Fic: Couture - RPS - Part 7
Title: Couture
Rating: R (NC-17 overall)
Pairing: Chris/Zach
Word count: 6300 (this part)
Warning: Language, angst, Zach/OMC.
AN: I’m so sorry this part took longer than usual. It was ready to post but apparently my laptop was in a competition for the computer infected with the most viruses ever.
Summary: Zach is a fashion designer and Chris is a male model that he takes an interest in.
Previous parts: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6
Part 7
Zach hears a key in the lock of his door and he sits up, his heart racing with hope as the door is pushed open. Joe stands there, keys in hand, and a worried look on his face. Zach lies back down.
“What the hell is going on?” Joe asks, walking into his apartment and switching on the light as he uses his toe to push a towel to the side on the floor. “Zach, you’re not returning anyone’s calls. Mom’s worried sick.”
Zach’s lying along the couch in sweatpants and a white wife beater, a cigarette in his mouth and a bottle of beer in his hand as he wallows in self-loathing and self-pity.
“Go away,” Zach mumbles, taking a long drag of his cigarette, his mind in a drunken haze.
“You need to open a window; it’s all smelly and filled with cigarette smoke in here.” Joe waves a hand in front of his face with a look of disgust before walking over to the windows, pushing the curtains back and opening them. Joe then turns, picking up cartons of half eaten Chinese off the floor, as well as clothing.
“Didn’t know it was daytime,” Zach mumbles, putting his hand up as sunlight streams into the room.
“What is going on?” Joe mutters to himself in disbelief, looking around the mess of the apartment before fixing his eyes on Zach. “This’ll be fine. My normally anally clean and healthy brother is living in a landfill and eating carbs. Is this it? Is the world ending?”
“Hope it does,” Zach murmurs, taking a sip of his beer and staring toward the ceiling, his gaze unseeing.
“Zach, I love you, but this place is getting ridiculous. I’m beyond worried right now. Where’s Noah?”
“Kitchen. He’s rejecting me too.”
“You sound like a fourteen year old going through her first break up, Zach. This isn’t a healthy way of processing Chris leaving you. Look at you, when did you last shave? Or wash? Or brush your teeth?”
“Don’t know.”
“OK, I’m going to grab a trash bag from the kitchen and clean this place a little.”
Zach’s barely aware of the movement going on around him as Joe walks around throwing dirty clothes into a hamper and filling the trash bag with rubbish that’s spread all across his floor.
“At least you’re eating, I guess,” Joe says, picking up a pizza box with a disgusted look on his face. “Even though it’s been like three years since you ate pizza, but whatever.” Zach looks over when Joe, who’s fussing around the TV, gives out a loud snort. “Got enough gay porn here?”
“Doesn’t matter, couldn’t get off to it.” Zach finishes his cigarette and goes for another straight away.
“You could have gone after him you know, you still can,” Joe says carefully, eyeing Zach worriedly.
Zach shakes his head. “I thought he’d come back to me but he hasn’t. I need to be here, waiting for him, in case he does. If he doesn’t come back, I guess it’s completely over.”
Joe’s phone suddenly goes off and he stands, flipping it open. “Hey Mom… yeah, I’m with him now… well, he’s alive… he’s been better… I know… he’ll be fine, I’ll take care of him and give you a call tomorrow… no, Mom, he’s eating… he’s looked better… OK, I love you, bye.”
Zach doesn’t know how long Joe’s been there before his legs are shoved down from the couch, his brother sitting down and staring at him with concern.
“Zach, you have an entire business to run. They told me you’ve switched off your cell and unhooked your main phone.”
“They can run it for a little while. Not like I can design shit right now anyway.”
Joe lets out a long sigh like Zach’s trying his patience. “You know what? Everyone suffers shitty break ups. Most people go through a few and they begin to get better at dealing, but this is your first major one, and I understand you’re hurting and you’re upset, but this is so unlike you that I’m legitimately scared right now. I mean, you’re eating junk food.”
Zach lets out an empty smile. “I always told Chris he’d get fat if he ate junk food. Should have told him he was perfect and I didn’t care. Was only teasing. I hope he knows.”
Joe stares at him, his eyes worried and a little shocked. “He knew you were only kidding around. You need to get your shit together because you could pass for a hobo right now. I will be here for you, I’ll help you, but this isn’t productive. Imagine if Chris walked in right now and saw you like this.”
“He’d probably be happy I’m expressing my fucking feelings,” Zach says bitterly, although his voice is laced with loss and sadness.
“This is one of the stages of break ups, Zach, but we need to move you onto the next one so we’re going to go and get you showered, and shaved, and into clothes that don’t look like you found them in the women’s maternity department, come on,” Joe tries, leaning over him and trying to heave him up. Zach remains limp as he sits there, staring forward, eyes glassy.
“Noah blames me. He misses Chris.”
Joe snorts. “He’s a dog; he doesn’t blame anyone or anything. Now stop acting like a child and get your ass up so I can make you a productive member of society again.”
Zach looks over at him, eyes upset. “Have magazines been talking about me?”
“There’s been a few on your break up, but so far nothing on how awful you’re looking right now. Let’s keep it that way.”
“How am I going to be able to design when I’m feeling like this?” Zach asks, his voice cracking at the end.
“You’ll channel all your pain and sadness into creating tragically dark designs and it’ll work as you’re doing your autumn-winter collection.”
“OK,” Zach says in a small, broken voice as he gets shakily to his feet. Joe takes the cigarette from his hand and stubs it out.
“No smoking in the bathroom,” Joe says, putting his hands on his brother’s shoulders and steering toward the shower. Zach lets himself be pushed, all the fight gone from his system.
He gets showered and dressed and his brother eventually leaves him be, but in the evening he finds Chris’ leather pants and he ends up right back at square one. He gets back into his sweatpants immediately and opens a new packet of cigarettes, slumping back in to his space on the couch as he grabs another beer.
…
“Fuck him,” Zach yells as he picks up his shot glass, looking at his table full of male models that are keeping him company as he sits in a bar on a Friday night.
“Fuck who?” One of them asks, his blond hair too bright and his eyes not blue enough.
“Don’t matter,” Zach slurs, throwing back his seventh shot. “You know I gave him everything? He was too dumb to realise it though, that I would have fucking done anything for him. I even suffered through meeting his parents for god’s sake and how does he return the favour? He fucks off back to LA because I don’t open up enough. Fuck him. Fuck his stupid fat thighs that aren’t even that fat. He’d be nothing without me, nothing. I gave him somewhere to fucking stay for fuck’s sake and took care of him when he broke his arm because he’s too stupid to cross a street, and yet he leaves me? It’s fucked up is what it is,” Zach rambles, throwing back another shot.
He vaguely notices two of the models exchanging looks but he doesn’t even care, not any more. As long as at least one of them comes home with him then he doesn’t care.
Zach smiles wide as Karl approaches the table hesitantly, his eyes nervous as he takes in Zach with a small frown. “Zach?”
“Hey, man. Join us. We’re on like our fiftieth shot or something.”
“Yeah, I see that,” Karl says, on edge as he watches him. “Haven’t seen you get this wrecked in a while.”
“I’m celebrating. Chris is no longer in my life and he’s probably some poor, shitty actor doing baby commercials. Fuck him.”
Karl gives him a worried look before walking away, grabbing his phone from his pocket.
Later, when Zach is about to leave the club, his arms around two models, his brother turns up looking pissed off and irritated. “Karl called me,” Joe snaps.
Zach gets taken home without the models, much to his annoyance.
“Who knew he’d screw you up this much,” Joe says as Zach flops down onto his mattress fully dressed.
“I did,” Zach mutters drunkenly before passing out.
