Quantum Leap - I'll Fight Hell To Hold You
Title: I’ll Fight Hell to Hold You
Author: Gena S. Durrell
Genre: Quantum Leap, Slash
Pairing: Al/Sam
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: This is a slash story. That means there is M/M sex involved. If such things offend you, or if you are underage, please read no further. Some profanity.
Spoilers: All through the series up to the last episode
Summary: Al leaps in hopes of being reunited with Sam (sequel to Wake Up Yesterday).
Author’s Notes: 4th story in the “Always” universe. I wrote most of my QL fanfic in 1st person. This one is in Sam’s POV.
DISCLAIMER: Sam Beckett, Al Calavicci and other Quantum Leap characters belong to Belisarius. No profit, no infringement. I'm just having some fun with them for the time being.
I’ll Fight Hell To Hold You
...In a world of doubt and danger
You see it everywhere
Your friends turn into strangers
Does anybody care?
But when all hope is lost
I'm gonna be there, whatever the cost
When you feel lost
Someone to hold you with all their might
Through the darkest night
I'll be there...*
The first thing I became aware of was the feeling of being out of control. It took just half of a second to realize that it had nothing to do with the leap-in. I was sitting behind the wheel of what apparently was a truck. Getting a better grip on the steering wheel, I gained control of the beast. Glancing out of the windshield as I did so, I knew this leap was off to a good start.
I could barely see the front of the truck, and I was expected to see the road? Yeah, right. Beyond the downpour, I had the feeling that whoever I leaped into was driving among miles and miles of miles and miles. As my rapidly beating heart started to calm a bit once I was sure I still had the truck on the road, I gained even more respect for Sam than I already had for him. How many times had he leaped into a person driving and settled right into it as if he was sitting there the entire time. Even when he leaped directly into the cockpit, he kept control of the plane, until he remembered he couldn't fly.
Well, nothing else to do but keep on driving until someone showed up, either Tom or Sam, whichever one appeared first. As I continued to drive the truck, straining my eyes to keep the truck on the road, I hoped the truck was going in the right direction which would take me to Sam.
Ten minutes later, I started to get concerned. Tom and I agreed that he would go into the Imaging Chamber as soon as they were able to fix a link on me. Enough time should have gone by, unless they were experiencing trouble. Maybe Tom couldn't contact me after all. It was a scary thought. Having Tom around would be useful, especially if between me in the leap, him and Ziggy, we could find Sam. There was another reason why I wanted Tom to be able o contact me. If it came down to it, I'd find Sam alone. It was also for Tom. He hadn't seen Sam in ten years. By the time Tom came back from his latest three-year overseas tour, and planned to visit his younger brother, Sam was already gone. That's when I made up my mind to bring Tom onto the Project and work with me. I wanted so much to have Tom reunited with Sam. I know Sam would be thrilled too, finally seeing for himself that his efforts in Vietnam had indeed bought his brother back from the jungles alive.
Twenty minutes into the leap, I nearly had a coronary as well as drive the truck off the road, letting out a scream. One minute there was nothing but road somewhere beyond the rain, the next, there was a man suddenly going through the windshield and me, letting out a scream himself.
Once I got control of the truck again, I yelled, "Tom! Are you trying to kill me? 'Cause if you are, you were almost successful."
Tom appeared next to me, his upper half at least, because he was standing through the passenger seat. "Sorry, Al. It scared the hell out of me, too. One minute I was getting sick to my stomach in the Imaging Chamber locking onto you and the next I'm on this road facing a truck coming right at me. For a moment I forgot I'm only a hologram. I thought I was going to get crushed for sure."
I smiled, taking pity on him, but understanding how Sam felt. There were times I would sneak up on him just to get a rise out of him, but there were also plenty of times I had no control over where or when I'd show up to Sam. "Just try not to pop in like that again," I warned him.
"No promises," Tom replied.
"Great," I muttered under my breath. "What have you got for me?"
"Nothing yet. We were working on establishing contact with you. Gooshie and Ziggy are working on it right now."
"I take it that we have a guest in the Waiting Room once again," I prompted him.
"Yes, we do."
"Anyone in there with him?"
"Verbena."
"Well..."
"Well, what?" Tom asked, completely clueless to my inquiry.
"Has she gotten any information on whoever I leaped into?"
"Oh! Well, let's see..." I glanced to the side, watching Tom enter the information in the handlink. It wasn't easy for him, and I could see his mind ticking away trying to remember the hastily taught codes. Once he painstakingly completed his task, he started to fight with the handlink to obtain the information requested. I shook my head in amusement. At first I wondered if it was only me, but then when it was Sam's turn to use the handlink, he kept hitting it the same way. Now I watched Tom continue with the tradition. We were able to send somebody back in time without getting swiss-cheesed, but we still couldn't correct the handlinks. I decided to give it up, determining it wasn't the handlink designs, but Ziggy himself.
"Your name is Hank Webber," Tom at last started to supply. "Thirty-seven years old and you're a...what?!?" Tom really started to smack the handlink. "Yeah, right, Ziggy. Typo my ass. That's better." He shook his head. "Trucker," he finally finished.
I knew I was not going to ask Tom just what the typo was. "I kinda got the feeling about the last one," I said.
"Come on, Al. Cut me some slack here. I'm just relaying what they're giving me."
"Sure, Tom."
After earning a glare from him, Tom helpfully supplied, "You're in Wyoming."
"That's something."
"It's March 14, 1979."
"Ah, a place and a time," I remarked sarcastically, reaching out to wipe away the condensation on the windshield with my hand. "That's a start. Hey, Ziggy wouldn't be able to tell you how far the next town is, would she?"
"She says to just keep going in this direction and eventually you'll find a town."
"Oh great," I muttered. "I'd rather not drive in this if I could help it."
"Would you stop if you came across a town?" Tom asked, his tone strange.
I dared a glance at him. "I don't know. It depends on whether you could tell me if Sam would be in the town or not." I went back to concentrating on keeping the behemoth on the road.
"Ziggy says he's out there somewhere, but she can't get a definite fix on him. All she says is to just keep driving."
"Easier said than done," I grumbled, still struggling in what seemed like a losing battle in keeping the truck on the road.
