Ninja of posers
Title: Ninja of posers
Rating: R
Pairings/Characters: Puck (Puck/Quinn)
Warnings: N/A
Word count: ~5650
Disclaimer: This Glee fanfiction is based upon the television show of the same name. All characters and situations other than my own are sole property of Ryan Murphy Productions and 20th Century Fox Television.
Summary: He puts so much effort into escaping his mundane life that Puck is basically the ninja of posers, one might say.
A/N: Title is based on Andy Partridge’s quote ‘We're horribly mundane, aggressively mundane individuals. We're the ninjas of the mundane, you might say.’ Thanks to my wonderful beta nyafangirl, who was really a great help. Originally posted here.
After his sister is born, his parents start fighting more and more. It’s possible they always fought a lot and he was just too young to notice, but now he’s eight years old and he knows that the constant bickering isn’t normal.
He’s hiding in the bathroom during a particularly loud and out-of-hand fight ; his mother hid his father’s guitars, which meant his father was unable to play a gig. He’s leaning against the toilet, the cold from the tiles seeping into his body, and he wishes his life could be like a movie. Sure, shit happens to the main character, but everything always works out for them in the end.
He thinks his life would be more like a movie if he paid more attention to the movies, television series and cartoons he watches, the songs he listens to and the things he reads. It’s what people do in movies, right? They see something on television or they read something on some flyer and suddenly they know exactly what to do, and pretty soon afterwards everyone is a happy camper. It’s a good plan, it’s natural.
He hopes he starts remembering his dreams soon, because a lot of times those also seem to be important in movies.
All he needs right now is a new name. Noah Puckerman is an okay name, but it’s not very badass and his life has to be just that.
It’s easy enough to get the kids at school to call him Puck. He only has to tell them he changed his name and everyone pretty much immediately accepts it and just goes with it.
His teachers and parents are a little bit harder to convince, so he causes trouble at school as well as at home, and ignores all names except his chosen one. Eventually, they also get with the program.
In the beginning, his new life is basically all about him pulling pranks he’s seen older kids do before, like giving people wedgies or blowing spitballs at the ceiling. He’s pretty excited when he discovers, after a few weeks into it, that Puck has a lot more friends than Noah ever did.
Things change at home when his dad leaves, running away to be a rock star. His house is suddenly very quiet. Instead of his parents shouting at each other, there’s only the soft crying of his mother when she thinks he’s asleep.
He decides that, while Noah’s father may have left, Puck’s father never even existed in the first place. It’s easier that way.
-
He’s thirteen years old when he discovers porn.
He has kissed a few girls at this point, but whirling his tongue around the tongue of some girl as fast as he can, when he can still taste the chips she ate before in her mouth and he has to be careful not to attach his braces to hers, is totally different than the stuff the people in this movie do with each other.
The girls in the movie moan and smile a lot though, so that must mean they like what’s happening, right?
He recognizes the white stuff that comes out of the guys’ cocks. He freaked out the first few times he woke up with a wet spot on his bedspread and an identical one in his boxers, where he had a hard and aching cock, but he pretty soon figured out what to do.
The feeling he gets when he comes is still as intense as it was the first time it happened while he was conscious, and it’s his favorite feeling in the whole world. It’s better than the rush of winning a football game or pulling an awesome prank on one of his neighbors, so he will do pretty much anything to chase it.
If the porn movie is anything to go by, it’s even better when there is someone else there with you.
He decides to take the porn for the message it is; watch and learn this shit and pretty soon you’ll be every girls favorite and you’ll get to come with whoever, whenever and wherever you feel like.
After a couple of months his mother eventually finds out about her son’s behavior on the internet and she decides to activate parental controls on the computer. It doesn’t really matter, because by that time he has already learned almost all there is to know about kissing, hand jobs, fingering, blowjobs, going down on girls, different positions and threesomes.
There is just one little problem. He hasn’t yet found someone willing to do any of those things - besides kissing - with him. He has practiced some of the techniques he’s seen on his hand, though, and he has watched enough close-ups to feel like he’s prepared.
Imagine his surprise when the first real life pussy he encounters doesn’t have a narrow strip of hair pointing to it, but is instead surrounded by a whole bush of curly pubes. And what’s up with those flaps of skin hanging out of it?
It’s the summer before high school. He’s fourteen years old, she’s nineteen and the babysitter of his little sister.
He’s a little hazy on the details of how exactly he ended up on the couch in his living room with his head between Lisa’s thighs, but there he is. He’s a little thrown off by the fact that what he sees in front of him doesn’t match up to the image in his head, but he also thinks that it’s now or never.
He licks over her pussy a couple of times. The taste is unfamiliar; not bad, by any means, just a little bit salty is all. She moans loudly when his tongue finds what he thinks is her clit, which makes him know for certain that he has found it. He begins to spell his full name against it with his tongue.
Kind of like he is marking her. He likes the idea of that.
After a few minutes, though she’s enjoying it as far as he can tell - judging by the way she’s moaning and wriggling above him and how she keeps pushing against his head to keep him between her legs that is - his jaw is starting to ache a little bit.
He decides to just suck on her clit instead, and that turns out to be a seriously good move. She starts moaning even loader and intensifies the grip she has on his head.
The sex that comes afterwards is mediocre at best. He doesn’t last that long, she’s basically just laying there and he doesn’t get to try out more than just plain missionary.
All in all, pretty unmemorable. What he will never forget, however, is the way she screamed his name when she came while he was going down on her and the grateful look she gave him when she settled back down.
If there is one thing the whole encounter teaches him, it’s that he likes to please woman in the bedroom almost as much as he likes getting off.
-
He isn’t lying when he tells Quinn that she’s more than just a hook up to him. It’s not so much about her though, it’s about a mission that is given to him by one Shane Omen.
Santana is officially his girlfriend, but wherever Santana goes, Brittany is too and that means he’s pretty much always outnumbered when it comes to picking the movie on date night. Ever since Quinn made head cheerleader the other two have been on a Mean Girls kick thus, by extension, so is he.
His relationship with Santana is more and more starting to feel like two bros occasionally giving each other a hand, rather than an actual, legit relationship. In public she’s doing all of the typical couple stuff, like holding hands and cuddling, with Brittany instead of with him. He only seems to come in for kissing at the lockers between classes but, since it’s summer, even that’s not happening at the moment. If he’s honest, even in private she’s doing all of those affectionate things mostly with Brittany rather than with him.
