Unforgivable Sinner - because a heart can only love one
Kim Song Dam was the vice-president to my president in the Astronomy Club. She was also the beloved elder sister of Kim Jonghyun.
The Kim siblings were known for possessing the most heavenly voices. With a voice like an angel, I often wondered aloud why Song Dam joined the astronomy club, instead of the school choir or jazz club.
She would look at me meaningfully, pausing, before saying simply, “Because I prefer looking at real stars, natural ones.”
Then, I never really understood what she meant. Or the meaning behind her words.
Despite knowing her for only three years, Song Dam was my best friend. In spite of the numerous nudges I got from my friends, I would shake my head, again and again. She was my best friend.
Moreover, a heart only has space for one. It was another Kim who possessed my heart.
I would watch as she waited for him outside his class, or vice versa, depending on whose class ended earlier. And they would walk home together. Sometimes, I would accompany them.
Walking alongside them, I would watch them, teasing, laughing, talking, caring for the other. Those who didn’t know better would think they were lovers. But beyond love between man and woman, there is the more fundamental love between siblings. One that the former can never tear apart, or even undermine.
Walking alongside them, I would also marvel at the genetic artistry before me. The way they smiled, the way their eyes twinkled, the arch of their noses, Song Dam was the girl Jonghyun would have been. Or if Song Dam was a guy, she would definitely be Jonghyun.
Due to our roles in the Astronomy Club, and the fact that we were classmates, I spent more time with Song Dam than Jonghyun. Sometimes, I would catch myself looking at her for longer than was necessary, as her face would fuse to become that of Jonghyun’s that I always held in my mind.
She would blush ever so slightly. Catching her blush, I would feel my face flush as well. Our friendship was purely platonic and I didn’t want to ruin it through my moments of carelessness.
Or maybe, more accurately, they were moments of longing for someone I had no legitimate reason to meet.
Song Dam was the only way I could see Jonghyun.
'Cause between this world and eternity
There is a face you hope to see
People say I’m unobservant, slow on the uptake, that for all my academic brilliance, I was an emotional retard. Maybe I am. Maybe Jonghyun made me unable to notice others.
And so I failed to see the shock, the disappointment, and then the utter despair in Song Dam’s eyes when she finally saw the way I looked at her brother. Time, time and again.
I failed to understand the point to her questions, her tirade, when one day she cornered me near the clubroom and asked, no, screamed at me, “Why Jjongie? Why Jjongie, Jinki? Why? Why? Why is it my brother?”
I just stood there, shellshocked, wondering how she noticed, when she first realized it. But I never really questioned why she was so upset. Or why tears welled up in her eyes and spilled over as she turned and ran from me.
I saw her again, days later. She caught my curious, afraid glance at her and gave me her signature smile, though weaker than usual. “Pabo,” she said, as she punched me on the arm. But I also heard the finality in the word. No more was to be said of the matter.
I was confused, absolutely confused. What was going on?
Finally, my friends couldn’t take it anymore. With a mixture of amusement, amazement and exasperation, they chimed in one after another, telling me what my best friend could never bring herself to say, all these years.
Weeks later, just days from our graduation, I received a text message from her. I didn’t know how to respond.
“This is hell, Jinki. This is hell.”
You know where you’ve sent her…
In the following days, I shuddered when I noticed how Jonghyun’s glare followed me each time he caught sight of me.
To her credit, I saw Song Dam coaxing him gently.
Why? Don’t you understand? It’s you I want, not her.
I don’t mean to cause her any hurt. But I can’t love her. I can’t.
Even for your sake, for her sake, for both your sake, I can’t.
Don’t you see what it would do?
I can’t be her boyfriend. I can’t be your sister’s boyfriend.
I can’t.
Frustrated tears flowed each night, soaking my pillow. But Jonghyun would never understand. To him, I would just be the sunbae who made his sister cry. The sunbae who didn’t return his beloved sister’s love.
He didn’t see the sunbae who could not love her. He didn’t see the boy, who loved him.
You've been walking around in tears
No answers are there to get
You won't ever be the same
Someone cries and you're to blame
School became monotonous. Jonghyun was slowly coaxed into a grudging acceptance of me.
How I wished, so dreadfully, that I could tell him why I didn’t accept his noona’s love. Why I couldn’t.
But it would never work. He would never speak to me again. He would never forgive himself, his existence standing in the way of his noona’s happiness.
Kinda lose your sense of time
'Cause the days don't matter no more
All the feelings that you hide
Gonna tear you up inside
At times, I wonder if I could try loving her. Maybe things would be better that way. I would still have the two of them in my life, nevermind what I really felt.
But every time I see her beautiful smile, I see his crooked grin.
Every time I hear her twinkling laughter, his laughter, just a pitch lower, echoes in my ears, in my mind.
I tried. I really did.
It wasn’t for a lack of trying.
You hope she knows you tried
Graduation day came along. Unsurprisingly, she was chosen to sing our batch song. On stage, to thundering applause, she began singing. Halfway through the song, she caught my eye and smiled. But I missed something in the smile that I used to see, almost everyday, for three years. And I knew neither she nor I could ever find it again.