"Damn it!" Tom swore, slapping the handlink. It squealed in protest, which prompted Tom to hit it again, causing more squeals.
"What?" I asked him.
"The reason why you are here," came his reply, anguish evident in his voice. "Shit! Ziggy finally came up with a scenario."
"Tom tell me. Does it have to do with Sam?"
"Yeah, it has to do with Sam. Ziggy is predicting that tomorrow a body will be found not far off the road about twenty miles from here and will be identified as Sam Beckett. Which could cause quit a stir, since we all know that Sam was alive in 1979. Let me see, what was Sam up to right now?"
"Working at the Cape as a tech on the shuttle program during the day and going for his fourth degree by night."
I heard Tom let out a sigh.
"What's wrong, Tom?"
"Just that I seemed to be so busy with my own life that I didn't even know what my brother was doing at the time."
"Don’t start again, Tom. Have I ever told you that Sam mentioned the same thing a couple of times, feeling guilty that his studies and career would take him out of contact with his family. Is this a Beckett trait, or what?"
"Guess so," Tom admitted ruefully. "At least for male Becketts."
"Did it ever occur to you that most of the time you didn't know what Sam was up to was because he was buried under more top secret than you with your SEALS missions were? Your brother was a scientist doing research of extremely sensitive natures even before this project."
"No, but I guess it should have."
"Okay. Now no more guilt trips and let's concentrate on preventing this mystery from happening."
"You're right, Al."
"Good. Twenty miles up, huh? What is he going to die from?"
"The elements. He was obviously in the middle of this wasteland in this rain. Either he couldn't continue on any longer or some animal or something got a bid in on him."
"Tom... When is this supposed to happen? I mean, I..." I peered out the windshield, attempting to speed it up a bit more, losing the calm I managed to maintain upon hearing Ziggy's prediction. "I hope whatever will do him in didn't happen already."
"No, it didn't. So far, this is all based on prediction, not facts. Well, not exactly a prediction. More like a paradox or a time loop."
"In other words, history hasn't changed yet but would if the loop is completed. Until then if remains in a realm of possibility and it's up to us not to let that happen, or let it become this realm."
"Uh, yeah. Right. Boy, am I glad you explained that one to me. They're just feeding me terms over there, getting a rise out of knowing I don't understand them completely."
"Yeah, well. Thank goodness it's only a paradox," I sighed. "So our changes are good?"
"Ziggy also believes that Sam will be alive when this truck passes him. Based on Webber's character history, if the real thing was here, he would have driven right past Sam because he's pretty far behind schedule due to the weather and being forced to take a detour off a major highway. From what Verbena is supplying, Hank's no good Samaritan. He's only interest in what he could gain from it. Saving a life is not going to pay Hank's bills and that's his priorities."
"That and a full-sized meal five times a day at the least," I grumbled, since I had an idea of Hank's size by the bloated face and double chin not even a beard could hide which stared back at me in the side view mirror. I felt disgusted. I had to admit there was plenty of boyscout in me. I always felt there was nothing more important than saving a life. And that was for a total stranger. When the life in question was Sam's... "But I'm going to stop," I said, feeling relieved.
"Right. Look, Al, let me go back and see what else is up. I'll be back shortly."
"Okay, Tom. See you later."
Tom did come back, and stayed to help me seek out Sam, but it was me who spotted him. So we don't put Sam in a stated of shock, we decided to take things one step at a time. First, once I was assured he was all right, I'd let him know just who his rescuer was, then after I prepared him, Tom would come into the picture. As I bought the truck to a screeching halt, Tom caught a glimpse of his long lost brother, then forced himself to leave the Imaging Chamber, while I attended to Sam. God, all I wanted to do was cry as I finally saw the face of my best friend who others started to tell me I'd never see again. There he was, wet, dripping, shivering and looking do damn beautiful to my eyes. How I didn't gather him up in my arms to never let go of him, I'd never know. Along with the joy of finding Sam again, there was a sadness. He had a haunted look in his eyes. Then again, you don't expect someone to have sparkling eyes while wandering around in a monsoon like this. I hoped that was all.
*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
...Ooh, the jealous and the lonely
They try to keep us apart
But let 'em come between us
That's when the trouble starts
Cause there's one thing I know
I'll be beside you wherever you go
You can be sure
Someone to carry you into the light
Swear with all my might
I'll be there...
I left Sam in the gift shop while I went to the favorite meeting place of Leapers and Holograms. Sam and I appeared to have started some traditions in our original roles that started to be carried out by a new Leaper and Observer.
Walking to the men's room, I felt my heart fill with a heaviness I didn't think possible upon finally finding Sam. He had changed and the changes bothered me.
I was so into my own thoughts that I didn't notice Tom until I walked through him. I jumped back, managing not to scream. "Will you stop that!" I snapped at him, putting my hand to my heart.
"Boy, we're in a good mood, aren't we?" Tom returned, noticing it was more than just his sudden appearance which bothered me. "Come on, Al. We've got Sam back. How bad can it be? Unless...he's not ill, is he?"
"No. He's going to be fine. I got him out of the rain and into dry clothes and a warm place in time. He kept on shivering for a while, but in the last half hour he stopped." I finally got a full look of Hank in the bathroom's mirror. I already had an idea that Hank wasn't on the slim side, but... "Geez, the old boy gets any larger and he's not going to be able to fit behind the wheel." Who in the hell would be interested in Hank, especially upon first meeting him and expecting nothing more than a one night stand? The answer to the question filled my heart with a heaviness which almost became a very real physical pain.
"God, I can't believe that my little brother is here," Tom happily exclaimed, oblivious to my thoughts. "Al, he looked so damn good to look at. Especially after the extra time I didn't see him before he leaped."
I had to start smiling looking at Tom's sparkling eyes and grinning face. He was bouncing up and down with excitement. I studied the older brother of my partner of over twenty years. Navy Admiral, yet his favorite clothing were baggy sweatshirts, worn jeans and sneakers. At least he didn't wear his jeans as tight as Sam preferred, but whenever Tom actually wore a shirt, and at times trousers, it was a rarer occasion than seeing Sam come to work in them. Tom, like Sam, still appeared younger than his years and bursting with youthful energy. Both Beckett brothers seemed to have gone the opposite path of their Dad's.