At first he was all over that because hello, threesome, but he knows that he’s fighting a lost cause on that one. They tried it one time. Santana was way too possessive over both him and Brittany. Brittany wanted to just cuddle instead. He’s still a little bitter about it, because he knows firsthand that they’re both awesome in bed, but if it’s not happening then it’s not happening. He’s not that much of an asshole.
Still, he’s just waiting for Santana to break up with him already; he knows she wants to be with Brittany instead. He knows it’s coming, but he’s not going to break up with her himself. He prefers to keep her around, at least as a friend, because she’s one kick-ass chick and he knows that that’s not going to happen if he’s the one to end their relationship. Her pride wouldn’t let her continue to be friends with him in that situation.
Because of Santana’s thing with Brittany, he doesn’t feel too bad about the fact that his eye is wandering a lot and that he occasionally hooks up with other girls (and cougars).
It’s during the third re-watch of the movie that it hits him.
As far as he knows they’re watching it because the girls indentify themselves with the three original mean girls in it. The comparison is a little off to him - Quinn easily resembles bitchy leader Regina and it’s true that Brittany sometimes has moments like the really dumb one, but Santana is no lapdog - but he’ll roll with it.
Finn could be that Aaron guy, because he too doesn’t understand Math, is athletic and is basically an all around good guy most of the time.
These are all things he concluded the first time they watched the movie, but now he can also see where he fits in. He could totally be Shane Omen, the guy Regina hooks up with behind her boyfriend Aaron’s back and with whom she eventually has a relationship.
Granted, nowhere in the movie it’s said that Aaron and Shane are best friends, but they could have been, right?
The sex itself is pretty vanilla, but it’s not like he really expected anything else, what with her being a virgin and all. After the initial discomfort, he can tell she’s really getting into it.
If anyone ever asked, he would say she enjoyed it because he’s just that damn good. Since it’s a barefaced lie, he thinks it has more to do with the fact that it can be pretty satisfying for your ego to know you turn someone on.
Regardless, she exceeds his expectations by a long shot and he’s getting more and more excited about this new project.
Weeks later, when Quinn turns out to be pregnant, he’s upset because she’s going to get fat , and the reason isn’t something cool like the new girl slipping her protein bars, but because he was so overjoyed he was completing phase one of his mission that he forgot to put on a condom.
But you know what, Shane was totally right when he kept hitting that even after she got fat, because Regina was still the hottest thing at that whole school in the movie. So is Quinn at his school and that’s why he’s going to continue to pursuing her.
Besides you don’t really see them rolling around until after the break up, so that gives him high hopes for his chances after Finn finds out the truth.
-
He joins Glee to keep tabs on Quinn, and he expects there to be a lot of weird vibes; most of the members of Glee are those he torments on a regular basis. He’s kind of relieved when nothing happens, but also kind of let down at the lack of reaction.
He’s not going to be all noble and shit, and say that he only started bullying people in the first place because he was hoping for a real life Revenge of the Nerds, but it was part of the reason.
That movie is old as fuck - he wasn’t even born when it came out - but it’s one of the few movies he remembers actually seeing with both of his parents without them fighting during the whole thing. That makes it automatically kick-ass in his mind.
He kind of figured that there should be someone tormenting the nerds - otherwise they wouldn’t need to take revenge on anyone - and why wouldn’t that someone be him? It’s not like he’s going to let them actually beat him when it comes down to it.
For him the bullying is mostly about being a part of something though. It’s not really about the people he tosses in the dumpster or that he throws pee balloons on or whatever the fuck else, it’s about coming up with new ways to create trouble with his friends while they avoid getting caught.
It’s basically a bonding experience.
He prefers to keep it a little impersonal, so for him it’s more about doing things to people than saying stuff to them. He’s not really into name-calling anyways. There are only so much times you can call someone a freak before it becomes ineffective and they just don’t care about it anymore. Cleaning yourself off in the bathroom because he threw a slushie on you, on the other hand, will be an annoying hassle and a pretty much overall horrible experience every single time.
Nerds are also always pretty smart and it’s not like he isn’t aware that he’s more brawn than brains, so they most likely can come up with better insults to say to him than he ever could the other way around.
His bullying of the people in glee club doesn’t really seem to make a difference when he joins in. It’s like there’s some magical erase button at play that makes all twelve of them not exactly friends - it’s not like he would even want that - but not really enemies either.
He decides to at least lay off of them in any case, since they’re team mates now and all.
He’s actually pretty stoked they don’t seem to want him to apologize, especially since he’s not feeling particularly sorry about it. He bullied them and now he doesn’t. End of story.
-
Or not. He’s not amused when the story continues because the first time in his life he actually remembers a dream, that dream is about Rachel Berry.
It’s not entirely true, because he did join a fight club after a dream in which he was beating himself up after he heard about Quinn’s pregnancy, but that time he could only remember some flashes. This time he remembers the whole damn thing.
He doesn’t particularly like it, but it’s also a sign he can’t very well ignore. It’s what his eight-year-old self wanted after all; a dream to tell him what to do.
Rachel is the only girl he’s ever bullied and she’s also the only one he bullied because of something personal. He thinks that’s pretty obvious, because come on, everyone with eyes can see that she’s a good-looking girl and, like with every (good-looking) girl, he would usually be all about hooking up with her.
The two of them grew up together, their families go to the same temple, but he hasn’t liked Rachel since third grade, when she refused to call him Puck. She said it was polite to refer to someone by their first name, but, in his opinion, it’s pretty rude not to refer to someone by the name they want to go by.
After that he was pretty indifferent towards her, until she began giving him compliments in a way that was really not complimentary at all. After temple she would ask about his score on some math test for example and when he’d tell her, she would say shit like that he did well but ‘obviously not as outstanding as she would have done, considering her vast dedication to her academic achievements’.
That’s when the slushie baths started.
Now that he’s stopped with that, he can see that maybe she was already being bullied a lot - if only because she has two gay dads in this shit-hole of a town - and was only trying to protect herself, but since she’s a grade below him, he didn’t really see her at school all that much. The only thing he saw was a conceited little girl who was trying to make him feel bad about himself.
All that history makes him think that it’s going to be close to impossible to carry this one off. To say he’s surprised when she’s on top of him on her bed three days later, would be an understatement.
The rest of the week he finds himself singing a solo in Glee - for her in particular, no less; he gets slushied; he’s apologizing to Rachel and more importantly - or surprisingly, he’s not sure - he’s sincere about it; and on top of all that, he’s choosing Glee over football.
