So does this make me pagan?
I was raised with labels. And if you asked in the last few years, I would have said Christian, but you might have heard me hesitate before I said it.
Last night, I lifted a candle onto our altar, and I spoke a short and personal prayer. I lit the incense, and washed my head in the smoke.
I checked, and made sure there was still bread, salt, and olive oil in their place.
But the truth is, that when I was doing all of the above, I felt like I was praying to, and genuinely worshipping the same God I was raised with- in my heart, I still think I worship the divine that I recognized and knew when I was young and was taught about the god of Jacob.
What I like, is that my faith feels real, simple and genuine to myself in a way that wasn't there when I was in my young 20's.
Basically, the difference is that now when I perform the acts of my, "religion," the feeling is behind it, and I truly believe in the Godness of the being that I communicate with. And it doesn't feel like a one way conversation.
No, I don't hear the voice of God. But I do feel the divine in my life.
But even if I serve a Hebrew God, I can't say that I'm a Christian in the most literal sense - and certainly I'm not really down with Judaism. I don't necessarily feel right praying to Jesus, for instance, and both of the organized church and synagogue hold no appeal.
Having my children has brought these things into focus. I Need to have the relationship with the divine - And I need to raise my children to honor that divine, even if they don't have a wish to have a similar relationship.
And that is why, you find me trying to put a label on what I am... and having trouble.
I'm not Christian. I don't feel Pagan. I'm not New Age...
I believe in most of the tenets of Christianity, and I believe in the truth of the Bible. So perhaps I'm closest to that... But for now, I really don't have a name for where I am.