it on t-shirts.
201. You cannot tell if a nugget is a Cylon by having them sing show tunes while dancing naked.
*No, it doesn't matter if the nuggets are willing to try.
*No, I am not allowed to test my theory with the prisoner Caprica Six.
202. I will not distribute Roslin/Zarek t-shirts, posters, or campaign buttons with the slogan "politics makes strange bedfellows."
*Even if it secretly amuses President Roslin and Vice President Zarek.
*It does not amuse Admiral Adama.
*Or Tory Foster.
203. Lt. Gaeta does not have a callsign.
*And if he did, it would not be Recount.
204. I am not a one-man marching band.
Demonique (me):
205. In case of emergency, children are not to be used as personal floatation devices.
*Nor are nuggets.
206. Not allowed to attempt to teach former President Baltar tricks.
*No, not even if I can get him to roll over for a cookie.
*I am however required to file a full report on this incident.
207. I am not a member of the press.
*I am not a presidential aide.
*I am not an ambassador to anything.
*No, not even an honorary one.
208. Not allowed to claim 1/16th Cylon ancestory.
*No, not even for a deduction on my taxes.
209. Not allowed to use the hanger bay as a squash court.
210. Not allowed to use glitter.
*On anything.
*Ever.
211. I do not have superpowers.
*Even if I did, it would not be from forgoing radiation meds.
*Or from drinking from the Galactica still.
*And I will refrain from telling nuggets otherwise.
212. Not allowed to ask Bulldog how he got his callsign.
*Or theorize aloud on "whose ass he had to bite".
*Especially if my theories involve Admiral Adama.
GoldfishGirl42:
213. Not allowed to spike the supply of post-mission champagne with chamallah.
*Not allowed to spike the XO's whiskey with chamallah.
*Not allowed to spike noodle broth with chamallah.
*My supply of chamallah has now been confiscated.
214. Not allowed to punctuate Capt. Thrace's makeout sessions in the rack with Samuel Anders by yelling "GOOOOOOOOAL!" in the manner of famous Caprican Pyramid announcer Isosceles Hernandez.
*Not even if Capt. Thrace did it first.
215. Not allowed to send nuggets on scavenger hunts in the hanger deck.
*Not even if I do get Chief Tyrol's permission.
216. Not allowed to tell nuggets that the CIC inkjet printer is actually a beta-test version Cylon.
217. The starboard water tank is not my personal swimming pool.
Demonique (me):
218. Not allowed to form pressgangs.
219. Not allowed to set up kissing booths.
220. Not allowed to ask Major Adama if he knows where his towel is.
221. I have not "had it with these motherfrakking Cylons on this motherfrakking ship".
222. Not allowed to start my own religion.
223. I am not anyone's pimp.
224. Not allowed to rename the nuggets.
Serendipity78:
225. I am not allowed to hide Major Adama's wedding ring.
*Again
*Especially in Starbucks rack
226. Not allowed to create posters from Major Adama's towel malfunction & sell to the public.
227. It is not funny to refer to myself as the omnipotent Number One.
228. Not allowed to advertise Lt. Thrace's bunk as the 'A little slice of Prometheus aboard Galactica...no charge'
*Even if her husband made the joke first
*Especially if Major Adama is within earshot
229. It is not funny to follow around Sam Anders repeating that 'Resistance is futile'
230. "Shut the Frak Up...Next" is not adequate PTSD treatment
*Even if the CAG is the one whining
*Or if Starbuck is holding any sharp objects
231. Not allowed to name my Quadruplets Sharon, Deanna, Simon, & Leoban.
*We are not a musical group called the 'Cylon Family Singers'
bluedevilblue:
232. I am not a sex machine.
233. Everybody does not do it.
234. There is no such position as the Minister of Masturbation.
*Or Secretary of S&M.
*I do not hold any position in the President's cabinet.
*I will not giggle when a superior officer uses "position" and "president" in the same sentence.
235. I am not 12 years old.
isabelstant:
236. Not allowed to sing "The Ball on Virgon" on duty.
*Or "Fire Down Below."
*Not allowed to sing either in front of the President.
*Or anywhere.
*Or reward nuggets for coming up with new verses.
237. The Cylon virus is not sexually transmitted.
*I will get exactly what I deserve for saying that in front of Captain Agathon.
*Or Colonel Tigh.
238. Until further notice, not allowed to speak to Colonel Tigh.
239. What happens in the showers does not stay in the showers.
240. Not allowed to taunt the Marines.
241. The Cylon agent betting pool has hereby been shut down.
*As has the "next person to sleep with a Cylon" pool.
*As has the nugget death pool.
*As has the Thrace/Anders/Adama/Dualla relationship breakdown pool.
*As has the "who's the President frakking?" pool.
242. President Roslin has not "had it with these motherfrakking snakes on her motherfrakking podium."
243. I am allowed eight days off per year for religious observances.
*I must clear these days at least one week in advance.
*"Oh gods, oh gods, we're all gonna die" is not a religious observance.
*An extra four hours' sleep is not a religious observance.
*Alcohol-fueled bunkroom orgies are not a religious observance.
*Or allowed.
244. It is better to ask permission than to beg forgiveness.
*No matter what Captain Thrace does.
*In general, Captain Thrace is a poor role model.
245. If I mention D'Anna Biers to the press, I deserve whatever picture they run.
246. Not allowed to start a porn business.
*Not allowed to take over Lieutenant Gaeta's porn business now he's in hack.
*If he had a porn business.
*Which he didn't.
247. Not allowed to start a rock band, either.
Demonique (me):
248. There is nothing living in my locker.
*If there is, I had better let it go.
249. I am not taking any medication.
*If I am, I am not allowed to sell it to anyone.
*Or offer to share it.
*Especially with former President Baltar.
250. There is no such thing as "patriotic" porn.
*No matter what Captain Thrace says.
*No matter what anyone says.
*It's still not allowed.
251. Not allowed to ask Joe the bartender if he knows how to make a "Screaming Orgasm".
*Or ask Major Adama.
*Or ask Chief Tyrol.
*Or ask Sam Anders.
*Or ask Captain Thrace.
*Or ask Lt. Dualla.
*Or ask Specialist Cally.
*It's cola and peppermint ambroisia, drunk before it frothes. Now shut up.
252. I do not have a personal theme song.
*Neither does anyone else.
*No, not even if it's "really kickass".
*Not allowed to follow anyone around and sing, hum, whistle, tap, or otherwise perform theme songs.
*Not even if they appear to enjoy it.
GoldfishGirl42:
253. I am not the Lord of the (Kobol) Dance.
254. Any lab table is not an advisable or sanitary place for conjugal relations.
*Not even if For. Pres. Baltar has done it before.
*Because For. Pres. Baltar did it before.
255. Grenades are not for recreational use.
256. Not allowed to make my own fireworks.
*Or sell them.
*Especially to nuggets.
257. Not allowed to make autoerotic asphyxiation jokes around Maj. Adama.
258. Not allowed to show Spec. Cally my new children's toy, "Joey The Happy Celery."
*Or make it talk.
259. No longer allowed to tell nuggets the legend of the radioactive mutant deckhand ghost who haunts launch tube C.
isabelstant:
260. Not allowed to speculate about what the President may or may not have been doing in her spare time on New Caprica.
*Not allowed to speculate about who the President may or may not have been doing in her spare time on New Caprica.
*Not allowed to corroborate my theory by plying her former next-door neighbors with alcohol until they start talking.
*Not allowed to share my findings.
*With anyone.
*See above re. the phrase "naughty schoolteacher."
*See above re. the phrase "New Caprican loco weed."
*See above re. the phrase "the President's baby mama."
*See above re. President Roslin always overhearing.
261. There is no crying in Pyramid.
262. There is at least a 50% chance that I do not get "that time of the month."
*Even if I do, "blowing shit up" is not an accepted treatment.
263. Major Adama does not frak hookers.
*Any more.
*Those claiming that Captain Thrace doesn't count because "hookers get paid" should check first to make sure the doors are closed.
264. Did I mention how not-allowed I am to talk about Admiral Cain?
Demonique (me):
265. Not allowed to reinact conversations I have heard with sock puppets.
*Or conversations I have heard on the wireless.
*Or conversations I have overheard, in person or on the wireless.
*The same goes double if the conversation is, in fact, fictional.
*I am no longer allowed to have sock puppets.
266. "That's what you think" is not an appropriate response during a briefing.
267. I am not an interpretor for the deaf.
*Even if I was, the CAG has no need of my services.
*Neither does Admiral Adama.
*Neither does President Roslin.
268. Not allowed to practice juggling in the CIC.
269. Not allowed to practice fire-eating in the CIC.
270. Not allowed to practice acrobatic tricks in the CIC.
271. I do not descend from a "proud line of circus folk".
272. Not allowed to send love notes to my superiors.
*Especially if they are addressed as if from someone else.
273. Not allowed to breakdance in the CIC.
*Or in the hanger deck.
*Or in the briefing room.
*Or in the hallways.
*Or encourage others to do so.
274. Not allowed to do keg stands.
*Or encourage others to do so.
*Regardless of how drunk they are.
Bacon:
275. I am not allowed to refer to Agathon fornication as "uploading".
*Not even if Capt. Thrace said it first.
*Also not allowed to sing "Did you ever know that you're my Helo?" ever.
276. The acceptable title is "Gunnery Sargent" or, in casual conversation, "Gunny" may be used. I'm not allowed refer to anyone as "Nunnery Sargent" ever again.
*Not even if the Chief said it first.
277. I will not post "No Smoking" signs in the infirmary.
*The hallway will be considered part of the infirmary.
*The door is part of the infirmary, too.
278. Not allowed to spell it "T_gh" and say "They stomped the eye flat! Right in front of him!" This is not an acceptable workaround to rule #3.
279. Not allowed to order Nuggets to "get" "nugs" and claim that is the reason for the nickname, because they...it's a cruel trick, and not at all funny.
*Should not exclaim "You should KNOW where the nugs are!" when someone else has played this on a Nugget.
*(But it is a bit funny if you can get one looking for a "nug".)
*And not allowed to state "They're in my pants."
calbear:
280. Not allowed to follow President Roslin and Admiral Adama around with a violin.
*or a bottle of ambrosia
*or a copy of the Kama Sutra.
*Not allowed to follow the President and the Admiral at all.
281. A wet T-shirt contest is not a traditional way to celebrate Colonial Day.
*neither is an orgy.
282. Not allowed to tell Tom Zarek that he looks like an old Apollo.
283. Not allowed to tell Hera Agathon the toaster in the galley is her sister.
284. Not allowed to ask President Roslin if she can "hook a brother up".
Demonique (me):
285. Not allowed to form a fraternity/sorority.
286. Not allowed to start a cult.
287. It is not a tumor.
288. I do not need chamalla extract for "medicinal purposes".
*The same goes for alcohol.
289. The Pegasus has not returned to haunt the Fleet as a ghost ship.
*Neither has the Cloud Nine.
*Neither has the Olympic Carrier.
*There is no such thing as ghost ships, I have never seen one, and I am to refrain from saying otherwise.
290. I am not a licensed organ dealer.
*Getting a civilian drunk and ensuring he woke up in a tub of ice with a note on his chest urging him to go to the infirmary was not funny the first time.
*Neither is it funny with nuggets.
291. Not allowed to start a daycare center.
*Not allowed to start a "Gentleman's Club".
*Definitely not any combination of the two.
292. Not allowed to stockpile weapons or ammunitions.
*No, not even for the impending zombie uprising.
*There is no impending zombie uprising, and I am to refrain from saying otherwise.
293. "In the name of science" is never a valid excuse.
*No matter what Dr. Baltar says.
*No matter what Dr. Cottle says.
*No matter what Lt. Gaeta says.
Bacon:
294. Not allowed to approach any captive-or-otherwise Six model Cylon and state any variation of "And I'm Nine ..." "Six? Nine!" or "You're surely Ten!" or any other sexual/attractual numerical wordplay.
*Not even if anyone else did it first. Right up to president Roslin. Especially her.
Demonique (me):
295. Not allowed to jump rope in the hallways.
*Or pogo stick in the hallways.