His life is threatening to go off into an alternative universe, so when she breaks up with him for Finn he thinks that that’s more like it. In the end he comes to the conclusion that maybe he interpreted the sign totally the wrong way. Maybe that dream was only trying to tell him that he should apologize to Rachel.
Even if that’s not true, he’s going to stick with it, because trying to get involved with two chicks who are both in love with his best friend? Not even badass in the slightest.
-
Months later, after his Mohawk gets shaven off, a couple of nerds band together and throw him in the dumpster for a change. On the outside he’s scowling, but on the inside he’s smiling and getting excited, because this could mean it’s finally coming. Revenge of the nerds.
The slushie to his face that one time came from his football teammates because of Tanaka’s ultimatum, but the nerds tossing him in the dumpster is payback. Jacob said as much himself.
A few days later, he’s smiling on the outside, but scowling on the inside. What a fucking waste. He was getting prepared, even got himself a new girlfriend, but they’re already backing down. He decides to do one last, epic, dumpster toss.
He lets the nerds line themselves up in front of the dumpster, before he gets two of his buddies to toss them in one by one. It makes Mercedes break up with him, but he can’t really get himself to care too much about that. He digs her attitude in Glee, but let’s get real, at the beginning of the week he wasn’t even sure about her name.
He’s done with all this bullying bullshit. It’s getting boring and the reasons why he initially started doing it don’t really hold up anymore. He has enough friends, and apparently it’s also not fucking likely that that whole revenge plot is taking place anytime soon.
He’s not ready to totally let the idea of nerds taking revenge go, though. Maybe Kurt had a point when he always told them he would get back at them in the future when they all come to work for him. That’s obviously not going to happen if Kurt decides to go do something fruity like starting a fashion magazine or something, but if he takes over his dad’s garage? Yeah, then Puck would say it’s a pretty damn good possibility.
-
He doesn’t really get why Quinn feels like she has to move out of his house. She says it’s because of his mother, that she doesn’t feel welcome, but he thinks that’s bullshit since his mother is the one who took Quinn into her home when she had nowhere to go. That’s a hell of a lot more than Quinn can say about her own parents.
It’s possible there is some sort of psychological war going on between Quinn and his mother and that he just doesn’t understand it, but he doesn’t think that’s the case here either. It’s probably about him.
To his disappointment, the fact that she can’t get knocked up with his kid any more than she already is, hasn’t made Quinn more enthusiastic about letting him fuck her again. Or to try being a couple with him, for that matter.
Though that doesn’t stop her from getting pissed whenever a girl shows an interest in him (or the other way around). It is the whole ‘sexting with Santana’ incident over and over again. He apparently doesn’t have the right to do anything with another girl, but at the same time there is no prospect of actually getting any from Quinn either.
First she was set on staying with Finn, no matter what. After the secret came out, she persisted on doing everything on her own. He hasn’t even been allowed to attend one god damn doctor’s appointment. Seeing to her cravings, that’s all he’s good for, apparently.
Until he sings Kiss’s Beth in Glee practice. That’s when things start to change. Now she calls him over whenever the baby kicks, and puts his hand on her stomach to let him feel it too. She’s a lot nicer to him now. Before, she would roll her eyes as soon as he opened his mouth, now she actually listens to what he has to say. He still hasn’t been to a doctor’s appointment, but she has promised he can come to the next one.
Very recently, they’ve started a new routine. Quinn rubs her stomach with lotion every night before she goes to bed. To prevent stretch marks she says. Two nights ago she asked him to do it for her. The whole thing kind of makes him feel like a pussy, but it’s also weirdly nice to have these moments with her.
She tells him she’s moving in with Mercedes while he is rubbing lotion on her stomach. He decides just to continue with what he’s doing, because he honestly doesn’t know how to react.
He’s so busy thinking about the past couple of months and why she’s doing this just as everything seems to be getting better between the two of them, that he doesn’t realize his hands keep rubbing the same spot over and over again. Then he hears her gasp, and realizes how close that spot is to her panties. Before he can take his hands off of her, though, she takes one of his hands and slides it down to the crotch of her panties. Completely soaked. Here he is thinking about doctor’s appointments and psychological wars while she’s getting turned on. His eyes find hers, and she must read the silent question in them, because she just nods, a shy smile appearing on her face. He dips two of his fingers under the elastic of her panties and slides them into her while his thumb finds her clit. With his other hand he brings her head to his and kisses her, hand tangling into her hair. She’s quickly moaning into his mouth, as he keeps working his fingers in an easy, steady rhythm.
Hell yeah, he’s finally experiencing the pregnancy hormones that make women horny, instead of the ones that make them bitchy. They slowly undress each other, kissing all the while. He goes through his drawer for a condom, figuring they might as well do it right this time.
They fumble around on the bed a little bit, trying to decide on a position where her pregnant stomach doesn’t get in the way. Eventually, they settle on him spooning behind her, but she won’t let him touch her boobs, complaining that they’re too sensitive. He doesn’t really want to touch her stomach either, not with the knowledge of what’s growing inside, so he’s at a bit of a loss as to where to put his hands. This position has never been one of his favorites - if he’s doing it from behind, he likes it doggy style, hard and fast - and he’s now remembering why. It’s so hard to tell what the girl’s feeling when he can’t see her face. Especially a girl like Quinn, who barely speaks during sex. How’s a guy supposed to know if she’s enjoying herself?
When he slides into her, his hands fall onto her hips, and he has to remind himself to be gentle; this is only her second time, ever. She turns her head to look at him, making him realize he’s spoken the words out loud. Instead of responding, he pushes further in.
Her pussy is so tight, he wonders how their baby girl is ever going to come out of that. He quickly pushes that thought away, because he’s sure his dick will go limp if he keeps thinking about it. Instead, he focuses on Quinn; how she smells, the sounds she makes, how she feels. He’s imprinting it all into his memory, because he doesn’t know if this will ever happen again. Turns out he didn’t need to worry about her enjoying herself. Though she’s by no means vocal, in the silence of his bedroom her moans and gasps are amplified. She definitely loves this, even more when he threads a hand through her curls to press on her clit.
After what feels like forever, and at the same time just a second, it’s over. He collapses against her back, and one final twitch of his finger sends her over the edge after him. While her back is still turned, he ties a knot in the condom and sends it sailing straight into his bin. He shouldn’t be proud of the skill, and definitely doesn’t want her finding out about it, but the perfect shot still brings a smile to his face.