…
Zach walks into his mom’s house and yells “hello?” to announce himself as he looks at all the Christmas decorations covering the hallway. His mom comes through from the kitchen, her cheeks a little red from cooking, and she embraces him warmly. Zach wraps his arms around his mom’s small frame and lets it the familiar embrace comfort him.
“You would not believe how worried I’ve been about you,” his mom says emotionally after she pulls back. “Joe said you’ve really been upset.”
Zach smiles awkwardly as his mom leads him into the living room and sits him down on the couch. “I’m alright, honestly. I’m a lot better than I was. I think the whole thing just surprised me. I didn’t think that Chris leaving would affect me, and then he did, and I fell apart.”
His mom stares at him with worry written all across her features as her hands come over to hold his. “I was so sorry to hear about you two. Especially considering how close you both seemed at Thanksgiving.”
Zach looks down at his lap. “Yeah, well, turns out we weren’t really supposed to be together, so that’s that.”
“But, why? Did either of you cheat?” Margo asks, her voice slipping to a disapproving tone.
Zach shakes his head. “No. I was unable to…” Zach takes in a long breath. “I was unable to tell him how I really feel. We never talked about anything real or what we wanted in our future. He needed to hear it.”
Margo sits back slightly, a frown etching her features. “You don’t have problems talking about your feelings. You’ve always been very in touch with them even since you were a little boy.”
“Around you and Joe, and very close friends but Chris was different. I just couldn’t. I could have gone after him, I probably should have, but maybe it’s good that I didn’t, maybe I just need some time.”
“It’s exactly what you need. You need some you-time and you shouldn’t feel guilty for focusing on yourself. If it’s meant to be, it’ll happen. There’s no such thing as a wasted relationship. And who knows, maybe Chris will come back and you boys will be able to get back together.”
Zach smiles bitterly. “God, Mom, Chris was amazing. He could read me like no one else and he stuck with me for longer than most people would have in his position.”
“If he knew you so well, he should have been able to read how much you loved him.”
Zach shakes his head. “He could, but it could only last so long before he needed to hear the words. Guessing isn’t always enough.”
His mom remains silent and Zach feels tears prick at his eyes again, wondering when it was going to finally stop hurting. He adjusts himself on the couch and spreads himself along it, his head resting in his mom’s lap as her hands run through his hair slowly.
“One day you’ll find someone,” Margo says quietly. Zach closes his eyes to try and stop any tears from forming.
…
Zach never really understood about rebounding until it started happening. He’d go out to a club and find himself looking for guys with brown hair and dark eyes, basically the complete opposite of Chris in looks. And other nights, when he was feeling more nostalgic and upset, he’d try and find someone who looked as similar to Chris as possible.
He was out one night in the mood for the former, someone who looked the opposite of Chris, when a guy slightly older than him approached him when he was standing at the bar, waiting to be served. He was as far from his usual type as was possible, with curly brown hair, a little bit of weight on him, and dressed in jeans and a red shirt that was slightly too tight for him. Zach smiled to himself, thinking back to all the times he’d called Chris chubby or fat, always in jest.
“You’re Zachary Quinto, right?” The guy says, looking eager as he leans against the bar.
Zach nods and smiles briefly. “I am.” Zach turns back to the bar, waiting for the bartender.
“I’m a big fan of your clothes.”
“Thanks,” Zach says, not making eye contact as he tries to get the bartender’s attention.
The guy snorts loudly. “Yeah, why would you wanna talk to me? I’m 20 pounds overweight and my IQ is above 110.”
Zach feels a stab of interest surge through him and he turns to give the guy a long look up and down. “Excuse me?”
“Don’t worry about it,” the guy says dismissively, turning around, about to walk away. Zach halts him with a hand around his wrist and the guy turns, looking surprised at being stopped.
“Why would you say that?” Zach asks, feeling offended.
“Just that you’re the type of guy who only gives attention to pretty boys and people you want to sleep with. Everyone else is wallpaper.”
Zach grits his teeth and raises an eyebrow, finding the guy’s attitude strangely appealing. “You don’t know me, how can you say stuff like that?”
The guy snorts. “Don’t worry about it. I’m used to guys like you.”
Zach stares at him, his mouth open and his heart beating just a slight bit faster. He feels a whisper of challenge run up his spine as he stares at the man opposite him with a long considering look. “What’s your name?”
The guy narrows his eyes and shoves his hands into his pockets. “James.”
Zach smirks, thinking over what he’s about to but deciding he may as well go for it, after all, he was looking for someone different to Chris in looks. “Wanna get out of here?”
James mouth falls opens, shock crossing his face. “What?”
“Well, you seem to think I’m a shallow douchebag, so I figured I’d prove you wrong.”
James blinks owlishly before slowly smiling. “Sure. Stay here, I need to go and tell my friends I’m leaving.”
Five minutes later and James returns, looking a little shocked that Zach is in fact waiting for him. Zach tilts his head, noting that while this guy is no where near as attractive as most guys he’s been with; he’s not completely unattractive considering his face is kind and open and he’s exactly what Zach is in the mood for.
When they’re back at his apartment, Zach has to admit it’s no where near the worst sex he’s ever had as the guy grunts and moans underneath him, sounding constantly in rapture as Zach thrusts into him hard and fast. When it’s over, Zach’s orgasm a little stronger than usual, James looks at him critically like he’s trying to see into his very soul.
“What was his name?” James asks, sounding a little breathless as he takes an offered cigarette.
Zach shakes his head. “What are you talking about?”
“Guys like you take guys like me home because they either hate themselves or want to make themselves feel better. Both situations are normally the result of a nasty break-up.”
Zach smiles bitterly, lighting his cigarette as he sits back against the headboard. “Maybe a little bit of both. You hate me, right?”
James smiles openly, and shakes his head. “You kidding? I just got fucked by Zachary Quinto. I couldn’t give a fuck what your reasons were. So, was it a serious thing?”
Zach smiles sadly, watching the cigarette burn between his fingers. “Yeah, in a way.”
“Did you love him?” James asks evenly.
“Yes,” Zach says immediately, his brain not even halting in its given response. Zach’s eyes widen over how simple it was to think and say out loud, like it’s a revelation. Zach immediately needs to change the subject. “So, what do you do?”
“I’m a therapist.”
Zach laughs. “Are you shitting me?”
“Nope. Bet I’ve got one of the highest IQs out of all your conquests.”
“You have,” Zach says, taking a long drag and blowing out. “Why were you such an asshole back to me at the bar?”
“You looked like you need some tough love. People probably don’t talk back to you much.”
Zach looks down at the comforter sadly. “My ex did.”
“It’ll get better, it always does,” James says, giving his thigh a pat before swinging his legs out of the bed and standing. Zach watches him get dressed, finding a small smile tugging at his lips. “Do you see a therapist?”
Zach smirks. “No, and I’m not looking for one.”
James smiles knowingly and gets out his wallet. “Well, if your self-loathing reaches new heights, give me a call and we can talk it out. Sometimes it helps.” He drops a business card on the nightstand and leans over, pressing his lips quickly to Zach’s.
“I’m not exactly good at talking about my feelings.”
James lets out an understanding nod. “Maybe you need someone to help you with that. Have a think.” James turns and leaves his room and apartment without another word.
Zach smiles, finding himself feeling a little better than he usually does after a guy leaves his place.
Four days later he stumbles across a secret stash of Oreos that Chris had clearly hidden from him. He eats the entire pack in one go and ends up bent over the toilet as he’s repeatedly sick into it. He calls James up and arranges an appointment.
…
Everyone told him it would take time and a lot of introspection before he found any kind of acceptance over it all.
