I heart my dad.
I felt the need to share with all of you just how cool my dad is. I got this email from him, a stupid adolescent chain email that not even us teens usually do, and I realized he has some of the most hilarious responses I've ever seen. When you read this take note, my father is a chubby balding 52 year old xbox playing goof of a man. His best friend is a 36 year old father of two and his girlfriend is by best friends mom. Think about that and read this:
1. WHAT IS YOUR FULL NAME? Gregory Lee Baker
2. WHAT COLOR PANTS ARE YOU WEARING? Flesh tone. Ooops...I'm not wearing any
pants.
3. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? My son playing Halo 2, the whine of
the dying CPU fan in my computer and hacking cough I've been suffering with
for the past week.
4. WHAT'S THE LAST THING YOU ATE? A lemon-flavored Starburst fruit chew. It
sucked. Real bad. I spit it out so I'm not sure that it counts as something
I ate. The last thing I actually swallowed was a grilled cheese sandwich.
I'm pretty sure that counts.
5. DO YOU WISH ON STARS? Only when they are spinning over my head. When my
eyes are closed.
6. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? White. It would be like I
wasn't really there.
7. HOW IS THE WEATHER RIGHT NOW? Dark.
8. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? My daughter, Kira LaFosse-Baker.
And now I have to collect all of her "things" and meet her at her mom's
house.
9. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT YOU THIS? OK...I'm back now. "Like" is
too weak. I love Ed. If I were gay I would want to marry him. Or at least
join with him in a civil union. I would stay at home and prepare new and
unique baked goods while he worked his ass off to support me. Then I would
turn him down...cold...when he expected sex in return. I would let him have
all the freshly baked goodies he wanted though.
10. FAVORITE DRINK? Probably orange juice. Boring but true. When I used to
actually drink it would be grain alcohol.
11. FAVORITE SPORT? TO PLAY? Baseball all the way man. I am an American
after all.
12. HAIR COLOR? Depends on which part of my body you're looking at. I've got
some variation going on. I'm sorry to say that there's not a trace of blue
anywhere though.
13. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? That's kind of personal isn't it?
14. SIBLINGS? There are rumors...
15. FAVORITE MONTH? August. It's the only where the State doesn't give me a
paid holiday. I was born on August 4th so it's also my birthday month. Maybe
they'll consider that as a new holiday?
16. FAVORITE FOOD? Hominy grits. No hesitation.
17. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? The Three Stooges vs. The Nazi Sex Queens. (Who
knew Larry had so much goin' on?)
18. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR? See #15.
19. WHAT DO YOU DO TO VENT ANGER? See #16. Mexican works really well.
20. SUMMER OR WINTER? Fall.
21. HUGS OR KISSES? Are hugs the ones with the almonds in them? I like the
almonds best.
22. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? True.
23. DO YOU WANT YOUR FRIENDS TO WRITE/ E-MAIL BACK? At some point. Sure.
Particularly if they both have my address. That would be impressive.
24. WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Both.
25. WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Both.
26. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS? Is this a trick question? I'm not answering. I
voted Green.
27. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? Ten seconds ago. When I looked to see
that I still had another 14 of these %#@$-ing questions left to answer.
28. WHAT IS UNDER YOUR BED? It should be: "Who" is under my bed and what
exactly are they doing with that watermelon?
29. WHO IS THE FRIEND YOU HAVE HAD THE LONGEST? The watermelon person. I
can't remember the name. As if that matters in this case.
30. WHAT DID YOU DO LAST NIGHT? I "entertained" a bevy of beautiful women
for hours and hours and hours. Hmmm...not. Actually I coughed a lot.
31. FAVORITE SMELL? After all that cocaine in the 70's who can smell?
32. WHAT INSPIRES YOU? Donald Trump's hair.
33. WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF? The spin cycle on the washing machine. I just
peed my pants typing the words.
34. PLAIN, BUTTERED OR SALTED POPCORN? False.
35. FAVORITE CAR? 1999 Ford Taurus sedan, green. Like the color of money.
Going down the drain. Very fast.
36. NUMBER OF KEYS ON YOUR KEY RING? Twenty-six. And I know what every damn
one of them is for. Except for the Miami Airport locker key.
37. CAN YOU JUGGLE? No but I jiggle pretty well. Ewwwwwww.
38. FAVORITE DAY OF THE WEEK? Monday. Poor Monday. Someone needs to have
Monday as the favorite. For now, its me.
39. WHAT DID YOU DO ON YOUR LAST BIRTHDAY? Had cake and ice cream with the
watermelon person. I got seeds for a gift. No card though.
40. HOW MANY STATES HAVE YOU LIVED IN? Does a Federal prison count as a
place of residence?
41. HOW MANY CITIES HAVE YOU LIVED IN? Five cities, three towns one village
and half of a hamlet.
42. HOW MANY COUNTRIES HAVE YOU LIVED IN? Jeeesh!!! Is the next question
about how many dimensions I've lived in?
43. HOW MANY COUNTRIES HAVE YOU VISITED? Ahhh very creative. You changed the
dimensions question to another countries question before I could get there.
44. HOW MANY CARS HAVE YOU HAD & WHAT WAS THE FIRST
CAR THAT YOU HAD? I've had something like 15 cars. I've lived in 3 of them.
One in another dimension. That one was blue. (The car, not the dimension.