Quinn curls into him after he has pulled the sheets over them, and pretty soon her breathing evens out. Before he falls asleep, he thinks that, although she probably will still move out tomorrow, he’s really glad this happened.
The next day, right before she leaves, she tells him she has to move out before she starts wanting things she can’t have again.
Then she’s gone.
He wonders what kind of things she’s talking about. They still haven’t picked adoptive parents for Beth. Maybe she wants to keep her? He stops himself before he gets his hopes up… any more than they already are.
-
It’s seven weeks after they gave their baby girl away to Shelby, and he’s hanging out with Quinn at his house. His mother and sister are away for the weekend, visiting some relatives in Columbus, so it’s just the two of them.
It’s weird how it started out as him only wanting her because she resembled a character in a movie, and now he actually respects her and shit for who she is as a person.
Especially since he watched her giving birth to his daughter. He peeked under the sheets, all right. That shit must have been extremely painful, he winced just looking at it, but Quinn just kept at it without asking for any medication.
Besides Quinn, he hasn’t really seen any of his other friends since summer break started. He would like to say that he’s only pretending to be feeling down, because that’s the policy in movies after someone experiences a life-altering event, but he’s actually legitimately feeling sad all the damn time now.
There’s been some kissing between him and Quinn, but they haven’t really talked about defining them yet. Just like they still haven’t really addressed his I love you in the hospital, after Beth was born.
He’s lounging around on the couch, watching a rerun of some reality show that Quinn wanted to see. He agreed to it because it’s easier to watch other people’s life sucking ass than to deal with their own shitty reality. Just as he’s starting to wonder what’s taking her so long on the toilet, Quinn calls for him.
He likes girls (and women) who boss him around a little bit. He has this pesky little insecurity that maybe he wasn’t good enough for his dad and that that’s the real reason he left. No matter how often he tells himself that he never had a dad to begin with, it still plays up from time to time.
When a girl demands he does something for her, it makes him feel reassured that he is, in fact, needed and wanted by someone. On top of that, it’s pretty much always the best way to get into her pants when you do shit for a girl.
In his experience, it’s basically pretty much win all around when you do what the girl you like tells you to do. When he hears Quinn calling for him, he’s letting himself get excited at the prospect that maybe, if he helps her out with whatever she wants from him right now, he’s finally going to get some again.
He’s busy thinking about all the different position he’s going to take her in, so he’s totally unprepared to find her sitting on the toilet with blood practically everywhere. Holy fuck!
She’s a quivering mess, explaining to him that it’s her first period since the pregnancy and that while she had read that there could be more blood than usual, she still hadn’t expected this. Well, you can count him surprised too. He’s trying not to show how freaked out he really is when he leads her to the bathroom upstairs.
He makes sure she gets into the shower alright, before he goes into his room and takes one of his older, smaller shirts and a pair of shorts out of the closet. Then he goes to his mother’s room to search for some sanitary napkins and a clean pair of panties. It’s a very disturbing thought that his girl is going to be walking around in his mother’s underwear, but he can’t very well leave her all alone right now to buy her something new, can he?
Quinn is still in the shower when he goes to the downstairs toilet, various cleaning supplies and a toilet brush in his hand, prepared to clean everything up. Suddenly the walls are closing in on him and he feels like he can’t breathe.
It’s not like he didn’t realize that Beth was gone. Hello, he was there when she was born; he signed the adoption papers. It’s just the first time he really lets himself acknowledge the fact that she’s never coming back. That it’s really all over. He’s not going to be a real father. Quinn isn’t pregnant anymore.
That last thought is ridiculous because again, he was there when Beth came into the world, but Quinn having her period makes it all final and real somehow.
He has spent so many years trying to make his life more like a movie that at some point he has become detached from his real life. Whenever something happens to him now, he doesn’t let himself think about how it makes him feel, instead he thinks about what Puck would do to keep the audience interested and then he proceeds to act accordingly. He doesn’t even know who that audience is supposed to be anymore. It used to be only him.
He thinks about various decisions he’s made in the past, based on the fact of how those decisions often turn out in a movie. It never quite works out like he imagines it in his mind.
Take joining the football team for example. He isn’t the star player and there will never suddenly be a scout watching him play, who then will be so impressed that he immediately offers him a scholarship for a fancy university. The reality is that their football team sucks and there’s no way it’s going to get him out of this town.
Or serenading a girl in public. Movies let you believe it’s one of the most romantic things a boy can do for the girl he wants to date or get her to forgive him after he has done something stupid. The couple kisses, the camera pans out, and everyone lives happily ever after. The two girls he has serenaded in real life, however, both broke up with him mere days afterwards.
Maybe it’s time for him to stop taking advice from movies.
There’s only one instance that springs to his mind, where imitating movies did deliver his intended results. Ironically, he’s not that happy about those results anymore. Porn movies did help him become popular with girls, but they mostly only like what he can do, not who he is.
Quinn finds him sitting on the toilet, staring off into space. She gently shakes him by the shoulder, and he dazedly looks around the tiny room. He has no recollection of him actually cleaning everything up, but he must have done it at some point, because there’s not even a drop of blood visible on the surface.
Then he lets himself look at her. She is so painstakingly beautiful and so unbelievably real, standing there before him. His hand is actually shaking when he reaches out to her. He tugs at her until she sits across his lap, with one leg at either side of his, and then pushes their foreheads together.
She blinks back tears when she tells him that she only now fully realizes that Beth is gone. She’s wondering aloud how that’s possible since she’s the one who carried her for nine months and gave birth to her. He’s only wondering how she can be so perfect. In general really, but specifically for him.
He isn’t exactly sure who he is without the safety of his Puck persona, but he thinks that maybe they can work it out somehow. Together.
-
ABOUT THE FIC THAT YOU ARE REQUESTING
Character(s) or pairing(s): P/Q, or P/R, or F/R, or Wemma.
Do you prefer R or NC-17 smut?: Don't care, but nothing sick.
Prompts (minimum of 3, no maximum!):
1. The Vlogbrothers
2. toilet brush
3. Hanson's song "Kiss Me When You Come Home"
Things you DON’T want in your story (kinks or sex acts that gross you out, characters you despise, etc.): No Anal sex, no snowballing, no coming on faces, no doggy style, nothing mysogonistic, no mentioning of Manga or Anime(yep that's a squick), please don't make the sex baseless, AKA, no Porn Without Plot, I really like fic where the focus is the story and the sex is secondary.
