On the mounds they build and how the sea washes them away.
So, I have trust issues. That isn't precisely ground-breaking. These issues are not the mundane trust issues but the emotional ones. These walls have been growing taller in relation to my human folk. There was a decline about the era whence I lived with my crazy extended family, severed ties with Toni, and got arrested. My remained tattered human emotional support seemed to fall right through. I don't have the specifics of these things, but I have a general idea.
In our continued life with other humans, I have noticed a trend. With being abused and already having shoddy trust work, people told me that the only way to overcome these things was by the simpleton's approach of doing them, over and over.
Firstly, emotional disabilities are not a god damned language. The idea is cute and has some very simple logic backing it but emotions and disabilities are not as simple as such a approach. You cannot exposure therapy everything, well maybe you could if all exposures proved successful.
I have noticed the majority of our exposures come as resounding failures. I am fatigued that we have done this stuff so many times and faced so many drab outcomes; I am not a gambling man, especially when the odds are dis-favorable.
I must stress, that while known for being a cynic, and not the biggest optimist in the world, I am not just focusing on the negative and being a huge downer, just from objective observation, easily the majority of the times we take some stupid emotional investment risk with people it turns out for worse. Ah, but I must catch myself and amend that, these figures are from the last few years when I entered a more conscious awareness.
In the time when we were first having flash-backs and coming to terms with multiplicity, mother was wholly supportive and always there. Thusly she was the first human in the post trauma age to ever elicit the higher limbic nuero chemical responses (congratulations mom). But something happened.
After we returned from the crazies in Phoenix and all of that nonsense, Joey was in a pretty big freakout and really, desperately needed nurturing which he did not get (damnit mom) or he did not get enough. I do recall mom had something going on and she was, for lack of a better word, preoccupied. I wish that Joe and I had known at the time that things were so indeed dire. Thus is the curse of the person afraid of people, how on earth are you supposed to confront them and ask for what you need? He didn't even tell us, he was freaking out but said he'd come out of it and grow up and be responsible.
And the child Joey is gone.
This contemporary age is rife with the one thing that absolutely dehumanizes us, and I will debate that point eternally with the same zeal a bishop or pope may have of their bullshit religion (but I'm right). Seeing studies conducted by other people, experiments, tests, curiosities that they seek to answer (and do) keep yielding results which amount to a stupid thesis: Humanity Sucks.
Our priorities are backwards. We place the fiscal and mundane first and leave the soul to rot. People don't want to understand that there are sometimes, tremendous things at work within people, and that people need time to take care of these things. Even just the small things, people don't stop and listen to buskers, if anything they blot them out of their perception to dodge the grief and guilt of “not having the time” to sit and listen and enjoy whatever music they make.
Looking at Sandhill I am sad to report (earlier I typo'd “Sadhill,” haw haw) that this has even contaminated there. Not that I doubt in the leas that their work is important, kids are the future after all, but I feel sullied by talk we had with them. This is also where the going out on a limb thing is backfiring, again.
We, are an open book, which is probably more of Joe's decision than mine. We decided we're not going to lie anymore, but we're not super great at keeping up with that, but when we meet new people or reconnect with old ones, we try to stay true to it. We did with Sandhill.
I am offended by Kurt now, he gave me advice, at the time we were in submissive mode and I did not act on any bruised pride welling, but now having had the time to sit and stew on it I've made quite a soup. I am probably one of the worst people in the world to advise partly because of my ego and partly because there has been few instances where someone who is not my headmate has said something “advice-y” and been right.
In the interview, we spoke of many things that weren't completely professional or 100% tangential and possibly counter productive to us getting a job there (boo-hoo). Kurt decided he would touch on this after wards and of course precede it with the ever-so-great patronization “I'm only doing this because I like you.” Fuck you.
I know there is much we could have lied about or just kept secret to enhance the possibilities of working there, but we didn't because we tend to act on a morale caliber that is kind of, far and in-between.
Being asked how my anger is, and then us sharing the most recent stories and experiences that come to light about such things: working with Bud and other horses. I really do not ever plan to trigger at a child. Even if they are adept at pushing your buttons to get under your skin I'm sure I'm better equipped to work there than some of there present personnel.
Am I unflappable? More than most by far, and I never want to direct my anger at a child. Children are pretty innocent, I'm sure there are some that are not, but I do not blame them. Knowing what bad parenting is and what it can do, I wont ever blame the kids.
The anger episodes are unbridled and always have been. Though I must say in working with horses and being able to have so many opportunities to analyze this wild force, I think we might have it in check for the rest of our life. This is a good instance of successful exposure therapy; we can't run as fast as a horse.
What irked me most about that interview was pretty much being told that I am not good enough - we are not good enough. To quote: “You're not far enough along in that process yet.” Great, thanks for saying it, and being completely unproductive in any way. Not to mention I disagree.
So, I have trust issues. That isn't precisely ground-breaking. We know not one person who can mentor us in this regard. God, ok, just so everyone knows we're multiple-storming now, so it's not just Jeff-centric anymore.
If there is one thing I can complain about the most in my life it is the abundant lack of mentors. Most the people we meet we either exceed in capability or are on par with. The one thing that we are losing the race on is the inter-human sympathetic nervous system. Even then not one person has given me insight that seems like the answer.
God, dare I even think about what Susan told me in response to some of this stuff (the crazy bitch). Feel the backlash of honesty! And fear it!
I want answers, I want direction, I am currently without either and I feel depressed as time goes on. Working with horses is the only thing I have that I can do and the world feels alright. But then again horses are the only thing that make me happy. True absolute contentedness. I have once got the feeling that I get from Bud before that comes to memory. And that was with Toni, when we first met. But that's totally gone along with everything else that was great and not horses. Even then I stress about what hairbarined thing Susan will do next that will jeopardize even that.
My life feels very out of my control and I don't know what to do...
Follow your heart they say. If only these humans knew what it was.