*Or roller skate in the hallways.
*Or set up a trampoline in the hallways.
296. Not allowed to incessantly sing "Lovely Bunch of Coconuts".
*It is up to my superiors to dictate what "incessantly" means.
*In this case, it means "ever".
*The phrase "lovely bunch of coconuts" is hereby added to the banned list.
297. If at any time I am too ill to report for my duties, I need to procure official documentation stating thus with a signature from an authorized medical personnel.
*Dr. Baltar is not an authorized medical personnel.
*Especially not if he's faking Dr. Cottle's signature.
*Or Nurse Ishay's.
298. Not allowed to ask Lt. Agathon if she remembered to register her software.
299. No longer allowed to have in my possession at any time: sticky tack, yo-yos, slinkies, party hats, knitting needles, bouncy balls, clackers, whoopie cushions, hand buzzers, or especially colorful pinwheels.
300. Not allowed to sing "Song That Never Ends".
*Or trick nuggets into singing it.
301. Not allowed to make Dr. Baltar cry.
*Not on purpose, at least.
*Definitely not allowed to keep score.
*Or brag about my score.
*Or place bets regarding my score.
*No, not because "that's President Roslin's job".
*And aren't I not allowed in the brig anyways?
stillshimpy:
302. "Our glowing, smoking, crumbled former home." is not an acceptable replacement for Auld Lang Signe.
303. Trying to organize algae wrestling matches after doing ambrosia bongs will only end up with someone getting hurt.
*and messy
*and sweaty
*and frisky
*I did too turn over all the negatives. Almost all.
304. I am not allowed to suggest fiber supplements in response to Admiral Adama's glare.
*Ow. Cottle says I'm healing well
*hellava right hook on the old guy
305. There is no reason for trying to "get my naked men back" from the showers.
*or to hide their towels
*or to steal their clothing
*I want that camera back!
306. Sending out that pamphlet declaring amnesty for all naked Cylons was a bad idea.
*as was looking directly at naked Cottle
307. When Capt. Agathon gives me an order the correct response is, "Yes, Sir." not "Will you be my candyman."
308. Snapping the strap on Tigh's eyepatch is both cruel and discourteous.
*Even if it bizarrely acted like a slingshot
*Spinning him by the strap is also heavily frowned upon
*even when he gets impressive air
309. Am not allowed to chant, "It's funny now, just wait until someone loses an eye." in a shrill sing-song voice under my breath while following Tigh around anymore.
310. I am not allowed to sneak around in the dead of night, taping extra corners to octagonal shapes.
*Or to start anymore movements called "Demand Squares"
*Or any variations thereof
*Turns out that is not the shape of things to come
bluedevilblue:
311. While working in the Galactica's print shop, I will not add questions to public opinion polls about President's sexual preferences.
*The President doesn't even own a whip.
*The President has never tied anyone to her bed.
*Or her desk.
*No, it doesn't matter what rumors I heard about her and Adar.
312. When the CAG indicated the Admiral was "hot" over the printing prank, he meant angry.
*Never to mention, hint at, or joke to CAG about Admiral's sex life.
*Or President's sex life.
*Even if Captain Thrace did it first.
313. The phrase "Commander in Chief" does not give the President booty call privileges and I will not tell the nuggets otherwise.
*Even if it has helped recruitment.
314. If one more nugget shows up on Colonial One with "Love Slave" written across his or her chest in bright red lipstick, Tory Foster has permission to hurt me.
*But not with the President's whip, which does not exist.
315. The following phrases are added to the banned list: "Mistress of Education," "President's whipping boy," "President's whipping girl" and "It's your duty, give the President that booty."
Demonique (me):
316. Not allowed to practice my maniacal laughter over the comms.
*Or the fleetwide wireless.
*I know damn well what constitutes "maniacal laughter".
317. Not allowed to stage paintball tournaments.
318. Not allowed to shoot at the CAG's Viper during training exercises.
319. Not allowed to refer to planetside missions as "field trips".
*No, not even if the President is going.
320. That is not an appropriate usage of a staple gun.
*Or a hot glue gun.
*Or a fire extinguisher.
*Or a flamethrower.
321. Unless explicitly instructed otherwise by a superior officer, I am not allowed to superglue anything to anything.
*Or anyone to anyone.
*Or anything to anyone, and this makes three times I've been told to stay out of the brig now.
*It doesn't matter that the hair will grow back.
*Probably.
*In this case, Captain Thrace does not count as my superior officer.
322. Not allowed to start tabloid newspapers.
323. Not allowed to start poetry slam nights.
324. Not allowed to start a community theatre group.
325. Not allowed to engage in LARPing.
*Especially if I am RPing as someone who actually exists.
326. As of this moment there are no registered hermaphrodites anywhere in the crew of Galactica, and I am to refrain from spreading rumors to the contrary.
*The same goes for eunuchs.
327. Not allowed to start trading card frenzies.
328. Not allowed to wear my uniform backwards.
329. Not allowed to wear a grass skirt.
*Or a lei.
*Or a coconut bra.
330. Not allowed to respond to an order with "yes, my liege."
*Or "yes, your majesty".
*Or "yes, your grace".
*Or "yes, my queen."
*Especially if the individual giving the order is not, in fact, a female.
331. There is no such thing as a brain slug.
332. That is not an appropriate usage of a cucumber.
333. "Cut that out right now" is not a subjective statement, it is an order.
334. No longer allowed to use the following series of numbers as a password or combination to anything: 4 8 15 16 23 42
335. Not allowed to refer to the nuggets as "cannon fodder".
336. Not allowed to get the nuggets to wear red shirts over their uniforms.
*Or under their uniforms.
337. There is no casual dress workday aboard Galactica.
*I am not allowed to start one.
*No matter how many signatures I can get on my petition.
338. Not allowed to play ultimate frisbee.
339. Not allowed to play capture the flag.
*Or the "fun new alternative", capture the CAG.
340. The Cylons did not probe me anally.
*If they did, no one wants to hear about it.
*Especially not the President.
341. Not allowed to challenge superior officers to duels.
342. Not allowed to "air guitar" while on duty.
*Or "air drum".
*Or "air keyboard".
*Or "air glockenspiel".
343. Not allowed to start random slow claps.
*Yes, that is the Admiral's job.
344. Not allowed to ask people whether they want the red pill or the blue pill.
*Especially if I actually offer them a red pill and a blue pill.
*No, not even if they're really just jelly beans.
345. I am not a licensed forklift operator.
346. We do not serve "see food" in the mess, and that joke stopped being funny in primary school.
347. Not allowed to bring drinks into the CIC because of the mess that results when they invariably spill over the keyboards.
*As I should be well aware.
*For the fifth time now.
348. The proper response to a direct order is not "why?"
*Nor is it "make me".
349. There are no fish in the starboard water tank.
*Or the port water tank.
*And I am not allowed to add any.
350. Not allowed to play "Pin the Tail on the XO".
*Or "on the ECO".
*Or "on the CAG".
*Or "on the Cally".
*Or "on the Baltar".
*It doesn't matter that the last one was actually the nuggets; where do I think they got the idea from?
Natbu:
351. “But he won’t hurt anyone, he has a SOUL now!” will not stop President Roslin from airlocking a Toaster.
*President Roslin may airlock me if I use the above phrase.
*Claiming Jane Espenson made me say is not a “get out of airlock free” card.
*Suggesting that Hera’s blood may yet turn the President into “Roslin, the Cylon Slayer” will not score me any points.
352. Colonel Tigh accepts salutes ONLY in greeting. Pinching his ass just won’t do.
*Referring to Colonel Tigh as “Colonel Tight-ass” while offering above pinch is also unacceptable.
353. “Maybe if the Admiral hadn’t been high and cuddling with the President…” is not an acceptable explanation for the occupation.
*If any cuddling is mentioned, Roslin, and not Baltar, must be specified as the President in question.
*I am not allowed to picture Admiral Adama cuddling Baltar.
*If I suggest any cuddling went on between the Admiral and Baltar, Roslin will have all three of us airlocked. It’s really the only thing to do.
*Captain Thrace does NOT cuddle. Don’t try. Especially during briefings.
354. The above cuddling between the President and the Admiral does not mean they have anything other than a purely professional relationship.
*Neither does the President’s recent nap in the Admiral’s rack.
*The phrase “the President’s rack” is not funny or acceptable. We aren’t twelve here, nuggets.
355. I am not allowed to try to convince Colonel Tigh that his dead wife is speaking through me.
*I may not call the supposed voice “Head-Ellen.”
*I may not suggest to Colonel Tigh that his wife may return to him if he does the mystical dance of the Colonel’s funky chicken.
*I must not ever, ever picture Colonel Tigh doing the dance of the Colonel’s funky chicken. Especially during briefings.
*I must never mention chicken nuggets in front of new pilot recruits.
*Popping a few chicken nuggets inside my mum’s old silver toaster is not an acceptable visual aide during a “Here’s our plan” briefing for the new recruits.
calbear:
356. Not allowed to hand the Agathons a bottle of WD-40 with the admonition: "You two kids go have yourselves some fun, now."
357. Not allowed to say "Me love you long time" to Lt. Thrace.
*Or Lt. Dualla
*Or Tory Foster
*Especially not to President Roslin
*"Me love you long time" is hereby added to the banned list.
CarsonMcKay:
358. Not allowed to hand the Agathons virus protection software and call it "flu immunization".
359. Not allowed to teach Hera how to use airlock.
360. Not allowed to tie-dye the gray tank tops
361. That is not an appropriate use of the helium
*Or Nitrogen
*Or any other gas
362. Not allowed to use Slip 'N Slide in hangar
Natbu:
363. No longer allowed to use gods from Captain Thrace’s locker to cast spooky shadows in Colonial One to make the President think she’s having a “vision.”
*The god-puppets vision regarding the Shepherd, the Viper Pilot, the Vulcan, and the lollipop was especially uncalled for.
364. No longer allowed to record appointments between the Admiral and the President as “Senior Sexcapades” in the official logbook
*Even if both Tory and Tigh nodded knowingly and Captain Thrace got the giggles.
*If they are recorded as such, clarification regarding the invite must be made. The Vice President showed up and seemed so hopeful last time. It was heartbreaking.
*I can no longer create airlock graffiti of the last incident.
*Especially when President Roslin is standing near the red button.
367. Despite that incident in the hallway, the CAG is no longer to be referred to as “Major Frodo.”
*I may also not refer to Cottle as “Doc Gandalf.”
*Gaeta is NOT an elf.
368. “Post-Resurrection Trauma” is not a valid excuse for sick leave.
*Screaming in a bubble bath convinces no one.
*I am not allowed to draw a bubble bath in the Admiral’s quarters. Ever. Again.
369. Nugget initiation by stealing the CAG’s towel must cease immediately. Seriously.
*Unless part of the Presidential welcome ceremony.
370. I am no longer allowed to hyphenate Captain Thrace’s name to “Captain Thrace-Adama-Baltar-Anders-Leoben-Adama.”
*Especially when the rest of the message follows: “A missile will collide with your vessel in two seconds. Take evasive maneuvers.
*President Roslin-Adar-Adama-Zarek-Adama-we-don’t-know-about-Billy is likewise not amused.
371. I can no longer ask Lieutenant Agathon to be a go-between when I have trouble with major appliances.
*Lieutenant Agathon is not a “Coffee Machine Whisperer”
*Even if I think I’m getting a migraine
*She is also not a source of spare parts for my coffee machine
372. All songs initially sung with the word “Hero” in them are hereby banned within 20 yards of the Fighting Agathons
*Especially Mariah Carey or Bette Midler songs
*See above re “Did I ever tell you you’re my Helo.”
*”You had me at Helo. You had me at Helo.” is also banned.
373. I cannot plug my laptop into Hera.
*Even if the battery is about to die.
*I cannot “borrow” her to replace my Viper battery.
374. If I see Gaeta glaring at Colonel Tigh, I cannot offer him a pen and “see what happens.”
*You can poke an(other) eye out with those things.