"Yeah, it's good to see Sam again, especially since too many people back at home insisted that we never would."
"You never gave up on him," Tom stated, his tone soft.
"I couldn't. To give up on Sam would mean to give up on myself. And Sam would never have forgiven me for that."
"Another one of those other timelines?" Tom inquired.
I nodded. "Most of them. All of them, in fact, until Sam decided to sacrifice himself to get Beth back for me."
"Oh," was his only reply. Tom was the only person left at the Project that I trusted enough to tell him about some of the other timelines. "What's wrong, Al?" Tom asked, peering at me.
"Nothing," I sighed. "I don't know. He's different somehow."
"You expect him to be the same after all this? And my brother has been on his own in leaping for the last couple of years." Tom gave me a strange smile. "Besides, think of the implications behind why he did what he did the last time you saw him. He's probably been going through the same thing you were, only he had to deal with leaping as well, and he didn't have a wife, family, friends and a home to make sure he's okay. You were lucky, AL.. You had Beth, the girls and all of us. What did Sam have for this time? The only thing Sam ever had since he started to leap was you. You were more than his friend. You were his home."
"I know," I stated, starting to wring my hands very much like Sam used to do, which had become my custom since he disappeared. "It's different knowing that and seeing the changes. Tom, you knew your brother enough to know him as he was. Innocent, naive. Big adventure for Sam was through reading, movies or computer games. Not...this. I've watched the changes in him as the years went on. Sometimes it still hurt. Not all of it was bad, but while your brother always did have a dark side to him, I started to see more of it. I was innocence struggle to remain. Now...I haven't seen him in two years and in some ways I don't know Sam any more."
"Then I suggest you start getting to know him again," was Tom's reply.
"I...I don't know if I can." I glanced up and saw Tom's face. "Don't get me wrong, Tom. I want to, but..."
"You'll do it."
I let out a sigh. "Yeah. I don't have a choice."
"No, you don't. And that's the only answer you'll allow yourself."
I nodded, knowing in my heart Tom was right.
"Good. Anything else?"
"No," I stated, feeling a renewed spirit after Tom pointed out what was inside me. "I can handle it from here. Tom, do me a favor. I can do this, but I'd rather you not be around, not until I find some things out. I...I don't want you to see Sam as I'm seeing him right now. Please. Just stay away for a little while. This is for your own good as well as for Sam."
Tom studied my face. "Always the protector. Now you have two of us. Who's going to protect you?"
"I've had help," I replied. "This is something I have to do alone. But I won't be alone, won't I? Because I've got Sam back."
Tom's smile reached his eyes and lit up the room. "Okay, AL. You've got your time."
"Thanks, Tom. I'll see you on the leap out?"
"If Ziggy cooperates."
I forced a smile at that. "Have fun with her. She's all yours for a while."
Tom let out a snort. "Yeah, right. I'll see you later, Al."
When I left the men's room, I found Sam selecting clothes - really selecting clothes. He was tossed between hats. Well, hats were the one thing Sam didn't just lift off the rack in his size. And he did take the time to try on jeans, because he hated his jeans to be baggy. Which was most probably why the first chance he had, he was picking out new clothes. Sam appeared to be swimming in Hank's clothes. What surprised me was his decision to get a pair of boots in another color than the pair he held to match his hat.
The next shock was when Sam wanted me to buy him a pack of cigarettes and at my hesitation, offered to get cigars instead. I guess my reaction was a little strong. Confused the hell out of him, but not enough to not have a good time while we ate our meal. Even if he did take a smoke break during it.
I still maintained my distance, making sure there was no physical contact between us. I needed to see just how far Sam would take it before he backed out.
I felt more assured as I realized that we had fallen into easy conversation and enjoyed each other's company in the manner of two long time friends, not the impersonal manner of prospective lovers for a few hours. It gave me hope. Sam opened up to me like I have never known him to do to strangers, especially of the kind I was to him. From the first day I met Sam, while he was on the innocent side, he did not trust openly. He had some scars from blows life had dealt him shortly after we met. It was then that he knew he had someone who would become a lifelong friend who could be trusted. He might be swiss-cheesed on the early memories of our friendship, but I could see that he was starting to realize that something more was happening between himself and Hank than just a once night encounter. That made me feel good.
The moment of truth had arrived. I found I wasn't ready to face the truth yet, so I suggested to Sam to take a hot bath. It was something he needed, yet it gave me some extra time. At last it was my turn to leave the bathroom, in attire making it obvious to Sam what was going to happen next. When he still made it apparent that he was going to follow through, I stopped him, desperately needing to know why. What was Sam's answer surprised me - pleasantly surprised me. He wanted the person inside, not the person he saw. Who Sam wanted was me, but he still didn't know the person inside was the best friend who I'm sure he had given up ever seeing again.
Well, since we had not touched yet, I decided to go all the way with the surprise. It was after our first kiss that Sam discovered he was kissing his best friend of over twenty years. It didn't leave us much choice of where to take it from there, since we had already poured our souls out as a result. Really cut to the chase, avoiding all the complications which would most probably have taken us almost forever to cut through. I knew I loved Sam, but when I leaped I was still at a loss how I was going to approached the subject, since while I was sure Sam also loved me, I didn't think he'd be able to easily admit to something which I'm sure we both believed I never would consider.
Our lovemaking was rough, desperate and passionate, yet I never felt anything so sweet in my life as holding Sam in my arms, kissing him, making love with him. We somehow managed to savor the time to remember forever, a night to look back on. Afterwards, Sam broke down in my arms. At first it scared the hell out of me until I realized it was a release which had been held in for too many long years. Sam seemed stronger once the tears subsided. Whatever he had lost throughout the years he had back. He was ready to continue on, to right wrongs with a vengeance again. I had back something that Sam's leaping had caused me to lose. Sam. I vowed I'd never lose him again. I couldn't survive losing him again. From the possessive way Sam held onto me as we snuggled down to kiss, and the fire in the kisses, he never intended to give me up either.
