(no subject)
so i have a lot to think about right now...like a lot of different stuff going through my head so im just gonna throw out whatever thought comes to me at the moment...finally the weekend and i think its over but its not...forever the same old cycle of the sosaded in the words of olivia i think...god i miss her...things would be different i think...but yeah...what else is new? frustration. waiting. uncertainty. probably of the most painful feelings in the world. not neccessarily the initial pain of some wounds... more like the tendonitis nagging pain that really is bothering you...and relentless until you are finally diagnosed (and yes i am a smed nerd) and again everytime i look at the lyrics of scars it brings it all back over and over again...all of it...so weird that i am feeling so many emotions when i had such a great day yesterday...i freakin love easha t and god do i miss stuff like that where we used to hang out like that...just doing nothing...all the time instead of once every 3 months...those were the days...still not perfect...but everything else just didnt matter...idk and stuff...and kid youre right...you cant make everyone happy and it is so difficult to try...and other times...where you miss someone sooooooo much and they are standing right next to you...god do i feel that right now. in so many ways with so many people. and just feeling out of it. like youre stuck in the middle not really a part of anything and just having little fragments of a little bit of everything...that is what youre like when you try to please everyone...you spread yourself so thin and give a little bit to everyone so that it is not enough to make any individual happy...but you have nothing left to give...although impossible to just choose it seems like it would be so much easier sometimes. to just have one thing that is definite. that you are sure of. i always thought i had about 3 solid things that i could always turn to. 3 turned to 2 to 1 and now 0. i have nothing that is 100% all of the time even though i try to tell myself that it is...i know that it is not. and some things in life seem so one-sided. and you try so hard and you are the only one making effort. and you just dont get anywhere. its pointless. in the words of linkin park: "i tried so hard and got so far but in the end it doesnt even matter" so true. and just everything. so stressful. and the outward appearance that we put on. i bet a lot of people have NO IDEA. there is one person who i think knew everything about me. and im serious about that. prob. more than they wanted to know...and prob. more than they should have known. but yeah. everything is different in every aspect of my life. and you think you can go back to old things and you cant and in the end its always the same story. in this i really dont think it will be but sometimes im afraid. maybe b/c im so delicate or insecure. you wouldnt know that would you? not unless you took the time to really get to know me. but then again its not your fault if im the one holding back. and then at other times im so vulnerable...even when i know i should not be. and then it is always the same story. but dont get mad if you dont take the time to try. and know that i am trying. and i cant do it. and im frustrated. and im tired. and i cant handle it. and it is too much. but im trying. and sometimes we just need to forget it all and go back. and it works for that instant but once youre back to reality its like it never even happened. and you just wish it would. and some things were good but others were not. some things were hell. the memories you tried to bury. the memories you hid. the things no one knew. the skeletons in your closet. but once they come out again its hard to try to shove them back in and hide them again. and like hypocrites. and everything. everything. its so hard. and im talking about everything and anything and nothing at all right now. but im hoping this is so long that people will be too lazy to read this b/c everyone will think this is about them so even though i may or may not be its not what you think. i switch subjects so quickly that i am talking about you once sentence and the next is the complete opposite. so dont assume anything. NEVER assume anything. disappointment.