Hasayaki - Chapter 3: A white-purple spray of flowers
Chapter 3: Onew - A white-purple spray of flowers
[ Onew ]
“Hyung!” Looking up from my book, I saw Jonghyun’s head coming from behind the door to my room. “I’m done with the melody. Yes, I know its fast. But quality control’s been put in place. And yes, I also know that you’re dying to hear this very masterpiece done by the one and only Bling Bling Kim Jonghyun. Thus, I present you with this very demo tape. Be honoured.” Then, with a mock look of seriousness, he coughed before lowering his voices to sound like an old sage. “Be very honoured.”
Then, before I could shout after him to keep his room neat and tidy, the way it was when I last left it, he disappeared with a quick bow and a mischievous grin. Not before throwing the tape and a couple of manuscript sheets on my bed, of course.
Wasting no time, I tore my eyes from my book after carefully sticking a bookmark into the last page I was at, and half-walked, half-jumped onto the chair by my table. Pressing the play button the moment I put the tape into a slot located somewhere, amongst the equipment the boys and I used for our composing, I quickly put on my ear phones, taking care not to waste a single second.
-
Slumping back against my chair, I made full use of its swivel function, as I slowly allowed the melody to sink into me. I had to admit that I was indeed honoured to be the first person to hear Jjong’s composition. Very honoured to, in fact.
Somehow, deep inside me, I knew that it must have taken a lot from that boy to come up with that tune, with his particular “her” in mind. And now, I will have to search deep inside me, past my current life as SHINee’s leader, to find that part of me to write this song.
Staring into the space outside my window for a moment or so, I mentally went through some lines. However, before I could go on to the next line, an imaginary rubbish bin would appear and I would mentally throw the lines or words I had come up with into it.
“I miss you”… too cliché.
“The times we had”… a formula which had been repeated over and over again.
“I love you”… surely it was more than that!
Slowly, I felt my brain running out of lines, as I took longer and longer to come up with each line. Finally, subconsciously, I started staring, dazed into the distance. The sun was nowhere in sight, and the sky, a pleasant shade of blue, ornamented between regular intervals by clouds. The only hint that it was nearing dusk was a slight purple, orange hue that was slowly sipping into the sky. Suddenly, something caught my eye, as a slight evening breeze entered my room.
The white-purple spray of hasayaki danced happily along with the breeze, nodding its many heads merrily at me, its colour still evident, despite having been left to dry a long long time ago. Hasayaki…
Hasayaki…
-
Gwiboon was one of the most special girls I have ever met. Of all the people I have met and befriended, I treasure a chosen few with all my heart. The SHINee boys definitely belong to this group. But Gwiboon… she belongs to a league of her own.
I can’t point a finger as to exactly when and where we met. All I knew was that it seemed as though I had known Gwiboon all my life. And she seemed to have known me all her life. We knew what the other person felt or thought, even before a word or expression could be shown or said to give the game away. Yet, telepathy would not be an apt enough term to describe the chemistry between the two of us. As I have said, it just seemed as though we had known each other all our lives. And it would remain this way for the rest of our lives.
We were not what most would call a couple. There was more to our relationship than that. To call us a couple would be too simplistic. We were something more than partners in life, almost literal soul mates.
Despite my busy schedule when I assumed the position of band member, and more specifically, leader of SHINee, things always remained the same between us. Our growing fan base and increasingly hectic schedules did not translate into a greater distance between the two of us. Whenever our work proved too much for us, and concerts and appearances were required of us on the daily basis, she would drop by our apartment to help clean up the mess we would have accumulated. And we would end off another tiring day, knowing that when we reached home, Gwiboon would be there, waiting for us with the table set, and a satisfying meal which would somehow always be piping hot regardless of the time we reached home.
She was like the little homemaker of the family, and in no time, the rest of the boys had began addressing her as “Noona”, or at times when we were especially tired and the meal was exceptionally tasty, “Noona dearest”. Whenever the game maniac Minho, or Jonghyun gamed a little too much, refused to be packed off to bed or change out of their performance costumes, she would always be the one to nag them into it. And they, in turn, would obey her, often with the tongue in cheek reply of “Yes, mummy.”
So you must be wondering why it is that up till now, the headlines “Mysterious Girl found Entering and Leaving SHINee Apartment” have not been screaming from the newspapers or tabloids; or why Key is now the one in charge of cooking all our meals, while I have to take on the role of bugging game maniac and friends to switch off their PS3.
I remember a particular piece of open space that Gwiboon and I used to stroll in, whenever we found the time to. It was a plot of land, isolated from roads, buildings and the buzz of city life, yet conveniently near our apartment. I also remember that the best time to go there would be in the evenings, as the sun begins to set, colouring the entire sky a flaming orange or purple.
