(no subject)
So I saw Rent, and I thought that they did a wonderful job. Aside from the electric guitars being RIDICULOUSLY loud and all but entirely drowning out the voices...they were wonderful. I was really impressed by the level of energy and the emotionality of a lot of the songs...not to mention, Ben Rabinowitz is basically the new owner of my life.
But...ugh. I thought that I was doing pretty well in losing my feelings for Josh in this past week...and then I saw him walk on stage at the beginning of the show, and my heart was just going insane. I wanted to jump up there and be next to him, it was so painful to be that close to him but that far away at the same time...and then backstage, I ran to him and he gave me such a big hug, and he was like, "I probably smell terrible right now"...and it's true, he actually was ridiculously sweaty and smelly (obviously, because he was in a show)...but I just didn't care, all I wanted was to hold onto him for as long as I could. It kind of was the same as before, but something had also changed for the worse. I could tell because he was the first to let go. It almost felt like a hug from Alex.
Especially now that I know he isn't coming to UDel next year, and that we are probably going to drift, and I will hardly ever see him...it just doesn't feel right. He will meet another girl there, and I won't be on his mind anymore. Maybe I never really was on his mind and he was just saying that to make me feel better...
After what I most recently went through with him, I just wanted to see him in person and cry on his shoulder...but this was his special night, and I didn't want to ruin it for him...so I tried to muster up whatever grace and poise I had, and I smiled at him and told him how proud I was, and I walked away so that he could enjoy himself fully.
But what I really needed was to be alone with him for a while...and I feel horrible that I'm not going to get that chance again until May 29th...
I still want to believe that something might happen one day.
At this point in my life, I have such a higher level of self esteem than I had last year. The way that I operate now is that when someone or something makes me happy, I hold onto them for dear life, because I feel that I deserve them.
Josh makes me happy. I deserve to be happy. I deserve him. I also think that I'm good enough for him, and that I would make him happy too, and that he deserves to have me.
I'm not so naive as to think that you always get what you deserve in life...but...I don't know. I got myself dreaming of this impossible happy ending that I was never meant to have...and I can't get it out of my head.
Whatever I felt tonight was so powerful, and completely overwhelming. I don't know what to do with myself. I didn't think that I would ever let myself fall this hard for someone again. I'm trying to keep my chin up, and I am lucky to have such wonderful things going on in my life to keep my mind off of it...but there is that horrible sense of emptiness whenever I come back to reality.
But...ugh. I thought that I was doing pretty well in losing my feelings for Josh in this past week...and then I saw him walk on stage at the beginning of the show, and my heart was just going insane. I wanted to jump up there and be next to him, it was so painful to be that close to him but that far away at the same time...and then backstage, I ran to him and he gave me such a big hug, and he was like, "I probably smell terrible right now"...and it's true, he actually was ridiculously sweaty and smelly (obviously, because he was in a show)...but I just didn't care, all I wanted was to hold onto him for as long as I could. It kind of was the same as before, but something had also changed for the worse. I could tell because he was the first to let go. It almost felt like a hug from Alex.
Especially now that I know he isn't coming to UDel next year, and that we are probably going to drift, and I will hardly ever see him...it just doesn't feel right. He will meet another girl there, and I won't be on his mind anymore. Maybe I never really was on his mind and he was just saying that to make me feel better...
After what I most recently went through with him, I just wanted to see him in person and cry on his shoulder...but this was his special night, and I didn't want to ruin it for him...so I tried to muster up whatever grace and poise I had, and I smiled at him and told him how proud I was, and I walked away so that he could enjoy himself fully.
But what I really needed was to be alone with him for a while...and I feel horrible that I'm not going to get that chance again until May 29th...
I still want to believe that something might happen one day.
At this point in my life, I have such a higher level of self esteem than I had last year. The way that I operate now is that when someone or something makes me happy, I hold onto them for dear life, because I feel that I deserve them.
Josh makes me happy. I deserve to be happy. I deserve him. I also think that I'm good enough for him, and that I would make him happy too, and that he deserves to have me.
I'm not so naive as to think that you always get what you deserve in life...but...I don't know. I got myself dreaming of this impossible happy ending that I was never meant to have...and I can't get it out of my head.
Whatever I felt tonight was so powerful, and completely overwhelming. I don't know what to do with myself. I didn't think that I would ever let myself fall this hard for someone again. I'm trying to keep my chin up, and I am lucky to have such wonderful things going on in my life to keep my mind off of it...but there is that horrible sense of emptiness whenever I come back to reality.