It’s been four months and yet he still walks around his apartment with the ghost of Chris following him and an uncomfortable empty feeling in his stomach. He told Joe he didn’t understand why it still hurt; Chris wasn’t even with him that long in the grand scheme of things. Joe had just smiled sadly at him and told him with relationship’s it’s not just about length of time; it’s about how deeply you fall in love. Zach had laughed and told him to stop watching Grey’s Anatomy.
James turns out to be a very good therapist and Zach actually feels like he’s been the biggest help in getting him to accept what happened with Chris and how to deal with it in a productive way. There’s something freeing about talking to a relative stranger about his problems and he actually finds himself enjoying some of the sessions. It always ends with him walking away thinking about himself in a whole new way.
It’s late March when Joe walks into his office, ready to go out to lunch. Zach looks up from his work at his desk and smiles before catching a nervous, agitated look on his brother’s face.
Zach straightens. “What’s wrong?”
“You not heard?”
“Heard what?”
Joe rubs the back of his neck, his eyes looking everywhere but at Zach. “Chris got some acting job in an Off Broadway play and so he’s back in town for the foreseeable future.”
Zach tries to school his features into casual acceptance, but he knows he has only minimal success. “Good for him,” Zach says, looking back down to something he needs to sign. He scrawls his signature before realising he’s done it in the date box.
“You OK about this?” Joe asks.
“Why wouldn’t I be? I’m over it. Honestly.” Zach can’t remember the last time he outright lied knowingly to his brother’s face. Joe gives him a look like he didn’t buy it anyway. “We probably won’t even cross paths.”
“Yeah, you probably won’t.”
“OK, I think I’ve signed everything. Where did you wanna go for lunch?”
Joe is still looking at him with thinly veiled concern and it makes Zach sigh.
“I’m fine,” he insists.
“But, it’s OK if you’re not.”
“It’s been four months, I’m alright. I promise.”
Joe gives him a disbelieving look but drops it.
As they walk down the street, heading for a bistro Zach knows Joe likes, he can’t help but scan the people around them constantly, as if Chris is going to walk past them at any moment. He knows it’s ridiculous and irrational, but he can’t help it.
Zach smiles when he sees the bistro and turns to his brother. “This good?”
“Never been here, but sure,” Joe says with a shrug.
“What? This is your favourite lunch place.” Zach frowns.
“I’ve honestly never been here before,” Joe says, staring at him with worry before his face drops to shock, his eyes flicking to something over Zach’s right shoulder. Zach whirls around and sees Chris walking out of the bistro in black jeans and a white top, a thick cardigan around his body and a scarf tied around his neck.
“Zach,” Chris says in shock, coming to a stop in front of him. “Joe, hey man.” Chris goes in for an awkward hug with Joe as Zach stands there, his mind racing a mile a minute. Chris doesn’t try to hug him after he pulls back. Zach takes a long look at Chris, noting that his hair is more brown now, his skin a little tanned and his whole body slightly thinner, which makes his jaw line more pronounced. In his mind, he hoped Chris would have gotten fat and bald, not prettier, and looking at him makes his stomach flip over.
“How are you?” Zach asks, keeping his voice calm and collected.
“Yeah, not bad. Rehearsals have just started and I’m already exhausted. How are you? I looked up your autumn-winter menswear collection online, really amazing. A little dark, but each piece was beautiful.”
Zach forces a smile, trying to look grateful. “Yeah, thanks.”
“You didn’t need me after all,” Chris jokes with a nervous laugh.
Zach raises an eyebrow. His entire collection had been dark and depressing and it was only because certain dark styles were trends that his collection was hailed as a real success. If it was any other year, the collection would have been universally panned by fashion critics.
“Anyway, it’s my lunch break so I better head back to rehearsals. I hope I see you around. Maybe you’ll even come and see me in my play?” Chris asks, looking at Zach hopefully.
“Maybe,” Zach says neutrally.
Chris smiles at him before giving a nod at Joe and heading down the street. Zach exhales loudly as Joe pats his back comfortingly.
“That was good. First meeting following a break up is always the worst. Come on, let’s go eat somewhere else. This place is Chris’ favourite, not mine.”
Zach looks down to where his hand is clenched in a fist, the tension in his body not going anywhere as he falls into step with Joe.
…
It’s a fundraising fashion show for a charity Zach can’t even remember. He got tickets because they were using some of his clothes, and he knew there’d be a lot of important people at the event so he persuaded himself into getting dressed up and going.
Zach’s busy downing champagne when he glances across the room and his heart leaps suddenly as he sees Chris talking animatedly to another guy who’s thick set and very tall. Zach immediately puts connections together in his head, and before he knows it, he’s positive that the unknown man is Chris’ life partner, and they’re probably living together with two adopted children. He knows it’s ridiculous, but the surge of jealousy and annoyance that rushes through him makes him jump to stupid conclusions.
He downs the rest of his champagne, places it on an empty tray and makes a bee line through all the people moving around in their gowns and tuxes so he can reach Chris.
Chris turns and sees him coming, a smile gracing his face and making Zach want to drag him somewhere private.
“Hey,” Chris greets. Zach looks at him, noticing the smart, black, pin-striped pants and the embroidered black shirt as something from his recent menswear collection. In his mind, he’d put every single garment on Chris as he was designing them anyway, but seeing him in his outfit reaffirms his belief his clothes really would look outstandingly gorgeous on him.
“I’m surprised to see you here,” Zach comments lightly.
“A fashion show held to raise money for the homeless? Highlight of my social calendar,” Chris jokes. Zach’s gaze slides over to look at the guy next to him. “This is Jeff, he’s my co-star in the play I’m in.” Jeff gives him a smile but Zach suddenly gets the urge to smack it off his face. “This is Zachary Quinto.”
“Yeah, I know who you are. My wife has a dream of one day affording one of your dresses. She owns a scarf you designed but keeps it in its box so she doesn’t ruin it.” Zach smiles, no longer wanting to hurt the guy. “I’m going to go to the restroom; I’ll catch up with you in a bit, Chris.”
After he’s walked away, Chris turns and looks at him nervously, his confident grin gone.
“You look really good in my clothes,” Zach says, letting his hand fiddle with the bottom of Chris’ shirt like he can’t help himself.
“I didn’t know if you were going to be here. I wouldn’t have worn this stuff if I did.”
Zach smiles, dismissing his worry. “I’m more curious how you got the money for all of this.”
“I still know people in your office who know my size and like to send me clothes,” Chris says.
“What traitors,” Zach jokes, finding his whole body relaxed and a sense of easiness flowing through him. He hasn’t felt this calm in what feels like forever.
“I’ve been following you, you know.”
Zach frowns. “Like a stalker?”
Chris laughs, the sound sliding up Zach’s spine and making a smile tug at his own lips. “As in following your career, not like, walking the streets at night with night vision goggles.”
“You’d make a cute stalker,” Zach says flirtatiously. He mentally cringes when he hears himself.
“Well, if the acting gig fails me, at least I have a back up plan.”
They lull into silence, their eyes meeting for a split second before they both avert their gazes.
“How’s Noah?” Chris suddenly asks.
“He’s great. I’m thinking about getting a cat, actually. Keep him company on the days I stay late at work.”
Chris beams at him. “That’d be cute. Although, cats can be bitchy.”
“You’ve met Noah, right? That dog flounces around the apartment passive aggressively every time I get home.” Chris chuckles, the skin by his eyes crinkling. Zach seconds guesses what he’s about to do, but he goes for it any way. “You should stop by some time. I’m sure he misses you.”
Chris looks a little shy as he looks down at the floor. “I doubt he remembers me.”
“He does, trust me.”
Zach feels like he’s just made everything ten times more awkward and he looks around for someone he knows so he can get away from Chris as soon as possible, even though deep down, all he feels is a powerful tug toward him.