Most of the time, we would always walk in silence, but at times, soft, quiet conversations would punctuate the silence around us, with simple questions and answers being thrown back and forth between us both. Once in awhile, she would look up to see me smiling at her, probably at something she had said or was thinking, and she would respond with either a smile or a pout, chiding me for “laughing at her”.
Or at times, she would catch me staring at her silently, just staring, staring, and staring at her, as though I could go on like this for eternity, and she would simply blush and bow her head, refusing to look at me for the next few minutes or so, while mumbling something incoherently under her breath.
Also, what was unique about this field, were the little white-purple sprays of flowers that grew in it. They never seemed to disappear, be it in spring, summer, autumn or winter. And no matter how hard we searched, we could never find the name of the flower, where it came from, or why it could only be found in this field and nowhere else.
All we knew was that it probably belonged to the same family as chrysanthemums, and that was that. Finally, when we had given up in our search, we would sit down in the middle of the field, amongst the white-purple sprays, taking in the simple beauty of it all, the failed search another reason for us to treasure all that we had before us. It was also then, that Gwiboon decided to name it “hasayaki”.
“Because it sounds unique and it has the slightest bit of romantic flavour to it. Because… because!” Then with a wide grin, she would repeat its name over and over again, enjoying the feel of the words rolling from her tongue.
-
Things went on smoothly, albums were released, along with singles, music videos were shot, photoshoots were done, picturebooks were compiled, CFs were made and interviews on radio stations were recorded. It seemed as though this would be the way life would be like from now on, with my life revolving around SHINee, the public personalities we were and had to upkeep, looking after the boys, who would quickly undergo 180 degree changes from the soppy-ballad singing, I-will-die-for-my-love-angst-filled images when performing, into the Emma Watson fanboy, gaming maniac and company that they were at home, and… Gwiboon.
Once, after a crazily hectic month of promotions, activities and photo shoots, so many that it was literally a “whirlwind of activities”, we were given a day off. It was for us to recharge, and to put things from the management’s perspective, prepare us for another month or two of similar craziness. The boys had been preparing to make good use of this holiday, ever since the last day off we were given ended, and the apartment was silent in no time. Jjong was out watching some movies, Minho had managed to persuade, or rather, drag Taemin away from his books and school for a game of soccer with his Minseok-hyung. Key was either quietly asleep upstairs, or out shopping in the streets of Seoul, with his cap lowered and his back hunched, trying as hard as he could not to attract any attention to himself.
While such a disguise had its fair number of successes, there were of course, a number of failures. This would mean a flushed Key running back to the apartment, slamming the door shut, leaning against it, panting, eyes closed, his lips moving slightly and furiously, in prayer or meditation.
That, of course, applied to the rest of the boys, with the occasional exception of my-ego’s-so-big-it-could-form-another-me Jjong, who would swagger in, smirking, talking about how many girls had screamed and ran after him, and how they were prettier and hotter than those who ran after the rest of us. Then again, that was only on rare occasions, when he was not too busy catching his breath trying to push the door shut, or with his hands clasped together in prayer for having escaped another SHINee-crazy mob with his life AND clothes intact.
Gwiboon and I had decided to go for a stroll in the field once again, with few hours to spare before we had to return and Gwiboon had to begin preparing dinner for the boys, whom judging from the menu-of-the-day they had given her, were looking forward to a feast of their favourite food.
Once again, we walked through the field, as always, and although the sun was nowhere in sight, it had managed to paint the entire sky an unswerving shade of orange. There were no clouds in the sky, yet a slight breeze kept the air around us cool and light.
At least, that applied to me. Somehow, Gwiboon seemed a little more quiet than usual, her answers to my questions and remarks, short, almost monosyllabic.
I didn’t know how to ask her what was wrong. Maybe it was because I was just too used to knowing what was wrong, or her telling me what was wrong. Either way, we walked on in silence. I knew she would not keep it from me for long. That was simply not the Gwiboon I knew.
Finally, I sensed her slowing down her pace, and she began to stare intensely at her shoes, or at the sprays of hasayaki which were scattered across the field… I didn’t know which.
“Jinki…”
Finally, she broke the silence.
I didn’t like the look she had on her face.
The sorrow in her eyes.
The reluctance that seemed to be screaming, tearing at her.
I didn’t like all that I was seeing. And I knew I wasn’t going to like the words which she was about to say. Yet, I knew that I had to hear them.
“Jinki…”
She started once again, but like the previous attempt, she did not go any further than those 2 syllables.