Rating: R
Pairings/Characters: Puck (Puck/Quinn)
Warnings: N/A
Word count: ~5650
Disclaimer: This Glee fanfiction is based upon the television show of the same name. All characters and situations other than my own are sole property of Ryan Murphy Productions and 20th Century Fox Television.
Summary: He puts so much effort into escaping his mundane life that Puck is basically the ninja of posers, one might say.
A/N: Title is based on Andy Partridge’s quote ‘We're horribly mundane, aggressively mundane individuals. We're the ninjas of the mundane, you might say.’ Thanks to my wonderful beta nyafangirl, who was really a great help. Originally posted here.
After his sister is born, his parents start fighting more and more. It’s possible they always fought a lot and he was just too young to notice, but now he’s eight years old and he knows that the constant bickering isn’t normal.
He’s hiding in the bathroom during a particularly loud and out-of-hand fight ; his mother hid his father’s guitars, which meant his father was unable to play a gig. He’s leaning against the toilet, the cold from the tiles seeping into his body, and he wishes his life could be like a movie. Sure, shit happens to the main character, but everything always works out for them in the end.
He thinks his life would be more like a movie if he paid more attention to the movies, television series and cartoons he watches, the songs he listens to and the things he reads. It’s what people do in movies, right? They see something on television or they read something on some flyer and suddenly they know exactly what to do, and pretty soon afterwards everyone is a happy camper. It’s a good plan, it’s natural.
He hopes he starts remembering his dreams soon, because a lot of times those also seem to be important in movies.
All he needs right now is a new name. Noah Puckerman is an okay name, but it’s not very badass and his life has to be just that.
It’s easy enough to get the kids at school to call him Puck. He only has to tell them he changed his name and everyone pretty much immediately accepts it and just goes with it.
His teachers and parents are a little bit harder to convince, so he causes trouble at school as well as at home, and ignores all names except his chosen one. Eventually, they also get with the program.
In the beginning, his new life is basically all about him pulling pranks he’s seen older kids do before, like giving people wedgies or blowing spitballs at the ceiling. He’s pretty excited when he discovers, after a few weeks into it, that Puck has a lot more friends than Noah ever did.
Things change at home when his dad leaves, running away to be a rock star. His house is suddenly very quiet. Instead of his parents shouting at each other, there’s only the soft crying of his mother when she thinks he’s asleep.
He decides that, while Noah’s father may have left, Puck’s father never even existed in the first place. It’s easier that way.
-
He’s thirteen years old when he discovers porn.
He has kissed a few girls at this point, but whirling his tongue around the tongue of some girl as fast as he can, when he can still taste the chips she ate before in her mouth and he has to be careful not to attach his braces to hers, is totally different than the stuff the people in this movie do with each other.
The girls in the movie moan and smile a lot though, so that must mean they like what’s happening, right?
He recognizes the white stuff that comes out of the guys’ cocks. He freaked out the first few times he woke up with a wet spot on his bedspread and an identical one in his boxers, where he had a hard and aching cock, but he pretty soon figured out what to do.
The feeling he gets when he comes is still as intense as it was the first time it happened while he was conscious, and it’s his favorite feeling in the whole world. It’s better than the rush of winning a football game or pulling an awesome prank on one of his neighbors, so he will do pretty much anything to chase it.
If the porn movie is anything to go by, it’s even better when there is someone else there with you.
He decides to take the porn for the message it is; watch and learn this shit and pretty soon you’ll be every girls favorite and you’ll get to come with whoever, whenever and wherever you feel like.
After a couple of months his mother eventually finds out about her son’s behavior on the internet and she decides to activate parental controls on the computer. It doesn’t really matter, because by that time he has already learned almost all there is to know about kissing, hand jobs, fingering, blowjobs, going down on girls, different positions and threesomes.
There is just one little problem. He hasn’t yet found someone willing to do any of those things - besides kissing - with him. He has practiced some of the techniques he’s seen on his hand, though, and he has watched enough close-ups to feel like he’s prepared.
Imagine his surprise when the first real life pussy he encounters doesn’t have a narrow strip of hair pointing to it, but is instead surrounded by a whole bush of curly pubes. And what’s up with those flaps of skin hanging out of it?
It’s the summer before high school. He’s fourteen years old, she’s nineteen and the babysitter of his little sister.
He’s a little hazy on the details of how exactly he ended up on the couch in his living room with his head between Lisa’s thighs, but there he is. He’s a little thrown off by the fact that what he sees in front of him doesn’t match up to the image in his head, but he also thinks that it’s now or never.
He licks over her pussy a couple of times. The taste is unfamiliar; not bad, by any means, just a little bit salty is all. She moans loudly when his tongue finds what he thinks is her clit, which makes him know for certain that he has found it. He begins to spell his full name against it with his tongue.
Kind of like he is marking her. He likes the idea of that.
After a few minutes, though she’s enjoying it as far as he can tell - judging by the way she’s moaning and wriggling above him and how she keeps pushing against his head to keep him between her legs that is - his jaw is starting to ache a little bit.
He decides to just suck on her clit instead, and that turns out to be a seriously good move. She starts moaning even loader and intensifies the grip she has on his head.
The sex that comes afterwards is mediocre at best. He doesn’t last that long, she’s basically just laying there and he doesn’t get to try out more than just plain missionary.
All in all, pretty unmemorable. What he will never forget, however, is the way she screamed his name when she came while he was going down on her and the grateful look she gave him when she settled back down.
If there is one thing the whole encounter teaches him, it’s that he likes to please woman in the bedroom almost as much as he likes getting off.
-
He isn’t lying when he tells Quinn that she’s more than just a hook up to him. It’s not so much about her though, it’s about a mission that is given to him by one Shane Omen.
Santana is officially his girlfriend, but wherever Santana goes, Brittany is too and that means he’s pretty much always outnumbered when it comes to picking the movie on date night. Ever since Quinn made head cheerleader the other two have been on a Mean Girls kick thus, by extension, so is he.
His relationship with Santana is more and more starting to feel like two bros occasionally giving each other a hand, rather than an actual, legit relationship. In public she’s doing all of the typical couple stuff, like holding hands and cuddling, with Brittany instead of with him. He only seems to come in for kissing at the lockers between classes but, since it’s summer, even that’s not happening at the moment. If he’s honest, even in private she’s doing all of those affectionate things mostly with Brittany rather than with him.