“Look, I know this is weird, but I’d really like it if you did come and see me in my play. My family won’t be there opening night, they’re coming a few nights later, and it’d be great to have someone I know in the audience, you know? You can bring someone if you, err, have someone in your life.”
Zach shakes his head. “You know me, I’m not Mr Relationship, and I’m not sure if it would be a good idea.”
“Oh, OK, well, I understand, I guess. If you change your mind, let me know. My cell number is the same. You could bring Joe or something?” Chris tries, looking hopeful and eager.
“I’ll think about it, honestly, I will.”
“If it helps, I’m half naked for a large part of it.”
Zach tilts his head from side to side with a considering look. “It does a little.” Chris smiles and Zach gets the overwhelming urge to kiss him. “OK, well, I’m going to go mingle, I’ll catch up with you in a bit.”
“Sure,” Chris says, nodding.
“I’ll see you later,” Zach says, giving Chris’ side a quick, playful smack, and walking away with relief.
He spends the next hour resolutely not gazing out across the crowd of people looking for brown hair and blue eyes as he desperately tries to focus on all the people that want to speak to him.
He’s relieved when he gets out onto the balcony so he can be alone and smoke. He’s acutely aware of what a risk Chris is now he’s back in New York and that it would be so easy for him to fall into his arms again, wallowing in the comfort of familiarity. Zach finds it a lot easier acknowledging his feelings this time, no longer scared of where they might lead, but he also reminds himself how messed up he was when Chris left and he seriously doubts getting into the same position again would help anything.
“Didn’t quit smoking, huh?” Zach turns around and sees Chris shutting the door out to the balcony closed and pushing his hands into his pockets at the chilly air. Zach is immediately struck by how good looking he is as he stares at Chris with his fluffy brown hair, impossibly blue eyes and gorgeous body, highlighted by the very well tailored clothes he’s wearing. It all makes his chest clench in longing.
Zach stares down at the cigarette. “Not a chance.”
Chris comes to stand next to him, looking out over the twinkling lights of the city as he gives a small shiver, the air visible when he breathes out.
“How was LA?” Zach asks.
“Hotter than I remembered, but it was great to spend some time with my sister.”
“How’d you get the acting gig?” Zach asks, making sure his tone is casual interest.
“Well, I heard there was an open audition for a play I’m interested in so I flew back out here a couple weeks ago just for the weekend. The audition went really well, but I didn’t get it at first, so I slept with the director and bam, I’m in a play.”
Zach turns to him in shock.
Chris looks at him seriously before bursting into laughter. “I’m kidding, jeez. While I was at home, I went to acting class like everyday and I really honed my skills so I went for this audition on the off chance and it seemed like I was exactly what they were looking for. I mean, it’s not a main role, I’m just playing a minor character, but having it on my resume will be awesome.”
Zach takes a long drag before smiling and bumping his shoulder against Chris’. “Proud of you.”
Chris grins at him, looking sincerely happy to hear those words. “Me too.”
“You back to sleeping on Sam’s couch?”
Chris shakes his head. “Nah, my parents are helping me with some rent on a studio apartment until I start earning more. It’s OK though, I still have money left over from some of the shoots I did.”
Zach smiles sympathetically. “Studio apartment, huh? I’ve been there.”
Chris chuckles and turns around, leaning back on balcony railings so he’s facing Zach. “So, does that mean in a year I should be in some million dollar penthouse apartment?”
“Keep that dream alive,” Zach jokes, looking down at his feet before lifting the cigarette to his mouth.
They dip into silence, which is both easy and uncomfortable at the same time.
“I’m sorry I just left,” Chris says quietly, his eyes fixed on the ground. “I don’t regret leaving, but I could have been less of a jerk and given you some notice.”
Zach chuckles to himself and shakes his head. “You know what’s funny? You apologising to me about leaving. If I had just told you how I felt, been a man about it, none of it would have happened. We could have spent the last four months together. But there’s no point in regrets, I guess. What’s done is done,” Zach says, surprised at how composed he is. There’s still a bitter, angry part of him that wants to shout at Chris for abandoning him without letting them talk it out first, but he knows it’s easier to accept what’s happened rather than constantly over-think it.
Chris nods sadly. “Yeah, I know, but I should have at least let you know or given it some time before just packing my bags and heading back to LA. Especially as my bags weren’t that heavy considering most of my stuff was at yours.”
Zach feels his cheeks burn for a moment. “I may or may not have destroyed some of them when I was angry.”
Chris just shrugs. “S’alright. They’re just clothes.”
“Hey, that’s my career you’re talking about,” Zach says and Chris throws his head back and laughs. It’s one of the few sounds in the world that Zach could hear for the rest of his life and never tire of. “I thought you’d come back you know. I thought maybe you’d only gone for a few days or a few weeks.”
Chris wraps his arms around his chest and lets out a shiver. Zach puts the tip of the cigarette between his lips and takes off his dinner jacket without a second’s hesitation and places it around Chris’ shoulders. Chris looks a little shocked at the considerate action but doesn’t say anything. “At first I thought maybe it would be, I had obligations back here, but I managed to get out of them and I just couldn’t return to the city. I actually wondered if you were going to come after me.”
Zach stubs out his cigarette on the ground with his foot and shakes his head, feeling his chest clench for a moment. “I did at first, not to LA, but I went to Sam’s apartment. I was already too late. I decided to wait for you to come back to New York.”
Chris laughs again, but this time it’s empty. “That worked out well for both of us.”
Zach shrugs. “Maybe it did. We both needed time and if I had come after you all the way to LA, I probably would have messed up again.”
Chris looks at him sadly, the blue eyes that have haunted Zach’s dreams for four months expressing so much that it makes him want to curl into a ball. He’s slightly angry at himself for feeling the exact same way about Chris as he did when they were together. He had hoped his feelings would fade and that he’d see Chris again and feel nothing, but as he stands there in the cold air, alone with Chris, he realises he’s just as in deep as he’s always been. Except this time, he finds it easier to admit to.
Chris looks at him with longing and it breaks his heart a little. “I should have waited. I knew the second I arrived in LA I should have stayed in New York for a good week, but my knee jerk reaction was to run home.”
“Who can blame you? I spent longer than usual in Pittsburgh letting my mom take care of me.” Zach swallows and looks down at the ground.
Chris looks like he’s about to ask about the ‘taking care of’ comment so Zach blurts out “You seeing anyone?” before he gets a chance. Zach doesn’t want to analyse his reasons for asking, it’s not like they’re going to suddenly start up where they left of, but he needs to know.
“No, you successfully ruined me for other men.” Chris smiles warmly at him, letting Zach know he’s teasing.
“Well, I am pretty fantastic in bed.”
“Except that time in the airplane bathroom on the way to Pittsburgh when I was in the most uncomfortable position ever and you just told me to get over it so you could fuck me and come.”
Zach laughs at the memory. Chris had moaned in annoyance throughout the entire thing as Zach tried to get off as quickly as possible in the tiny bathroom. He wasn’t surprised to find Chris hadn’t even gotten hard when he was done.
“Good times,” Zach mutters with a smile.
“For you maybe,” Chris jokes, pulling Zach’s jacket tighter around his frame. “I’m going to head inside because it’s freezing out here.”
Zach has barely noticed the temperature but nods anyway. “Sure, let’s go back inside.”
They walk back into the large event room and Zach notices a few people familiar with his history with Chris give them curious looks. Zach tries to ignore them as Chris pulls off his jacket and hands it back with a thankful smile.
“I guess I’ll catch you later,” Chris says quietly, a hint of hope in his tone.
Zach nods and watches Chris walk away from him. He grabs a glass of champagne and smiles around the rim as he takes a sip.