Even the act of saying them seemed to bring so much pain to her, so much pain that I wanted to ease it away, yet, I didn’t know how to. All I could do was to look at her, bending in the process to look into the pair of pained eyes, that bowed head, searching her eyes with mine for any clues they might give away.
“I…” From the moment she said that word, I wished so hard, so hard that everything could be muted, so I wouldn’t have to hear anything. I wished so hard. So hard.
“I have to leave.”
“Leave?” All I could do was to repeat after her, dumbly, like a fool.
“I have to leave. Leave Korea. For the States.”
“Why?” Dumbfounded, all I could do was utter word after another, in response to her statements, with each sounding more like a demand than a question.
“My family’s moving there. And they want me to be there. I have to be there.”
“Why?”
“My grandmother hasn’t been in good health all these years. The doctors say this could be her last year with us. Halmeoni wants me by her side. I want to be by her side.”
“Why?”
“Jinki… please understand. They are my family. They need me.”
“Why?”
“Jinki… please. Please. Don’t make this harder than it already is.” She pleaded with me. Yet, I was deaf to all her pleas, as they were drowned out by the same words which seemed to roar in my ears over and over again.
Why?
Why?
“They need me, Jinki. Please. Understand…”
“Why?”
This time, she did not respond to my question, which no longer sounded like one, but sounded every bit like a demand. “Why?”
This time, it was her turn to search my eyes with hers. I could see the agony she was going through, as she bit onto her lips so hard that they turned a deathly shade of white.
Her hand clutched her collar, as though by doing so, it might help free her from the pain she was going through, that it might take away the dull, aching throbbing coming from her heart. Her other hand clutched my arm, seemingly hoping that it would help me understand that she was going through a similar, if not, greater pain than me.
“But we need you too. We need you! We all need you! The boys need you! I need you!” This string of words came out, soft at first, but gradually increasing in volume, until I finally shouted the last three words out.
I wasn’t sure about the first few statements, but the last was something I was definitely certain about.
“And my family needs me too.”
Shaking my head repeatedly, I stubbornly refused to budge from my stand.
“Jinki, please. It isn’t going to be permanent. We just need a year, two at the maximum to settle down. Then, I promise I’ll be back.”
Comical as it sounds, despite being the leader of SHINee, the hyung, the child in me began to throw a tantrum, sounding like a completely spoilt brat.
“But I don’t want you to leave! I want you to stay here with us! With me!” I knew it was useless, that it was not going to help things. But still, the child in me implored, begging, hoping, pleading, for a positive reply, for the biggest candy in the candy jar.
Everything just seemed like a blur mess. Just like the tears which were running down my cheeks, blurring my vision, blurring my thoughts. All I could do was to repeat myself over and over again, and all Gwiboon could do was to shake her head profusely, as tears continued pouring from her eyes.
Finally, I was defeated.
As to why I gave in, I had no idea. It might have been her tears, or because the child in me finally grew tired of throwing a tantrum and allowed the adult, who knew that Gwiboon’s departure was a fact I had to accept, take over.
Either way, I stopped my questions, silencing the ones which were echoing in my head.
Then, gently as I could, while trying as hard as possible to ignore the aching in my chest, I reached out to wipe the tears which were flowing down her cheeks. Gently, I thumbed away each tear which ran down her cheeks, one by one, tear by tear, until they finally stopped falling.
Then, doing the only thing that I could and wanted to do, I enveloped her in an embrace, as I closed my eyes, hoping silently that time would stop for the both of us, in this field of hasayaki.
-
“Jinki…”
“Hmmm?”
A conversation rose once again, as we strolled back towards civilization, hand in hand.
“I remember a quote from this book I was reading once. The Outsiders. It was this quote one character said to the main character, before he left.” Her tone was hesitant as she pronounced the final word, and I felt my heart cringe ever so slightly.
“What was it?”
“Stay golden, ponyboy. Stay golden.”
I did not know what to say, how to react. All I could do was to continue plodding on ahead.
“Stay golden. Just as I want you to stay simple, Jinki. Remain the man I know you to be, the one I love.”
I turned to look at her, as I felt words rushing from the back of my throat, but she got there before me.
“The entertainment scene… it’s just…”
I understood where she was coming from. The entertainment scene had always been one complicated circle, with scandals and rumors appearing one after another, day after day, in constant progression. There would always be news every other day, of a celebrity being involved with one too many woman, artistes getting drunk in a pub before starting a brawl, stars dabbling in drugs and alcohol… it was just one big, thorny, complex problem by itself. Some of these people are in search of simplicity in their lives, the need for simplicity in their now convoluted lives, surrounded by parties, hidden meanings in words and the almost-omnipotent media. I know many who wish to return to the former simplicity in their lives.