At first he was all over that because hello, threesome, but he knows that he’s fighting a lost cause on that one. They tried it one time. Santana was way too possessive over both him and Brittany. Brittany wanted to just cuddle instead. He’s still a little bitter about it, because he knows firsthand that they’re both awesome in bed, but if it’s not happening then it’s not happening. He’s not that much of an asshole.
Still, he’s just waiting for Santana to break up with him already; he knows she wants to be with Brittany instead. He knows it’s coming, but he’s not going to break up with her himself. He prefers to keep her around, at least as a friend, because she’s one kick-ass chick and he knows that that’s not going to happen if he’s the one to end their relationship. Her pride wouldn’t let her continue to be friends with him in that situation.
Because of Santana’s thing with Brittany, he doesn’t feel too bad about the fact that his eye is wandering a lot and that he occasionally hooks up with other girls (and cougars).
It’s during the third re-watch of the movie that it hits him.
As far as he knows they’re watching it because the girls indentify themselves with the three original mean girls in it. The comparison is a little off to him - Quinn easily resembles bitchy leader Regina and it’s true that Brittany sometimes has moments like the really dumb one, but Santana is no lapdog - but he’ll roll with it.
Finn could be that Aaron guy, because he too doesn’t understand Math, is athletic and is basically an all around good guy most of the time.
These are all things he concluded the first time they watched the movie, but now he can also see where he fits in. He could totally be Shane Omen, the guy Regina hooks up with behind her boyfriend Aaron’s back and with whom she eventually has a relationship.
Granted, nowhere in the movie it’s said that Aaron and Shane are best friends, but they could have been, right?
The sex itself is pretty vanilla, but it’s not like he really expected anything else, what with her being a virgin and all. After the initial discomfort, he can tell she’s really getting into it.
If anyone ever asked, he would say she enjoyed it because he’s just that damn good. Since it’s a barefaced lie, he thinks it has more to do with the fact that it can be pretty satisfying for your ego to know you turn someone on.
Regardless, she exceeds his expectations by a long shot and he’s getting more and more excited about this new project.
Weeks later, when Quinn turns out to be pregnant, he’s upset because she’s going to get fat , and the reason isn’t something cool like the new girl slipping her protein bars, but because he was so overjoyed he was completing phase one of his mission that he forgot to put on a condom.
But you know what, Shane was totally right when he kept hitting that even after she got fat, because Regina was still the hottest thing at that whole school in the movie. So is Quinn at his school and that’s why he’s going to continue to pursuing her.
Besides you don’t really see them rolling around until after the break up, so that gives him high hopes for his chances after Finn finds out the truth.
-
He joins Glee to keep tabs on Quinn, and he expects there to be a lot of weird vibes; most of the members of Glee are those he torments on a regular basis. He’s kind of relieved when nothing happens, but also kind of let down at the lack of reaction.
He’s not going to be all noble and shit, and say that he only started bullying people in the first place because he was hoping for a real life Revenge of the Nerds, but it was part of the reason.
That movie is old as fuck - he wasn’t even born when it came out - but it’s one of the few movies he remembers actually seeing with both of his parents without them fighting during the whole thing. That makes it automatically kick-ass in his mind.
He kind of figured that there should be someone tormenting the nerds - otherwise they wouldn’t need to take revenge on anyone - and why wouldn’t that someone be him? It’s not like he’s going to let them actually beat him when it comes down to it.
For him the bullying is mostly about being a part of something though. It’s not really about the people he tosses in the dumpster or that he throws pee balloons on or whatever the fuck else, it’s about coming up with new ways to create trouble with his friends while they avoid getting caught.
It’s basically a bonding experience.
He prefers to keep it a little impersonal, so for him it’s more about doing things to people than saying stuff to them. He’s not really into name-calling anyways. There are only so much times you can call someone a freak before it becomes ineffective and they just don’t care about it anymore. Cleaning yourself off in the bathroom because he threw a slushie on you, on the other hand, will be an annoying hassle and a pretty much overall horrible experience every single time.
Nerds are also always pretty smart and it’s not like he isn’t aware that he’s more brawn than brains, so they most likely can come up with better insults to say to him than he ever could the other way around.
His bullying of the people in glee club doesn’t really seem to make a difference when he joins in. It’s like there’s some magical erase button at play that makes all twelve of them not exactly friends - it’s not like he would even want that - but not really enemies either.
He decides to at least lay off of them in any case, since they’re team mates now and all.
He’s actually pretty stoked they don’t seem to want him to apologize, especially since he’s not feeling particularly sorry about it. He bullied them and now he doesn’t. End of story.
-
Or not. He’s not amused when the story continues because the first time in his life he actually remembers a dream, that dream is about Rachel Berry.
It’s not entirely true, because he did join a fight club after a dream in which he was beating himself up after he heard about Quinn’s pregnancy, but that time he could only remember some flashes. This time he remembers the whole damn thing.
He doesn’t particularly like it, but it’s also a sign he can’t very well ignore. It’s what his eight-year-old self wanted after all; a dream to tell him what to do.
Rachel is the only girl he’s ever bullied and she’s also the only one he bullied because of something personal. He thinks that’s pretty obvious, because come on, everyone with eyes can see that she’s a good-looking girl and, like with every (good-looking) girl, he would usually be all about hooking up with her.
The two of them grew up together, their families go to the same temple, but he hasn’t liked Rachel since third grade, when she refused to call him Puck. She said it was polite to refer to someone by their first name, but, in his opinion, it’s pretty rude not to refer to someone by the name they want to go by.
After that he was pretty indifferent towards her, until she began giving him compliments in a way that was really not complimentary at all. After temple she would ask about his score on some math test for example and when he’d tell her, she would say shit like that he did well but ‘obviously not as outstanding as she would have done, considering her vast dedication to her academic achievements’.
That’s when the slushie baths started.
Now that he’s stopped with that, he can see that maybe she was already being bullied a lot - if only because she has two gay dads in this shit-hole of a town - and was only trying to protect herself, but since she’s a grade below him, he didn’t really see her at school all that much. The only thing he saw was a conceited little girl who was trying to make him feel bad about himself.
All that history makes him think that it’s going to be close to impossible to carry this one off. To say he’s surprised when she’s on top of him on her bed three days later, would be an understatement.
The rest of the week he finds himself singing a solo in Glee - for her in particular, no less; he gets slushied; he’s apologizing to Rachel and more importantly - or surprisingly, he’s not sure - he’s sincere about it; and on top of all that, he’s choosing Glee over football.
