I think I am clever sometimes.
Quite the revelation. I think I don't want to set roots in anywhere, even though they are something that nurture you, you can't very well make a tree walk (or I don't know how to). That and every time we anchor down, we get plucked up later.
I used to make my home in people. I used to only like to be around my mom/family and my friends. They are getting roots though.
I don't give much royalty to it, but that's probably my dream at the moment. I want roots, and I want to keep them in the ground. I am torn with Bud because he is some of my life's soil, and if I go looking for fertile ground I have to leave him behind, or put him in a pot.
To get this done I have to succumb to a world that not one of us is fond of. Sure it's the way things are, but we still don't like any of it; it is harrowingly difficult. There are better place out there I do believe, but I'm not about to kill off part of my life that I like in hopes that I can start a better one. We don't gamble.
So in being certain that I want to get away from this world I am able to think of what I can do. I can be stupid and kill myself or something, but that's just giving up (not like being enveloped in lethargy is much better). I can however “get away” from this world as much as possible. The world I disdain is the human world of cities and politics; the fiscal mundane clutter. So I just go live out on some land, find a nice remote ranch somewhere with people (or not).
Read a best-of-craigslist (I'll go ahead and link it) that was sad, but there were some elements that I thought sounded really cool (not that they're hard to guess).
Romantic love was kind of the fallback for human connection. It was a type of connection we did not experience yet and thusly it was not fucked up by the great human condition. Yet the one biggest and most developed spin of that has had a sort of, disappointing result. God I wish I knew what I knew now then.
If I had known all of the things going through Joey's head (and my own) with that I might have been much more careful with it. I didn't know the risk and investment of such a relationship; I did not know that it would have been the last ledge and precipice for getting back to trusting humans. Not that all chances are exhausted now, but the only next 'fresh' human experience waiting for me is that of parenthood. Even then I have to either adopt or find a woman I want to have a child with, both come with already developed human trust issues.
The romantic touch is easily part of me, I write sonnets for fuck's sake, I don't know anyone else who does that, but, Joey was just so hopeful of romance being the best thing ever. The cultural take on romance usually chocs it up to a grand scale (i.e. Disney), and being a kid and having such expositions, he was convinced that sort of true love could fix everything.
Tough break eh?
I see why Jeff is so upset with Toni. I think we should try and get them to talk about and process some of this stuff. I think she's too worried about conflict though, and might try elephanting it.
Now my body buzzes with discomfort, I get that inexplicable want to scream and break things even though I'm not upset. I'm probably just crazy; Freud what you say about this?
I'm not going to play the stupid game where you think of what could have been, I'm not going to speculate. I, Jeff, will say Toni fucked up. You didn't do anything wrong, there was not a lack of romance in the relationship at all, she just didn't do any of it. I do credit her for the one time she came over and tried to cook you food when you were sick (she messed up ramen, how do you even do that?). Even then you didn't want her to come and take care of you when you were sick, you have been doing that for a while and felt no need for someone else to take care of you.
What you wanted, was just her to do what she could to be with you, and that involved her not having to break away from her Dad's fiscal car bond things, but to actually fully engage and be willing to take the relationship to the next level: the stuff Mom talked about with the 6 levels of relationships, Toni didn't want to do that.
Probably because she already had been in dysfunctional relationships.
Tabun. But, I am still incredibly upset with her for doing what she did, I wish she just said that she couldn't handle the relationship instead of trying to do something she wasn't committed to. In half-assing it she caused a lot more damage; in being unaware of her own shit, she did some collateral. Strangely none of it was to me per se, but she took the chance Joey was giving her and didn't take his hand. It was the first time Joey wanted someone to take his hand in ages. That's why I'm pissed with her. She needs a good yelling at.
I don't know if that would help, you need a good yelling, I don't think she needs to be yelled at.
All of these relationships and relationship models in our world have been so contaminated by the simple part of people not being self-aware (not that we're perfectly self-aware). Kick the lens, and move it to where it stops focusing on the stuff that doesn't matter. This world is almost like a playground filled with acid where people are convinced they want to go do things that are bad for them.
It is the saddest thing in my life to see Joey and see him think of what he needs to do in this world. To become an adult.
And we just told him he's not supposed to grow up, we told him he's got our heart, and if he threw it away to grow up, well, we wouldn't like that very much. Sure we're being kind of selfish here (fun noun games, plurals and singulars all together, wee!), but he's not supposed to grow up yet. I think we figured something out. I think I might start to get a little direction here. BEHOLD WORLD YOU LAID WITNESS TO AN EPIPHANY!
Tl;dr don't grow up.