I could and would have been one of them, if not for Gwiboon. It was her simplicity and one-mindedness that kept me sane from this crazy, psychedelic world I was a part of. It is this very world that many hope to enter, until they finally see the road of no return that it truly is.
It was Gwiboon’s one-mindedness towards me, us that kept me the person I was and still am. The person who after all the craziness and fanatical fans, is still able to talk to her as we stroll amongst the hasayakis. Everything she did, her purpose was to keep me the person I am and was, to save me from the crazy world I was supposed to live in. She was the buoy I clung on to desperately, to save me from being absorbed into the whirlpool, to save me from drowning.
“I know. I know…” The only response I could give her, besides the verbal one, was to tighten my grip on her hand, passing on the warmth from mine to hers. It was a silent vow I made to her, one that would never disappear, ever.
Suddenly, we both stopped in our tracks, in unison, just a step before we completely walked out of the field of hasayakis. At that very moment, we were of one mind. Turning to embrace each other, the tears began flowing again, as though on cue.
Stay golden.
Stay simple.
And yet, the tears kept flowing…
Stay golden.
Stay simple.
Stay golden.
Stay simple.
I didn’t know which was which.
“I will come back, Jinki. I promise. I promise you I will. And it’ll be just like today. Just you and me. Just the two of us, here.”
Once again, everything before my eyes returned to the blurry mess it was moments ago. Yet, this time around, my mind was able to see through the indistinct, fuzzy mess it was in, to see a scene.
It would be a year or two down the road, and Gwiboon and I would be standing in the middle of this field as we were moments ago, embracing each other, filling each other with the warmth from our own bodies, as prove that we did exist, and were not just a fragment of the other’s imagination.
Then, the tears which would flow from our eyes would not be of parting sorrow, but the joy of reunion.
That very moment, we would stand as we did today, the very same people we are and were, with nothing changing who we were to begin with, the memories we had of each other and the love we had for the other.
At last, I pulled away, and smiled as brightly as I could.
“C’mon. We’d better get going. We have a feast to prepare. I have a feeling that Taemin will sulk at me for days if he finds out that I took you away from preparing his favourite steak. And, we’ll have quite some angst, trauma and whining to deal with once the boys hear the news. Goodness gracious me…” Finishing off with an exasperated sigh and rolling my eyes to the heavens, I smiled at Gwiboon, who smiled in return.
With that, we continued walking ahead, leaving the field of hasayakis that belonged to the two of us, and us only.
Yet, I knew that one day… some day… we will return to it once again…
-
哈薩雅琪, 哈薩雅琪, 一朵小野菊
Hasayaki, Hasayaki, yi duo xiao ye ju
(hasaykai, hasayaki, a small wild chrysanthemum bloom)
迎风摇曳, 娇小美丽
Ying feng yao yi, jiao xiao mei li
(dancing to the wind, petite yet beautiful)
使我想起你
Shi wo xiang qi ni
(it reminds me of you)
轻轻摘下, 送给了你
Qing qing zai xia, song gei liao ni
(gently I pluck it, presenting it to you)
你是否欢喜
Ni shi fou huan xi
(hoping it will bring a smile to your face)
哈薩雅琪, 哈薩雅琪, 一朵小野菊
Hasayaki, hasayaki, yi duo xiao ye ju
(hasayaki, hasayaki, a small wild chrysanthemum bloom)
-
Looking up from the piece of paper which was empty an hour ago, but was now filled with neat lines of words, the man stared at the sky, which was now pitch-black. With a sigh, he reached out to touch the white-purple spray of flowers, whose shapes reminded one of chrysanthemums, but whose colours spoke of an entirely different story.
Then, with a touch so gentle, he stroked the bowed heads of the flowers… so gentle, it was exactly as a man would thumb away the tears falling continuously from the eyes of the woman he loved with all his life…
-
One day… one day… we will return to that field of hasayakis.
Just you and me, in that field of hasayakis…
-
Disclaimer: Neither the song Hasayaki nor the characters used in this fic, are owned by me. (much to my dismay) The song's neither sung by nor written or composed by SHINee, but by the Chinese singer/composer Zhou Chuan Xiong.
web counter
-
and im back as promised! hope you guys like it! =)
inspiration this time was for one (or two) of the final chapters. and thus the motivation to finish this before shinee makes their korean comeback. =) i know this isn't the most awesome piece of work, but i promise the later ones will be good (at least im actually quite proud of them)!
enjoy! comments will be appreciated to know that someone/anyone's actually reading this. i kinda despaired and gave up on this awhile ago cause it seems like no one's actually interested. =(
entry to be struck through as plans are made to rewrite this at a later date
update: leaving it as it is (thank YOU secretscribe13!) though i may/will rewrite it if and when i come up with something! =)
[ Onew ]
“Hyung!” Looking up from my book, I saw Jonghyun’s head coming from behind the door to my room. “I’m done with the melody. Yes, I know its fast. But quality control’s been put in place. And yes, I also know that you’re dying to hear this very masterpiece done by the one and only Bling Bling Kim Jonghyun. Thus, I present you with this very demo tape. Be honoured.” Then, with a mock look of seriousness, he coughed before lowering his voices to sound like an old sage. “Be very honoured.”
