Triggered
Thank you birdiebirdie I ♥ my Valentine. XOXO Nobody ever made me a Valentine cd before....Im so touched!
Saturday Im going to a pre-baptism party for my friend Kellys son. I wrote about her before when her son was born a few months ago prematurely. Hes doing GREAT. The baptism is on Sunday but Saturday shes having a party for him. But, its at a bar. Like a bar bar, not a restaurant with a bar in it. Its a neighborhood (dive) bar. Is this...odd? Its from 1-3 pm. So Im going alone I guess and Cul will stay home with the kids because theres no way our kids are going to be walking around some dirty ass bar. I dunno, I mean its early afternoon so I guess they are assuming Id bring the kids with me?
Hmmmm well, my Mom attacked me Saturday night, well actually it would be Sunday morning around 2am. What happened briefly....Around 2am I hear the phone ringing upstairs, if the phone is ringing at that time something must be wrong that someone is calling my parents house. So I go upstairs and listen to my mom on the speaker phone with the police. My Aunt Mary (crazy vicious sister of my mothers that she hasnt talked to in 7 years) was arrested and her 15 year old son Adam (my cousin. I wrote about my cousins a few months ago finding me on MySpace) needed to be picked up from the station or DCFS that was on the way would be getting him. In the background I whispered to ask where Angelina (his sister, my other cousin) was.....and shes been missing for 2 weeks the cops says. He also said that its obvious there are mental issues with Mary and asked my mom if she has a history. Duh, the Grzanecki sisters are all fucking nuts! Anyway...conversation goes on...the cop asking my Mom if she would pick up Adam, my Mother saying no, its not her problem. Cop saying that he really doesnt want to see Adam end up with DCFS, she continueing to tell him theres nothing she can do and doesnt want to get involved. Me...staring at the floor shaking my head. She gets off the phone...I run downstairs. Didnt say a word to her because sayiing my peace will get me nowhere with her, she loves to fight.
I just could not believe that shes in a position to help him and refused when he needed help most. Actually I could though. Tore me apart. Imagine how those kids feel, nobody to turn to. She comes down here charging at me like a bull wanting to start a fight. I wouldnt, I told her to leave me alone that I wasnt going to do this with her. That I didnt SAY anything, that I dont want to argue with her. She already knows how I feel, that its not right and that makes her even more angry. Im walking away from her and shes trying to corner me into a screaming match so she can scream about why she thinks shes right and I dont. She kept screaming at me....Youre a fucking bleeding heart....I wouldnt. But I did end up screaming at her to leave me the fuck alone already. Just leave me alone, Im not gonna argue with you! She wouldnt and it just got worse...
My Dad comes down in the morning seeing if Im okay. The same old story of hey..you know your Mothers crazy but what can we do? Ignore her he says, roll it off your back. Yeah Dad, and I do...doesnt mean it doesnt still fucking hurt like hell.
So Ive just been crying for days...for my cousins....for my Mom.
Yesterday Cul emailed me from work...Honey, Do you want to move? oxoxox Its in my thoughts, but not yet. We all knew before getting into this again that it could happen. I wanted to believe, try again. Her kind of crazy doesnt get better, it just stays hidden for short periods behind fake okay...waiting. So what am I waiting for? For the next time she snaps I guess...maybe to be strong enough to let go. Hopefully it wont be during the winter. This time I leave, it will be the end of my relationship with her.
Now is just the waiting period for it to blow over so that we can go back to pretending its going to be okay.