Part 8
Rating: R (NC-17 overall)
Pairing: Chris/Zach
Word count: 6300 (this part)
Warning: Language, angst, Zach/OMC.
AN: I’m so sorry this part took longer than usual. It was ready to post but apparently my laptop was in a competition for the computer infected with the most viruses ever.
Summary: Zach is a fashion designer and Chris is a male model that he takes an interest in.
Previous parts: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6
Part 7
Zach hears a key in the lock of his door and he sits up, his heart racing with hope as the door is pushed open. Joe stands there, keys in hand, and a worried look on his face. Zach lies back down.
“What the hell is going on?” Joe asks, walking into his apartment and switching on the light as he uses his toe to push a towel to the side on the floor. “Zach, you’re not returning anyone’s calls. Mom’s worried sick.”
Zach’s lying along the couch in sweatpants and a white wife beater, a cigarette in his mouth and a bottle of beer in his hand as he wallows in self-loathing and self-pity.
“Go away,” Zach mumbles, taking a long drag of his cigarette, his mind in a drunken haze.
“You need to open a window; it’s all smelly and filled with cigarette smoke in here.” Joe waves a hand in front of his face with a look of disgust before walking over to the windows, pushing the curtains back and opening them. Joe then turns, picking up cartons of half eaten Chinese off the floor, as well as clothing.
“Didn’t know it was daytime,” Zach mumbles, putting his hand up as sunlight streams into the room.
“What is going on?” Joe mutters to himself in disbelief, looking around the mess of the apartment before fixing his eyes on Zach. “This’ll be fine. My normally anally clean and healthy brother is living in a landfill and eating carbs. Is this it? Is the world ending?”
“Hope it does,” Zach murmurs, taking a sip of his beer and staring toward the ceiling, his gaze unseeing.
“Zach, I love you, but this place is getting ridiculous. I’m beyond worried right now. Where’s Noah?”
“Kitchen. He’s rejecting me too.”
“You sound like a fourteen year old going through her first break up, Zach. This isn’t a healthy way of processing Chris leaving you. Look at you, when did you last shave? Or wash? Or brush your teeth?”
“Don’t know.”
“OK, I’m going to grab a trash bag from the kitchen and clean this place a little.”
Zach’s barely aware of the movement going on around him as Joe walks around throwing dirty clothes into a hamper and filling the trash bag with rubbish that’s spread all across his floor.
“At least you’re eating, I guess,” Joe says, picking up a pizza box with a disgusted look on his face. “Even though it’s been like three years since you ate pizza, but whatever.” Zach looks over when Joe, who’s fussing around the TV, gives out a loud snort. “Got enough gay porn here?”
“Doesn’t matter, couldn’t get off to it.” Zach finishes his cigarette and goes for another straight away.
“You could have gone after him you know, you still can,” Joe says carefully, eyeing Zach worriedly.
Zach shakes his head. “I thought he’d come back to me but he hasn’t. I need to be here, waiting for him, in case he does. If he doesn’t come back, I guess it’s completely over.”
Joe’s phone suddenly goes off and he stands, flipping it open. “Hey Mom… yeah, I’m with him now… well, he’s alive… he’s been better… I know… he’ll be fine, I’ll take care of him and give you a call tomorrow… no, Mom, he’s eating… he’s looked better… OK, I love you, bye.”
Zach doesn’t know how long Joe’s been there before his legs are shoved down from the couch, his brother sitting down and staring at him with concern.
“Zach, you have an entire business to run. They told me you’ve switched off your cell and unhooked your main phone.”
“They can run it for a little while. Not like I can design shit right now anyway.”
Joe lets out a long sigh like Zach’s trying his patience. “You know what? Everyone suffers shitty break ups. Most people go through a few and they begin to get better at dealing, but this is your first major one, and I understand you’re hurting and you’re upset, but this is so unlike you that I’m legitimately scared right now. I mean, you’re eating junk food.”
Zach lets out an empty smile. “I always told Chris he’d get fat if he ate junk food. Should have told him he was perfect and I didn’t care. Was only teasing. I hope he knows.”
Joe stares at him, his eyes worried and a little shocked. “He knew you were only kidding around. You need to get your shit together because you could pass for a hobo right now. I will be here for you, I’ll help you, but this isn’t productive. Imagine if Chris walked in right now and saw you like this.”
“He’d probably be happy I’m expressing my fucking feelings,” Zach says bitterly, although his voice is laced with loss and sadness.
“This is one of the stages of break ups, Zach, but we need to move you onto the next one so we’re going to go and get you showered, and shaved, and into clothes that don’t look like you found them in the women’s maternity department, come on,” Joe tries, leaning over him and trying to heave him up. Zach remains limp as he sits there, staring forward, eyes glassy.
“Noah blames me. He misses Chris.”
Joe snorts. “He’s a dog; he doesn’t blame anyone or anything. Now stop acting like a child and get your ass up so I can make you a productive member of society again.”
Zach looks over at him, eyes upset. “Have magazines been talking about me?”
“There’s been a few on your break up, but so far nothing on how awful you’re looking right now. Let’s keep it that way.”
“How am I going to be able to design when I’m feeling like this?” Zach asks, his voice cracking at the end.
“You’ll channel all your pain and sadness into creating tragically dark designs and it’ll work as you’re doing your autumn-winter collection.”
“OK,” Zach says in a small, broken voice as he gets shakily to his feet. Joe takes the cigarette from his hand and stubs it out.
“No smoking in the bathroom,” Joe says, putting his hands on his brother’s shoulders and steering toward the shower. Zach lets himself be pushed, all the fight gone from his system.
He gets showered and dressed and his brother eventually leaves him be, but in the evening he finds Chris’ leather pants and he ends up right back at square one. He gets back into his sweatpants immediately and opens a new packet of cigarettes, slumping back in to his space on the couch as he grabs another beer.
…
“Fuck him,” Zach yells as he picks up his shot glass, looking at his table full of male models that are keeping him company as he sits in a bar on a Friday night.
“Fuck who?” One of them asks, his blond hair too bright and his eyes not blue enough.
“Don’t matter,” Zach slurs, throwing back his seventh shot. “You know I gave him everything? He was too dumb to realise it though, that I would have fucking done anything for him. I even suffered through meeting his parents for god’s sake and how does he return the favour? He fucks off back to LA because I don’t open up enough. Fuck him. Fuck his stupid fat thighs that aren’t even that fat. He’d be nothing without me, nothing. I gave him somewhere to fucking stay for fuck’s sake and took care of him when he broke his arm because he’s too stupid to cross a street, and yet he leaves me? It’s fucked up is what it is,” Zach rambles, throwing back another shot.
He vaguely notices two of the models exchanging looks but he doesn’t even care, not any more. As long as at least one of them comes home with him then he doesn’t care.
Zach smiles wide as Karl approaches the table hesitantly, his eyes nervous as he takes in Zach with a small frown. “Zach?”
“Hey, man. Join us. We’re on like our fiftieth shot or something.”
“Yeah, I see that,” Karl says, on edge as he watches him. “Haven’t seen you get this wrecked in a while.”
“I’m celebrating. Chris is no longer in my life and he’s probably some poor, shitty actor doing baby commercials. Fuck him.”
Karl gives him a worried look before walking away, grabbing his phone from his pocket.
Later, when Zach is about to leave the club, his arms around two models, his brother turns up looking pissed off and irritated. “Karl called me,” Joe snaps.
Zach gets taken home without the models, much to his annoyance.
“Who knew he’d screw you up this much,” Joe says as Zach flops down onto his mattress fully dressed.
“I did,” Zach mutters drunkenly before passing out.