Tom showed up in the middle of the night. I quietly slipped out of the bed and met Tom's smiling face in the bathroom.
"I see you've worked things out between the two of you," he commented, his gray eyes sparkling.
"Yeah," I replied smiling back, my mind once again hearing Sam's answer to my question of why. "I got to admit that I'm still a little worried about Sam, but a least it worked out to both our advantages."
"He'll be okay, Al," Tom assured me.
"Ziggy says that?"
Tom waved the handlink before me. "This? No, not Ziggy. Anyone with two eyes and a heart can know that."
"Thanks, Tom."
Tom looked surprised. "For what?" There were tears starting to glisten in his eyes. "It should be me thanking you. Because of you, we're back in touch with Sam, he's going to be just fine now. Al," Tom started, suddenly uneasy.
"What's wrong?" I inquired.
"Do you know just how much you might have sacrificed for this?"
"I guess you mean that Ziggy thinks I'm going to remain leaping now," I stated with a smile.
"You knew," Tom whispered.
"I considered that as one of my possibilities. Does it really matter? Truth is, if we can't bring Sam home yet, then I want to be with him. This is my home, Tom, and I'm going to make every leap home for Sam now that I'm with him. Where or when we are doesn't matter; what does is that we're together."
"You're amazing. I'm glad my brother became your friend. You know you'll always be a part of our family."
Words were not necessary as we shared a look. I broke the contact by directing my eyes to the closed door and the man who slept peacefully, most probably the first night in a long time, beyond it. Tom smiled and poked his head through the door. It totally unnerved me. Everyone knows how I am about the dead, and the possibility that they could come back in ghost form spooks me even more. That's exactly what Tom reminded me of as he gazed at his younger brother, who was still destined to live the life chosen for him years ago, but no longer MIA, and no longer alone in his missions.
I suddenly understood why when I would do the same thing, Sam would get unnerved. Then something hit that never had before. I started to wonder if Sam was more spooked by the supernatural than he lead us all to believe. Good old Sam: shy, innocent, naive and somehow a master at the art of deception. As the years of our friendship went on, I discovered he wasn't as bad as he played himself to be, but as far as the public went, they didn't need to know that. It worked to our advantage, much like the good cop, bad cop routine. It most certainly was our ace in obtaining funding and continuing it for a while.
"Tom, I know you can't help but gaze at your once missing brother, but you're giving me the heebie-jeebies here. Either go all the way out there, or come back in here and fill me in on the leap."
Tom's head appeared and once again he was whole as he stepped away from the door - for a moment, because he ended up standing in the toilet.
"Tom," I hissed.
Tom chuckled and relocated himself in an open space, in what little there was in the tiny bathroom. "You were here to help Sam. This leap was for him."
"And for me," I added.
"In a way, that's true too. You see, Whoever or Whatever is controlling this decided to drop Sam here as a meeting point for you both. I guess It has a wicked sense of humor or an unending need to put Leapers through tests, which is the reason for the rain and Sam's life being put in jeopardy." At my glare, Tom shrugged. "Hell, that's the best any of us over here, including Ziggy, can come up with."
"So?"
"So? Because it was for the two of you, after you saved Sam's life, no one leaped to give you both the time you needed. Ziggy says you're both going to leap very soon. Together. Whoever now has two Leapers to do the job and once again a team working together from both sides. You're going to be leaping for a long time, Al. For some reason, despite all the work put into it, Ziggy is predicting the retrieval program won't work. We're gonna try it anyway, but..."
"I understand, Tom," I assured him, accepting my new role of Leaper, of undoing wrongs, making the future better for whoever lives I enter. There's nothing wrong with giving second chances. I was given a second chance twice.
Funny, what I needed to have for so many years after returning from Vietnam, when I finally got a second chance at it, all I could do was mourn over the loss of what originally had been given to me to make me forget my misery and get on with my life. Sam. I didn't need Beth. I no longer loved Beth as I once had, and I most certainly have never loved Beth as much as I loved Sam. Thankfully I was given a second chance with Sam, and he with me. Once a long time ago, I sacrificed my own freedom to give Sam a second chance in having his brother back in his life. It gave Tom a chance to live beyond twenty-four years old. It gave me and Sam a chance to finally be together and yet have a trusted person as the lifeline on the other end. I gazed up at Tom.
"Al, I'm in on this for however long. I'll be here for both you and Sam."
I felt the tears start. I didn't try to stop them. I stood tall and proud, my eyes meeting Tom's. "Thanks. I'm glad Sam has you as a brother. I'm glad you were one of the lucky ones to leave Vietnam in one piece, and I consider myself honored that I can call you my friend. Even more, both Sam and I thank you, for not only your understanding, but your faith in us."
"Ah, hell, Al. How can I see anything wrong with a love which kept Sam together through everything he has gone through and eventually bought my brother back to me. He's going to be part of my life again and I'm finally able to be part of his, all because of your love. Besides," he shrugged, "what are brother-in-laws for anyway?"
I think I really lost it then. Through shared tears, Tom and I agreed to allow Sam to sleep. During the next leap, I would prepare him for the new Observer and reunite the two brothers. Tom said goodnight and wished me pleasant dreams. Except dreams can never be as good as the reality of having Sam back.
After Tom left, I padded back into the room and gently climbed into the bed. Without waking, Sam pulled me into his arms and gently kissed my lips, completing the act with a contended sigh. I snuggled down into the delicious warmth and reality of Sam's body against mine. I locked my arms around Sam as securely as he embraced me. Resting my head on his chest, I started to drift off to the beating of his heart.
I knew we were going to leap before the morning came. I wasn't worried about our next stop, as long as it was our stop. I wasn't going to worry about the next mission. The only thing which concerned me was that at last Sam and I were reunited. And together in a way which should have been a long, long time ago.
I'll fight hell itself to always hold Sam.
...I'll fight hell to hold you
No river too deep or mountain high
I'll fight hell to hold you
Be by my side
I'm gonna fight hell to hold you
As time stands still and worlds collide
I'll fight hell to hold you
By my side.*
*I'LL FIGHT HELL TO HOLD YOU
1987 Paul Stanley Ltd. (ASCAP)
Largo Cargo Music (BMI)
The KISS Company (ASCAP)
Author: Gena S. Durrell
Genre: Quantum Leap, Slash
Pairing: Al/Sam
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: This is a slash story. That means there is M/M sex involved. If such things offend you, or if you are underage, please read no further. Some profanity.
