Workouts update
So, just started working out again today. Took about two weeks off after...four days of running. Bleh.
Updates:
So still not comfortable going back to running, because I'm still coughing somewhat and there's a fairly high chance of having a bad asthma attack about a mile away from the house. So I decided to switch to some in house workouts. I stumbled across a youtube pilates lady named Cassey Ho, and checked out some of her videos and her website, and I really like her attitude/approach. So this morning I tried my first workout in two weeks and did her beginners workout video, which was about 25 minutes of pilates. Which SUCKED. in a good way. Oh my god. I finished about twenty minutes ago and I think it's not even fully hitting me yet. It's kind of hurting my arms just keeping them upright to type. In a good way. So gonna keep up with this, I think. I'll try to keep pilates-ing while I'm still getting over my coughing, since it's kind of focused on getting stronger and building muscle and losing weight, which is, you know, all I want. I want to be strong. And lose weight.
When my cough is totally gone, I'll try to take up running again, since cardio is super good for you and your heart and whatever. Not sure how I'll switch it up, maybe alternate, maybe at some point I can start doing both in the same day and just be a beast about it.
I really had to start doing SOMETHING today. a week of being totally sick and incapacitated and thing another week of just being lazy was killing me. I feel like I'm melting into a blob. I just feel really sick of myself. I feel like I'm worse then even when I needed to start running.
Then there's the other thing.
So I'm trying to keep journalling about this to work through my emotional crap too, right? And if I don't talk about it then it's just going to keep eating away at me. I already told Brian about it because I basically came home in tears but whatever. He did make me feel better but it's still just there and in the back of my mind all the time and I'm not really gonna keep bringing it up to Brian cause there's not really anything he can do. Okay whatever. So about a week ago, maybe last Sunday? I just got out of work at Yankee Candle and went to my bus stop like normal. My stop is on a street corner diagonal across from the mall, and there's actually a bench there unlike most of my bus stops which is nice because I'm usually coming from standing on my feet for several hours at a time and I usually have 10-15 minutes of waiting for the bus left, or more, depending on when I get out/how nice it is, if I'm going to hide int he mall, whatever, this is not really relevant information. So there was already a guy there, he was maybe late twenties, missing teeth, dressed in really dirty sweatpants and sweatshirt and basically just looked like the kind of guy who lives in a trailer and sells drugs and kind of a scumbag. But whatever, I don't try to judge, he was sitting at the far edge of the bus bench and as I had just come off of work as mentioned my feet really hurt so I sat at the other end, and I guess this just completely offended him, I don't know. He ignored me at first and I ignored him, just read my kindle, just wanted my bus to come and go home. First he asked me if I had rolling papers. And I said no, because, you know, I don't. He asked me what time the bus came and I told him when it usually comes. Then I went back to ignoring him because he was missing teeth and he was kind of creeping me out. So he walked off, like maybe a hundred feet away, walked back and sat down, and looked at me and just said "You know, you're really fat. Like, really fucking fat." And I was just completely blown away. Like, really taken aback and insulted cause you know, and I told him "You're a fucking asshole." so go me for not clamming up or whatever. Which I'd said something a little more clever. Like at least I don't have to blow guys at the bus stop for quarters. Whatever. And he just said "thank you, I know, I know king of the assholes..." kind of started rambling. I didn't move. I really felt like he was attacking me to sort of prove something, and I wasn't going to let him have the satisfaction. I didn't cry then either, which I'm proud of, because I am NOT going to let people see when they hurt me that bad. So I just sat there and ignored him, he kept saying stupid shit like I don't know what, I was kind of in shock still so I wasn't really listening, but I told him to shut up at what point, which didn't really work. A group of people, like a father and two daughters showed up and were just standing around, and the guy started yelling down the street at the bus that wasn't there so at that point I got up and walked to the other side of the streetlamp there at the stop because he was kind of freaking me out, but I didn't cry until