The dimension was pink. A blue car in a pink dimension. Go figure.) My first
car was a Model-T. I'm older than dirt. I'm also done with this
questionnaire.
-GLB
1. WHAT IS YOUR FULL NAME? Gregory Lee Baker
2. WHAT COLOR PANTS ARE YOU WEARING? Flesh tone. Ooops...I'm not wearing any
pants.
3. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? My son playing Halo 2, the whine of
the dying CPU fan in my computer and hacking cough I've been suffering with
for the past week.
4. WHAT'S THE LAST THING YOU ATE? A lemon-flavored Starburst fruit chew. It
sucked. Real bad. I spit it out so I'm not sure that it counts as something
I ate. The last thing I actually swallowed was a grilled cheese sandwich.
I'm pretty sure that counts.
5. DO YOU WISH ON STARS? Only when they are spinning over my head. When my
eyes are closed.
6. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? White. It would be like I
wasn't really there.
7. HOW IS THE WEATHER RIGHT NOW? Dark.
8. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? My daughter, Kira LaFosse-Baker.
And now I have to collect all of her "things" and meet her at her mom's
house.
9. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT YOU THIS? OK...I'm back now. "Like" is
too weak. I love Ed. If I were gay I would want to marry him. Or at least
join with him in a civil union. I would stay at home and prepare new and
unique baked goods while he worked his ass off to support me. Then I would
turn him down...cold...when he expected sex in return. I would let him have
all the freshly baked goodies he wanted though.
10. FAVORITE DRINK? Probably orange juice. Boring but true. When I used to
actually drink it would be grain alcohol.
11. FAVORITE SPORT? TO PLAY? Baseball all the way man. I am an American
after all.
12. HAIR COLOR? Depends on which part of my body you're looking at. I've got
some variation going on. I'm sorry to say that there's not a trace of blue
anywhere though.
13. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? That's kind of personal isn't it?
14. SIBLINGS? There are rumors...
15. FAVORITE MONTH? August. It's the only where the State doesn't give me a
paid holiday. I was born on August 4th so it's also my birthday month. Maybe
they'll consider that as a new holiday?
16. FAVORITE FOOD? Hominy grits. No hesitation.
17. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? The Three Stooges vs. The Nazi Sex Queens. (Who
knew Larry had so much goin' on?)
18. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR? See #15.
19. WHAT DO YOU DO TO VENT ANGER? See #16. Mexican works really well.
20. SUMMER OR WINTER? Fall.
21. HUGS OR KISSES? Are hugs the ones with the almonds in them? I like the
almonds best.
22. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? True.
23. DO YOU WANT YOUR FRIENDS TO WRITE/ E-MAIL BACK? At some point. Sure.
Particularly if they both have my address. That would be impressive.
24. WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Both.
25. WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Both.
26. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS? Is this a trick question? I'm not answering. I
voted Green.
27. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? Ten seconds ago. When I looked to see
that I still had another 14 of these %#@$-ing questions left to answer.
28. WHAT IS UNDER YOUR BED? It should be: "Who" is under my bed and what
exactly are they doing with that watermelon?
29. WHO IS THE FRIEND YOU HAVE HAD THE LONGEST? The watermelon person. I
can't remember the name. As if that matters in this case.
30. WHAT DID YOU DO LAST NIGHT? I "entertained" a bevy of beautiful women
for hours and hours and hours. Hmmm...not. Actually I coughed a lot.
31. FAVORITE SMELL? After all that cocaine in the 70's who can smell?
32. WHAT INSPIRES YOU? Donald Trump's hair.
33. WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF? The spin cycle on the washing machine. I just
peed my pants typing the words.
34. PLAIN, BUTTERED OR SALTED POPCORN? False.
35. FAVORITE CAR? 1999 Ford Taurus sedan, green. Like the color of money.
Going down the drain. Very fast.
36. NUMBER OF KEYS ON YOUR KEY RING? Twenty-six. And I know what every damn
one of them is for. Except for the Miami Airport locker key.
37. CAN YOU JUGGLE? No but I jiggle pretty well. Ewwwwwww.
38. FAVORITE DAY OF THE WEEK? Monday. Poor Monday. Someone needs to have
Monday as the favorite. For now, its me.
39. WHAT DID YOU DO ON YOUR LAST BIRTHDAY? Had cake and ice cream with the
watermelon person. I got seeds for a gift. No card though.
40. HOW MANY STATES HAVE YOU LIVED IN? Does a Federal prison count as a
place of residence?
41. HOW MANY CITIES HAVE YOU LIVED IN? Five cities, three towns one village
and half of a hamlet.
42. HOW MANY COUNTRIES HAVE YOU LIVED IN? Jeeesh!!! Is the next question
about how many dimensions I've lived in?
43. HOW MANY COUNTRIES HAVE YOU VISITED? Ahhh very creative. You changed the
dimensions question to another countries question before I could get there.
44. HOW MANY CARS HAVE YOU HAD & WHAT WAS THE FIRST
CAR THAT YOU HAD? I've had something like 15 cars. I've lived in 3 of them.
One in another dimension. That one was blue. (The car, not the dimension.
The dimension was pink. A blue car in a pink dimension. Go figure.) My first
car was a Model-T. I'm older than dirt. I'm also done with this
questionnaire.
-GLB