stress and meditation
I have been- well…. Stressed.
To say the least.
On top of my own questions and trying to sort out my feelings towards marriage and commitment and all of that, we are having financial difficulties- AGAIN- this time both with our personal finances and with the business which is just not doing as well as we had hoped right now. And the normal end of year business stress of the kids- dance, summer camps, theatre, end of school assemblies and events… blah….
And to icing the cake- Ron got fired last week.
Yeah- stress….
I don’t do well with stress. It hurts me- physically. I feel it- it settles in me like depression. I feel it in my head- the thumping, pulsating feelings that don’t subside. The pressures and pain behind and over my eyes- so bad that I swear I must have growths- or something that you can see- you must be able to see this… but I look in the mirror and it’s not there. The aches in my back and neck and shoulders- like the weight of the world bearing down on me. Not able to sleep- which amplifies everything… and feeling groggy and tired all day. So many little things that hurt and ache.
And I haven’t been doing my meditations. I should be. I should be doing them for my dedicants program, and I should be doing them for me. I know it helps. So last night, I pulled out the big guns. Not only was I going to do a meditation- I was going to do- the LBRP. The Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Pentagram *ARGH!* I had been avoiding the LBRP. Like the plague. It just reminds me too much of the OTO and Thelema and Crowley and or Catholic churches and Christian junk and of just so many things I disagree with. I try not to- I try to stay open about things- but I do have my religious biases. But desperate times call for desperate measures. And whenever Ron is stressed- I tell him- “Go do your LBRP”. And he always feels better afterwards. So- I asked him to teach it to me- much to his delight.
I did not feel weird doing it, but it hurt. Physically, it hurt. I know, that sounds weird. It wasn’t even that I was tired from holding a position or anything, it felt like my chest and ribs were being kicked while I stood. I almost couldn’t do it. I stopped and had to catch my breath. I told Ron I couldn’t do it, and I told him where it was hurting. He said it’s because my chakras are not in line, and because I was trying to release negatives that were not willing to just go.
I did do it- the whole thing. But only once. The original plan was for me to do it once with Ron as he showed me, and then again on my own, but I couldn’t. One time left me exhausted. It’s the weirdest feeling I’ve ever had from a meditation. I ached, and was tired. The visuals were ok though- I saw the pentagrams very clearly, and saw myself, and saw the archangels that were called- 1 in particular- on my right. And I grasped- reaching for him… I felt a presence and a sense of security- if not an actual touch.
But the whole thing seemed like a fight. I had to force words out, because I felt like there was something pushing them back inside my mouth. And, like I said, I felt like I was being kicked, and I was exhausted.
Afterwards, I took a shower- as a final cleansing. It was weird, but I will try it again. I think there is a lot there that I can get from it. Now- if only I could get Ron to record the 2 powers meditation for me…
To say the least.
On top of my own questions and trying to sort out my feelings towards marriage and commitment and all of that, we are having financial difficulties- AGAIN- this time both with our personal finances and with the business which is just not doing as well as we had hoped right now. And the normal end of year business stress of the kids- dance, summer camps, theatre, end of school assemblies and events… blah….
And to icing the cake- Ron got fired last week.
Yeah- stress….
I don’t do well with stress. It hurts me- physically. I feel it- it settles in me like depression. I feel it in my head- the thumping, pulsating feelings that don’t subside. The pressures and pain behind and over my eyes- so bad that I swear I must have growths- or something that you can see- you must be able to see this… but I look in the mirror and it’s not there. The aches in my back and neck and shoulders- like the weight of the world bearing down on me. Not able to sleep- which amplifies everything… and feeling groggy and tired all day. So many little things that hurt and ache.
And I haven’t been doing my meditations. I should be. I should be doing them for my dedicants program, and I should be doing them for me. I know it helps. So last night, I pulled out the big guns. Not only was I going to do a meditation- I was going to do- the LBRP. The Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Pentagram *ARGH!* I had been avoiding the LBRP. Like the plague. It just reminds me too much of the OTO and Thelema and Crowley and or Catholic churches and Christian junk and of just so many things I disagree with. I try not to- I try to stay open about things- but I do have my religious biases. But desperate times call for desperate measures. And whenever Ron is stressed- I tell him- “Go do your LBRP”. And he always feels better afterwards. So- I asked him to teach it to me- much to his delight.
I did not feel weird doing it, but it hurt. Physically, it hurt. I know, that sounds weird. It wasn’t even that I was tired from holding a position or anything, it felt like my chest and ribs were being kicked while I stood. I almost couldn’t do it. I stopped and had to catch my breath. I told Ron I couldn’t do it, and I told him where it was hurting. He said it’s because my chakras are not in line, and because I was trying to release negatives that were not willing to just go.
I did do it- the whole thing. But only once. The original plan was for me to do it once with Ron as he showed me, and then again on my own, but I couldn’t. One time left me exhausted. It’s the weirdest feeling I’ve ever had from a meditation. I ached, and was tired. The visuals were ok though- I saw the pentagrams very clearly, and saw myself, and saw the archangels that were called- 1 in particular- on my right. And I grasped- reaching for him… I felt a presence and a sense of security- if not an actual touch.
But the whole thing seemed like a fight. I had to force words out, because I felt like there was something pushing them back inside my mouth. And, like I said, I felt like I was being kicked, and I was exhausted.
Afterwards, I took a shower- as a final cleansing. It was weird, but I will try it again. I think there is a lot there that I can get from it. Now- if only I could get Ron to record the 2 powers meditation for me…