after I got off the bus and safely into my house. And then I told Brian what happened and kind of broke down. And he was super nice and made me feel better and told me he'd tell the guy to find a different bus stop to blow guys for quarters. Which made me feel better also. But yeah. Obviously really fucking hurt. I've been called fat before, mostly when I was in elementary school and on the bus by jackass kids, before I really had a weight problem. I was bigger than most kids, but I was also taller. I'm kinda of the opinion that if I hadn't been teased and called fat so much when I was in elementary school, I would have had a healthier attitude about myself, and might not have gotten so overweight now. I mean, my choices were my own, I'm not trying to shift blame, but that's where a lot of my insecurities started, and I became an emotional eater. Seeing pictures of myself in third/fourth/fifth grade, yeah, I was a heavier kid, but not really crazy fat. It started more in middle school. It's also kind of turned inward and made me not really wanting to go out and experience shit. Whatever. That's also where I learned how to make snappy comebacks and fight back with words, so that I was left alone after not too long. I always say it was my family that made me such a witty comebacker, and that's partially true, but I had to be that way to keep from being teased on the bus. So there's that, I guess. But I haven't been called fat by a complete stranger since I hit puberty. But that just basically reinforced every thought I have in my head of not wanting to run in public, or even BE in public, because everyone I meet is just thinking what a fatass I am. It's just that that one guy was enough of a complete fucking jackass to say it. I mean, logically I know not EVERYONE is saying that. Thinking that. But enough of them are. And I mean, it doesn't matter, no matter how I look or act or am, people are always going to think bad shit about me. But I am. I am fat. and it doesn't matter what I do, people are going to look at me and think that. I want to get healthy for my own reasons, but I just want to fucking do it in my own time and in my own way, and not have shitty people staring at me and judging me and knowing that I'm crazy insecure about my body and how I look, and just, what the fuck. Why can't they just leave me alone.
So...yeah. There's that. Maybe now that I've let it out I can get over it a little. Kind of wish I'd pushed that fucker into traffic. Scumbag.
Anyway. So I did that beginners' pilates video, and I had to puss out on a few parts, because it really is a fucking crazy video. And it's not, I mean, it's beginners, Cassey Ho is pretty awesome/one of the better youtube fitness people I've seen, and it's pretty slow and easy, but obvis it's just a lot harder for people who have never done this before. I'd recommend it.
Not really sure how to do stats for it?
~25 minutes of workout for the legs, arms, and abs
No running yet, hopefully soon
Gonna go take a shower now.
It didn't really make me break out into a sweat. As fucking weird as that is, what I really miss from running back at Buff State in the gym is how I'd be just completely covered in sweat. It just...really made me feel good, to be working that hard.
Anyway. Soon. Probably.
Updates:
So still not comfortable going back to running, because I'm still coughing somewhat and there's a fairly high chance of having a bad asthma attack about a mile away from the house. So I decided to switch to some in house workouts. I stumbled across a youtube pilates lady named Cassey Ho, and checked out some of her videos and her website, and I really like her attitude/approach. So this morning I tried my first workout in two weeks and did her beginners workout video, which was about 25 minutes of pilates. Which SUCKED. in a good way. Oh my god. I finished about twenty minutes ago and I think it's not even fully hitting me yet. It's kind of hurting my arms just keeping them upright to type. In a good way. So gonna keep up with this, I think. I'll try to keep pilates-ing while I'm still getting over my coughing, since it's kind of focused on getting stronger and building muscle and losing weight, which is, you know, all I want. I want to be strong. And lose weight.
When my cough is totally gone, I'll try to take up running again, since cardio is super good for you and your heart and whatever. Not sure how I'll switch it up, maybe alternate, maybe at some point I can start doing both in the same day and just be a beast about it.
I really had to start doing SOMETHING today. a week of being totally sick and incapacitated and thing another week of just being lazy was killing me. I feel like I'm melting into a blob. I just feel really sick of myself. I feel like I'm worse then even when I needed to start running.
Then there's the other thing.
