It's all right, yeah I'll be fine... don't worry about this heart of mine.
Before I start this entry, I'm asking you to download The Wreckers--Leave the Pieces. It's got a country flare but it's Michelle Branch's new band! The song is great... at least listen to it on youtube. Michelle plays the Mandolin! Weird, but cool!
~*~
Okay, my main point of this entry is to let out a scream.
It's about my brother, Barrett.
He's had a drinking problem since before he graduated high school. He was a true-blue alcholic when he was just old enough to drive. It's unbelievable--which is exactly why his college friends encouraged his crazy antics. Nobody believed he was anything but a normal college kid, ready to drink until the sun came up.
He's been out of college for three years now. He started seeing a therapist who diagnosed him with anxiety and depression, as well as (shocking) mild schizophrenia. Barrett quickly began a cycle of taking the anxiety and depression medications when he was in public... which numbed him to a point where he'd drink two pots of coffee to make him feel normal. Then he'd smoke all day to take the edge off his caffeine overdose. He only smoked because he couldn't drink at work.
Once he'd get home, he'd proceed to get stoned and drunk only to pass out and start the cycle over in the morning.
Obviously, it wasn't long before everyone at work started noticing the problems. Pretty soon, he'd show up to work late or leave early. But what could anybody do? His last name is Klinger--the same as the owners of the company. My dad and uncles wanted to keep the peace in the family, so they didn't do anything.
Until Barrett started being mean to everyone--sending nasty emails and text messages, hanging up on clients. That's when my uncles and father drafted a contract saying that if he didn't regularly attend AA and get the help he needed, he'd get fired.
Two weeks ago, he decided he didn't want to show up to work at all. So he was fired. The first Klinger ever to get fired from the company.
The only stipulation was that if he entered rehab, he'd get his job back.
Last Tuesday, my dad drove him down to The Watershed in Boca Raton. He said it was like dropping Barrett off at prison. They ransacked his belongings and took his cell phone away. But the thing is, Barrett really seemed to want to go. My dad said he'd never heard Barrett speak so soberly, with total conviction that he wanted to do this. He'll be home in at least 30 days.
My feelings on the situation are perfectly ambivalent. I'm very happy that he seems to really want this help, but I've turned so cold to the idea of him "truly wanting help"... because this isn't the first time he's tried to sober up.
I spoke on the phone with Helynn the other night and she offered the wisest information I've known her to give... that my family is pretty much in all of this together. That alcoholism really is a disease that can tear a family apart. She pled with me not to hate my brother, to hate the disease. But how can I not when I see my mom cry the way she does over him? How can I not, knowing he's ruined so much of himself, his life, and our family? The scariest thing Helynn said was this: he's leaving this life behind and will start a completely new one in rehab. He'll make a family and feel great about himself. But what happens when he returns to all the things that have caused him to harm himself so badly? That's when the past month could fall apart on him.
I told my mom a while back that I felt our lives would all be easier if he just weren't around... and I really meant it. He's caused us so much pain, and I'm just so ready for it to be over.
The only true solace I've found is in this (surprisingly--rock) song: "Hate Me" by Blue October. It's actually really sad, it's a plea from a son to his mother to get as far away from him as she can--so he can stop hurting her. I can actually feel these words coming from Barrett, telling this to not only my mom, but the rest of my family:
"I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again
And in a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you"
It actually makes me see things from his perspective. Maybe now he's finally realized how many lives he's hurt by this addiction.
And with that, I'm leaving the topic...
~*~
On another unrelated note, I'm up in Gainesville for the last time (as a resident). I'm moving all my stuff out tomorrow. It's been so sad to see this apartment so empty. Natalie and Laura's rooms are completely bare--they erased all evidence that they lived here (except for the cat's bathroom downstairs!). It was so sad even just driving here--knowing what I was about to do. Knowing that I was, yet again, leaving a home that I've loved so much over the past four years. This is really beginning to sink in--I won't be here anymore, living off my monthly checks, with only school to stress me out. I'm onto bigger and better things, I know, but it's sad to leave this part of me behind.
~*~
Booking the wedding has been my mom's and my biggest feat this summer--we're booking the most important things: ceremony/reception site, photographer, videographer and DJ. In that order, they are: The Ritz-Carlton (Citrus garden for ceremony, Grand Ballroom for reception), John Unrue, Jeffrey Stoner (go to his website: www.stonervideo.com), and JMCelebrations. I think now we can relax a little! Really... I just can't wait to marry Patrick. True, I'm excited about the actual wedding, but I can't wait until we're a family.
~*~
Leaving this (way too long) entry on a happy note: Tanya is pregnant! She's due March 20, 2007... it came as sort of a surprise, but we're all so excited! And guess who gets to be a godmother!? This one!