375. A glower from the Admiral cannot be alleviated with an offering of Metamucil.
376. The Admiral, The Vice President, and the President’s relationships cannot be explained by substituting in characters from “Dawson’s Creek.”
*Likewise regarding Lee, Dee, Kara, & Anders and the show “Passions.”
*I am not a soap star.
*I am not a porn star.
*I am not allowed to ask Anders or Apollo to costar in any video ventures.
*Captain Thrace and Major Apollo’s relationship may also not be explained by “OK, imagine if Han Solo slept with Luke Skywalker.”
377. “Awww,” is not an acceptable reaction when the President and Admiral walk into a room together.
*The same goes for Baltar and Gaeta.
*Or Tigh and Cottle.
378. Tigh and Cottle are not willing to read scenes from “Grumpy Old Men” for the nuggets’ bedtime stories.
379. I may no longer tell the new recruits that the morgue is the “Nugget Processing Facility.”
*Nor that they must coat themselves in a thin layer of peanut oil and rice flour before going on missions behind toaster lines.
*None of this has anything to do with what that algae is really made of.
GoldfishGirl42:
380. Not allowed to play fleet's smallest violin whenever Capt. Agathon walks by.
*Or Maj. Adama.
*Or Capt. Thrace.
*Not allowed to own string instruments any more.
* Miniature or otherwise.
381. Not allowed to sock the XO in his good eye.
*Or the other one either.
*"Capt. Agathon did it first" is not an appropriate rationale.
*"Capt. Thrace did it first" is DEFINITELY not an appropriate rationale.
382. Not allowed to mix in pink civvies with Lt. Agathon's delicates cycle.
*Not allowed to ponder other meanings of "Lt. Agathon's delicates cycle."
*Especially not out loud.
383. Sagittarons do not have cooties.
384. Not allowed to run around Starboard Side Civilian Encampment dressed in a sheet, labeled "Angel of Death" making "Woooooo" noises.
*Not allowed to run around ANYWHERE making "Wooooo" noises.
Demonique (me):
385. "Stop me before I kill again" is not a valid excuse for sick leave.
*And really not funny to say in front of the civilians.
*Or the press.
*Or the nuggets.
386. My superior officers cannot be warded off with holy symbols.
*Or good luck charms.
*Or offerings of liquor.
*Alright, fine, offerings of liquor. But it's still not right.
387. The "Who's Frakking/Frakked/Wants to Frak/Dating/Dated/Married to/Sexually Obsessed With Who" flowchart really needs to come down.
*Even if the nuggets find it "supremely handy".
388. Even if I have a womb, I am not allowed to offer "temporary use" of it to the Admiral and his XO.
*Or the XO and Dr. Cottle.
*Or Lt. Gaeta and Dr. Baltar.
*Not allowed to offer anyone else's womb either.
389. The fact that whenever Dr. Baltar says "cruel and unusual punishment" lately he is usually referring directly to me is not something to be proud of.
*No matter what Captain Thrace says.
390. I have not been authorized to "bring in da funk, bring in da noise".
391. Not allowed to replace the mirror in the pilots' showers with a two-way one.
*Or the mirror in the CAG's shower.
*Or the mirror in the Agathons' shower.
*Or the mirror in the Colonial One bathroom.
*Not allowed to replace anyone's mirror with a two-way one.
*Especially for the purpose of singing "The Angel of Music".
toadlessgirl:
392. There is no such thing as an Agathong.
393. The phrase “bun in the toaster oven” was not funny while Lt. Agathon was pregnant, and is not funny now.
394. A group of nuggets is not called a Happy Meal.
*Nor does it come with fries and a drink.
395. The chain of command is not organized by hotness.
*I am allowed to start this practice.
396. The voices in my head cannot overrule direct orders.
*Nor can my Magic Eight Ball.
*Or my imaginary friends.
397. Slavery is illegal.
*Yes, nuggets count.
*As do civvies.
398. I will not giggle incessantly every time the President asks Admiral Adama to debrief her.
*The word debrief is hereby added to the list.
399. If I choose to chew bubble gum on CAP I will clean the inside of my helmet myself.
400. I will not put on full flight gear and then decide I need to use the bathroom.
401. I am not authorized to sell planets, moons or other celestial bodies.
402. No one wants to see my magic tricks.
403. I will not insert a laugh track into combat training videos.
*Or Presidential speeches.
*Even if people are laughing anyways.
404. No, we are not there yet.
*I will not ask again.
*Ever.
Demonique (me):
405. Making balloon animals is not an appropriate usage of time during training exercises.
*Or of time during briefings.
*Or of time during rounds in the CIC.
*Neither is teaching nuggets how to make balloon animals.
*Or participating in the ship-wide distribution of balloon animals.
*Dr. Baltar does send his thanks, however, for the adorable green giraffe.
406. Not allowed to stage a reinactment of "The Little Boy Who Cried Cylon", for reasons that should be obvious even to me.
407. Nothing is "my boomstick".
408. I am not the mess hall's sous chef.
*Nor am I the manager.
*Nor am I the maitre d'.
409. Not allowed to talk about my sex toy collection.
*Or add ship's equipment to my sex toy collection.
*Or add people to my sex toy collection.
*Even if they ask.
*Even if they beg.
*Especially if they run screaming in the opposite direction.
*Dr. Baltar does too count as a person.
*No matter what anyone else says.
410. I have not been authorized to "bring sexy back".
*Neither has anyone else.
*No, not even Major Adama.
*"Them pilots" do know how to act.
*As do "them Cylons".
*In any case, sexy never left.
Echo79:
411. I am not allowed to ask Capt. Agathon how many licks it takes to get to the center of his Tootsie Pop.
412. I am not allowed to ask either of the Agathons how many licks it takes to get to the center of their Tootsie Pops.
*Or of each others
*Not even if Capt. Thrace did it first.
413. I am not allowed to call Maj. Adama's bullet wound a 'little love bite'.
414. I am not allowed to call Maj Adama's bullet wound 'Starbuck's calling card'
*Especially in her presence
*I am not allowed to write 'Starbuck's calling card' across the bandage Cottle put across my nose when Starbuck hit me.
*I am also not allowed to get one of the nuggets to do it for me.
*Starbuck does not, in fact, have a calling card.
*Not allowed to make her some.
Bowfrog:
415. Not allowed to point out that the letters "XO" actually sort of resemble the upper portion of Tigh's face.
*Not even if Captain Thrace pointed it out first
*Not even if Admiral Adama laughs
416. Using the red telephone to prank call Colonial One at three in the morning wasn't funny the first time.
*The same thing goes for all prank calls.
*No matter what Admiral Cain said.
417. President Roslin did not take the admiral's pins she gave to Adama from Admiral Cain's body.
*She didn't have Billy do it, either.
*No matter what Billy said.
Natbu:
418. No longer allowed to start rousing, hands-in-the-air, group chants of “Air-LOCK! Air-LOCK!” when Roslin gets pissed at Baltar.
*Starting the above chant when Roslin and Adama are having a fight will only earn me some hurt later.
*As will calling the above fight a “lovers’ quarrel.”
419. I am no longer to create sassy rhyming couplets regarding Lee and Dee.
*Or Kara and Hera
*Or Tigh and his Eye
*I am not “Shakespeare to these frakkin’ colonials.” The colonials are not “lucky to have me.”
*I should not follow the Admiral and the President around reading Klingon love poetry. “Gook! Kplagh!”
420. Head-Six is not my marionette. I should not claim otherwise to Baltar.
*Asking where he currently sees her and dangling strings above that spot proves nothing.
421. Telling Caprica her “Head-Baltar” and I are having a secret affair is just mean.
*Telling her Roslin is the one having the affair with him is meaner.
*Telling her Gaeta is having the affair is both fun and condoned by the President and the Admiral.
*Telling her Gaeta killed HeadBaltar with his favorite imaginary pen is also acceptable.
422. I am no longer allowed to claim I can see HeadBaltar and HeadSix.
*Telling Tigh “HeadBaltar is touching you inappropriately! Hit him! Hit him!” is no longer welcome.
*Even if the resulting gesticulations once 'brought the CIC house down.'
*Nor may I tell Tigh all the rest of us can see HeadBaltar and HeadSix, but they always stand in his blind spot.
423. I cannot create my own “Head Nuggets” and then claim they volunteered to take my turn at CAP.
424. When the President and the Admiral are debating a difficult and complex ethical issue, I am no longer allowed to suggest they ask “the moral guardian of the fleet” and point towards Captain Agathon.
*Pointing out that a dinner meeting with both of the Agathons would allow them to not just make a decision, but toast it too, is also not allowed.
mysticowl:
425. Not allowed to suggest to Colonel Tigh that he borrow Jupiter's eye.
*Not allowed to draw the Eye of Jupiter on Col. Tigh's eyepatch.
*Not even if Capt. Thrace did it first
426. Not allowed to hang a "Please, Disturb" sign on Baltar's cell.
*and proceed to throw suggestive glances at Gaeta
*and film the results
*brig filming is a Government monopoly
*I am re-banned from the brig
427. Not allowed to ask Gaeta if his pen is mightier than Baltar's sword
*am banned from saying the words "Gaeta" and "pen" in the same sentence
428. Not allowed to tell Capt. Agathon that he's the moral compass of the fleet
*and then ask him where his arrow points
*and then look at Lt. Agathon and say, "Oh, so that's North."
429. All copies of my book, "The A to Z of Roslin's Men," will be burned
*it needs a reprint anyway, since Adm. Adama pointed out that alphabetically he precedes Adar.
*so does Major Adama
Tanker:
430. I am not allowed to cough/mutter "airlock" while guarding Baltar as he's transfered to/from his cell.
*Not allowed to write the word "airlock" in Baltar's cell while he's not there.
*Not allowed to paste up pictures of airlocks anywhere Baltar might see them.
*Not allowed to get a nugget to do it either.
*Or Captain Thrace.
*Or anyone else.
*And I am re-re-rebanned from the brig.
431. I am not allowed to dare Captain Thrace to do anything. She always does it.
432. Not allowed to ask Captain Thrace, "Gods, what is your childhood trauma?"
Natbu:
433. Nor am I allowed to suggest that Captain Thrace needs to "spank her inner moppet."
434. Not allowed to call the D'Annas the "Xenaclons."
*Not allowed to call the Dorals the "Spacylons."
*The Sharons do not take well to being addressed as "Boom-Boom."
Sociophobic:
435. Not allowed to suggest that humanity's last defense against the Cylons might not be the best location for a bar.
*Especially if standing anywhere near Tyrol.
436. Not allowed to taunt Baltar with the writing supplies section of the Staples catalogue.
*Or ask Capt. Thrace if she has an "easy button."
*She totally does.
437. Not allowed to ask what happened to all the black market orphans.
*Or if I have to return mine.
438. Not allowed to play connect the dots on the DRADIS.
*Especially if we're under attack.
439. Not allowed to play connect the dots on Adm. Adama.
*Especially if I wish to live.
Bowfrog:
440. As my commanding officer, Admiral Adama is allowed to "leave me hanging" whenever he so chooses.
441. Not allowed to do the wave in CIC.
*Or the ready room
*Or debriefing meetings
*Especially not if Captain Thrace starts it.
442. "Giving the President a slow clap" does not refer to a type of venereal disease.
*No matter what Dr. Baltar says.
443. Galactica's roof is never, in fact, on fire.
*I am to stop yelling that it is.
*Even if it were, we would, in fact, need water.
*This goes double for Colonial One.
444. President Roslin does not want to read my erotic short stories.
*Not even if they're about her.
*Not even if they're about her and Adama.
*No longer allowed to write erotic short stories.
*Or any stories, for that matter.
*My two-way mirror aboard Colonial One has been removed.
445. Not allowed to assemble a crack string quartet of nuggets and reenact that scene from Titanic during tense moments in the CIC.
Edit: As of 3/6/07, I have stopped updating at number 445. However, you can find the original post at the TWoP forum, where the list is currently almost 1000 items long. Enjoy!
That said, this list made me laugh for the entire period of time it took me to read through it, at which point in time I went back to reread it just so that I could laugh some more.