So I'm trying to keep journalling about this to work through my emotional crap too, right? And if I don't talk about it then it's just going to keep eating away at me. I already told Brian about it because I basically came home in tears but whatever. He did make me feel better but it's still just there and in the back of my mind all the time and I'm not really gonna keep bringing it up to Brian cause there's not really anything he can do. Okay whatever. So about a week ago, maybe last Sunday? I just got out of work at Yankee Candle and went to my bus stop like normal. My stop is on a street corner diagonal across from the mall, and there's actually a bench there unlike most of my bus stops which is nice because I'm usually coming from standing on my feet for several hours at a time and I usually have 10-15 minutes of waiting for the bus left, or more, depending on when I get out/how nice it is, if I'm going to hide int he mall, whatever, this is not really relevant information. So there was already a guy there, he was maybe late twenties, missing teeth, dressed in really dirty sweatpants and sweatshirt and basically just looked like the kind of guy who lives in a trailer and sells drugs and kind of a scumbag. But whatever, I don't try to judge, he was sitting at the far edge of the bus bench and as I had just come off of work as mentioned my feet really hurt so I sat at the other end, and I guess this just completely offended him, I don't know. He ignored me at first and I ignored him, just read my kindle, just wanted my bus to come and go home. First he asked me if I had rolling papers. And I said no, because, you know, I don't. He asked me what time the bus came and I told him when it usually comes. Then I went back to ignoring him because he was missing teeth and he was kind of creeping me out. So he walked off, like maybe a hundred feet away, walked back and sat down, and looked at me and just said "You know, you're really fat. Like, really fucking fat." And I was just completely blown away. Like, really taken aback and insulted cause you know, and I told him "You're a fucking asshole." so go me for not clamming up or whatever. Which I'd said something a little more clever. Like at least I don't have to blow guys at the bus stop for quarters. Whatever. And he just said "thank you, I know, I know king of the assholes..." kind of started rambling. I didn't move. I really felt like he was attacking me to sort of prove something, and I wasn't going to let him have the satisfaction. I didn't cry then either, which I'm proud of, because I am NOT going to let people see when they hurt me that bad. So I just sat there and ignored him, he kept saying stupid shit like I don't know what, I was kind of in shock still so I wasn't really listening, but I told him to shut up at what point, which didn't really work. A group of people, like a father and two daughters showed up and were just standing around, and the guy started yelling down the street at the bus that wasn't there so at that point I got up and walked to the other side of the streetlamp there at the stop because he was kind of freaking me out, but I didn't cry until after I got off the bus and safely into my house. And then I told Brian what happened and kind of broke down. And he was super nice and made me feel better and told me he'd tell the guy to find a different bus stop to blow guys for quarters. Which made me feel better also. But yeah. Obviously really fucking hurt. I've been called fat before, mostly when I was in elementary school and on the bus by jackass kids, before I really had a weight problem. I was bigger than most kids, but I was also taller. I'm kinda of the opinion that if I hadn't been teased and called fat so much when I was in elementary school, I would have had a healthier attitude about myself, and might not have gotten so overweight now. I mean, my choices were my own, I'm not trying to shift blame, but that's where a lot of my insecurities started, and I became an emotional eater. Seeing pictures of myself in third/fourth/fifth grade, yeah, I was a heavier kid, but not really crazy fat. It started more in middle school. It's also kind of turned inward and made me not really wanting to go out and experience shit. Whatever. That's also where I learned how to make snappy comebacks and fight back with words, so that I was left alone after not too long. I always say it was my family that made me such a witty comebacker, and that's partially true, but I had to be that way to keep from being teased on the bus. So there's that, I guess. But I haven't been called fat by a complete stranger since I hit puberty. But that just basically reinforced every thought I have in my head of not wanting to run in public, or even BE in public, because everyone I meet is just thinking what a fatass I am. It's just that that one guy was enough of a complete fucking jackass to say it. I mean, logically I know not EVERYONE is saying that. Thinking that. But enough of them are. And I mean, it doesn't matter, no matter how I look or act or am, people are always going to think bad shit about me. But I am. I am fat. and it doesn't matter what I do, people are going to look at me and think that. I want to get healthy for my own reasons, but I just want to fucking do it in my own time and in my own way, and not have shitty people staring at me and judging me and knowing that I'm crazy insecure about my body and how I look, and just, what the fuck. Why can't they just leave me alone.
So...yeah. There's that. Maybe now that I've let it out I can get over it a little. Kind of wish I'd pushed that fucker into traffic. Scumbag.
Anyway. So I did that beginners' pilates video, and I had to puss out on a few parts, because it really is a fucking crazy video. And it's not, I mean, it's beginners, Cassey Ho is pretty awesome/one of the better youtube fitness people I've seen, and it's pretty slow and easy, but obvis it's just a lot harder for people who have never done this before. I'd recommend it.
Not really sure how to do stats for it?
~25 minutes of workout for the legs, arms, and abs
No running yet, hopefully soon
Gonna go take a shower now.
It didn't really make me break out into a sweat. As fucking weird as that is, what I really miss from running back at Buff State in the gym is how I'd be just completely covered in sweat. It just...really made me feel good, to be working that hard.
Anyway. Soon. Probably.