Spoilers: All through the series up to the last episode
Summary: Al leaps in hopes of being reunited with Sam (sequel to Wake Up Yesterday).
Author’s Notes: 4th story in the “Always” universe. I wrote most of my QL fanfic in 1st person. This one is in Sam’s POV.
DISCLAIMER: Sam Beckett, Al Calavicci and other Quantum Leap characters belong to Belisarius. No profit, no infringement. I'm just having some fun with them for the time being.
I’ll Fight Hell To Hold You
...In a world of doubt and danger
You see it everywhere
Your friends turn into strangers
Does anybody care?
But when all hope is lost
I'm gonna be there, whatever the cost
When you feel lost
Someone to hold you with all their might
Through the darkest night
I'll be there...*
The first thing I became aware of was the feeling of being out of control. It took just half of a second to realize that it had nothing to do with the leap-in. I was sitting behind the wheel of what apparently was a truck. Getting a better grip on the steering wheel, I gained control of the beast. Glancing out of the windshield as I did so, I knew this leap was off to a good start.
I could barely see the front of the truck, and I was expected to see the road? Yeah, right. Beyond the downpour, I had the feeling that whoever I leaped into was driving among miles and miles of miles and miles. As my rapidly beating heart started to calm a bit once I was sure I still had the truck on the road, I gained even more respect for Sam than I already had for him. How many times had he leaped into a person driving and settled right into it as if he was sitting there the entire time. Even when he leaped directly into the cockpit, he kept control of the plane, until he remembered he couldn't fly.
Well, nothing else to do but keep on driving until someone showed up, either Tom or Sam, whichever one appeared first. As I continued to drive the truck, straining my eyes to keep the truck on the road, I hoped the truck was going in the right direction which would take me to Sam.
Ten minutes later, I started to get concerned. Tom and I agreed that he would go into the Imaging Chamber as soon as they were able to fix a link on me. Enough time should have gone by, unless they were experiencing trouble. Maybe Tom couldn't contact me after all. It was a scary thought. Having Tom around would be useful, especially if between me in the leap, him and Ziggy, we could find Sam. There was another reason why I wanted Tom to be able o contact me. If it came down to it, I'd find Sam alone. It was also for Tom. He hadn't seen Sam in ten years. By the time Tom came back from his latest three-year overseas tour, and planned to visit his younger brother, Sam was already gone. That's when I made up my mind to bring Tom onto the Project and work with me. I wanted so much to have Tom reunited with Sam. I know Sam would be thrilled too, finally seeing for himself that his efforts in Vietnam had indeed bought his brother back from the jungles alive.
Twenty minutes into the leap, I nearly had a coronary as well as drive the truck off the road, letting out a scream. One minute there was nothing but road somewhere beyond the rain, the next, there was a man suddenly going through the windshield and me, letting out a scream himself.
Once I got control of the truck again, I yelled, "Tom! Are you trying to kill me? 'Cause if you are, you were almost successful."
Tom appeared next to me, his upper half at least, because he was standing through the passenger seat. "Sorry, Al. It scared the hell out of me, too. One minute I was getting sick to my stomach in the Imaging Chamber locking onto you and the next I'm on this road facing a truck coming right at me. For a moment I forgot I'm only a hologram. I thought I was going to get crushed for sure."
I smiled, taking pity on him, but understanding how Sam felt. There were times I would sneak up on him just to get a rise out of him, but there were also plenty of times I had no control over where or when I'd show up to Sam. "Just try not to pop in like that again," I warned him.
"No promises," Tom replied.
"Great," I muttered under my breath. "What have you got for me?"
"Nothing yet. We were working on establishing contact with you. Gooshie and Ziggy are working on it right now."
"I take it that we have a guest in the Waiting Room once again," I prompted him.
"Yes, we do."
"Anyone in there with him?"
"Verbena."
"Well..."
"Well, what?" Tom asked, completely clueless to my inquiry.
"Has she gotten any information on whoever I leaped into?"
"Oh! Well, let's see..." I glanced to the side, watching Tom enter the information in the handlink. It wasn't easy for him, and I could see his mind ticking away trying to remember the hastily taught codes. Once he painstakingly completed his task, he started to fight with the handlink to obtain the information requested. I shook my head in amusement. At first I wondered if it was only me, but then when it was Sam's turn to use the handlink, he kept hitting it the same way. Now I watched Tom continue with the tradition. We were able to send somebody back in time without getting swiss-cheesed, but we still couldn't correct the handlinks. I decided to give it up, determining it wasn't the handlink designs, but Ziggy himself.
"Your name is Hank Webber," Tom at last started to supply. "Thirty-seven years old and you're a...what?!?" Tom really started to smack the handlink. "Yeah, right, Ziggy. Typo my ass. That's better." He shook his head. "Trucker," he finally finished.
I knew I was not going to ask Tom just what the typo was. "I kinda got the feeling about the last one," I said.
"Come on, Al. Cut me some slack here. I'm just relaying what they're giving me."
"Sure, Tom."
After earning a glare from him, Tom helpfully supplied, "You're in Wyoming."
"That's something."
"It's March 14, 1979."
"Ah, a place and a time," I remarked sarcastically, reaching out to wipe away the condensation on the windshield with my hand. "That's a start. Hey, Ziggy wouldn't be able to tell you how far the next town is, would she?"
"She says to just keep going in this direction and eventually you'll find a town."
"Oh great," I muttered. "I'd rather not drive in this if I could help it."
"Would you stop if you came across a town?" Tom asked, his tone strange.
I dared a glance at him. "I don't know. It depends on whether you could tell me if Sam would be in the town or not." I went back to concentrating on keeping the behemoth on the road.
"Ziggy says he's out there somewhere, but she can't get a definite fix on him. All she says is to just keep driving."
"Easier said than done," I grumbled, still struggling in what seemed like a losing battle in keeping the truck on the road.