So I figured it needed to be shared with my fellow Battlestar Galactica fans who do not happen to frequent the forums.
So, here it is then, in all its glory:
Things I Am No Longer Allowed To Do Aboard The Battlestar Galactica:
1. Not allowed to refer to Samuel Anders as "Mr. Kara Thrace."
*Not allowed to refer to Major Adama as "Mr. Kara Thrace."
*Especially in front of his wife.
*Not allowed to suggest to Major Adama’s wife that she "do the cheating frakhead one better" by joining me in the rear cargo bay after hours.
2. Not allowed to refer to Admiral Adama as "Mr. Laura Roslin."
3. Not allowed to spell Colonel Tigh’s name "T-G-H" and claim "the Cylons took the I," as it is cruel and not remotely funny.
*Okay, so it’s hilarious. It’s still cruel.
4. Cleaning my gun in the pilots’ break room is acceptable. "Cleaning my gun" in the pilots’ break room is not.
*No, no matter what Captain Thrace said.
5. The following phrases are hereby banned from conversation: "budding sexuality," "necrophilia," "I hate everyone in this squadron and wish they were all dead," "sexual lubrication," "toasterfrakker," "all Marines are latent homosexuals," "all Viper jocks are blatant homosexuals," "naughty schoolteacher," "strap-on," "slut puppy," "the President’s baby mama," "shag the CAG," "New Caprican loco weed," or any reference to squid.
6. Only allowed to add "in accordance with the prophesy" to the ends of my sentences if given specific permission to do so by President Roslin.
*President Roslin did not give me permission to do so.
7. Asking "How do you keep an ECO in suspense?" and walking away isn’t even funny the first time.
8. Not allowed to refer to President Roslin as "Mom."
*Not allowed to refer to Admiral Adama as "Dad."
*No, not even if I am his actual son.
9. Not allowed to chew gum while flying CAP.
*No, not even if I brought enough for everyone.
10. Not allowed to suggest cannibalism as an alternative protein source.
11. President Roslin does not have "spanking privileges."
*Neither does Admiral Adama.
12. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I will assume that I’m not allowed to do it.
*If the thought of something makes Captain Thrace giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I will alert the CAG. Immediately.
13. Not allowed to speculate on the penis size of anyone who outranks me.
*Especially Captain Thrace.
14. While I may not actually be able to stop Captain Thrace from telling those stories about flight school, it behooves me not to appear visibly amused while she does so.
15. Colonel Tigh does not want to be called "Snookums."
*Neither does he respond favorably to "Sauly-poo," "Debbie," "Tighclops," or "Ol’ One-Eyes."
*Colonel Tigh is not Admiral Adama’s "heterosexual man-spouse."
16. I have not been appointed to a secret presidential sex squad.
*Not allowed to talk about it if I had been.
17. "I’ve heard every possible joke about Lieutenant Gaeta’s name" is not a challenge.
18. I am not a Cylon trapped in a human’s body.
19. Algae is not a personal lubricant.
20. Not allowed to get shot.
21. Not allowed to use image editing software to create incriminating photos of Admiral Adama and President Roslin.
*Not allowed to use image editing software to create incriminating photos of Major Adama and President Roslin.
*Not allowed to use image editing software. Period.
22. Not allowed to steal batteries from the deck crew for "personal use."
*Not allowed to attempt to explain "personal use."
23. I am not Model #13.
24. If Tory Foster hears me referring to her as "the president's sex-retary," she is hereby authorized to hurt me.
25.Not allowed to have comm sex while flying CAP.
*Not allowed to have comm sex with someone flying CAP.
*Not allowed to have comm sex. Period.
26. Not allowed to refer to the Biers documentary as “a Cylon perv tape.”
27. Not allowed to do that thing with the lollipop in President Roslin’s sight, ever.
*No, not even if Captain Thrace did it first.
28. Not allowed to contact Captain Katraine via séance in the hopes she’ll overrule Major Adama’s orders.
*Not allowed to contact anyone via séance. Period.
29. Not allowed to lock Major Adama and Captain Thrace in a supply closet in the hope that sex will take place.
*Even if it does.
*Not allowed to lock Major Adama and Samuel Anders in a supply closet in the hope that sex will take place.
*Even if it does.
*Not allowed to lock Captain Agathon and Chief Tyrol in a supply closet in the hope that sex will take place.
*Even if it does.
*Not allowed to lock anyone in a supply closet, for any reason.
*Or tape the results.
*No, not even if it would be great for morale.
30. Not allowed to join Demand Peace!
*Not allowed to join the SFM.
31. Not allowed to antagonize the CAG.
*Not allowed to call the CAG a wanker.
*Not allowed to short-sheet the CAG’s bed.
*Not allowed to attach photos of the CAG to the targets in the firing range.
*Not allowed to put the CAG’s hand in warm water while he’s sleeping.
*Not allowed to steal the CAG’s pants.
*No, not even if Captain Thrace did it first.
32. No part of my flight suit is edible.
33. If detained by security, I do not have the right to a strip search.
34. Not allowed to shake my groove thing in CIC.
35. Not allowed to use nuggets as currency.
36. Not allowed, under any circumstances, to ask President Roslin who died and put her in charge.
37. The time has passed for the joke about the Cylon, the pyramid team, the elevator, and Ellen Tigh.
*Or any of its variants.
38. There is no such thing as “recreational gun use.”
*No, not even if Captain Thrace did it first.
*Oh my gods, especially not if Admiral Cain did it first.
*Not allowed to mention Admiral Cain. Ever.
39. Captain Thrace is not a pre- or post-op ANYTHING.
40. Not allowed to utter the phrase "Save a Viper! Fly a pilot!" ever, ever again.
Also, I couldn't resist and added a few of my own (not nearly as funny) to the post...
41. Not allowed to use "pulling a Baltar" as a euphenism for going crazy.
*Or a euphenism for being "easy".
*Even if it is apt.
42. Not allowed to hand slices of bread to Lt. Agathon and ask her to "do me a quick favor."
43. Not allowed to "inspect" suspected Cylon agents for barcodes.
*Or glowing spines.
*Or manufactor's numbers.
44. Col. Tigh's first name is not Polyphemus.
*Calling him "Polly" is just asking for trouble.
45. I have not accepted Gaius Baltar as my personal savior.
*Neither has anyone else.
EDIT: Well, the people at the forum have been busy! Here's the rest of the gems, so far.
ladyboy:
46. Painting the word "Cylon" in someone's locker will never be funny
47. Not allowed to tell people that the second sign of being a cylon is "Hairs on the palms of your hands."
*I may not subsequently tell them that the first sign is"looking for them."
48. Not allowed to blame my mistakes on my imaginary girlfriend
*even if she is an angel
*even if she is a chip.
49. Kacey's mom does not have it going on.
bluedevilblue:
50. Admiral Adama is not a drama queen.
*Admiral Adama is not a queen of any kind.
*He's not a drama king, either.
*No, it doesn't matter what President Roslin said.
51. Not allowed to "borrow" the Cylon restraints for the weekend.
*Even if Captain Thrace asked you to.
Raksha:
52. Command decisions do not need to be ratified by the Quorum of 12.
53. I am not the Fleet Mascot.
54. I may not call do-overs during training maneuvers.
*No, not even if Captain Thrace does it.
55. Not allowed to wear a dress to Geminon chapel services.
56. A smilie face is not used to mark the position of a Cylon Basestar.
57. Cylon raiders are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell nuggets that they are.
58. I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of Boxey.
59. I cannot have Boxey thrown in the brig for being rude.
60. "I'm drunk" is a bad answer to any question posed by the CAG.
*Even if Captain Thrace says it.
61. There is no such thing as a were-Cylon.
62. Our Vipers cannot be assembled into a giant battle robot.
isabelstant:
63. Not allowed to ask Lieutenant Agathon intrusive questions about Cylon personal hygiene.
*No, not even if I call it "research."
*Not allowed to ask Captain Agathon intrusive questions about Cylon personal hygiene.
64. Not allowed to speculate in President Roslin's hearing about whether the carpet matches the drapes. Ever.
*(It does, but I didn't hear that here.)
65. Not allowed to get Lieutenant Gaeta drunk and plant him in anyone's rack.
*Again.
66. Not allowed to trade my gun for anything, including sexual favors, alcohol, or nuggets.
67. There is no rule against disseminating tasteful Roslin-on-Zarek pornography.
*No such thing exists.
68. Not allowed to stalk Captain Thrace.
*Not allowed to stalk Major Adama.
*Allowed, however, to stalk Captain Agathon, as he is unlikely to notice me doing it.
*And by "me," we actually mean "you," Lt. Edmonson. You think you're being subtle? Gods.
69. I am not a licensed medic.
70. The Top Gun mug does not entitle me to oral sex.
*Second place is not "getting to give it."
*No, no matter what Captain Katraine used to say.
*Not allowed to remind Captain Thrace of anything Captain Katraine used to say.
*Especially not that.
71. Not allowed to steal from the dead.
72. Not allowed to perform arcane rituals using nuggets as human sacrifices.
*Not allowed, when informed of this, to say "of course not, that's the Admiral's job."
Raksha:
73. At no time may I refer to nuggets as "my harem."
74. I may not haze a new batch of nuggets by having them pants Colonel Tigh.
75. I am not allowed to sell calendars that indicate Captain Thrace's "Time of the Month."
76. Waking Captain Thrace up in the morning is not “disturbing an ancient evil that knows no pity or remorse.”
77. “Comedic potential” is never a good reason.
78. He is not "The Dread Pirate Tigh."
79. Not allowed to suggest corporal punishment for infractions by nuggets.
*Particularly if there is mention of videotaping said punishment.
*And bartering said tapes to the rest of the Fleet.
80. Nobody wants to sign my petitions.
isabelstant:
81. I do not know what the word "inconceivable" means, and I should stop using it.
82. Not allowed to sell naked pictures of Major Adama.
*Not allowed to sell naked pictures of Captain Thrace
*Unless she gets a cut.
83. Not allowed to play strip Triad.
*No, not even if Captain Agathon doesn't know when to fold.
84. "Lee Adama takes it up the ass" is not an acceptable boxing cheer.
*Or true.
*Honestly.
85. Not allowed to give lap dances while wearing any part of my uniform.
*No, not even if the uniform comes off in the process.
86. Not allowed to add "in my flightsuit" to the ends of my sentences.
87. Not allowed to spike Major Adama's coffee.
*Not allowed to spike Admiral Adama's coffee.
*Spiking coffee, in general, is wrong. And a waste of coffee.
*The petition to declare wasting coffee a hanging offense gathered 800 signatures and is currently under review.
88. Not allowed to speak to the press.
89. It is not "Official Hug A Superior Officer Day."
*It is not "Naked Marsday."
90. Viper jocks do not "do it in the cockpit."
*Raptor jocks do not "do it in pairs."
*Knuckledraggers do not "do it with lube." Except when they do.
*Not allowed to speculate about when, where, how, why, or with whom President Roslin does it, as I do not want to know what will happen should she overhear me.
91. President Roslin will always overhear me.
Raksha:
92. Duct tape is not a disciplinary tool.
*Nor is it the force that holds the universe together.
*No matter how much Chief Tyrol can do with it.
93. No, I may not keep it as a pet.
*Yes, Boxey counts.
94. Not allowed to score PDAs in the pilots' bunk room.
95. After destroying a Cylon Basestar it is not appropriate to yell that "All your base are belong to us."
96. I am not allowed to tell nuggets that Tigh gave up his eye to see the future.
*That future is not the moment of his own death.
GoldfishGirl42:
97. Not allowed to play "Hide The CAG's Wedding Ring."
*Any more.
*Not even if Captain Thrace tells me to.
*Especially not if Captain Thrace tells me to.
98. Asking Lt. Gaeta if I can borrow a pen is not funny.
*Really, it's not.
*Okay, it is, a little.
99. Not allowed to conspicuously sniff any tea offered to me by the XO.
100. Nuggets may be flammable, but that is a fact, and not an invitation.
101. Not allowed to trade nuggets for food.
*Or cigarettes.
*Or liquor.
*Alright, maybe liquor.