Then, before I could shout after him to keep his room neat and tidy, the way it was when I last left it, he disappeared with a quick bow and a mischievous grin. Not before throwing the tape and a couple of manuscript sheets on my bed, of course.
Wasting no time, I tore my eyes from my book after carefully sticking a bookmark into the last page I was at, and half-walked, half-jumped onto the chair by my table. Pressing the play button the moment I put the tape into a slot located somewhere, amongst the equipment the boys and I used for our composing, I quickly put on my ear phones, taking care not to waste a single second.
-
Slumping back against my chair, I made full use of its swivel function, as I slowly allowed the melody to sink into me. I had to admit that I was indeed honoured to be the first person to hear Jjong’s composition. Very honoured to, in fact.
Somehow, deep inside me, I knew that it must have taken a lot from that boy to come up with that tune, with his particular “her” in mind. And now, I will have to search deep inside me, past my current life as SHINee’s leader, to find that part of me to write this song.
Staring into the space outside my window for a moment or so, I mentally went through some lines. However, before I could go on to the next line, an imaginary rubbish bin would appear and I would mentally throw the lines or words I had come up with into it.
“I miss you”… too cliché.
“The times we had”… a formula which had been repeated over and over again.
“I love you”… surely it was more than that!
Slowly, I felt my brain running out of lines, as I took longer and longer to come up with each line. Finally, subconsciously, I started staring, dazed into the distance. The sun was nowhere in sight, and the sky, a pleasant shade of blue, ornamented between regular intervals by clouds. The only hint that it was nearing dusk was a slight purple, orange hue that was slowly sipping into the sky. Suddenly, something caught my eye, as a slight evening breeze entered my room.
The white-purple spray of hasayaki danced happily along with the breeze, nodding its many heads merrily at me, its colour still evident, despite having been left to dry a long long time ago. Hasayaki…
Hasayaki…
-
Gwiboon was one of the most special girls I have ever met. Of all the people I have met and befriended, I treasure a chosen few with all my heart. The SHINee boys definitely belong to this group. But Gwiboon… she belongs to a league of her own.
I can’t point a finger as to exactly when and where we met. All I knew was that it seemed as though I had known Gwiboon all my life. And she seemed to have known me all her life. We knew what the other person felt or thought, even before a word or expression could be shown or said to give the game away. Yet, telepathy would not be an apt enough term to describe the chemistry between the two of us. As I have said, it just seemed as though we had known each other all our lives. And it would remain this way for the rest of our lives.
We were not what most would call a couple. There was more to our relationship than that. To call us a couple would be too simplistic. We were something more than partners in life, almost literal soul mates.
Despite my busy schedule when I assumed the position of band member, and more specifically, leader of SHINee, things always remained the same between us. Our growing fan base and increasingly hectic schedules did not translate into a greater distance between the two of us. Whenever our work proved too much for us, and concerts and appearances were required of us on the daily basis, she would drop by our apartment to help clean up the mess we would have accumulated. And we would end off another tiring day, knowing that when we reached home, Gwiboon would be there, waiting for us with the table set, and a satisfying meal which would somehow always be piping hot regardless of the time we reached home.
She was like the little homemaker of the family, and in no time, the rest of the boys had began addressing her as “Noona”, or at times when we were especially tired and the meal was exceptionally tasty, “Noona dearest”. Whenever the game maniac Minho, or Jonghyun gamed a little too much, refused to be packed off to bed or change out of their performance costumes, she would always be the one to nag them into it. And they, in turn, would obey her, often with the tongue in cheek reply of “Yes, mummy.”
So you must be wondering why it is that up till now, the headlines “Mysterious Girl found Entering and Leaving SHINee Apartment” have not been screaming from the newspapers or tabloids; or why Key is now the one in charge of cooking all our meals, while I have to take on the role of bugging game maniac and friends to switch off their PS3.
I remember a particular piece of open space that Gwiboon and I used to stroll in, whenever we found the time to. It was a plot of land, isolated from roads, buildings and the buzz of city life, yet conveniently near our apartment. I also remember that the best time to go there would be in the evenings, as the sun begins to set, colouring the entire sky a flaming orange or purple.