"Damn it!" Tom swore, slapping the handlink. It squealed in protest, which prompted Tom to hit it again, causing more squeals.
"What?" I asked him.
"The reason why you are here," came his reply, anguish evident in his voice. "Shit! Ziggy finally came up with a scenario."
"Tom tell me. Does it have to do with Sam?"
"Yeah, it has to do with Sam. Ziggy is predicting that tomorrow a body will be found not far off the road about twenty miles from here and will be identified as Sam Beckett. Which could cause quit a stir, since we all know that Sam was alive in 1979. Let me see, what was Sam up to right now?"
"Working at the Cape as a tech on the shuttle program during the day and going for his fourth degree by night."
I heard Tom let out a sigh.
"What's wrong, Tom?"
"Just that I seemed to be so busy with my own life that I didn't even know what my brother was doing at the time."
"Don’t start again, Tom. Have I ever told you that Sam mentioned the same thing a couple of times, feeling guilty that his studies and career would take him out of contact with his family. Is this a Beckett trait, or what?"
"Guess so," Tom admitted ruefully. "At least for male Becketts."
"Did it ever occur to you that most of the time you didn't know what Sam was up to was because he was buried under more top secret than you with your SEALS missions were? Your brother was a scientist doing research of extremely sensitive natures even before this project."
"No, but I guess it should have."
"Okay. Now no more guilt trips and let's concentrate on preventing this mystery from happening."
"You're right, Al."
"Good. Twenty miles up, huh? What is he going to die from?"
"The elements. He was obviously in the middle of this wasteland in this rain. Either he couldn't continue on any longer or some animal or something got a bid in on him."
"Tom... When is this supposed to happen? I mean, I..." I peered out the windshield, attempting to speed it up a bit more, losing the calm I managed to maintain upon hearing Ziggy's prediction. "I hope whatever will do him in didn't happen already."
"No, it didn't. So far, this is all based on prediction, not facts. Well, not exactly a prediction. More like a paradox or a time loop."
"In other words, history hasn't changed yet but would if the loop is completed. Until then if remains in a realm of possibility and it's up to us not to let that happen, or let it become this realm."
"Uh, yeah. Right. Boy, am I glad you explained that one to me. They're just feeding me terms over there, getting a rise out of knowing I don't understand them completely."
"Yeah, well. Thank goodness it's only a paradox," I sighed. "So our changes are good?"
"Ziggy also believes that Sam will be alive when this truck passes him. Based on Webber's character history, if the real thing was here, he would have driven right past Sam because he's pretty far behind schedule due to the weather and being forced to take a detour off a major highway. From what Verbena is supplying, Hank's no good Samaritan. He's only interest in what he could gain from it. Saving a life is not going to pay Hank's bills and that's his priorities."
"That and a full-sized meal five times a day at the least," I grumbled, since I had an idea of Hank's size by the bloated face and double chin not even a beard could hide which stared back at me in the side view mirror. I felt disgusted. I had to admit there was plenty of boyscout in me. I always felt there was nothing more important than saving a life. And that was for a total stranger. When the life in question was Sam's... "But I'm going to stop," I said, feeling relieved.
"Right. Look, Al, let me go back and see what else is up. I'll be back shortly."
"Okay, Tom. See you later."
Tom did come back, and stayed to help me seek out Sam, but it was me who spotted him. So we don't put Sam in a stated of shock, we decided to take things one step at a time. First, once I was assured he was all right, I'd let him know just who his rescuer was, then after I prepared him, Tom would come into the picture. As I bought the truck to a screeching halt, Tom caught a glimpse of his long lost brother, then forced himself to leave the Imaging Chamber, while I attended to Sam. God, all I wanted to do was cry as I finally saw the face of my best friend who others started to tell me I'd never see again. There he was, wet, dripping, shivering and looking do damn beautiful to my eyes. How I didn't gather him up in my arms to never let go of him, I'd never know. Along with the joy of finding Sam again, there was a sadness. He had a haunted look in his eyes. Then again, you don't expect someone to have sparkling eyes while wandering around in a monsoon like this. I hoped that was all.
*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
...Ooh, the jealous and the lonely
They try to keep us apart
But let 'em come between us
That's when the trouble starts
Cause there's one thing I know
I'll be beside you wherever you go
You can be sure
Someone to carry you into the light
Swear with all my might
I'll be there...
I left Sam in the gift shop while I went to the favorite meeting place of Leapers and Holograms. Sam and I appeared to have started some traditions in our original roles that started to be carried out by a new Leaper and Observer.
Walking to the men's room, I felt my heart fill with a heaviness I didn't think possible upon finally finding Sam. He had changed and the changes bothered me.
I was so into my own thoughts that I didn't notice Tom until I walked through him. I jumped back, managing not to scream. "Will you stop that!" I snapped at him, putting my hand to my heart.
"Boy, we're in a good mood, aren't we?" Tom returned, noticing it was more than just his sudden appearance which bothered me. "Come on, Al. We've got Sam back. How bad can it be? Unless...he's not ill, is he?"
"No. He's going to be fine. I got him out of the rain and into dry clothes and a warm place in time. He kept on shivering for a while, but in the last half hour he stopped." I finally got a full look of Hank in the bathroom's mirror. I already had an idea that Hank wasn't on the slim side, but... "Geez, the old boy gets any larger and he's not going to be able to fit behind the wheel." Who in the hell would be interested in Hank, especially upon first meeting him and expecting nothing more than a one night stand? The answer to the question filled my heart with a heaviness which almost became a very real physical pain.
"God, I can't believe that my little brother is here," Tom happily exclaimed, oblivious to my thoughts. "Al, he looked so damn good to look at. Especially after the extra time I didn't see him before he leaped."
I had to start smiling looking at Tom's sparkling eyes and grinning face. He was bouncing up and down with excitement. I studied the older brother of my partner of over twenty years. Navy Admiral, yet his favorite clothing were baggy sweatshirts, worn jeans and sneakers. At least he didn't wear his jeans as tight as Sam preferred, but whenever Tom actually wore a shirt, and at times trousers, it was a rarer occasion than seeing Sam come to work in them. Tom, like Sam, still appeared younger than his years and bursting with youthful energy. Both Beckett brothers seemed to have gone the opposite path of their Dad's.