His life is threatening to go off into an alternative universe, so when she breaks up with him for Finn he thinks that that’s more like it. In the end he comes to the conclusion that maybe he interpreted the sign totally the wrong way. Maybe that dream was only trying to tell him that he should apologize to Rachel.
Even if that’s not true, he’s going to stick with it, because trying to get involved with two chicks who are both in love with his best friend? Not even badass in the slightest.
-
Months later, after his Mohawk gets shaven off, a couple of nerds band together and throw him in the dumpster for a change. On the outside he’s scowling, but on the inside he’s smiling and getting excited, because this could mean it’s finally coming. Revenge of the nerds.
The slushie to his face that one time came from his football teammates because of Tanaka’s ultimatum, but the nerds tossing him in the dumpster is payback. Jacob said as much himself.
A few days later, he’s smiling on the outside, but scowling on the inside. What a fucking waste. He was getting prepared, even got himself a new girlfriend, but they’re already backing down. He decides to do one last, epic, dumpster toss.
He lets the nerds line themselves up in front of the dumpster, before he gets two of his buddies to toss them in one by one. It makes Mercedes break up with him, but he can’t really get himself to care too much about that. He digs her attitude in Glee, but let’s get real, at the beginning of the week he wasn’t even sure about her name.
He’s done with all this bullying bullshit. It’s getting boring and the reasons why he initially started doing it don’t really hold up anymore. He has enough friends, and apparently it’s also not fucking likely that that whole revenge plot is taking place anytime soon.
He’s not ready to totally let the idea of nerds taking revenge go, though. Maybe Kurt had a point when he always told them he would get back at them in the future when they all come to work for him. That’s obviously not going to happen if Kurt decides to go do something fruity like starting a fashion magazine or something, but if he takes over his dad’s garage? Yeah, then Puck would say it’s a pretty damn good possibility.
-
He doesn’t really get why Quinn feels like she has to move out of his house. She says it’s because of his mother, that she doesn’t feel welcome, but he thinks that’s bullshit since his mother is the one who took Quinn into her home when she had nowhere to go. That’s a hell of a lot more than Quinn can say about her own parents.
It’s possible there is some sort of psychological war going on between Quinn and his mother and that he just doesn’t understand it, but he doesn’t think that’s the case here either. It’s probably about him.
To his disappointment, the fact that she can’t get knocked up with his kid any more than she already is, hasn’t made Quinn more enthusiastic about letting him fuck her again. Or to try being a couple with him, for that matter.
Though that doesn’t stop her from getting pissed whenever a girl shows an interest in him (or the other way around). It is the whole ‘sexting with Santana’ incident over and over again. He apparently doesn’t have the right to do anything with another girl, but at the same time there is no prospect of actually getting any from Quinn either.
First she was set on staying with Finn, no matter what. After the secret came out, she persisted on doing everything on her own. He hasn’t even been allowed to attend one god damn doctor’s appointment. Seeing to her cravings, that’s all he’s good for, apparently.
Until he sings Kiss’s Beth in Glee practice. That’s when things start to change. Now she calls him over whenever the baby kicks, and puts his hand on her stomach to let him feel it too. She’s a lot nicer to him now. Before, she would roll her eyes as soon as he opened his mouth, now she actually listens to what he has to say. He still hasn’t been to a doctor’s appointment, but she has promised he can come to the next one.
Very recently, they’ve started a new routine. Quinn rubs her stomach with lotion every night before she goes to bed. To prevent stretch marks she says. Two nights ago she asked him to do it for her. The whole thing kind of makes him feel like a pussy, but it’s also weirdly nice to have these moments with her.
She tells him she’s moving in with Mercedes while he is rubbing lotion on her stomach. He decides just to continue with what he’s doing, because he honestly doesn’t know how to react.
He’s so busy thinking about the past couple of months and why she’s doing this just as everything seems to be getting better between the two of them, that he doesn’t realize his hands keep rubbing the same spot over and over again. Then he hears her gasp, and realizes how close that spot is to her panties. Before he can take his hands off of her, though, she takes one of his hands and slides it down to the crotch of her panties. Completely soaked. Here he is thinking about doctor’s appointments and psychological wars while she’s getting turned on. His eyes find hers, and she must read the silent question in them, because she just nods, a shy smile appearing on her face. He dips two of his fingers under the elastic of her panties and slides them into her while his thumb finds her clit. With his other hand he brings her head to his and kisses her, hand tangling into her hair. She’s quickly moaning into his mouth, as he keeps working his fingers in an easy, steady rhythm.
Hell yeah, he’s finally experiencing the pregnancy hormones that make women horny, instead of the ones that make them bitchy. They slowly undress each other, kissing all the while. He goes through his drawer for a condom, figuring they might as well do it right this time.
They fumble around on the bed a little bit, trying to decide on a position where her pregnant stomach doesn’t get in the way. Eventually, they settle on him spooning behind her, but she won’t let him touch her boobs, complaining that they’re too sensitive. He doesn’t really want to touch her stomach either, not with the knowledge of what’s growing inside, so he’s at a bit of a loss as to where to put his hands. This position has never been one of his favorites - if he’s doing it from behind, he likes it doggy style, hard and fast - and he’s now remembering why. It’s so hard to tell what the girl’s feeling when he can’t see her face. Especially a girl like Quinn, who barely speaks during sex. How’s a guy supposed to know if she’s enjoying herself?
When he slides into her, his hands fall onto her hips, and he has to remind himself to be gentle; this is only her second time, ever. She turns her head to look at him, making him realize he’s spoken the words out loud. Instead of responding, he pushes further in.
Her pussy is so tight, he wonders how their baby girl is ever going to come out of that. He quickly pushes that thought away, because he’s sure his dick will go limp if he keeps thinking about it. Instead, he focuses on Quinn; how she smells, the sounds she makes, how she feels. He’s imprinting it all into his memory, because he doesn’t know if this will ever happen again. Turns out he didn’t need to worry about her enjoying herself. Though she’s by no means vocal, in the silence of his bedroom her moans and gasps are amplified. She definitely loves this, even more when he threads a hand through her curls to press on her clit.
After what feels like forever, and at the same time just a second, it’s over. He collapses against her back, and one final twitch of his finger sends her over the edge after him. While her back is still turned, he ties a knot in the condom and sends it sailing straight into his bin. He shouldn’t be proud of the skill, and definitely doesn’t want her finding out about it, but the perfect shot still brings a smile to his face.
