It wasn't too bad.
I knew the holidays wouldn't be as bad as I made it out to be once I got there, it's just the "getting" there that bothers me. And dreading being in someone else's house for so long. They really are super people and they have treated me like family from the beginning. I know that when they do something nice to/for me it's because they want to, there is no backhanded shoe preparing to drop. I can also do nice things for them because they are nice people and I don't have to do them to "win" them over. So why am I such an anxious mess? They are NOT my mother, they never met her, they never will, and from what I can tell they do not view me the same way my mother viewed me.
Attachment and abandonment issues, I have volumes. I really really want to learn to get past them, there was absolutely nothing threatening or negative about my visit there and yet I'm still on edge almost a week later. I'm going over everything I said and did 100 times in my head and second guessing everything. Sometimes I feel like I'm so broken. I keep feeling like everyone must be comparing notes about how I ruined the visit even though I know I didn't, because that was how things always used to be.
And then it hit me, this is why I haven't contacted my biological mother yet. It's not really that I'm worried she'll reject me again or that we won't like each other. I can handle that, I'm used to that. My adoptive mother hated my guts and reminded me of it every single day. Unless she needed something to help her ego, then she would be nice knowing I'd flock to like a moth to a flame. That's familiar territory, that's a song I understand. But what if she wants to know me? What if we like each other? What if my natural family want me to be part of their lives? I... I think that scares me more than anything. It's what I want but it's also my biggest fear. It's easier to be alone and feel sorry for myself than it is to heal and actually learn to let people in.
Attachment and abandonment issues, I have volumes. I really really want to learn to get past them, there was absolutely nothing threatening or negative about my visit there and yet I'm still on edge almost a week later. I'm going over everything I said and did 100 times in my head and second guessing everything. Sometimes I feel like I'm so broken. I keep feeling like everyone must be comparing notes about how I ruined the visit even though I know I didn't, because that was how things always used to be.
And then it hit me, this is why I haven't contacted my biological mother yet. It's not really that I'm worried she'll reject me again or that we won't like each other. I can handle that, I'm used to that. My adoptive mother hated my guts and reminded me of it every single day. Unless she needed something to help her ego, then she would be nice knowing I'd flock to like a moth to a flame. That's familiar territory, that's a song I understand. But what if she wants to know me? What if we like each other? What if my natural family want me to be part of their lives? I... I think that scares me more than anything. It's what I want but it's also my biggest fear. It's easier to be alone and feel sorry for myself than it is to heal and actually learn to let people in.