102. Not allowed to teach Hera Agathon to say "frak", "motherfrakker", or "cocksucker"
*Yes, it is amusing.
*No, I will not survive past 0300 if I do so.
*Nicholas Tyrol, however, is fair game.
isabelstant:
103. We do not serve Cylon stew at any meal.
104. Nothing good has ever followed the words "here, hold my drink and watch this." I will keep this in mind at all times.
105. Not allowed to mutiny.
*No, not even if President Roslin did it first.
106. The phrase "superior asshole" is really not all that funny anymore.
107. New Caprica is not for lovers.
108. Baltar is not my homeboy.
109. I may never use the phrase "hornier than Starbuck in a locker room."
*No, not even if she laughs.
110. I am not the Cylon God.
*Neither is anyone I know.
*Probably.
*At any rate, that is definitely not why they keep beating me at cards.
111. President Roslin does not want to hear about my rash.
112. Not allowed to tell nuggets that if they say "banana" fast enough, it sounds like "gullible."
*No matter how often it works.
Demonique (me):
113. Not allowed to pass notes in the CIC.
114. Not allowed to make past tense referances to Jake the dog as having been "good with honey mustard sauce".
115. Not allowed to see how long I can stand in Col. Tigh's blind spot before he notices me.
116. Not allowed to make "sex with machines" jokes about people who have had relations with known Cylon agents.
*Especially in front of them.
*No, not even if it's Baltar.
117. There is no open mic night in the pilot's break room.
*Nor is there one in the mess hall.
*There is no open mic night anywhere on Galactica.
*Nor on Colonial One.
*There is no open mic night anywhere in the Fleet.
*I am not allowed to start one.
*The same goes for karaoke night.
118. Algae is not "made of people".
119. Not allowed to fake tramautic flashbacks to conflicts I did not participate in (the first Cylon War).
*Especially in front of the press.
GoldfishGirl42:
120. Not allowed to put mustard in Lt. Costanza's flight suit.
*Or ketchup.
*Petition for making wasting of ketchup a hanging offense is currently in committee.
121. Not allowed to make disparaging remarks upon the subject of Maj. Adama's posterior.
*Especially not if they are predicated on the statement "Well, I heard from Mrs. Tigh..."
122. Noodles are not to be used as art supplies.
*Not Maj. Adama's noodles.
*Especially not Adm. Adama's noodles.
123. Footsie is not an appropriate or efficient use of my time during morning briefing.
124. I am not the Chosen One.
125. Not allowed to put LED drawings in CIC.
*Or on the flight deck.
*Or in the pilots' rack.
126. Not allowed to "spontaneously start speaking in tongues" around Sarah Porter.
*Or President Roslin.
Demonique (me):
127. I am not Gaius Baltar's defense attorney.
*Nor am I his psychiatric advisor.
*I would not be getting paid in sexual favors even if I was.
128. Not allowed to ask Captain Thrace if she's a natural blonde.
*Not allowed to ask Sam Anders.
*Not allowed to ask Major Adama.
*Definitely not allowed to ask Dr. Baltar, or imply that I might.
129. Not allowed to prompt nuggets to ask me about my "sexy learning disability."
*I do not actually have "sexlexia".
130. Not allowed to start a war reinactment group.
131. Not allowed to replace war room tabletop models with action figures.
132. Not allowed to steal anyone's clothes for "role-playing purposes".
*Especially not the President's.
133. Dr. Cottle has not authorized me to perform tests on Hera Agathon to see if she bounces.
134. I do not have a PhD in "sexology".
*Nor does Dr. Cottle.
*Nor does Dr. Baltar.
135. I do not have sole naming privilages in regards to callsigns.
136. I am not required to perform any of my duties naked.
*No, not even the Tai Chi moves Lt. Agathon taught me.
137. Not allowed to replace Captain Thrace's cigars with exploding ones.
*Nor Dr. Baltar's.
*Will not replace Dr. Cottle's cigarettes with exploding ones, for the good of us all.
138. Not allowed to wear a gimp mask while on duty.
139. Not allowed to use the phrase "it's a shame she won't live long" while referring to Lt. Agathon.
*Nor to prisoner Caprica Six.
140. Not allowed to siphon gas from Raptors.
*Nor from Vipers.
*Or to get nuggets to do it for me.
141. I am not the military-appointed atheist priest.
*Nor am I the advisor on Cylon spirituality.
142. Not allowed to tell nuggets that Col. Tigh made his eyepatch out of his dead wife's undergarments.
*Because it's not true.
*We hope.
143. I do not recieve spirit messages from Billy Keikeya.
*Nor from Ellen Tigh.
144. Not allowed to put bumper stickers on the Vipers.
145. Shiny buttons are not a suitable form of alternative currency.
*Even if I can get people to accept them.
calbear:
146. Not allowed to refer to Hera Agathon as a "Tostito".
147. Not allowed to send the nuggets on a panty raid through the pilot's bunk room.
*or Col. Tigh's quarters
*Or Colonial One.
148. Not allowed to sit in Joe's Bar and lead a cheer of "Lee!" whenever he comes in.
*Not even if Captain Thrace tells me to.
149. Algae cannot be made into edible underwear.
*No matter what Captain Thrace says.
150. I am not Captain Thrace's "Special Destiny".
*Nor Gaius Baltar's
*Nor anyone's.
151. Not allowed to ask Tom Zarek if I can help him put the Vice in his Presidency.
*or to ask him if President Roslin already did.
152. The fleetwide wireless is not to be used for my personal entertainment.
Tori Mc:
153. Am not allowed to cough-say Billy's name during Major Adama and Lt. Dualla's wedding.
*Also not to cough-say Captain Thrace's.
154. Am not allowed to form conspiracy to ensure that when Hera Agathon grows up, her callsign is "Poptart."
155. Will not remind the Agathons that their child might respond better to the name Isis.
156. Am not allowed to spread scandalous rumors about the president and the chief of staff.
*Including Pres. Roslin and Ms. Foster.
*Including Pres. Baltar and Lt. Gaeta.
*Pres. Roslin and Billy were so much less scandalous.
157. Am not allowed to repeat rumors from old Caprica that Roslin was getting it on with Pres. Adar.
*Especially not within earshot of Admiral Adama.
*Or Tory Foster.
158. Am not allowed to snicker when someone suggests we "toast" Lt. Agathon.
bluedevilblue:
159. Will not taunt former President Baltar by wearing a red dress and claiming to be an angel of god while dancing outside his cell.
*Am not an angel of god.
*Am not a dancer, either.
160. "Liar, liar, pants on fire" is a children's expression and is not meant to suggest that one should actually set fire to the liar's pants.
*Even if the liar is former President Baltar.
*Especially if the liar is Admiral Adama.
161. Not allowed in or near brig due to dancing and fire incidents.
162. President Roslin does not appreciate being referred to as an Election Stealer.
*Or Baby Stealer.
*Or Military Asset Stealer.
*Or the Old Man's Main Squeeze.
163. The appropriate way to address the President of the Colonies is as Madam President or President Roslin.
164. When visiting Colonial One, being granted "permission to come aboard" is not an invitation to throw Tory Foster to the ground and make mad passionate love to her.
*Or to President Roslin.
*Or to Vice President Zarek.
*Or to any combination thereof.
165. Am not permitted to drop my pants on Colonial One.
*Am not permitted to "go commando" on Colonial One.
*Or any ship in the fleet.
*Even if Captain Thrace does.
166. Only Capt. Agathon is permitted to play Find the Reset Button with Lt. Agathon.
*If she had one, which she doesn't.
*No matter what Chief Tyrol claims.
167. Will not refer to medical treatment of Hera's intestinal condition as debugging.
Demonique (me):
168. Not allowed to ask Sam Anders to tell me the joke about the straw and the handcuffs again.
169. The proper way to stop Centurions is not by impaling them with wooden stakes, and I will not tell nuggets otherwise.
170. Not allowed to do "anything I want" once we get to Earth.
*Especially not put babies on spikes.
171. There is no such thing as a space pirate.
*Or a space ninja.
*Or a space gypsy.
*I am none of the above.
172. Not allowed to tell nuggets the primary form of entertainment on Galactica is poking Baltar with a stick.
*Not allowed to give nuggets especially pointy sticks.
*And point them in the direction of the brig.
*No longer allowed to say "stick" in front of Baltar at all, as this apparantly causes some sort of minor psychotic breakdown.
173. Not allowed to wear my "I'm a Cylon, ask me how" shirt while on duty.
*Nor while off duty.
*Not allowed to wear it at all.
*Nor the matching pin or hat.
isabelstant:
174. Not allowed to airlock squadron members.
175. Not allowed to challenge any of Chief Tyrol's engineers to prove that they really can demolish forty beers.
*Especially considering we don't have any beer.
*Not allowed to brew beer.
*Not allowed to substitute whiskey.
176. Not allowed to skinny-dip in the water tanks.
177. Not allowed to announce my own landings with the words "hot stuff, coming through!"
178. I understand that I am taking my own life into my hands by telling Saggitaron jokes in front of Lt. Dualla.
*I understand that Lt. Dualla is married to the CAG.
*I understand that the CAG is feeling a bit defensive.
*I understand that the CAG is authorized to order me to clean out the launch tubes.
*With a toothbrush.
*As they're being used.
179. The phrase "little toaster of love" is hereby added to the banned list.
180. President Roslin is the only person in the Fleet authorized to declare jihad.
*On anyone.
*President Roslin does not plan on doing so.
*Unless I keep that up.
181. Admiral Adama never killed a man on Picon just to watch him die.
*As far as I know.
*Neither did President Roslin.
stillshimpy:
182. Am not allowed to ask Lt. Agathon if she was just humming "I'm just a love machine, and I won't work for nobody but you." to her husband anymore.
183. Am not allowed to impersonate the shower inspector while Capt. Agathon is showering anymore.
*Even if I bring soap.
*Or really good conditioner
184. Am not allowed to hide in air ducts and play bagpipes when Admiral Adama talks to Lee.
*Not even if I include poundy drums
*especially if I include poundy drums
*further instances of this will result in the immediate confiscation of my poundy drums.
185. It is not funny when I hum "Billy don't be a hero." to Lt. Dualla and I need to stop.
*Even when Lee laughs.
186. Any further requests to Cally that she help me in some airlock maintenance procedures will result in my being placed in the brig for unauthorized jetisonning of annoying personnel.
*What, it's not like she fell for it.
*Okay, she did. Damn that Hotdog for filling her in.
*It was Tyrol's idea anyway.
187. Must stop firsthand research in the field of study I've been calling "How to make chamala less bitter."
*Not allowed to use Gaeta as a test subject any longer
*Not allowed to keep results from President Roslin
*Not allowed to claim that I have presidential funding for these activities, even if I do.
188. Not allowed to suggest that Hotdog race Lt. Edminson's track.
189. Must stop standing on Tigh's bad side, popping out and yelling, "Peekaboo! I see you!"
*or to test his depth perception on the stairs
190. Calling Admiral Adama "The before picture on the Accutane ad." is both disrespectful, and inappropriate.
*As is calling Hotdog the after.
toadlessgirl:
191. I am not authorized to form, operate or dissolve independent tribunals.
*"Adama does it all the time" is not a valid excuse. Or true.
*Even if it were it is not an excuse.
192. Lt. Gaeta's duties do not include defragging my harddrive.
*Replacing "my harddrive" with "me" or "my flight suit" does not change this rule.
193. Hera Agathon cannot heal my Athlete's Foot.
194. Viper Polo is not an appropriate use of military resources.
195. Raptors do not make "great bumper cars."
196. "Duck and Cover" is not an appropriate way of bracing for impact.
197. Nuggets and crash test dummies are not "basically the same thing."
bluedevilblue:
198. It is not appropriate when Capt. Agathon is worried over his wife or child's health to lighten the mood by asking him if she's still under warranty.
*Or if it covers parts and labor.
*Or if it requires him to return her to the manufacturer.
*Or if Doc Cottle is going to void it by opening her up.
*Or if he needs a second estimate.
199. I am not an authorized Cylon dealer.
*Or re-seller.