Most of the time, we would always walk in silence, but at times, soft, quiet conversations would punctuate the silence around us, with simple questions and answers being thrown back and forth between us both. Once in awhile, she would look up to see me smiling at her, probably at something she had said or was thinking, and she would respond with either a smile or a pout, chiding me for “laughing at her”.
Or at times, she would catch me staring at her silently, just staring, staring, and staring at her, as though I could go on like this for eternity, and she would simply blush and bow her head, refusing to look at me for the next few minutes or so, while mumbling something incoherently under her breath.
Also, what was unique about this field, were the little white-purple sprays of flowers that grew in it. They never seemed to disappear, be it in spring, summer, autumn or winter. And no matter how hard we searched, we could never find the name of the flower, where it came from, or why it could only be found in this field and nowhere else.
All we knew was that it probably belonged to the same family as chrysanthemums, and that was that. Finally, when we had given up in our search, we would sit down in the middle of the field, amongst the white-purple sprays, taking in the simple beauty of it all, the failed search another reason for us to treasure all that we had before us. It was also then, that Gwiboon decided to name it “hasayaki”.
“Because it sounds unique and it has the slightest bit of romantic flavour to it. Because… because!” Then with a wide grin, she would repeat its name over and over again, enjoying the feel of the words rolling from her tongue.
-
Things went on smoothly, albums were released, along with singles, music videos were shot, photoshoots were done, picturebooks were compiled, CFs were made and interviews on radio stations were recorded. It seemed as though this would be the way life would be like from now on, with my life revolving around SHINee, the public personalities we were and had to upkeep, looking after the boys, who would quickly undergo 180 degree changes from the soppy-ballad singing, I-will-die-for-my-love-angst-filled images when performing, into the Emma Watson fanboy, gaming maniac and company that they were at home, and… Gwiboon.
Once, after a crazily hectic month of promotions, activities and photo shoots, so many that it was literally a “whirlwind of activities”, we were given a day off. It was for us to recharge, and to put things from the management’s perspective, prepare us for another month or two of similar craziness. The boys had been preparing to make good use of this holiday, ever since the last day off we were given ended, and the apartment was silent in no time. Jjong was out watching some movies, Minho had managed to persuade, or rather, drag Taemin away from his books and school for a game of soccer with his Minseok-hyung. Key was either quietly asleep upstairs, or out shopping in the streets of Seoul, with his cap lowered and his back hunched, trying as hard as he could not to attract any attention to himself.
While such a disguise had its fair number of successes, there were of course, a number of failures. This would mean a flushed Key running back to the apartment, slamming the door shut, leaning against it, panting, eyes closed, his lips moving slightly and furiously, in prayer or meditation.
That, of course, applied to the rest of the boys, with the occasional exception of my-ego’s-so-big-it-could-form-another-me Jjong, who would swagger in, smirking, talking about how many girls had screamed and ran after him, and how they were prettier and hotter than those who ran after the rest of us. Then again, that was only on rare occasions, when he was not too busy catching his breath trying to push the door shut, or with his hands clasped together in prayer for having escaped another SHINee-crazy mob with his life AND clothes intact.
Gwiboon and I had decided to go for a stroll in the field once again, with few hours to spare before we had to return and Gwiboon had to begin preparing dinner for the boys, whom judging from the menu-of-the-day they had given her, were looking forward to a feast of their favourite food.
Once again, we walked through the field, as always, and although the sun was nowhere in sight, it had managed to paint the entire sky an unswerving shade of orange. There were no clouds in the sky, yet a slight breeze kept the air around us cool and light.
At least, that applied to me. Somehow, Gwiboon seemed a little more quiet than usual, her answers to my questions and remarks, short, almost monosyllabic.
I didn’t know how to ask her what was wrong. Maybe it was because I was just too used to knowing what was wrong, or her telling me what was wrong. Either way, we walked on in silence. I knew she would not keep it from me for long. That was simply not the Gwiboon I knew.
Finally, I sensed her slowing down her pace, and she began to stare intensely at her shoes, or at the sprays of hasayaki which were scattered across the field… I didn’t know which.
“Jinki…”
Finally, she broke the silence.
I didn’t like the look she had on her face.
The sorrow in her eyes.
The reluctance that seemed to be screaming, tearing at her.
I didn’t like all that I was seeing. And I knew I wasn’t going to like the words which she was about to say. Yet, I knew that I had to hear them.
“Jinki…”
She started once again, but like the previous attempt, she did not go any further than those 2 syllables.
Even the act of saying them seemed to bring so much pain to her, so much pain that I wanted to ease it away, yet, I didn’t know how to. All I could do was to look at her, bending in the process to look into the pair of pained eyes, that bowed head, searching her eyes with mine for any clues they might give away.