~*~
Thanks for bearing with me, friends. To you all, I thank you for constantly being a rock in my life. For keeping my head on straight, for literally and figuratively letting me cry on your shoulders, and for sharing in all my happy times.
~*~
Okay, my main point of this entry is to let out a scream.
It's about my brother, Barrett.
He's had a drinking problem since before he graduated high school. He was a true-blue alcholic when he was just old enough to drive. It's unbelievable--which is exactly why his college friends encouraged his crazy antics. Nobody believed he was anything but a normal college kid, ready to drink until the sun came up.
He's been out of college for three years now. He started seeing a therapist who diagnosed him with anxiety and depression, as well as (shocking) mild schizophrenia. Barrett quickly began a cycle of taking the anxiety and depression medications when he was in public... which numbed him to a point where he'd drink two pots of coffee to make him feel normal. Then he'd smoke all day to take the edge off his caffeine overdose. He only smoked because he couldn't drink at work.
Once he'd get home, he'd proceed to get stoned and drunk only to pass out and start the cycle over in the morning.
Obviously, it wasn't long before everyone at work started noticing the problems. Pretty soon, he'd show up to work late or leave early. But what could anybody do? His last name is Klinger--the same as the owners of the company. My dad and uncles wanted to keep the peace in the family, so they didn't do anything.
Until Barrett started being mean to everyone--sending nasty emails and text messages, hanging up on clients. That's when my uncles and father drafted a contract saying that if he didn't regularly attend AA and get the help he needed, he'd get fired.
Two weeks ago, he decided he didn't want to show up to work at all. So he was fired. The first Klinger ever to get fired from the company.
The only stipulation was that if he entered rehab, he'd get his job back.
Last Tuesday, my dad drove him down to The Watershed in Boca Raton. He said it was like dropping Barrett off at prison. They ransacked his belongings and took his cell phone away. But the thing is, Barrett really seemed to want to go. My dad said he'd never heard Barrett speak so soberly, with total conviction that he wanted to do this. He'll be home in at least 30 days.
My feelings on the situation are perfectly ambivalent. I'm very happy that he seems to really want this help, but I've turned so cold to the idea of him "truly wanting help"... because this isn't the first time he's tried to sober up.
I spoke on the phone with Helynn the other night and she offered the wisest information I've known her to give... that my family is pretty much in all of this together. That alcoholism really is a disease that can tear a family apart. She pled with me not to hate my brother, to hate the disease. But how can I not when I see my mom cry the way she does over him? How can I not, knowing he's ruined so much of himself, his life, and our family? The scariest thing Helynn said was this: he's leaving this life behind and will start a completely new one in rehab. He'll make a family and feel great about himself. But what happens when he returns to all the things that have caused him to harm himself so badly? That's when the past month could fall apart on him.
I told my mom a while back that I felt our lives would all be easier if he just weren't around... and I really meant it. He's caused us so much pain, and I'm just so ready for it to be over.
The only true solace I've found is in this (surprisingly--rock) song: "Hate Me" by Blue October. It's actually really sad, it's a plea from a son to his mother to get as far away from him as she can--so he can stop hurting her. I can actually feel these words coming from Barrett, telling this to not only my mom, but the rest of my family:
"I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again
And in a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you"
It actually makes me see things from his perspective. Maybe now he's finally realized how many lives he's hurt by this addiction.
And with that, I'm leaving the topic...
~*~
On another unrelated note, I'm up in Gainesville for the last time (as a resident). I'm moving all my stuff out tomorrow. It's been so sad to see this apartment so empty. Natalie and Laura's rooms are completely bare--they erased all evidence that they lived here (except for the cat's bathroom downstairs!). It was so sad even just driving here--knowing what I was about to do. Knowing that I was, yet again, leaving a home that I've loved so much over the past four years. This is really beginning to sink in--I won't be here anymore, living off my monthly checks, with only school to stress me out. I'm onto bigger and better things, I know, but it's sad to leave this part of me behind.
~*~
Booking the wedding has been my mom's and my biggest feat this summer--we're booking the most important things: ceremony/reception site, photographer, videographer and DJ. In that order, they are: The Ritz-Carlton (Citrus garden for ceremony, Grand Ballroom for reception), John Unrue, Jeffrey Stoner (go to his website: www.stonervideo.com), and JMCelebrations. I think now we can relax a little! Really... I just can't wait to marry Patrick. True, I'm excited about the actual wedding, but I can't wait until we're a family.
~*~
Leaving this (way too long) entry on a happy note: Tanya is pregnant! She's due March 20, 2007... it came as sort of a surprise, but we're all so excited! And guess who gets to be a godmother!? This one!
~*~
Thanks for bearing with me, friends. To you all, I thank you for constantly being a rock in my life. For keeping my head on straight, for literally and figuratively letting me cry on your shoulders, and for sharing in all my happy times.