…
Zach walks into his mom’s house and yells “hello?” to announce himself as he looks at all the Christmas decorations covering the hallway. His mom comes through from the kitchen, her cheeks a little red from cooking, and she embraces him warmly. Zach wraps his arms around his mom’s small frame and lets it the familiar embrace comfort him.
“You would not believe how worried I’ve been about you,” his mom says emotionally after she pulls back. “Joe said you’ve really been upset.”
Zach smiles awkwardly as his mom leads him into the living room and sits him down on the couch. “I’m alright, honestly. I’m a lot better than I was. I think the whole thing just surprised me. I didn’t think that Chris leaving would affect me, and then he did, and I fell apart.”
His mom stares at him with worry written all across her features as her hands come over to hold his. “I was so sorry to hear about you two. Especially considering how close you both seemed at Thanksgiving.”
Zach looks down at his lap. “Yeah, well, turns out we weren’t really supposed to be together, so that’s that.”
“But, why? Did either of you cheat?” Margo asks, her voice slipping to a disapproving tone.
Zach shakes his head. “No. I was unable to…” Zach takes in a long breath. “I was unable to tell him how I really feel. We never talked about anything real or what we wanted in our future. He needed to hear it.”
Margo sits back slightly, a frown etching her features. “You don’t have problems talking about your feelings. You’ve always been very in touch with them even since you were a little boy.”
“Around you and Joe, and very close friends but Chris was different. I just couldn’t. I could have gone after him, I probably should have, but maybe it’s good that I didn’t, maybe I just need some time.”
“It’s exactly what you need. You need some you-time and you shouldn’t feel guilty for focusing on yourself. If it’s meant to be, it’ll happen. There’s no such thing as a wasted relationship. And who knows, maybe Chris will come back and you boys will be able to get back together.”
Zach smiles bitterly. “God, Mom, Chris was amazing. He could read me like no one else and he stuck with me for longer than most people would have in his position.”
“If he knew you so well, he should have been able to read how much you loved him.”
Zach shakes his head. “He could, but it could only last so long before he needed to hear the words. Guessing isn’t always enough.”
His mom remains silent and Zach feels tears prick at his eyes again, wondering when it was going to finally stop hurting. He adjusts himself on the couch and spreads himself along it, his head resting in his mom’s lap as her hands run through his hair slowly.
“One day you’ll find someone,” Margo says quietly. Zach closes his eyes to try and stop any tears from forming.
…
Zach never really understood about rebounding until it started happening. He’d go out to a club and find himself looking for guys with brown hair and dark eyes, basically the complete opposite of Chris in looks. And other nights, when he was feeling more nostalgic and upset, he’d try and find someone who looked as similar to Chris as possible.
He was out one night in the mood for the former, someone who looked the opposite of Chris, when a guy slightly older than him approached him when he was standing at the bar, waiting to be served. He was as far from his usual type as was possible, with curly brown hair, a little bit of weight on him, and dressed in jeans and a red shirt that was slightly too tight for him. Zach smiled to himself, thinking back to all the times he’d called Chris chubby or fat, always in jest.
“You’re Zachary Quinto, right?” The guy says, looking eager as he leans against the bar.
Zach nods and smiles briefly. “I am.” Zach turns back to the bar, waiting for the bartender.
“I’m a big fan of your clothes.”
“Thanks,” Zach says, not making eye contact as he tries to get the bartender’s attention.
The guy snorts loudly. “Yeah, why would you wanna talk to me? I’m 20 pounds overweight and my IQ is above 110.”
Zach feels a stab of interest surge through him and he turns to give the guy a long look up and down. “Excuse me?”
“Don’t worry about it,” the guy says dismissively, turning around, about to walk away. Zach halts him with a hand around his wrist and the guy turns, looking surprised at being stopped.
“Why would you say that?” Zach asks, feeling offended.
“Just that you’re the type of guy who only gives attention to pretty boys and people you want to sleep with. Everyone else is wallpaper.”
Zach grits his teeth and raises an eyebrow, finding the guy’s attitude strangely appealing. “You don’t know me, how can you say stuff like that?”
The guy snorts. “Don’t worry about it. I’m used to guys like you.”
Zach stares at him, his mouth open and his heart beating just a slight bit faster. He feels a whisper of challenge run up his spine as he stares at the man opposite him with a long considering look. “What’s your name?”
The guy narrows his eyes and shoves his hands into his pockets. “James.”
Zach smirks, thinking over what he’s about to but deciding he may as well go for it, after all, he was looking for someone different to Chris in looks. “Wanna get out of here?”
James mouth falls opens, shock crossing his face. “What?”
“Well, you seem to think I’m a shallow douchebag, so I figured I’d prove you wrong.”
James blinks owlishly before slowly smiling. “Sure. Stay here, I need to go and tell my friends I’m leaving.”
Five minutes later and James returns, looking a little shocked that Zach is in fact waiting for him. Zach tilts his head, noting that while this guy is no where near as attractive as most guys he’s been with; he’s not completely unattractive considering his face is kind and open and he’s exactly what Zach is in the mood for.
When they’re back at his apartment, Zach has to admit it’s no where near the worst sex he’s ever had as the guy grunts and moans underneath him, sounding constantly in rapture as Zach thrusts into him hard and fast. When it’s over, Zach’s orgasm a little stronger than usual, James looks at him critically like he’s trying to see into his very soul.
“What was his name?” James asks, sounding a little breathless as he takes an offered cigarette.
Zach shakes his head. “What are you talking about?”
“Guys like you take guys like me home because they either hate themselves or want to make themselves feel better. Both situations are normally the result of a nasty break-up.”
Zach smiles bitterly, lighting his cigarette as he sits back against the headboard. “Maybe a little bit of both. You hate me, right?”
James smiles openly, and shakes his head. “You kidding? I just got fucked by Zachary Quinto. I couldn’t give a fuck what your reasons were. So, was it a serious thing?”
Zach smiles sadly, watching the cigarette burn between his fingers. “Yeah, in a way.”
“Did you love him?” James asks evenly.
“Yes,” Zach says immediately, his brain not even halting in its given response. Zach’s eyes widen over how simple it was to think and say out loud, like it’s a revelation. Zach immediately needs to change the subject. “So, what do you do?”
“I’m a therapist.”
Zach laughs. “Are you shitting me?”
“Nope. Bet I’ve got one of the highest IQs out of all your conquests.”
“You have,” Zach says, taking a long drag and blowing out. “Why were you such an asshole back to me at the bar?”
“You looked like you need some tough love. People probably don’t talk back to you much.”
Zach looks down at the comforter sadly. “My ex did.”
“It’ll get better, it always does,” James says, giving his thigh a pat before swinging his legs out of the bed and standing. Zach watches him get dressed, finding a small smile tugging at his lips. “Do you see a therapist?”
Zach smirks. “No, and I’m not looking for one.”
James smiles knowingly and gets out his wallet. “Well, if your self-loathing reaches new heights, give me a call and we can talk it out. Sometimes it helps.” He drops a business card on the nightstand and leans over, pressing his lips quickly to Zach’s.
“I’m not exactly good at talking about my feelings.”
James lets out an understanding nod. “Maybe you need someone to help you with that. Have a think.” James turns and leaves his room and apartment without another word.
Zach smiles, finding himself feeling a little better than he usually does after a guy leaves his place.
Four days later he stumbles across a secret stash of Oreos that Chris had clearly hidden from him. He eats the entire pack in one go and ends up bent over the toilet as he’s repeatedly sick into it. He calls James up and arranges an appointment.
…
Everyone told him it would take time and a lot of introspection before he found any kind of acceptance over it all.