“I…” From the moment she said that word, I wished so hard, so hard that everything could be muted, so I wouldn’t have to hear anything. I wished so hard. So hard.
“I have to leave.”
“Leave?” All I could do was to repeat after her, dumbly, like a fool.
“I have to leave. Leave Korea. For the States.”
“Why?” Dumbfounded, all I could do was utter word after another, in response to her statements, with each sounding more like a demand than a question.
“My family’s moving there. And they want me to be there. I have to be there.”
“Why?”
“My grandmother hasn’t been in good health all these years. The doctors say this could be her last year with us. Halmeoni wants me by her side. I want to be by her side.”
“Why?”
“Jinki… please understand. They are my family. They need me.”
“Why?”
“Jinki… please. Please. Don’t make this harder than it already is.” She pleaded with me. Yet, I was deaf to all her pleas, as they were drowned out by the same words which seemed to roar in my ears over and over again.
Why?
Why?
“They need me, Jinki. Please. Understand…”
“Why?”
This time, she did not respond to my question, which no longer sounded like one, but sounded every bit like a demand. “Why?”
This time, it was her turn to search my eyes with hers. I could see the agony she was going through, as she bit onto her lips so hard that they turned a deathly shade of white.
Her hand clutched her collar, as though by doing so, it might help free her from the pain she was going through, that it might take away the dull, aching throbbing coming from her heart. Her other hand clutched my arm, seemingly hoping that it would help me understand that she was going through a similar, if not, greater pain than me.
“But we need you too. We need you! We all need you! The boys need you! I need you!” This string of words came out, soft at first, but gradually increasing in volume, until I finally shouted the last three words out.
I wasn’t sure about the first few statements, but the last was something I was definitely certain about.
“And my family needs me too.”
Shaking my head repeatedly, I stubbornly refused to budge from my stand.
“Jinki, please. It isn’t going to be permanent. We just need a year, two at the maximum to settle down. Then, I promise I’ll be back.”
Comical as it sounds, despite being the leader of SHINee, the hyung, the child in me began to throw a tantrum, sounding like a completely spoilt brat.
“But I don’t want you to leave! I want you to stay here with us! With me!” I knew it was useless, that it was not going to help things. But still, the child in me implored, begging, hoping, pleading, for a positive reply, for the biggest candy in the candy jar.
Everything just seemed like a blur mess. Just like the tears which were running down my cheeks, blurring my vision, blurring my thoughts. All I could do was to repeat myself over and over again, and all Gwiboon could do was to shake her head profusely, as tears continued pouring from her eyes.
Finally, I was defeated.
As to why I gave in, I had no idea. It might have been her tears, or because the child in me finally grew tired of throwing a tantrum and allowed the adult, who knew that Gwiboon’s departure was a fact I had to accept, take over.
Either way, I stopped my questions, silencing the ones which were echoing in my head.
Then, gently as I could, while trying as hard as possible to ignore the aching in my chest, I reached out to wipe the tears which were flowing down her cheeks. Gently, I thumbed away each tear which ran down her cheeks, one by one, tear by tear, until they finally stopped falling.
Then, doing the only thing that I could and wanted to do, I enveloped her in an embrace, as I closed my eyes, hoping silently that time would stop for the both of us, in this field of hasayaki.
-
“Jinki…”
“Hmmm?”
A conversation rose once again, as we strolled back towards civilization, hand in hand.
“I remember a quote from this book I was reading once. The Outsiders. It was this quote one character said to the main character, before he left.” Her tone was hesitant as she pronounced the final word, and I felt my heart cringe ever so slightly.
“What was it?”
“Stay golden, ponyboy. Stay golden.”
I did not know what to say, how to react. All I could do was to continue plodding on ahead.
“Stay golden. Just as I want you to stay simple, Jinki. Remain the man I know you to be, the one I love.”
I turned to look at her, as I felt words rushing from the back of my throat, but she got there before me.
“The entertainment scene… it’s just…”
I understood where she was coming from. The entertainment scene had always been one complicated circle, with scandals and rumors appearing one after another, day after day, in constant progression. There would always be news every other day, of a celebrity being involved with one too many woman, artistes getting drunk in a pub before starting a brawl, stars dabbling in drugs and alcohol… it was just one big, thorny, complex problem by itself. Some of these people are in search of simplicity in their lives, the need for simplicity in their now convoluted lives, surrounded by parties, hidden meanings in words and the almost-omnipotent media. I know many who wish to return to the former simplicity in their lives.
