Memoria da Ieri - 6
Fandom: DBSK/TVXQ/JYJ
Pairing: MinSu (Changmin x Junsu), HoSu (Yunho x Junsu)
Rating: PG - M
Length: Chaptered
Genre: Romance, Angst, Medical, Psychology
Summary:Changmin had never known memories could be so powerful, until he met Junsu.
Junsu closed the door behind him. He then walked toward the bed and dropped himself into it.
Changmin really did not remember him.
But, what was Junsu thinking? Did he really hope that Changmin remembered?
No. Certainly not.
Junsu put two hands up his face and he realized tears were sneaking through the cracks in between his fingers.
He didn’t wish Changmin to remember him. Changmin would be so disappointed, seeing him like this, if Changmin remembered.
The Junsu Changmin met with 5 years ago was a carefree, mischievous, lively boy that everybody would fall in love with immediately. Now, he was just a broken doll. Broken inside and out. And when he put his hands away and looked at them, he felt disgusted. Disgusted at himself.
He was so dirty.
What could reverse time? What could bring him back to those days, those days when Changmin was there and worries were far away? He did not know.
He had waited, for what he did not know. He had dreamt about the moment he met Changmin again every night. In between the terrible nightmares that were breaking his soul to pieces, at those points where he just wanted to die, there would always be Changmin suddenly appearing somewhere. When the pain in his chest had become unbearable and the monster was about to swallow his heart and ate up his flesh, or the devil about to push him down the abyss so he would fall into Incubus and never could escape it, he would see Changmin’s face amid the hopeless darkness, and suddenly there was hope again and his soul was jerked back to reality in painful beats of the heart. He would clutch at it. Hewanted to see Changmin. He wanted to see Changmin so bad. He could trade his soul just to see Changmin, touch Changmin again.
But what worth was his soul? Not worth a single penny. That was why no God, no angel, no devil ever bothered to make a deal. And he had lived the last 5 years everyday in hell and tormented by the images of Changmin’s smile recurring in his head.
But Junsu still held on to them. He imagined. He had imagined how he would clutch at Changmin, how he would bury himself in Changmin’s warm, broad chest, and those strong arms would secure and protect him from the world outside like nothing could tear them apart again. Then Changmin would whisper, “Hyung is here, don’t worry. Hyung is here for Junsu,” like he always had done in the past.
And Junsu had been taught all his life that when people said hello, you should be happy because they wanted to be friends with you. Yet when Changmin said “Hello. Please call me Changmin,” Junsu had felt like a thousand nightmares were back at the same time, and he felt so painful and dizzy that he had to look down a bit to hide it.
But what, did he want Changmin to remember him? Did he want Changmin to put the name of his beloved Kim Junsu of 5 years ago on this horrible, ugly, dirty piece of living thing? No. Certainly not.
But tried as he did, he still at times said things that he had said years ago, and did the things he used to do for Changmin in the past. Simply because he had thought about those things millions of times, as those memories were the only things that could keep him living like this. He would forget what he was right now. Sometimes he would be surprised at how easily he was turned back to be the non-serious one, the joker, the one who teased and annoyed Changmin all the time, and yet still the person Changmin loved.
Only to be reminded of the present, how all that he was not, whenever she came.
She was Changmin’s fiancée. Beautiful. Healthy. Pure. Unlike him.
Whenever Changmin and she stood together, they shone a light that blinded Junsu’s eyes even though Junsu was always hiding behind a corner. They were beautiful and great together while Junsu was just a slimy thing, slithering up the window glass, trying to steal a look inside where the masquerade was going on. But gravity would pull him sliding down little by little, no matter how desperately his small legs and his sticky belly skin tried to hold on the sloppy, vertical surface. Eventually he would fell down and roll in mud and die and nobody ever noticed...
Tears had wetted the whole of his face and he could not breathe anymore. But why would he even try to? Even breathing hurt this much. Even a heartbeat hurt this much. Why would he carry on living anyway?
Even 5 years ago he was not worth Changmin’s attention. Now he was even worse and nothing could redeem it. Darkness and monsters of the night had consumed him long time ago. They had first broken his body, then his soul. He had nothing left.
Changmin deserved much better. Someone like Changmin shouldn’t even have anything to do with Junsu, in the past, or ever.
Oh, how he was hurt. How he wanted this whole thing to end.
Through the vision which was soaked in tears, something on the side table caught his attention. Its light called him to come and take it.
He took it. His fingertips traced the glaring thing, feeling the metallic coldness from there.
Some cuts, at the right place... they would rescue him from his neverending sadness. Forever.
As Junsu did it, he felt memories coming back, touching him, drowning in in ghostlike arms.
Yes, he knew. He hoped. It was going to be only good memories.