It’s been four months and yet he still walks around his apartment with the ghost of Chris following him and an uncomfortable empty feeling in his stomach. He told Joe he didn’t understand why it still hurt; Chris wasn’t even with him that long in the grand scheme of things. Joe had just smiled sadly at him and told him with relationship’s it’s not just about length of time; it’s about how deeply you fall in love. Zach had laughed and told him to stop watching Grey’s Anatomy.
James turns out to be a very good therapist and Zach actually feels like he’s been the biggest help in getting him to accept what happened with Chris and how to deal with it in a productive way. There’s something freeing about talking to a relative stranger about his problems and he actually finds himself enjoying some of the sessions. It always ends with him walking away thinking about himself in a whole new way.
It’s late March when Joe walks into his office, ready to go out to lunch. Zach looks up from his work at his desk and smiles before catching a nervous, agitated look on his brother’s face.
Zach straightens. “What’s wrong?”
“You not heard?”
“Heard what?”
Joe rubs the back of his neck, his eyes looking everywhere but at Zach. “Chris got some acting job in an Off Broadway play and so he’s back in town for the foreseeable future.”
Zach tries to school his features into casual acceptance, but he knows he has only minimal success. “Good for him,” Zach says, looking back down to something he needs to sign. He scrawls his signature before realising he’s done it in the date box.
“You OK about this?” Joe asks.
“Why wouldn’t I be? I’m over it. Honestly.” Zach can’t remember the last time he outright lied knowingly to his brother’s face. Joe gives him a look like he didn’t buy it anyway. “We probably won’t even cross paths.”
“Yeah, you probably won’t.”
“OK, I think I’ve signed everything. Where did you wanna go for lunch?”
Joe is still looking at him with thinly veiled concern and it makes Zach sigh.
“I’m fine,” he insists.
“But, it’s OK if you’re not.”
“It’s been four months, I’m alright. I promise.”
Joe gives him a disbelieving look but drops it.
As they walk down the street, heading for a bistro Zach knows Joe likes, he can’t help but scan the people around them constantly, as if Chris is going to walk past them at any moment. He knows it’s ridiculous and irrational, but he can’t help it.
Zach smiles when he sees the bistro and turns to his brother. “This good?”
“Never been here, but sure,” Joe says with a shrug.
“What? This is your favourite lunch place.” Zach frowns.
“I’ve honestly never been here before,” Joe says, staring at him with worry before his face drops to shock, his eyes flicking to something over Zach’s right shoulder. Zach whirls around and sees Chris walking out of the bistro in black jeans and a white top, a thick cardigan around his body and a scarf tied around his neck.
“Zach,” Chris says in shock, coming to a stop in front of him. “Joe, hey man.” Chris goes in for an awkward hug with Joe as Zach stands there, his mind racing a mile a minute. Chris doesn’t try to hug him after he pulls back. Zach takes a long look at Chris, noting that his hair is more brown now, his skin a little tanned and his whole body slightly thinner, which makes his jaw line more pronounced. In his mind, he hoped Chris would have gotten fat and bald, not prettier, and looking at him makes his stomach flip over.
“How are you?” Zach asks, keeping his voice calm and collected.
“Yeah, not bad. Rehearsals have just started and I’m already exhausted. How are you? I looked up your autumn-winter menswear collection online, really amazing. A little dark, but each piece was beautiful.”
Zach forces a smile, trying to look grateful. “Yeah, thanks.”
“You didn’t need me after all,” Chris jokes with a nervous laugh.
Zach raises an eyebrow. His entire collection had been dark and depressing and it was only because certain dark styles were trends that his collection was hailed as a real success. If it was any other year, the collection would have been universally panned by fashion critics.
“Anyway, it’s my lunch break so I better head back to rehearsals. I hope I see you around. Maybe you’ll even come and see me in my play?” Chris asks, looking at Zach hopefully.
“Maybe,” Zach says neutrally.
Chris smiles at him before giving a nod at Joe and heading down the street. Zach exhales loudly as Joe pats his back comfortingly.
“That was good. First meeting following a break up is always the worst. Come on, let’s go eat somewhere else. This place is Chris’ favourite, not mine.”
Zach looks down to where his hand is clenched in a fist, the tension in his body not going anywhere as he falls into step with Joe.
…
It’s a fundraising fashion show for a charity Zach can’t even remember. He got tickets because they were using some of his clothes, and he knew there’d be a lot of important people at the event so he persuaded himself into getting dressed up and going.
Zach’s busy downing champagne when he glances across the room and his heart leaps suddenly as he sees Chris talking animatedly to another guy who’s thick set and very tall. Zach immediately puts connections together in his head, and before he knows it, he’s positive that the unknown man is Chris’ life partner, and they’re probably living together with two adopted children. He knows it’s ridiculous, but the surge of jealousy and annoyance that rushes through him makes him jump to stupid conclusions.
He downs the rest of his champagne, places it on an empty tray and makes a bee line through all the people moving around in their gowns and tuxes so he can reach Chris.
Chris turns and sees him coming, a smile gracing his face and making Zach want to drag him somewhere private.
“Hey,” Chris greets. Zach looks at him, noticing the smart, black, pin-striped pants and the embroidered black shirt as something from his recent menswear collection. In his mind, he’d put every single garment on Chris as he was designing them anyway, but seeing him in his outfit reaffirms his belief his clothes really would look outstandingly gorgeous on him.
“I’m surprised to see you here,” Zach comments lightly.
“A fashion show held to raise money for the homeless? Highlight of my social calendar,” Chris jokes. Zach’s gaze slides over to look at the guy next to him. “This is Jeff, he’s my co-star in the play I’m in.” Jeff gives him a smile but Zach suddenly gets the urge to smack it off his face. “This is Zachary Quinto.”
“Yeah, I know who you are. My wife has a dream of one day affording one of your dresses. She owns a scarf you designed but keeps it in its box so she doesn’t ruin it.” Zach smiles, no longer wanting to hurt the guy. “I’m going to go to the restroom; I’ll catch up with you in a bit, Chris.”
After he’s walked away, Chris turns and looks at him nervously, his confident grin gone.
“You look really good in my clothes,” Zach says, letting his hand fiddle with the bottom of Chris’ shirt like he can’t help himself.
“I didn’t know if you were going to be here. I wouldn’t have worn this stuff if I did.”
Zach smiles, dismissing his worry. “I’m more curious how you got the money for all of this.”
“I still know people in your office who know my size and like to send me clothes,” Chris says.
“What traitors,” Zach jokes, finding his whole body relaxed and a sense of easiness flowing through him. He hasn’t felt this calm in what feels like forever.
“I’ve been following you, you know.”
Zach frowns. “Like a stalker?”
Chris laughs, the sound sliding up Zach’s spine and making a smile tug at his own lips. “As in following your career, not like, walking the streets at night with night vision goggles.”
“You’d make a cute stalker,” Zach says flirtatiously. He mentally cringes when he hears himself.
“Well, if the acting gig fails me, at least I have a back up plan.”
They lull into silence, their eyes meeting for a split second before they both avert their gazes.
“How’s Noah?” Chris suddenly asks.
“He’s great. I’m thinking about getting a cat, actually. Keep him company on the days I stay late at work.”
Chris beams at him. “That’d be cute. Although, cats can be bitchy.”
“You’ve met Noah, right? That dog flounces around the apartment passive aggressively every time I get home.” Chris chuckles, the skin by his eyes crinkling. Zach seconds guesses what he’s about to do, but he goes for it any way. “You should stop by some time. I’m sure he misses you.”
Chris looks a little shy as he looks down at the floor. “I doubt he remembers me.”
“He does, trust me.”
Zach feels like he’s just made everything ten times more awkward and he looks around for someone he knows so he can get away from Chris as soon as possible, even though deep down, all he feels is a powerful tug toward him.
