2008-09-07 SUNDAY
Another night that I didn't sleep too well. Don't get me wrong the bed is awsome, the room is comfortable, the house is amazing. My mind is just spinning. I did some e-mail and did a little work. I finally got out of bed and headed upstairs after a little while of listening to little feat running up and down the hall.
During breakfast Little Ms. C asked me if I had any kids. I told her that Ben was my son. She said "No, do you have any girls. I think she was here one time." I said, "I do have a daughter and her name is Delaney." She said to me thats right I remember her playing with me here. That is when her mom, Mrs. C. jumped in and and changed the subject and kept her distracted her. That was my queue to leave.
Not sure if I mentioned this earlier but Mrs. C has made the decision not to tell her children about the death of Delaney. She feels that her children are too naieve and tenderhearted to cope well with it. She also desires to keep them innocent and protected for as long as possible.
I respect that each person deals with their mourning or loss differently. I respect that each parent has the right to make decisions in the interest of their children. That said I have difficulty not being honest myself. I have difficulty not speaking about my baby or my feelings. My opinion is that Mrs. C. is underestimating her children. My son lives with this reality every day and is doing ok. Her kids will only have to have the knowledge. I think much of it is her fear of the reality. She is afraid that every tummy ache could be deadly. I get that. BUt that is not the reality. Delaney had a special condition. Something that we wish we could have known about and fixed.
I also feel like denying Delaney's death dishonors her memory. Her death is as much a part of her as her birth. Her life is finite. All of our lives are finite. Birth and Death are events that define the period of that life.
I could go on but I will do that at a later point.
I left to go visit some other Los Angeles friends. The T. family. It was Mr. T's birthday. He keeps them low key but I was invited to spend the day watching NASCAR and then having chinese food.
This was a great visit. Very low key we sat, we talked, we watched the race. We also played with their little one we will call her ET. ET is adorable. She loves to read and play. While ET was taking a nap (aka singing to herself in the room) the grown ups decided to play a little Texas Hold-em poker. About 20 minutes into the game I was hit with a memory. The last time I played cards in this house Delaney sat in my lap and played with me. I was teaching her the game by comparing it to go fish. She was helping me bet and we were doing pretty well together. Since it was something that was a hobby of mine it meant alot to me
that my little girl was interested and doing so well.
It took me a little while to re-focus after having that realization. In fact the memory still brings tears to my eyes. I am just not too sure how to deal with happy memories that cause so much sadness. On the drive back to the C house I was on the edge of bursting into tears. I actually had to pull into a gas station and take a break.
It seems so wrong, so unreal, such a damn waste. I really wish I had some place to put this blame and anger. Instead I feel that I have lost faith and lost hope. Some people find comfort in religion and god. I find only anger, blame and in all reality hatred.
I was feeling very dark and I needed to talk. I felt that my friends had already been burdened so much by my feelings. I hate being the downer, or the depressed one that brings people down. So I didn't really reach out to the extent that I felt like I needed to. Most people do not know what to say or how to deal with a guy with such strong emotion. I honestly think that it scares most people. I sent an email to the wife before I went to bed.
Will all that on my mind I slept really poorly. I went to bed at midnight and I was up at 2:30 and 3:45. My stomach is sour and I felt like getting sick.
During breakfast Little Ms. C asked me if I had any kids. I told her that Ben was my son. She said "No, do you have any girls. I think she was here one time." I said, "I do have a daughter and her name is Delaney." She said to me thats right I remember her playing with me here. That is when her mom, Mrs. C. jumped in and and changed the subject and kept her distracted her. That was my queue to leave.
Not sure if I mentioned this earlier but Mrs. C has made the decision not to tell her children about the death of Delaney. She feels that her children are too naieve and tenderhearted to cope well with it. She also desires to keep them innocent and protected for as long as possible.
I respect that each person deals with their mourning or loss differently. I respect that each parent has the right to make decisions in the interest of their children. That said I have difficulty not being honest myself. I have difficulty not speaking about my baby or my feelings. My opinion is that Mrs. C. is underestimating her children. My son lives with this reality every day and is doing ok. Her kids will only have to have the knowledge. I think much of it is her fear of the reality. She is afraid that every tummy ache could be deadly. I get that. BUt that is not the reality. Delaney had a special condition. Something that we wish we could have known about and fixed.
I also feel like denying Delaney's death dishonors her memory. Her death is as much a part of her as her birth. Her life is finite. All of our lives are finite. Birth and Death are events that define the period of that life.
I could go on but I will do that at a later point.
I left to go visit some other Los Angeles friends. The T. family. It was Mr. T's birthday. He keeps them low key but I was invited to spend the day watching NASCAR and then having chinese food.
This was a great visit. Very low key we sat, we talked, we watched the race. We also played with their little one we will call her ET. ET is adorable. She loves to read and play. While ET was taking a nap (aka singing to herself in the room) the grown ups decided to play a little Texas Hold-em poker. About 20 minutes into the game I was hit with a memory. The last time I played cards in this house Delaney sat in my lap and played with me. I was teaching her the game by comparing it to go fish. She was helping me bet and we were doing pretty well together. Since it was something that was a hobby of mine it meant alot to me
that my little girl was interested and doing so well.
It took me a little while to re-focus after having that realization. In fact the memory still brings tears to my eyes. I am just not too sure how to deal with happy memories that cause so much sadness. On the drive back to the C house I was on the edge of bursting into tears. I actually had to pull into a gas station and take a break.
It seems so wrong, so unreal, such a damn waste. I really wish I had some place to put this blame and anger. Instead I feel that I have lost faith and lost hope. Some people find comfort in religion and god. I find only anger, blame and in all reality hatred.
I was feeling very dark and I needed to talk. I felt that my friends had already been burdened so much by my feelings. I hate being the downer, or the depressed one that brings people down. So I didn't really reach out to the extent that I felt like I needed to. Most people do not know what to say or how to deal with a guy with such strong emotion. I honestly think that it scares most people. I sent an email to the wife before I went to bed.
Will all that on my mind I slept really poorly. I went to bed at midnight and I was up at 2:30 and 3:45. My stomach is sour and I felt like getting sick.