“Do you believe in angels, hyung?” Junsu asked, eyes full of laughter. Changmin was reading a book but Junsu would constantly attempt to distract him. Junsu didn’t like Changmin having more attention for books than for Junsu.
Changmin closed his eyes, then sighed. Then to Junsu’s surprised he threw the books to the side and snatched Junsu to his chest. “Aish, screw it. Can’t study with you like this.”
Junsu laughed while being suffocated by Changmin’s hug. Changmin pulled both of them down on the green grass and they would roll together and Junsu ended up on top of Changmin.
Junsu squished Changmin’s face and kissed Changmin’s lips. Then he sat up while still remaining on Changmin’s abdomen.
There was such a gentle smile on Changmin’s handsome face. Then he suddenly whispered.
“Yes, I do.”
“Do what?” Junsu blinked cutely.
“I do believe in angels.”
“Really? You do too?” Junsu was especially happy.
“Yeah,” Changmin said. “When I was 10, one time my parents took me to visit my grandparents. Then work called and they had to leave me there for a few days. I was bored out of my mind. I went into the garden and there was a big tree there. I climbed up but when I was at level with the window of the third floor, I slipped and fell …”
Junsu gasped.
Changmin laughed. “But nothing happened, miraculously. When I sat up on the flat ground I wasn’t hurt at all. Still don’t know why it was so. So I started believing angels exist and some angel had helped me that day.”
“Wow,” Junsu whispered. What a story!
But then he realized something.
“Hey,” he said petulantly, “I asked that question so you would at least say you believe angels exist because I am your angel. Changmin-hyung you don’t have an ounce of romanticism in your body!”
“What, Susu? Human bodies don’t have anything called “romanticism”. We just have flesh, bones, blood, organs, the brain, circuit neurons, commissural axons, pons, medulla, somites, sulci, ieminiscus, vestibulocerebellum, *&*@(&(!@($*@)#)*!#^&@...”
“What language are you speaking, hyung? You know I don’t understand those terms at all! You’re sooo mean!”
Changmin was stunned.
Junsu had left. Fragments of the broken camera were everywhere near where they had been. The book was still on Changmin’s lap.
Still in Changmin’s hands.
Changmin looked down at it. What had just happened? Why had Junsu suddenly got emotional?
Why did it feel like Junsu had known him from before?
But Junsu was so young. The boy was 8 years younger than Changmin. In what context could they have met in the past, if they had met at all? It was unlikely.
Changmin was thinking so. And that was the reason why the next moment he was again surprised to speechlessness.
He had been flipping aimlessly through the book, and when he turned to the first page he saw something.
You told me you were trying to get your hands on this. I found it.
Happy birthday Junsu.
The words read.
And a signature.
The signature… Even when he was dead Changmin would still know whose signature it was. Even if he didn’t, the initials below would remind him.
It was his own signature. His own writing. The initials of his name. “C.M."
Changmin flipped like crazy through the pages, trying to find some other trace.
On one page, there was a whole conversation going on.
The first line of writing was of round letters, like those of a middle-schooler, though written in a hasty way. ‘Changmin-hyung!.’
Then Changmin saw his, oh well, ‘C.M’’s handwriting.
Junsu, be good. I have to take note.
This lecture is so boriiiiiiiing!
Then why did you come here? Go home.
Are you chasing me away????
You said it’s boring…
But hyung is here! Hyung is not boring! I love you!
Empty space.
Hyung, I love you. I’m serious.
Do you love me too?
Hyung-ah!
Junsu. We have talked about this before.
Hyung, you say I’m a kid all the time. I’m a kid yes but I love you and I’m sure of it. Why don’t you take me seriously at all?
I do take you seriously…
You don’t at all. I’m leaving. You go cuddle your professor. Your professor sounds reeeeeaaaaally interesting! Have fun!
Hey!
Conversation ended.
Changmin flipped a few pages, trying to find some continuity.
He found it. There was a white page before the turn to the next chapter. This time, only his own writing.
Junsu, don’t sulk anymore, okay?
You say you love me right?
I do too.
Changmin felt dizzy.
How could this be? What was this conversation. Was this ‘C.M.’ person really him?
Had he, at any point, been… in love with Junsu? Had they been in a relationship before?
What else could this ‘I do too’ mean?
If they were in a relationship, had anyone else known about it?
Kyuhyun had said Changmin had no girlfriend before the accident. Was Kyuhyun telling only half of the truth?
But Changmin could also understand if Kyuhyun didn’t know. If this was before the accident, then Junsu at that time was only 14 or 15. Changmin was about to graduate, or had just graduated from college. 8 years of difference was not small and it was understandable if he had concealed it from most people.
Changmin struggled to remember. Something. Anything at all.
But to no avail. His head was like a rock that refused any sort of urge. He felt so hopeless and hate for himself, that tears were even on the way.
The only person who knew the truth was Junsu.