"Yeah, it's good to see Sam again, especially since too many people back at home insisted that we never would."
"You never gave up on him," Tom stated, his tone soft.
"I couldn't. To give up on Sam would mean to give up on myself. And Sam would never have forgiven me for that."
"Another one of those other timelines?" Tom inquired.
I nodded. "Most of them. All of them, in fact, until Sam decided to sacrifice himself to get Beth back for me."
"Oh," was his only reply. Tom was the only person left at the Project that I trusted enough to tell him about some of the other timelines. "What's wrong, Al?" Tom asked, peering at me.
"Nothing," I sighed. "I don't know. He's different somehow."
"You expect him to be the same after all this? And my brother has been on his own in leaping for the last couple of years." Tom gave me a strange smile. "Besides, think of the implications behind why he did what he did the last time you saw him. He's probably been going through the same thing you were, only he had to deal with leaping as well, and he didn't have a wife, family, friends and a home to make sure he's okay. You were lucky, AL.. You had Beth, the girls and all of us. What did Sam have for this time? The only thing Sam ever had since he started to leap was you. You were more than his friend. You were his home."
"I know," I stated, starting to wring my hands very much like Sam used to do, which had become my custom since he disappeared. "It's different knowing that and seeing the changes. Tom, you knew your brother enough to know him as he was. Innocent, naive. Big adventure for Sam was through reading, movies or computer games. Not...this. I've watched the changes in him as the years went on. Sometimes it still hurt. Not all of it was bad, but while your brother always did have a dark side to him, I started to see more of it. I was innocence struggle to remain. Now...I haven't seen him in two years and in some ways I don't know Sam any more."
"Then I suggest you start getting to know him again," was Tom's reply.
"I...I don't know if I can." I glanced up and saw Tom's face. "Don't get me wrong, Tom. I want to, but..."
"You'll do it."
I let out a sigh. "Yeah. I don't have a choice."
"No, you don't. And that's the only answer you'll allow yourself."
I nodded, knowing in my heart Tom was right.
"Good. Anything else?"
"No," I stated, feeling a renewed spirit after Tom pointed out what was inside me. "I can handle it from here. Tom, do me a favor. I can do this, but I'd rather you not be around, not until I find some things out. I...I don't want you to see Sam as I'm seeing him right now. Please. Just stay away for a little while. This is for your own good as well as for Sam."
Tom studied my face. "Always the protector. Now you have two of us. Who's going to protect you?"
"I've had help," I replied. "This is something I have to do alone. But I won't be alone, won't I? Because I've got Sam back."
Tom's smile reached his eyes and lit up the room. "Okay, AL. You've got your time."
"Thanks, Tom. I'll see you on the leap out?"
"If Ziggy cooperates."
I forced a smile at that. "Have fun with her. She's all yours for a while."
Tom let out a snort. "Yeah, right. I'll see you later, Al."
When I left the men's room, I found Sam selecting clothes - really selecting clothes. He was tossed between hats. Well, hats were the one thing Sam didn't just lift off the rack in his size. And he did take the time to try on jeans, because he hated his jeans to be baggy. Which was most probably why the first chance he had, he was picking out new clothes. Sam appeared to be swimming in Hank's clothes. What surprised me was his decision to get a pair of boots in another color than the pair he held to match his hat.
The next shock was when Sam wanted me to buy him a pack of cigarettes and at my hesitation, offered to get cigars instead. I guess my reaction was a little strong. Confused the hell out of him, but not enough to not have a good time while we ate our meal. Even if he did take a smoke break during it.
I still maintained my distance, making sure there was no physical contact between us. I needed to see just how far Sam would take it before he backed out.
I felt more assured as I realized that we had fallen into easy conversation and enjoyed each other's company in the manner of two long time friends, not the impersonal manner of prospective lovers for a few hours. It gave me hope. Sam opened up to me like I have never known him to do to strangers, especially of the kind I was to him. From the first day I met Sam, while he was on the innocent side, he did not trust openly. He had some scars from blows life had dealt him shortly after we met. It was then that he knew he had someone who would become a lifelong friend who could be trusted. He might be swiss-cheesed on the early memories of our friendship, but I could see that he was starting to realize that something more was happening between himself and Hank than just a once night encounter. That made me feel good.
The moment of truth had arrived. I found I wasn't ready to face the truth yet, so I suggested to Sam to take a hot bath. It was something he needed, yet it gave me some extra time. At last it was my turn to leave the bathroom, in attire making it obvious to Sam what was going to happen next. When he still made it apparent that he was going to follow through, I stopped him, desperately needing to know why. What was Sam's answer surprised me - pleasantly surprised me. He wanted the person inside, not the person he saw. Who Sam wanted was me, but he still didn't know the person inside was the best friend who I'm sure he had given up ever seeing again.
Well, since we had not touched yet, I decided to go all the way with the surprise. It was after our first kiss that Sam discovered he was kissing his best friend of over twenty years. It didn't leave us much choice of where to take it from there, since we had already poured our souls out as a result. Really cut to the chase, avoiding all the complications which would most probably have taken us almost forever to cut through. I knew I loved Sam, but when I leaped I was still at a loss how I was going to approached the subject, since while I was sure Sam also loved me, I didn't think he'd be able to easily admit to something which I'm sure we both believed I never would consider.
Our lovemaking was rough, desperate and passionate, yet I never felt anything so sweet in my life as holding Sam in my arms, kissing him, making love with him. We somehow managed to savor the time to remember forever, a night to look back on. Afterwards, Sam broke down in my arms. At first it scared the hell out of me until I realized it was a release which had been held in for too many long years. Sam seemed stronger once the tears subsided. Whatever he had lost throughout the years he had back. He was ready to continue on, to right wrongs with a vengeance again. I had back something that Sam's leaping had caused me to lose. Sam. I vowed I'd never lose him again. I couldn't survive losing him again. From the possessive way Sam held onto me as we snuggled down to kiss, and the fire in the kisses, he never intended to give me up either.
Tom showed up in the middle of the night. I quietly slipped out of the bed and met Tom's smiling face in the bathroom.