“Look, I know this is weird, but I’d really like it if you did come and see me in my play. My family won’t be there opening night, they’re coming a few nights later, and it’d be great to have someone I know in the audience, you know? You can bring someone if you, err, have someone in your life.”
Zach shakes his head. “You know me, I’m not Mr Relationship, and I’m not sure if it would be a good idea.”
“Oh, OK, well, I understand, I guess. If you change your mind, let me know. My cell number is the same. You could bring Joe or something?” Chris tries, looking hopeful and eager.
“I’ll think about it, honestly, I will.”
“If it helps, I’m half naked for a large part of it.”
Zach tilts his head from side to side with a considering look. “It does a little.” Chris smiles and Zach gets the overwhelming urge to kiss him. “OK, well, I’m going to go mingle, I’ll catch up with you in a bit.”
“Sure,” Chris says, nodding.
“I’ll see you later,” Zach says, giving Chris’ side a quick, playful smack, and walking away with relief.
He spends the next hour resolutely not gazing out across the crowd of people looking for brown hair and blue eyes as he desperately tries to focus on all the people that want to speak to him.
He’s relieved when he gets out onto the balcony so he can be alone and smoke. He’s acutely aware of what a risk Chris is now he’s back in New York and that it would be so easy for him to fall into his arms again, wallowing in the comfort of familiarity. Zach finds it a lot easier acknowledging his feelings this time, no longer scared of where they might lead, but he also reminds himself how messed up he was when Chris left and he seriously doubts getting into the same position again would help anything.
“Didn’t quit smoking, huh?” Zach turns around and sees Chris shutting the door out to the balcony closed and pushing his hands into his pockets at the chilly air. Zach is immediately struck by how good looking he is as he stares at Chris with his fluffy brown hair, impossibly blue eyes and gorgeous body, highlighted by the very well tailored clothes he’s wearing. It all makes his chest clench in longing.
Zach stares down at the cigarette. “Not a chance.”
Chris comes to stand next to him, looking out over the twinkling lights of the city as he gives a small shiver, the air visible when he breathes out.
“How was LA?” Zach asks.
“Hotter than I remembered, but it was great to spend some time with my sister.”
“How’d you get the acting gig?” Zach asks, making sure his tone is casual interest.
“Well, I heard there was an open audition for a play I’m interested in so I flew back out here a couple weeks ago just for the weekend. The audition went really well, but I didn’t get it at first, so I slept with the director and bam, I’m in a play.”
Zach turns to him in shock.
Chris looks at him seriously before bursting into laughter. “I’m kidding, jeez. While I was at home, I went to acting class like everyday and I really honed my skills so I went for this audition on the off chance and it seemed like I was exactly what they were looking for. I mean, it’s not a main role, I’m just playing a minor character, but having it on my resume will be awesome.”
Zach takes a long drag before smiling and bumping his shoulder against Chris’. “Proud of you.”
Chris grins at him, looking sincerely happy to hear those words. “Me too.”
“You back to sleeping on Sam’s couch?”
Chris shakes his head. “Nah, my parents are helping me with some rent on a studio apartment until I start earning more. It’s OK though, I still have money left over from some of the shoots I did.”
Zach smiles sympathetically. “Studio apartment, huh? I’ve been there.”
Chris chuckles and turns around, leaning back on balcony railings so he’s facing Zach. “So, does that mean in a year I should be in some million dollar penthouse apartment?”
“Keep that dream alive,” Zach jokes, looking down at his feet before lifting the cigarette to his mouth.
They dip into silence, which is both easy and uncomfortable at the same time.
“I’m sorry I just left,” Chris says quietly, his eyes fixed on the ground. “I don’t regret leaving, but I could have been less of a jerk and given you some notice.”
Zach chuckles to himself and shakes his head. “You know what’s funny? You apologising to me about leaving. If I had just told you how I felt, been a man about it, none of it would have happened. We could have spent the last four months together. But there’s no point in regrets, I guess. What’s done is done,” Zach says, surprised at how composed he is. There’s still a bitter, angry part of him that wants to shout at Chris for abandoning him without letting them talk it out first, but he knows it’s easier to accept what’s happened rather than constantly over-think it.
Chris nods sadly. “Yeah, I know, but I should have at least let you know or given it some time before just packing my bags and heading back to LA. Especially as my bags weren’t that heavy considering most of my stuff was at yours.”
Zach feels his cheeks burn for a moment. “I may or may not have destroyed some of them when I was angry.”
Chris just shrugs. “S’alright. They’re just clothes.”
“Hey, that’s my career you’re talking about,” Zach says and Chris throws his head back and laughs. It’s one of the few sounds in the world that Zach could hear for the rest of his life and never tire of. “I thought you’d come back you know. I thought maybe you’d only gone for a few days or a few weeks.”
Chris wraps his arms around his chest and lets out a shiver. Zach puts the tip of the cigarette between his lips and takes off his dinner jacket without a second’s hesitation and places it around Chris’ shoulders. Chris looks a little shocked at the considerate action but doesn’t say anything. “At first I thought maybe it would be, I had obligations back here, but I managed to get out of them and I just couldn’t return to the city. I actually wondered if you were going to come after me.”
Zach stubs out his cigarette on the ground with his foot and shakes his head, feeling his chest clench for a moment. “I did at first, not to LA, but I went to Sam’s apartment. I was already too late. I decided to wait for you to come back to New York.”
Chris laughs again, but this time it’s empty. “That worked out well for both of us.”
Zach shrugs. “Maybe it did. We both needed time and if I had come after you all the way to LA, I probably would have messed up again.”
Chris looks at him sadly, the blue eyes that have haunted Zach’s dreams for four months expressing so much that it makes him want to curl into a ball. He’s slightly angry at himself for feeling the exact same way about Chris as he did when they were together. He had hoped his feelings would fade and that he’d see Chris again and feel nothing, but as he stands there in the cold air, alone with Chris, he realises he’s just as in deep as he’s always been. Except this time, he finds it easier to admit to.
Chris looks at him with longing and it breaks his heart a little. “I should have waited. I knew the second I arrived in LA I should have stayed in New York for a good week, but my knee jerk reaction was to run home.”
“Who can blame you? I spent longer than usual in Pittsburgh letting my mom take care of me.” Zach swallows and looks down at the ground.
Chris looks like he’s about to ask about the ‘taking care of’ comment so Zach blurts out “You seeing anyone?” before he gets a chance. Zach doesn’t want to analyse his reasons for asking, it’s not like they’re going to suddenly start up where they left of, but he needs to know.
“No, you successfully ruined me for other men.” Chris smiles warmly at him, letting Zach know he’s teasing.
“Well, I am pretty fantastic in bed.”
“Except that time in the airplane bathroom on the way to Pittsburgh when I was in the most uncomfortable position ever and you just told me to get over it so you could fuck me and come.”
Zach laughs at the memory. Chris had moaned in annoyance throughout the entire thing as Zach tried to get off as quickly as possible in the tiny bathroom. He wasn’t surprised to find Chris hadn’t even gotten hard when he was done.
“Good times,” Zach mutters with a smile.
“For you maybe,” Chris jokes, pulling Zach’s jacket tighter around his frame. “I’m going to head inside because it’s freezing out here.”
Zach has barely noticed the temperature but nods anyway. “Sure, let’s go back inside.”
They walk back into the large event room and Zach notices a few people familiar with his history with Chris give them curious looks. Zach tries to ignore them as Chris pulls off his jacket and hands it back with a thankful smile.
“I guess I’ll catch you later,” Chris says quietly, a hint of hope in his tone.
Zach nods and watches Chris walk away from him. He grabs a glass of champagne and smiles around the rim as he takes a sip.
Part 8