*Or repair facility.
200. I do not have any special Cy-dis that allows me to detect a Cylon at 100 feet.
*I may not trademark the term "Cy-dis"
*Or put it on t-shirts.
201. You cannot tell if a nugget is a Cylon by having them sing show tunes while dancing naked.
*No, it doesn't matter if the nuggets are willing to try.
*No, I am not allowed to test my theory with the prisoner Caprica Six.
202. I will not distribute Roslin/Zarek t-shirts, posters, or campaign buttons with the slogan "politics makes strange bedfellows."
*Even if it secretly amuses President Roslin and Vice President Zarek.
*It does not amuse Admiral Adama.
*Or Tory Foster.
203. Lt. Gaeta does not have a callsign.
*And if he did, it would not be Recount.
204. I am not a one-man marching band.
Demonique (me):
205. In case of emergency, children are not to be used as personal floatation devices.
*Nor are nuggets.
206. Not allowed to attempt to teach former President Baltar tricks.
*No, not even if I can get him to roll over for a cookie.
*I am however required to file a full report on this incident.
207. I am not a member of the press.
*I am not a presidential aide.
*I am not an ambassador to anything.
*No, not even an honorary one.
208. Not allowed to claim 1/16th Cylon ancestory.
*No, not even for a deduction on my taxes.
209. Not allowed to use the hanger bay as a squash court.
210. Not allowed to use glitter.
*On anything.
*Ever.
211. I do not have superpowers.
*Even if I did, it would not be from forgoing radiation meds.
*Or from drinking from the Galactica still.
*And I will refrain from telling nuggets otherwise.
212. Not allowed to ask Bulldog how he got his callsign.
*Or theorize aloud on "whose ass he had to bite".
*Especially if my theories involve Admiral Adama.
GoldfishGirl42:
213. Not allowed to spike the supply of post-mission champagne with chamallah.
*Not allowed to spike the XO's whiskey with chamallah.
*Not allowed to spike noodle broth with chamallah.
*My supply of chamallah has now been confiscated.
214. Not allowed to punctuate Capt. Thrace's makeout sessions in the rack with Samuel Anders by yelling "GOOOOOOOOAL!" in the manner of famous Caprican Pyramid announcer Isosceles Hernandez.
*Not even if Capt. Thrace did it first.
215. Not allowed to send nuggets on scavenger hunts in the hanger deck.
*Not even if I do get Chief Tyrol's permission.
216. Not allowed to tell nuggets that the CIC inkjet printer is actually a beta-test version Cylon.
217. The starboard water tank is not my personal swimming pool.
Demonique (me):
218. Not allowed to form pressgangs.
219. Not allowed to set up kissing booths.
220. Not allowed to ask Major Adama if he knows where his towel is.
221. I have not "had it with these motherfrakking Cylons on this motherfrakking ship".
222. Not allowed to start my own religion.
223. I am not anyone's pimp.
224. Not allowed to rename the nuggets.
Serendipity78:
225. I am not allowed to hide Major Adama's wedding ring.
*Again
*Especially in Starbucks rack
226. Not allowed to create posters from Major Adama's towel malfunction & sell to the public.
227. It is not funny to refer to myself as the omnipotent Number One.
228. Not allowed to advertise Lt. Thrace's bunk as the 'A little slice of Prometheus aboard Galactica...no charge'
*Even if her husband made the joke first
*Especially if Major Adama is within earshot
229. It is not funny to follow around Sam Anders repeating that 'Resistance is futile'
230. "Shut the Frak Up...Next" is not adequate PTSD treatment
*Even if the CAG is the one whining
*Or if Starbuck is holding any sharp objects
231. Not allowed to name my Quadruplets Sharon, Deanna, Simon, & Leoban.
*We are not a musical group called the 'Cylon Family Singers'
bluedevilblue:
232. I am not a sex machine.
233. Everybody does not do it.
234. There is no such position as the Minister of Masturbation.
*Or Secretary of S&M.
*I do not hold any position in the President's cabinet.
*I will not giggle when a superior officer uses "position" and "president" in the same sentence.
235. I am not 12 years old.
isabelstant:
236. Not allowed to sing "The Ball on Virgon" on duty.
*Or "Fire Down Below."
*Not allowed to sing either in front of the President.
*Or anywhere.
*Or reward nuggets for coming up with new verses.
237. The Cylon virus is not sexually transmitted.
*I will get exactly what I deserve for saying that in front of Captain Agathon.
*Or Colonel Tigh.
238. Until further notice, not allowed to speak to Colonel Tigh.
239. What happens in the showers does not stay in the showers.
240. Not allowed to taunt the Marines.
241. The Cylon agent betting pool has hereby been shut down.
*As has the "next person to sleep with a Cylon" pool.
*As has the nugget death pool.
*As has the Thrace/Anders/Adama/Dualla relationship breakdown pool.
*As has the "who's the President frakking?" pool.
242. President Roslin has not "had it with these motherfrakking snakes on her motherfrakking podium."
243. I am allowed eight days off per year for religious observances.
*I must clear these days at least one week in advance.
*"Oh gods, oh gods, we're all gonna die" is not a religious observance.
*An extra four hours' sleep is not a religious observance.
*Alcohol-fueled bunkroom orgies are not a religious observance.
*Or allowed.
244. It is better to ask permission than to beg forgiveness.
*No matter what Captain Thrace does.
*In general, Captain Thrace is a poor role model.
245. If I mention D'Anna Biers to the press, I deserve whatever picture they run.
246. Not allowed to start a porn business.
*Not allowed to take over Lieutenant Gaeta's porn business now he's in hack.
*If he had a porn business.
*Which he didn't.
247. Not allowed to start a rock band, either.
Demonique (me):
248. There is nothing living in my locker.
*If there is, I had better let it go.
249. I am not taking any medication.
*If I am, I am not allowed to sell it to anyone.
*Or offer to share it.
*Especially with former President Baltar.
250. There is no such thing as "patriotic" porn.
*No matter what Captain Thrace says.
*No matter what anyone says.
*It's still not allowed.
251. Not allowed to ask Joe the bartender if he knows how to make a "Screaming Orgasm".
*Or ask Major Adama.
*Or ask Chief Tyrol.
*Or ask Sam Anders.
*Or ask Captain Thrace.
*Or ask Lt. Dualla.
*Or ask Specialist Cally.
*It's cola and peppermint ambroisia, drunk before it frothes. Now shut up.
252. I do not have a personal theme song.
*Neither does anyone else.
*No, not even if it's "really kickass".
*Not allowed to follow anyone around and sing, hum, whistle, tap, or otherwise perform theme songs.
*Not even if they appear to enjoy it.
GoldfishGirl42:
253. I am not the Lord of the (Kobol) Dance.
254. Any lab table is not an advisable or sanitary place for conjugal relations.
*Not even if For. Pres. Baltar has done it before.
*Because For. Pres. Baltar did it before.
255. Grenades are not for recreational use.
256. Not allowed to make my own fireworks.
*Or sell them.
*Especially to nuggets.
257. Not allowed to make autoerotic asphyxiation jokes around Maj. Adama.
258. Not allowed to show Spec. Cally my new children's toy, "Joey The Happy Celery."
*Or make it talk.
259. No longer allowed to tell nuggets the legend of the radioactive mutant deckhand ghost who haunts launch tube C.
isabelstant:
260. Not allowed to speculate about what the President may or may not have been doing in her spare time on New Caprica.
*Not allowed to speculate about who the President may or may not have been doing in her spare time on New Caprica.
*Not allowed to corroborate my theory by plying her former next-door neighbors with alcohol until they start talking.
*Not allowed to share my findings.
*With anyone.
*See above re. the phrase "naughty schoolteacher."
*See above re. the phrase "New Caprican loco weed."
*See above re. the phrase "the President's baby mama."
*See above re. President Roslin always overhearing.
261. There is no crying in Pyramid.
262. There is at least a 50% chance that I do not get "that time of the month."
*Even if I do, "blowing shit up" is not an accepted treatment.
263. Major Adama does not frak hookers.
*Any more.
*Those claiming that Captain Thrace doesn't count because "hookers get paid" should check first to make sure the doors are closed.
264. Did I mention how not-allowed I am to talk about Admiral Cain?
Demonique (me):
265. Not allowed to reinact conversations I have heard with sock puppets.
*Or conversations I have heard on the wireless.
*Or conversations I have overheard, in person or on the wireless.
*The same goes double if the conversation is, in fact, fictional.
*I am no longer allowed to have sock puppets.
266. "That's what you think" is not an appropriate response during a briefing.
267. I am not an interpretor for the deaf.
*Even if I was, the CAG has no need of my services.
*Neither does Admiral Adama.
*Neither does President Roslin.
268. Not allowed to practice juggling in the CIC.
269. Not allowed to practice fire-eating in the CIC.
270. Not allowed to practice acrobatic tricks in the CIC.
271. I do not descend from a "proud line of circus folk".
272. Not allowed to send love notes to my superiors.
*Especially if they are addressed as if from someone else.
273. Not allowed to breakdance in the CIC.
*Or in the hanger deck.
*Or in the briefing room.
*Or in the hallways.
*Or encourage others to do so.
274. Not allowed to do keg stands.
*Or encourage others to do so.
*Regardless of how drunk they are.
Bacon:
275. I am not allowed to refer to Agathon fornication as "uploading".
*Not even if Capt. Thrace said it first.
*Also not allowed to sing "Did you ever know that you're my Helo?" ever.
276. The acceptable title is "Gunnery Sargent" or, in casual conversation, "Gunny" may be used. I'm not allowed refer to anyone as "Nunnery Sargent" ever again.
*Not even if the Chief said it first.
277. I will not post "No Smoking" signs in the infirmary.
*The hallway will be considered part of the infirmary.
*The door is part of the infirmary, too.
278. Not allowed to spell it "T_gh" and say "They stomped the eye flat! Right in front of him!" This is not an acceptable workaround to rule #3.
279. Not allowed to order Nuggets to "get" "nugs" and claim that is the reason for the nickname, because they...it's a cruel trick, and not at all funny.
*Should not exclaim "You should KNOW where the nugs are!" when someone else has played this on a Nugget.
*(But it is a bit funny if you can get one looking for a "nug".)
*And not allowed to state "They're in my pants."
calbear:
280. Not allowed to follow President Roslin and Admiral Adama around with a violin.
*or a bottle of ambrosia
*or a copy of the Kama Sutra.
*Not allowed to follow the President and the Admiral at all.
281. A wet T-shirt contest is not a traditional way to celebrate Colonial Day.
*neither is an orgy.
282. Not allowed to tell Tom Zarek that he looks like an old Apollo.
283. Not allowed to tell Hera Agathon the toaster in the galley is her sister.
284. Not allowed to ask President Roslin if she can "hook a brother up".
Demonique (me):
285. Not allowed to form a fraternity/sorority.
286. Not allowed to start a cult.
287. It is not a tumor.
288. I do not need chamalla extract for "medicinal purposes".
*The same goes for alcohol.
289. The Pegasus has not returned to haunt the Fleet as a ghost ship.
*Neither has the Cloud Nine.
*Neither has the Olympic Carrier.
*There is no such thing as ghost ships, I have never seen one, and I am to refrain from saying otherwise.
290. I am not a licensed organ dealer.
*Getting a civilian drunk and ensuring he woke up in a tub of ice with a note on his chest urging him to go to the infirmary was not funny the first time.
*Neither is it funny with nuggets.
291. Not allowed to start a daycare center.
*Not allowed to start a "Gentleman's Club".
*Definitely not any combination of the two.
292. Not allowed to stockpile weapons or ammunitions.
*No, not even for the impending zombie uprising.
*There is no impending zombie uprising, and I am to refrain from saying otherwise.
293. "In the name of science" is never a valid excuse.
*No matter what Dr. Baltar says.
*No matter what Dr. Cottle says.
*No matter what Lt. Gaeta says.
Bacon:
294. Not allowed to approach any captive-or-otherwise Six model Cylon and state any variation of "And I'm Nine ..." "Six? Nine!" or "You're surely Ten!" or any other sexual/attractual numerical wordplay.