Quinn curls into him after he has pulled the sheets over them, and pretty soon her breathing evens out. Before he falls asleep, he thinks that, although she probably will still move out tomorrow, he’s really glad this happened.
The next day, right before she leaves, she tells him she has to move out before she starts wanting things she can’t have again.
Then she’s gone.
He wonders what kind of things she’s talking about. They still haven’t picked adoptive parents for Beth. Maybe she wants to keep her? He stops himself before he gets his hopes up… any more than they already are.
-
It’s seven weeks after they gave their baby girl away to Shelby, and he’s hanging out with Quinn at his house. His mother and sister are away for the weekend, visiting some relatives in Columbus, so it’s just the two of them.
It’s weird how it started out as him only wanting her because she resembled a character in a movie, and now he actually respects her and shit for who she is as a person.
Especially since he watched her giving birth to his daughter. He peeked under the sheets, all right. That shit must have been extremely painful, he winced just looking at it, but Quinn just kept at it without asking for any medication.
Besides Quinn, he hasn’t really seen any of his other friends since summer break started. He would like to say that he’s only pretending to be feeling down, because that’s the policy in movies after someone experiences a life-altering event, but he’s actually legitimately feeling sad all the damn time now.
There’s been some kissing between him and Quinn, but they haven’t really talked about defining them yet. Just like they still haven’t really addressed his I love you in the hospital, after Beth was born.
He’s lounging around on the couch, watching a rerun of some reality show that Quinn wanted to see. He agreed to it because it’s easier to watch other people’s life sucking ass than to deal with their own shitty reality. Just as he’s starting to wonder what’s taking her so long on the toilet, Quinn calls for him.
He likes girls (and women) who boss him around a little bit. He has this pesky little insecurity that maybe he wasn’t good enough for his dad and that that’s the real reason he left. No matter how often he tells himself that he never had a dad to begin with, it still plays up from time to time.
When a girl demands he does something for her, it makes him feel reassured that he is, in fact, needed and wanted by someone. On top of that, it’s pretty much always the best way to get into her pants when you do shit for a girl.
In his experience, it’s basically pretty much win all around when you do what the girl you like tells you to do. When he hears Quinn calling for him, he’s letting himself get excited at the prospect that maybe, if he helps her out with whatever she wants from him right now, he’s finally going to get some again.
He’s busy thinking about all the different position he’s going to take her in, so he’s totally unprepared to find her sitting on the toilet with blood practically everywhere. Holy fuck!
She’s a quivering mess, explaining to him that it’s her first period since the pregnancy and that while she had read that there could be more blood than usual, she still hadn’t expected this. Well, you can count him surprised too. He’s trying not to show how freaked out he really is when he leads her to the bathroom upstairs.
He makes sure she gets into the shower alright, before he goes into his room and takes one of his older, smaller shirts and a pair of shorts out of the closet. Then he goes to his mother’s room to search for some sanitary napkins and a clean pair of panties. It’s a very disturbing thought that his girl is going to be walking around in his mother’s underwear, but he can’t very well leave her all alone right now to buy her something new, can he?
Quinn is still in the shower when he goes to the downstairs toilet, various cleaning supplies and a toilet brush in his hand, prepared to clean everything up. Suddenly the walls are closing in on him and he feels like he can’t breathe.
It’s not like he didn’t realize that Beth was gone. Hello, he was there when she was born; he signed the adoption papers. It’s just the first time he really lets himself acknowledge the fact that she’s never coming back. That it’s really all over. He’s not going to be a real father. Quinn isn’t pregnant anymore.
That last thought is ridiculous because again, he was there when Beth came into the world, but Quinn having her period makes it all final and real somehow.
He has spent so many years trying to make his life more like a movie that at some point he has become detached from his real life. Whenever something happens to him now, he doesn’t let himself think about how it makes him feel, instead he thinks about what Puck would do to keep the audience interested and then he proceeds to act accordingly. He doesn’t even know who that audience is supposed to be anymore. It used to be only him.
He thinks about various decisions he’s made in the past, based on the fact of how those decisions often turn out in a movie. It never quite works out like he imagines it in his mind.
Take joining the football team for example. He isn’t the star player and there will never suddenly be a scout watching him play, who then will be so impressed that he immediately offers him a scholarship for a fancy university. The reality is that their football team sucks and there’s no way it’s going to get him out of this town.
Or serenading a girl in public. Movies let you believe it’s one of the most romantic things a boy can do for the girl he wants to date or get her to forgive him after he has done something stupid. The couple kisses, the camera pans out, and everyone lives happily ever after. The two girls he has serenaded in real life, however, both broke up with him mere days afterwards.
Maybe it’s time for him to stop taking advice from movies.
There’s only one instance that springs to his mind, where imitating movies did deliver his intended results. Ironically, he’s not that happy about those results anymore. Porn movies did help him become popular with girls, but they mostly only like what he can do, not who he is.
Quinn finds him sitting on the toilet, staring off into space. She gently shakes him by the shoulder, and he dazedly looks around the tiny room. He has no recollection of him actually cleaning everything up, but he must have done it at some point, because there’s not even a drop of blood visible on the surface.
Then he lets himself look at her. She is so painstakingly beautiful and so unbelievably real, standing there before him. His hand is actually shaking when he reaches out to her. He tugs at her until she sits across his lap, with one leg at either side of his, and then pushes their foreheads together.
She blinks back tears when she tells him that she only now fully realizes that Beth is gone. She’s wondering aloud how that’s possible since she’s the one who carried her for nine months and gave birth to her. He’s only wondering how she can be so perfect. In general really, but specifically for him.
He isn’t exactly sure who he is without the safety of his Puck persona, but he thinks that maybe they can work it out somehow. Together.
-
ABOUT THE FIC THAT YOU ARE REQUESTING
Character(s) or pairing(s): P/Q, or P/R, or F/R, or Wemma.
Do you prefer R or NC-17 smut?: Don't care, but nothing sick.
Prompts (minimum of 3, no maximum!):
1. The Vlogbrothers
2. toilet brush
3. Hanson's song "Kiss Me When You Come Home"
Things you DON’T want in your story (kinks or sex acts that gross you out, characters you despise, etc.): No Anal sex, no snowballing, no coming on faces, no doggy style, nothing mysogonistic, no mentioning of Manga or Anime(yep that's a squick), please don't make the sex baseless, AKA, no Porn Without Plot, I really like fic where the focus is the story and the sex is secondary.