"I see you've worked things out between the two of you," he commented, his gray eyes sparkling.
"Yeah," I replied smiling back, my mind once again hearing Sam's answer to my question of why. "I got to admit that I'm still a little worried about Sam, but a least it worked out to both our advantages."
"He'll be okay, Al," Tom assured me.
"Ziggy says that?"
Tom waved the handlink before me. "This? No, not Ziggy. Anyone with two eyes and a heart can know that."
"Thanks, Tom."
Tom looked surprised. "For what?" There were tears starting to glisten in his eyes. "It should be me thanking you. Because of you, we're back in touch with Sam, he's going to be just fine now. Al," Tom started, suddenly uneasy.
"What's wrong?" I inquired.
"Do you know just how much you might have sacrificed for this?"
"I guess you mean that Ziggy thinks I'm going to remain leaping now," I stated with a smile.
"You knew," Tom whispered.
"I considered that as one of my possibilities. Does it really matter? Truth is, if we can't bring Sam home yet, then I want to be with him. This is my home, Tom, and I'm going to make every leap home for Sam now that I'm with him. Where or when we are doesn't matter; what does is that we're together."
"You're amazing. I'm glad my brother became your friend. You know you'll always be a part of our family."
Words were not necessary as we shared a look. I broke the contact by directing my eyes to the closed door and the man who slept peacefully, most probably the first night in a long time, beyond it. Tom smiled and poked his head through the door. It totally unnerved me. Everyone knows how I am about the dead, and the possibility that they could come back in ghost form spooks me even more. That's exactly what Tom reminded me of as he gazed at his younger brother, who was still destined to live the life chosen for him years ago, but no longer MIA, and no longer alone in his missions.
I suddenly understood why when I would do the same thing, Sam would get unnerved. Then something hit that never had before. I started to wonder if Sam was more spooked by the supernatural than he lead us all to believe. Good old Sam: shy, innocent, naive and somehow a master at the art of deception. As the years of our friendship went on, I discovered he wasn't as bad as he played himself to be, but as far as the public went, they didn't need to know that. It worked to our advantage, much like the good cop, bad cop routine. It most certainly was our ace in obtaining funding and continuing it for a while.
"Tom, I know you can't help but gaze at your once missing brother, but you're giving me the heebie-jeebies here. Either go all the way out there, or come back in here and fill me in on the leap."
Tom's head appeared and once again he was whole as he stepped away from the door - for a moment, because he ended up standing in the toilet.
"Tom," I hissed.
Tom chuckled and relocated himself in an open space, in what little there was in the tiny bathroom. "You were here to help Sam. This leap was for him."
"And for me," I added.
"In a way, that's true too. You see, Whoever or Whatever is controlling this decided to drop Sam here as a meeting point for you both. I guess It has a wicked sense of humor or an unending need to put Leapers through tests, which is the reason for the rain and Sam's life being put in jeopardy." At my glare, Tom shrugged. "Hell, that's the best any of us over here, including Ziggy, can come up with."
"So?"
"So? Because it was for the two of you, after you saved Sam's life, no one leaped to give you both the time you needed. Ziggy says you're both going to leap very soon. Together. Whoever now has two Leapers to do the job and once again a team working together from both sides. You're going to be leaping for a long time, Al. For some reason, despite all the work put into it, Ziggy is predicting the retrieval program won't work. We're gonna try it anyway, but..."
"I understand, Tom," I assured him, accepting my new role of Leaper, of undoing wrongs, making the future better for whoever lives I enter. There's nothing wrong with giving second chances. I was given a second chance twice.
Funny, what I needed to have for so many years after returning from Vietnam, when I finally got a second chance at it, all I could do was mourn over the loss of what originally had been given to me to make me forget my misery and get on with my life. Sam. I didn't need Beth. I no longer loved Beth as I once had, and I most certainly have never loved Beth as much as I loved Sam. Thankfully I was given a second chance with Sam, and he with me. Once a long time ago, I sacrificed my own freedom to give Sam a second chance in having his brother back in his life. It gave Tom a chance to live beyond twenty-four years old. It gave me and Sam a chance to finally be together and yet have a trusted person as the lifeline on the other end. I gazed up at Tom.
"Al, I'm in on this for however long. I'll be here for both you and Sam."
I felt the tears start. I didn't try to stop them. I stood tall and proud, my eyes meeting Tom's. "Thanks. I'm glad Sam has you as a brother. I'm glad you were one of the lucky ones to leave Vietnam in one piece, and I consider myself honored that I can call you my friend. Even more, both Sam and I thank you, for not only your understanding, but your faith in us."
"Ah, hell, Al. How can I see anything wrong with a love which kept Sam together through everything he has gone through and eventually bought my brother back to me. He's going to be part of my life again and I'm finally able to be part of his, all because of your love. Besides," he shrugged, "what are brother-in-laws for anyway?"
I think I really lost it then. Through shared tears, Tom and I agreed to allow Sam to sleep. During the next leap, I would prepare him for the new Observer and reunite the two brothers. Tom said goodnight and wished me pleasant dreams. Except dreams can never be as good as the reality of having Sam back.
After Tom left, I padded back into the room and gently climbed into the bed. Without waking, Sam pulled me into his arms and gently kissed my lips, completing the act with a contended sigh. I snuggled down into the delicious warmth and reality of Sam's body against mine. I locked my arms around Sam as securely as he embraced me. Resting my head on his chest, I started to drift off to the beating of his heart.
I knew we were going to leap before the morning came. I wasn't worried about our next stop, as long as it was our stop. I wasn't going to worry about the next mission. The only thing which concerned me was that at last Sam and I were reunited. And together in a way which should have been a long, long time ago.
I'll fight hell itself to always hold Sam.
...I'll fight hell to hold you
No river too deep or mountain high
I'll fight hell to hold you
Be by my side
I'm gonna fight hell to hold you
As time stands still and worlds collide
I'll fight hell to hold you
By my side.*
*I'LL FIGHT HELL TO HOLD YOU
1987 Paul Stanley Ltd. (ASCAP)
Largo Cargo Music (BMI)
The KISS Company (ASCAP)