*Not even if anyone else did it first. Right up to president Roslin. Especially her.
Demonique (me):
295. Not allowed to jump rope in the hallways.
*Or pogo stick in the hallways.
*Or roller skate in the hallways.
*Or set up a trampoline in the hallways.
296. Not allowed to incessantly sing "Lovely Bunch of Coconuts".
*It is up to my superiors to dictate what "incessantly" means.
*In this case, it means "ever".
*The phrase "lovely bunch of coconuts" is hereby added to the banned list.
297. If at any time I am too ill to report for my duties, I need to procure official documentation stating thus with a signature from an authorized medical personnel.
*Dr. Baltar is not an authorized medical personnel.
*Especially not if he's faking Dr. Cottle's signature.
*Or Nurse Ishay's.
298. Not allowed to ask Lt. Agathon if she remembered to register her software.
299. No longer allowed to have in my possession at any time: sticky tack, yo-yos, slinkies, party hats, knitting needles, bouncy balls, clackers, whoopie cushions, hand buzzers, or especially colorful pinwheels.
300. Not allowed to sing "Song That Never Ends".
*Or trick nuggets into singing it.
301. Not allowed to make Dr. Baltar cry.
*Not on purpose, at least.
*Definitely not allowed to keep score.
*Or brag about my score.
*Or place bets regarding my score.
*No, not because "that's President Roslin's job".
*And aren't I not allowed in the brig anyways?
stillshimpy:
302. "Our glowing, smoking, crumbled former home." is not an acceptable replacement for Auld Lang Signe.
303. Trying to organize algae wrestling matches after doing ambrosia bongs will only end up with someone getting hurt.
*and messy
*and sweaty
*and frisky
*I did too turn over all the negatives. Almost all.
304. I am not allowed to suggest fiber supplements in response to Admiral Adama's glare.
*Ow. Cottle says I'm healing well
*hellava right hook on the old guy
305. There is no reason for trying to "get my naked men back" from the showers.
*or to hide their towels
*or to steal their clothing
*I want that camera back!
306. Sending out that pamphlet declaring amnesty for all naked Cylons was a bad idea.
*as was looking directly at naked Cottle
307. When Capt. Agathon gives me an order the correct response is, "Yes, Sir." not "Will you be my candyman."
308. Snapping the strap on Tigh's eyepatch is both cruel and discourteous.
*Even if it bizarrely acted like a slingshot
*Spinning him by the strap is also heavily frowned upon
*even when he gets impressive air
309. Am not allowed to chant, "It's funny now, just wait until someone loses an eye." in a shrill sing-song voice under my breath while following Tigh around anymore.
310. I am not allowed to sneak around in the dead of night, taping extra corners to octagonal shapes.
*Or to start anymore movements called "Demand Squares"
*Or any variations thereof
*Turns out that is not the shape of things to come
bluedevilblue:
311. While working in the Galactica's print shop, I will not add questions to public opinion polls about President's sexual preferences.
*The President doesn't even own a whip.
*The President has never tied anyone to her bed.
*Or her desk.
*No, it doesn't matter what rumors I heard about her and Adar.
312. When the CAG indicated the Admiral was "hot" over the printing prank, he meant angry.
*Never to mention, hint at, or joke to CAG about Admiral's sex life.
*Or President's sex life.
*Even if Captain Thrace did it first.
313. The phrase "Commander in Chief" does not give the President booty call privileges and I will not tell the nuggets otherwise.
*Even if it has helped recruitment.
314. If one more nugget shows up on Colonial One with "Love Slave" written across his or her chest in bright red lipstick, Tory Foster has permission to hurt me.
*But not with the President's whip, which does not exist.
315. The following phrases are added to the banned list: "Mistress of Education," "President's whipping boy," "President's whipping girl" and "It's your duty, give the President that booty."
Demonique (me):
316. Not allowed to practice my maniacal laughter over the comms.
*Or the fleetwide wireless.
*I know damn well what constitutes "maniacal laughter".
317. Not allowed to stage paintball tournaments.
318. Not allowed to shoot at the CAG's Viper during training exercises.
319. Not allowed to refer to planetside missions as "field trips".
*No, not even if the President is going.
320. That is not an appropriate usage of a staple gun.
*Or a hot glue gun.
*Or a fire extinguisher.
*Or a flamethrower.
321. Unless explicitly instructed otherwise by a superior officer, I am not allowed to superglue anything to anything.
*Or anyone to anyone.
*Or anything to anyone, and this makes three times I've been told to stay out of the brig now.
*It doesn't matter that the hair will grow back.
*Probably.
*In this case, Captain Thrace does not count as my superior officer.
322. Not allowed to start tabloid newspapers.
323. Not allowed to start poetry slam nights.
324. Not allowed to start a community theatre group.
325. Not allowed to engage in LARPing.
*Especially if I am RPing as someone who actually exists.
326. As of this moment there are no registered hermaphrodites anywhere in the crew of Galactica, and I am to refrain from spreading rumors to the contrary.
*The same goes for eunuchs.
327. Not allowed to start trading card frenzies.
328. Not allowed to wear my uniform backwards.
329. Not allowed to wear a grass skirt.
*Or a lei.
*Or a coconut bra.
330. Not allowed to respond to an order with "yes, my liege."
*Or "yes, your majesty".
*Or "yes, your grace".
*Or "yes, my queen."
*Especially if the individual giving the order is not, in fact, a female.
331. There is no such thing as a brain slug.
332. That is not an appropriate usage of a cucumber.
333. "Cut that out right now" is not a subjective statement, it is an order.
334. No longer allowed to use the following series of numbers as a password or combination to anything: 4 8 15 16 23 42
335. Not allowed to refer to the nuggets as "cannon fodder".
336. Not allowed to get the nuggets to wear red shirts over their uniforms.
*Or under their uniforms.
337. There is no casual dress workday aboard Galactica.
*I am not allowed to start one.
*No matter how many signatures I can get on my petition.
338. Not allowed to play ultimate frisbee.
339. Not allowed to play capture the flag.
*Or the "fun new alternative", capture the CAG.
340. The Cylons did not probe me anally.
*If they did, no one wants to hear about it.
*Especially not the President.
341. Not allowed to challenge superior officers to duels.
342. Not allowed to "air guitar" while on duty.
*Or "air drum".
*Or "air keyboard".
*Or "air glockenspiel".
343. Not allowed to start random slow claps.
*Yes, that is the Admiral's job.
344. Not allowed to ask people whether they want the red pill or the blue pill.
*Especially if I actually offer them a red pill and a blue pill.
*No, not even if they're really just jelly beans.
345. I am not a licensed forklift operator.
346. We do not serve "see food" in the mess, and that joke stopped being funny in primary school.
347. Not allowed to bring drinks into the CIC because of the mess that results when they invariably spill over the keyboards.
*As I should be well aware.
*For the fifth time now.
348. The proper response to a direct order is not "why?"
*Nor is it "make me".
349. There are no fish in the starboard water tank.
*Or the port water tank.
*And I am not allowed to add any.
350. Not allowed to play "Pin the Tail on the XO".
*Or "on the ECO".
*Or "on the CAG".
*Or "on the Cally".
*Or "on the Baltar".
*It doesn't matter that the last one was actually the nuggets; where do I think they got the idea from?
Natbu:
351. “But he won’t hurt anyone, he has a SOUL now!” will not stop President Roslin from airlocking a Toaster.
*President Roslin may airlock me if I use the above phrase.
*Claiming Jane Espenson made me say is not a “get out of airlock free” card.
*Suggesting that Hera’s blood may yet turn the President into “Roslin, the Cylon Slayer” will not score me any points.
352. Colonel Tigh accepts salutes ONLY in greeting. Pinching his ass just won’t do.
*Referring to Colonel Tigh as “Colonel Tight-ass” while offering above pinch is also unacceptable.
353. “Maybe if the Admiral hadn’t been high and cuddling with the President…” is not an acceptable explanation for the occupation.
*If any cuddling is mentioned, Roslin, and not Baltar, must be specified as the President in question.
*I am not allowed to picture Admiral Adama cuddling Baltar.
*If I suggest any cuddling went on between the Admiral and Baltar, Roslin will have all three of us airlocked. It’s really the only thing to do.
*Captain Thrace does NOT cuddle. Don’t try. Especially during briefings.
354. The above cuddling between the President and the Admiral does not mean they have anything other than a purely professional relationship.
*Neither does the President’s recent nap in the Admiral’s rack.
*The phrase “the President’s rack” is not funny or acceptable. We aren’t twelve here, nuggets.
355. I am not allowed to try to convince Colonel Tigh that his dead wife is speaking through me.
*I may not call the supposed voice “Head-Ellen.”
*I may not suggest to Colonel Tigh that his wife may return to him if he does the mystical dance of the Colonel’s funky chicken.
*I must not ever, ever picture Colonel Tigh doing the dance of the Colonel’s funky chicken. Especially during briefings.
*I must never mention chicken nuggets in front of new pilot recruits.
*Popping a few chicken nuggets inside my mum’s old silver toaster is not an acceptable visual aide during a “Here’s our plan” briefing for the new recruits.
calbear:
356. Not allowed to hand the Agathons a bottle of WD-40 with the admonition: "You two kids go have yourselves some fun, now."
357. Not allowed to say "Me love you long time" to Lt. Thrace.
*Or Lt. Dualla
*Or Tory Foster
*Especially not to President Roslin
*"Me love you long time" is hereby added to the banned list.
CarsonMcKay:
358. Not allowed to hand the Agathons virus protection software and call it "flu immunization".
359. Not allowed to teach Hera how to use airlock.
360. Not allowed to tie-dye the gray tank tops
361. That is not an appropriate use of the helium
*Or Nitrogen
*Or any other gas
362. Not allowed to use Slip 'N Slide in hangar
Natbu:
363. No longer allowed to use gods from Captain Thrace’s locker to cast spooky shadows in Colonial One to make the President think she’s having a “vision.”
*The god-puppets vision regarding the Shepherd, the Viper Pilot, the Vulcan, and the lollipop was especially uncalled for.
364. No longer allowed to record appointments between the Admiral and the President as “Senior Sexcapades” in the official logbook
*Even if both Tory and Tigh nodded knowingly and Captain Thrace got the giggles.
*If they are recorded as such, clarification regarding the invite must be made. The Vice President showed up and seemed so hopeful last time. It was heartbreaking.
*I can no longer create airlock graffiti of the last incident.
*Especially when President Roslin is standing near the red button.
367. Despite that incident in the hallway, the CAG is no longer to be referred to as “Major Frodo.”
*I may also not refer to Cottle as “Doc Gandalf.”
*Gaeta is NOT an elf.
368. “Post-Resurrection Trauma” is not a valid excuse for sick leave.
*Screaming in a bubble bath convinces no one.
*I am not allowed to draw a bubble bath in the Admiral’s quarters. Ever. Again.
369. Nugget initiation by stealing the CAG’s towel must cease immediately. Seriously.
*Unless part of the Presidential welcome ceremony.
370. I am no longer allowed to hyphenate Captain Thrace’s name to “Captain Thrace-Adama-Baltar-Anders-Leoben-Adama.”
*Especially when the rest of the message follows: “A missile will collide with your vessel in two seconds. Take evasive maneuvers.
*President Roslin-Adar-Adama-Zarek-Adama-we-don’t-know-about-Billy is likewise not amused.
371. I can no longer ask Lieutenant Agathon to be a go-between when I have trouble with major appliances.
*Lieutenant Agathon is not a “Coffee Machine Whisperer”
*Even if I think I’m getting a migraine
*She is also not a source of spare parts for my coffee machine
372. All songs initially sung with the word “Hero” in them are hereby banned within 20 yards of the Fighting Agathons
*Especially Mariah Carey or Bette Midler songs
*See above re “Did I ever tell you you’re my Helo.”
*”You had me at Helo. You had me at Helo.” is also banned.
373. I cannot plug my laptop into Hera.
*Even if the battery is about to die.
*I cannot “borrow” her to replace my Viper battery.