Changmin had to go and see Junsu.
End 6
Pairing: MinSu (Changmin x Junsu), HoSu (Yunho x Junsu)
Rating: PG - M
Length: Chaptered
Genre: Romance, Angst, Medical, Psychology
Summary:Changmin had never known memories could be so powerful, until he met Junsu.
Junsu closed the door behind him. He then walked toward the bed and dropped himself into it.
Changmin really did not remember him.
But, what was Junsu thinking? Did he really hope that Changmin remembered?
No. Certainly not.
Junsu put two hands up his face and he realized tears were sneaking through the cracks in between his fingers.
He didn’t wish Changmin to remember him. Changmin would be so disappointed, seeing him like this, if Changmin remembered.
The Junsu Changmin met with 5 years ago was a carefree, mischievous, lively boy that everybody would fall in love with immediately. Now, he was just a broken doll. Broken inside and out. And when he put his hands away and looked at them, he felt disgusted. Disgusted at himself.
He was so dirty.
What could reverse time? What could bring him back to those days, those days when Changmin was there and worries were far away? He did not know.
He had waited, for what he did not know. He had dreamt about the moment he met Changmin again every night. In between the terrible nightmares that were breaking his soul to pieces, at those points where he just wanted to die, there would always be Changmin suddenly appearing somewhere. When the pain in his chest had become unbearable and the monster was about to swallow his heart and ate up his flesh, or the devil about to push him down the abyss so he would fall into Incubus and never could escape it, he would see Changmin’s face amid the hopeless darkness, and suddenly there was hope again and his soul was jerked back to reality in painful beats of the heart. He would clutch at it. Hewanted to see Changmin. He wanted to see Changmin so bad. He could trade his soul just to see Changmin, touch Changmin again.
But what worth was his soul? Not worth a single penny. That was why no God, no angel, no devil ever bothered to make a deal. And he had lived the last 5 years everyday in hell and tormented by the images of Changmin’s smile recurring in his head.
But Junsu still held on to them. He imagined. He had imagined how he would clutch at Changmin, how he would bury himself in Changmin’s warm, broad chest, and those strong arms would secure and protect him from the world outside like nothing could tear them apart again. Then Changmin would whisper, “Hyung is here, don’t worry. Hyung is here for Junsu,” like he always had done in the past.
And Junsu had been taught all his life that when people said hello, you should be happy because they wanted to be friends with you. Yet when Changmin said “Hello. Please call me Changmin,” Junsu had felt like a thousand nightmares were back at the same time, and he felt so painful and dizzy that he had to look down a bit to hide it.
But what, did he want Changmin to remember him? Did he want Changmin to put the name of his beloved Kim Junsu of 5 years ago on this horrible, ugly, dirty piece of living thing? No. Certainly not.
But tried as he did, he still at times said things that he had said years ago, and did the things he used to do for Changmin in the past. Simply because he had thought about those things millions of times, as those memories were the only things that could keep him living like this. He would forget what he was right now. Sometimes he would be surprised at how easily he was turned back to be the non-serious one, the joker, the one who teased and annoyed Changmin all the time, and yet still the person Changmin loved.
Only to be reminded of the present, how all that he was not, whenever she came.
She was Changmin’s fiancée. Beautiful. Healthy. Pure. Unlike him.
Whenever Changmin and she stood together, they shone a light that blinded Junsu’s eyes even though Junsu was always hiding behind a corner. They were beautiful and great together while Junsu was just a slimy thing, slithering up the window glass, trying to steal a look inside where the masquerade was going on. But gravity would pull him sliding down little by little, no matter how desperately his small legs and his sticky belly skin tried to hold on the sloppy, vertical surface. Eventually he would fell down and roll in mud and die and nobody ever noticed...
Tears had wetted the whole of his face and he could not breathe anymore. But why would he even try to? Even breathing hurt this much. Even a heartbeat hurt this much. Why would he carry on living anyway?
Even 5 years ago he was not worth Changmin’s attention. Now he was even worse and nothing could redeem it. Darkness and monsters of the night had consumed him long time ago. They had first broken his body, then his soul. He had nothing left.
Changmin deserved much better. Someone like Changmin shouldn’t even have anything to do with Junsu, in the past, or ever.
Oh, how he was hurt. How he wanted this whole thing to end.
Through the vision which was soaked in tears, something on the side table caught his attention. Its light called him to come and take it.
He took it. His fingertips traced the glaring thing, feeling the metallic coldness from there.
Some cuts, at the right place... they would rescue him from his neverending sadness. Forever.
As Junsu did it, he felt memories coming back, touching him, drowning in in ghostlike arms.
Yes, he knew. He hoped. It was going to be only good memories.
“Do you believe in angels, hyung?” Junsu asked, eyes full of laughter. Changmin was reading a book but Junsu would constantly attempt to distract him. Junsu didn’t like Changmin having more attention for books than for Junsu.