I could and would have been one of them, if not for Gwiboon. It was her simplicity and one-mindedness that kept me sane from this crazy, psychedelic world I was a part of. It is this very world that many hope to enter, until they finally see the road of no return that it truly is.
It was Gwiboon’s one-mindedness towards me, us that kept me the person I was and still am. The person who after all the craziness and fanatical fans, is still able to talk to her as we stroll amongst the hasayakis. Everything she did, her purpose was to keep me the person I am and was, to save me from the crazy world I was supposed to live in. She was the buoy I clung on to desperately, to save me from being absorbed into the whirlpool, to save me from drowning.
“I know. I know…” The only response I could give her, besides the verbal one, was to tighten my grip on her hand, passing on the warmth from mine to hers. It was a silent vow I made to her, one that would never disappear, ever.
Suddenly, we both stopped in our tracks, in unison, just a step before we completely walked out of the field of hasayakis. At that very moment, we were of one mind. Turning to embrace each other, the tears began flowing again, as though on cue.
Stay golden.
Stay simple.
And yet, the tears kept flowing…
Stay golden.
Stay simple.
Stay golden.
Stay simple.
I didn’t know which was which.
“I will come back, Jinki. I promise. I promise you I will. And it’ll be just like today. Just you and me. Just the two of us, here.”
Once again, everything before my eyes returned to the blurry mess it was moments ago. Yet, this time around, my mind was able to see through the indistinct, fuzzy mess it was in, to see a scene.
It would be a year or two down the road, and Gwiboon and I would be standing in the middle of this field as we were moments ago, embracing each other, filling each other with the warmth from our own bodies, as prove that we did exist, and were not just a fragment of the other’s imagination.
Then, the tears which would flow from our eyes would not be of parting sorrow, but the joy of reunion.
That very moment, we would stand as we did today, the very same people we are and were, with nothing changing who we were to begin with, the memories we had of each other and the love we had for the other.
At last, I pulled away, and smiled as brightly as I could.
“C’mon. We’d better get going. We have a feast to prepare. I have a feeling that Taemin will sulk at me for days if he finds out that I took you away from preparing his favourite steak. And, we’ll have quite some angst, trauma and whining to deal with once the boys hear the news. Goodness gracious me…” Finishing off with an exasperated sigh and rolling my eyes to the heavens, I smiled at Gwiboon, who smiled in return.
With that, we continued walking ahead, leaving the field of hasayakis that belonged to the two of us, and us only.
Yet, I knew that one day… some day… we will return to it once again…
-
哈薩雅琪, 哈薩雅琪, 一朵小野菊
Hasayaki, Hasayaki, yi duo xiao ye ju
(hasaykai, hasayaki, a small wild chrysanthemum bloom)
迎风摇曳, 娇小美丽
Ying feng yao yi, jiao xiao mei li
(dancing to the wind, petite yet beautiful)
使我想起你
Shi wo xiang qi ni
(it reminds me of you)
轻轻摘下, 送给了你
Qing qing zai xia, song gei liao ni
(gently I pluck it, presenting it to you)
你是否欢喜
Ni shi fou huan xi
(hoping it will bring a smile to your face)
哈薩雅琪, 哈薩雅琪, 一朵小野菊
Hasayaki, hasayaki, yi duo xiao ye ju
(hasayaki, hasayaki, a small wild chrysanthemum bloom)
-
Looking up from the piece of paper which was empty an hour ago, but was now filled with neat lines of words, the man stared at the sky, which was now pitch-black. With a sigh, he reached out to touch the white-purple spray of flowers, whose shapes reminded one of chrysanthemums, but whose colours spoke of an entirely different story.
Then, with a touch so gentle, he stroked the bowed heads of the flowers… so gentle, it was exactly as a man would thumb away the tears falling continuously from the eyes of the woman he loved with all his life…
-
One day… one day… we will return to that field of hasayakis.
Just you and me, in that field of hasayakis…
-
Disclaimer: Neither the song Hasayaki nor the characters used in this fic, are owned by me. (much to my dismay) The song's neither sung by nor written or composed by SHINee, but by the Chinese singer/composer Zhou Chuan Xiong.
web counter
-
and im back as promised! hope you guys like it! =)
inspiration this time was for one (or two) of the final chapters. and thus the motivation to finish this before shinee makes their korean comeback. =) i know this isn't the most awesome piece of work, but i promise the later ones will be good (at least im actually quite proud of them)!
enjoy! comments will be appreciated to know that someone/anyone's actually reading this. i kinda despaired and gave up on this awhile ago cause it seems like no one's actually interested. =(
entry to be struck through as plans are made to rewrite this at a later date
update: leaving it as it is (thank YOU secretscribe13!) though i may/will rewrite it if and when i come up with something! =)