374. If I see Gaeta glaring at Colonel Tigh, I cannot offer him a pen and “see what happens.”
*You can poke an(other) eye out with those things.
375. A glower from the Admiral cannot be alleviated with an offering of Metamucil.
376. The Admiral, The Vice President, and the President’s relationships cannot be explained by substituting in characters from “Dawson’s Creek.”
*Likewise regarding Lee, Dee, Kara, & Anders and the show “Passions.”
*I am not a soap star.
*I am not a porn star.
*I am not allowed to ask Anders or Apollo to costar in any video ventures.
*Captain Thrace and Major Apollo’s relationship may also not be explained by “OK, imagine if Han Solo slept with Luke Skywalker.”
377. “Awww,” is not an acceptable reaction when the President and Admiral walk into a room together.
*The same goes for Baltar and Gaeta.
*Or Tigh and Cottle.
378. Tigh and Cottle are not willing to read scenes from “Grumpy Old Men” for the nuggets’ bedtime stories.
379. I may no longer tell the new recruits that the morgue is the “Nugget Processing Facility.”
*Nor that they must coat themselves in a thin layer of peanut oil and rice flour before going on missions behind toaster lines.
*None of this has anything to do with what that algae is really made of.
GoldfishGirl42:
380. Not allowed to play fleet's smallest violin whenever Capt. Agathon walks by.
*Or Maj. Adama.
*Or Capt. Thrace.
*Not allowed to own string instruments any more.
* Miniature or otherwise.
381. Not allowed to sock the XO in his good eye.
*Or the other one either.
*"Capt. Agathon did it first" is not an appropriate rationale.
*"Capt. Thrace did it first" is DEFINITELY not an appropriate rationale.
382. Not allowed to mix in pink civvies with Lt. Agathon's delicates cycle.
*Not allowed to ponder other meanings of "Lt. Agathon's delicates cycle."
*Especially not out loud.
383. Sagittarons do not have cooties.
384. Not allowed to run around Starboard Side Civilian Encampment dressed in a sheet, labeled "Angel of Death" making "Woooooo" noises.
*Not allowed to run around ANYWHERE making "Wooooo" noises.
Demonique (me):
385. "Stop me before I kill again" is not a valid excuse for sick leave.
*And really not funny to say in front of the civilians.
*Or the press.
*Or the nuggets.
386. My superior officers cannot be warded off with holy symbols.
*Or good luck charms.
*Or offerings of liquor.
*Alright, fine, offerings of liquor. But it's still not right.
387. The "Who's Frakking/Frakked/Wants to Frak/Dating/Dated/Married to/Sexually Obsessed With Who" flowchart really needs to come down.
*Even if the nuggets find it "supremely handy".
388. Even if I have a womb, I am not allowed to offer "temporary use" of it to the Admiral and his XO.
*Or the XO and Dr. Cottle.
*Or Lt. Gaeta and Dr. Baltar.
*Not allowed to offer anyone else's womb either.
389. The fact that whenever Dr. Baltar says "cruel and unusual punishment" lately he is usually referring directly to me is not something to be proud of.
*No matter what Captain Thrace says.
390. I have not been authorized to "bring in da funk, bring in da noise".
391. Not allowed to replace the mirror in the pilots' showers with a two-way one.
*Or the mirror in the CAG's shower.
*Or the mirror in the Agathons' shower.
*Or the mirror in the Colonial One bathroom.
*Not allowed to replace anyone's mirror with a two-way one.
*Especially for the purpose of singing "The Angel of Music".
toadlessgirl:
392. There is no such thing as an Agathong.
393. The phrase “bun in the toaster oven” was not funny while Lt. Agathon was pregnant, and is not funny now.
394. A group of nuggets is not called a Happy Meal.
*Nor does it come with fries and a drink.
395. The chain of command is not organized by hotness.
*I am allowed to start this practice.
396. The voices in my head cannot overrule direct orders.
*Nor can my Magic Eight Ball.
*Or my imaginary friends.
397. Slavery is illegal.
*Yes, nuggets count.
*As do civvies.
398. I will not giggle incessantly every time the President asks Admiral Adama to debrief her.
*The word debrief is hereby added to the list.
399. If I choose to chew bubble gum on CAP I will clean the inside of my helmet myself.
400. I will not put on full flight gear and then decide I need to use the bathroom.
401. I am not authorized to sell planets, moons or other celestial bodies.
402. No one wants to see my magic tricks.
403. I will not insert a laugh track into combat training videos.
*Or Presidential speeches.
*Even if people are laughing anyways.
404. No, we are not there yet.
*I will not ask again.
*Ever.
Demonique (me):
405. Making balloon animals is not an appropriate usage of time during training exercises.
*Or of time during briefings.
*Or of time during rounds in the CIC.
*Neither is teaching nuggets how to make balloon animals.
*Or participating in the ship-wide distribution of balloon animals.
*Dr. Baltar does send his thanks, however, for the adorable green giraffe.
406. Not allowed to stage a reinactment of "The Little Boy Who Cried Cylon", for reasons that should be obvious even to me.
407. Nothing is "my boomstick".
408. I am not the mess hall's sous chef.
*Nor am I the manager.
*Nor am I the maitre d'.
409. Not allowed to talk about my sex toy collection.
*Or add ship's equipment to my sex toy collection.
*Or add people to my sex toy collection.
*Even if they ask.
*Even if they beg.
*Especially if they run screaming in the opposite direction.
*Dr. Baltar does too count as a person.
*No matter what anyone else says.
410. I have not been authorized to "bring sexy back".
*Neither has anyone else.
*No, not even Major Adama.
*"Them pilots" do know how to act.
*As do "them Cylons".
*In any case, sexy never left.
Echo79:
411. I am not allowed to ask Capt. Agathon how many licks it takes to get to the center of his Tootsie Pop.
412. I am not allowed to ask either of the Agathons how many licks it takes to get to the center of their Tootsie Pops.
*Or of each others
*Not even if Capt. Thrace did it first.
413. I am not allowed to call Maj. Adama's bullet wound a 'little love bite'.
414. I am not allowed to call Maj Adama's bullet wound 'Starbuck's calling card'
*Especially in her presence
*I am not allowed to write 'Starbuck's calling card' across the bandage Cottle put across my nose when Starbuck hit me.
*I am also not allowed to get one of the nuggets to do it for me.
*Starbuck does not, in fact, have a calling card.
*Not allowed to make her some.
Bowfrog:
415. Not allowed to point out that the letters "XO" actually sort of resemble the upper portion of Tigh's face.
*Not even if Captain Thrace pointed it out first
*Not even if Admiral Adama laughs
416. Using the red telephone to prank call Colonial One at three in the morning wasn't funny the first time.
*The same thing goes for all prank calls.
*No matter what Admiral Cain said.
417. President Roslin did not take the admiral's pins she gave to Adama from Admiral Cain's body.
*She didn't have Billy do it, either.
*No matter what Billy said.
Natbu:
418. No longer allowed to start rousing, hands-in-the-air, group chants of “Air-LOCK! Air-LOCK!” when Roslin gets pissed at Baltar.
*Starting the above chant when Roslin and Adama are having a fight will only earn me some hurt later.
*As will calling the above fight a “lovers’ quarrel.”
419. I am no longer to create sassy rhyming couplets regarding Lee and Dee.
*Or Kara and Hera
*Or Tigh and his Eye
*I am not “Shakespeare to these frakkin’ colonials.” The colonials are not “lucky to have me.”
*I should not follow the Admiral and the President around reading Klingon love poetry. “Gook! Kplagh!”
420. Head-Six is not my marionette. I should not claim otherwise to Baltar.
*Asking where he currently sees her and dangling strings above that spot proves nothing.
421. Telling Caprica her “Head-Baltar” and I are having a secret affair is just mean.
*Telling her Roslin is the one having the affair with him is meaner.
*Telling her Gaeta is having the affair is both fun and condoned by the President and the Admiral.
*Telling her Gaeta killed HeadBaltar with his favorite imaginary pen is also acceptable.
422. I am no longer allowed to claim I can see HeadBaltar and HeadSix.
*Telling Tigh “HeadBaltar is touching you inappropriately! Hit him! Hit him!” is no longer welcome.
*Even if the resulting gesticulations once 'brought the CIC house down.'
*Nor may I tell Tigh all the rest of us can see HeadBaltar and HeadSix, but they always stand in his blind spot.
423. I cannot create my own “Head Nuggets” and then claim they volunteered to take my turn at CAP.
424. When the President and the Admiral are debating a difficult and complex ethical issue, I am no longer allowed to suggest they ask “the moral guardian of the fleet” and point towards Captain Agathon.
*Pointing out that a dinner meeting with both of the Agathons would allow them to not just make a decision, but toast it too, is also not allowed.
mysticowl:
425. Not allowed to suggest to Colonel Tigh that he borrow Jupiter's eye.
*Not allowed to draw the Eye of Jupiter on Col. Tigh's eyepatch.
*Not even if Capt. Thrace did it first
426. Not allowed to hang a "Please, Disturb" sign on Baltar's cell.
*and proceed to throw suggestive glances at Gaeta
*and film the results
*brig filming is a Government monopoly
*I am re-banned from the brig
427. Not allowed to ask Gaeta if his pen is mightier than Baltar's sword
*am banned from saying the words "Gaeta" and "pen" in the same sentence
428. Not allowed to tell Capt. Agathon that he's the moral compass of the fleet
*and then ask him where his arrow points
*and then look at Lt. Agathon and say, "Oh, so that's North."
429. All copies of my book, "The A to Z of Roslin's Men," will be burned
*it needs a reprint anyway, since Adm. Adama pointed out that alphabetically he precedes Adar.
*so does Major Adama
Tanker:
430. I am not allowed to cough/mutter "airlock" while guarding Baltar as he's transfered to/from his cell.
*Not allowed to write the word "airlock" in Baltar's cell while he's not there.
*Not allowed to paste up pictures of airlocks anywhere Baltar might see them.
*Not allowed to get a nugget to do it either.
*Or Captain Thrace.
*Or anyone else.
*And I am re-re-rebanned from the brig.
431. I am not allowed to dare Captain Thrace to do anything. She always does it.
432. Not allowed to ask Captain Thrace, "Gods, what is your childhood trauma?"
Natbu:
433. Nor am I allowed to suggest that Captain Thrace needs to "spank her inner moppet."
434. Not allowed to call the D'Annas the "Xenaclons."
*Not allowed to call the Dorals the "Spacylons."
*The Sharons do not take well to being addressed as "Boom-Boom."
Sociophobic:
435. Not allowed to suggest that humanity's last defense against the Cylons might not be the best location for a bar.
*Especially if standing anywhere near Tyrol.
436. Not allowed to taunt Baltar with the writing supplies section of the Staples catalogue.
*Or ask Capt. Thrace if she has an "easy button."
*She totally does.
437. Not allowed to ask what happened to all the black market orphans.
*Or if I have to return mine.
438. Not allowed to play connect the dots on the DRADIS.
*Especially if we're under attack.
439. Not allowed to play connect the dots on Adm. Adama.
*Especially if I wish to live.
Bowfrog:
440. As my commanding officer, Admiral Adama is allowed to "leave me hanging" whenever he so chooses.
441. Not allowed to do the wave in CIC.
*Or the ready room
*Or debriefing meetings
*Especially not if Captain Thrace starts it.
442. "Giving the President a slow clap" does not refer to a type of venereal disease.
*No matter what Dr. Baltar says.
443. Galactica's roof is never, in fact, on fire.
*I am to stop yelling that it is.
*Even if it were, we would, in fact, need water.
*This goes double for Colonial One.
444. President Roslin does not want to read my erotic short stories.
*Not even if they're about her.
*Not even if they're about her and Adama.
*No longer allowed to write erotic short stories.
*Or any stories, for that matter.
*My two-way mirror aboard Colonial One has been removed.
445. Not allowed to assemble a crack string quartet of nuggets and reenact that scene from Titanic during tense moments in the CIC.
Edit: As of 3/6/07, I have stopped updating at number 445. However, you can find the original post at the TWoP forum, where the list is currently almost 1000 items long. Enjoy!