Changmin closed his eyes, then sighed. Then to Junsu’s surprised he threw the books to the side and snatched Junsu to his chest. “Aish, screw it. Can’t study with you like this.”
Junsu laughed while being suffocated by Changmin’s hug. Changmin pulled both of them down on the green grass and they would roll together and Junsu ended up on top of Changmin.
Junsu squished Changmin’s face and kissed Changmin’s lips. Then he sat up while still remaining on Changmin’s abdomen.
There was such a gentle smile on Changmin’s handsome face. Then he suddenly whispered.
“Yes, I do.”
“Do what?” Junsu blinked cutely.
“I do believe in angels.”
“Really? You do too?” Junsu was especially happy.
“Yeah,” Changmin said. “When I was 10, one time my parents took me to visit my grandparents. Then work called and they had to leave me there for a few days. I was bored out of my mind. I went into the garden and there was a big tree there. I climbed up but when I was at level with the window of the third floor, I slipped and fell …”
Junsu gasped.
Changmin laughed. “But nothing happened, miraculously. When I sat up on the flat ground I wasn’t hurt at all. Still don’t know why it was so. So I started believing angels exist and some angel had helped me that day.”
“Wow,” Junsu whispered. What a story!
But then he realized something.
“Hey,” he said petulantly, “I asked that question so you would at least say you believe angels exist because I am your angel. Changmin-hyung you don’t have an ounce of romanticism in your body!”
“What, Susu? Human bodies don’t have anything called “romanticism”. We just have flesh, bones, blood, organs, the brain, circuit neurons, commissural axons, pons, medulla, somites, sulci, ieminiscus, vestibulocerebellum, *&*@(&(!@($*@)#)*!#^&@...”
“What language are you speaking, hyung? You know I don’t understand those terms at all! You’re sooo mean!”
Changmin was stunned.
Junsu had left. Fragments of the broken camera were everywhere near where they had been. The book was still on Changmin’s lap.
Still in Changmin’s hands.
Changmin looked down at it. What had just happened? Why had Junsu suddenly got emotional?
Why did it feel like Junsu had known him from before?
But Junsu was so young. The boy was 8 years younger than Changmin. In what context could they have met in the past, if they had met at all? It was unlikely.
Changmin was thinking so. And that was the reason why the next moment he was again surprised to speechlessness.
He had been flipping aimlessly through the book, and when he turned to the first page he saw something.
You told me you were trying to get your hands on this. I found it.
Happy birthday Junsu.
The words read.
And a signature.
The signature… Even when he was dead Changmin would still know whose signature it was. Even if he didn’t, the initials below would remind him.
It was his own signature. His own writing. The initials of his name. “C.M."
Changmin flipped like crazy through the pages, trying to find some other trace.
On one page, there was a whole conversation going on.
The first line of writing was of round letters, like those of a middle-schooler, though written in a hasty way. ‘Changmin-hyung!.’
Then Changmin saw his, oh well, ‘C.M’’s handwriting.
Junsu, be good. I have to take note.
This lecture is so boriiiiiiiing!
Then why did you come here? Go home.
Are you chasing me away????
You said it’s boring…
But hyung is here! Hyung is not boring! I love you!
Empty space.
Hyung, I love you. I’m serious.
Do you love me too?
Hyung-ah!
Junsu. We have talked about this before.
Hyung, you say I’m a kid all the time. I’m a kid yes but I love you and I’m sure of it. Why don’t you take me seriously at all?
I do take you seriously…
You don’t at all. I’m leaving. You go cuddle your professor. Your professor sounds reeeeeaaaaally interesting! Have fun!
Hey!
Conversation ended.
Changmin flipped a few pages, trying to find some continuity.
He found it. There was a white page before the turn to the next chapter. This time, only his own writing.
Junsu, don’t sulk anymore, okay?
You say you love me right?
I do too.
Changmin felt dizzy.
How could this be? What was this conversation. Was this ‘C.M.’ person really him?
Had he, at any point, been… in love with Junsu? Had they been in a relationship before?
What else could this ‘I do too’ mean?
If they were in a relationship, had anyone else known about it?
Kyuhyun had said Changmin had no girlfriend before the accident. Was Kyuhyun telling only half of the truth?
But Changmin could also understand if Kyuhyun didn’t know. If this was before the accident, then Junsu at that time was only 14 or 15. Changmin was about to graduate, or had just graduated from college. 8 years of difference was not small and it was understandable if he had concealed it from most people.
Changmin struggled to remember. Something. Anything at all.
But to no avail. His head was like a rock that refused any sort of urge. He felt so hopeless and hate for himself, that tears were even on the way.
The only person who knew the truth was Junsu.
Changmin had to go and see Junsu.
End 6