I stared, and stared, and stared, hoping so much the smile I had grown accustomed to would return. I watched her lips, as they moved, but no angelic voice reached my ears. I couldn’t hear the words she sang.
And now she’s up there
Sings like an angel
But you can’t hear those words
I watch as Jonghyun looks at the boy from the class next door. While that boy looks at his best friend, the popular hoobae soccer player, Minho. And like Jonghyun and the boy before him, Minho is blind to the one who looks so eagerly at him. He only looks at the new addition to the Astronomy Club, the forlorn boy, Taemin.
I know each of us wishes so hard he could look at us, to stop seeking, straining to search for the other who doesn’t see him. To turn back to look at those who wish so feverishly he would spare us a glance, even for just a moment, a second.
But a heart can only love one.
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inspiration! I LOVE THEE! it's from here.
a lot of angst but i hope its a good ending for everything! =)
The Kim siblings were known for possessing the most heavenly voices. With a voice like an angel, I often wondered aloud why Song Dam joined the astronomy club, instead of the school choir or jazz club.
She would look at me meaningfully, pausing, before saying simply, “Because I prefer looking at real stars, natural ones.”
Then, I never really understood what she meant. Or the meaning behind her words.
Despite knowing her for only three years, Song Dam was my best friend. In spite of the numerous nudges I got from my friends, I would shake my head, again and again. She was my best friend.
Moreover, a heart only has space for one. It was another Kim who possessed my heart.
I would watch as she waited for him outside his class, or vice versa, depending on whose class ended earlier. And they would walk home together. Sometimes, I would accompany them.
Walking alongside them, I would watch them, teasing, laughing, talking, caring for the other. Those who didn’t know better would think they were lovers. But beyond love between man and woman, there is the more fundamental love between siblings. One that the former can never tear apart, or even undermine.
Walking alongside them, I would also marvel at the genetic artistry before me. The way they smiled, the way their eyes twinkled, the arch of their noses, Song Dam was the girl Jonghyun would have been. Or if Song Dam was a guy, she would definitely be Jonghyun.
Due to our roles in the Astronomy Club, and the fact that we were classmates, I spent more time with Song Dam than Jonghyun. Sometimes, I would catch myself looking at her for longer than was necessary, as her face would fuse to become that of Jonghyun’s that I always held in my mind.
She would blush ever so slightly. Catching her blush, I would feel my face flush as well. Our friendship was purely platonic and I didn’t want to ruin it through my moments of carelessness.
Or maybe, more accurately, they were moments of longing for someone I had no legitimate reason to meet.
Song Dam was the only way I could see Jonghyun.
'Cause between this world and eternity
There is a face you hope to see
People say I’m unobservant, slow on the uptake, that for all my academic brilliance, I was an emotional retard. Maybe I am. Maybe Jonghyun made me unable to notice others.
And so I failed to see the shock, the disappointment, and then the utter despair in Song Dam’s eyes when she finally saw the way I looked at her brother. Time, time and again.
I failed to understand the point to her questions, her tirade, when one day she cornered me near the clubroom and asked, no, screamed at me, “Why Jjongie? Why Jjongie, Jinki? Why? Why? Why is it my brother?”
I just stood there, shellshocked, wondering how she noticed, when she first realized it. But I never really questioned why she was so upset. Or why tears welled up in her eyes and spilled over as she turned and ran from me.
I saw her again, days later. She caught my curious, afraid glance at her and gave me her signature smile, though weaker than usual. “Pabo,” she said, as she punched me on the arm. But I also heard the finality in the word. No more was to be said of the matter.
I was confused, absolutely confused. What was going on?
Finally, my friends couldn’t take it anymore. With a mixture of amusement, amazement and exasperation, they chimed in one after another, telling me what my best friend could never bring herself to say, all these years.
Weeks later, just days from our graduation, I received a text message from her. I didn’t know how to respond.
“This is hell, Jinki. This is hell.”
You know where you’ve sent her…
In the following days, I shuddered when I noticed how Jonghyun’s glare followed me each time he caught sight of me.
To her credit, I saw Song Dam coaxing him gently.
Why? Don’t you understand? It’s you I want, not her.
I don’t mean to cause her any hurt. But I can’t love her. I can’t.
Even for your sake, for her sake, for both your sake, I can’t.
Don’t you see what it would do?
I can’t be her boyfriend. I can’t be your sister’s boyfriend.
I can’t.
Frustrated tears flowed each night, soaking my pillow. But Jonghyun would never understand. To him, I would just be the sunbae who made his sister cry. The sunbae who didn’t return his beloved sister’s love.
He didn’t see the sunbae who could not love her. He didn’t see the boy, who loved him.
You've been walking around in tears
No answers are there to get
You won't ever be the same
Someone cries and you're to blame
School became monotonous. Jonghyun was slowly coaxed into a grudging acceptance of me.
How I wished, so dreadfully, that I could tell him why I didn’t accept his noona’s love. Why I couldn’t.
But it would never work. He would never speak to me again. He would never forgive himself, his existence standing in the way of his noona’s happiness.
Kinda lose your sense of time
'Cause the days don't matter no more
All the feelings that you hide
Gonna tear you up inside
At times, I wonder if I could try loving her. Maybe things would be better that way. I would still have the two of them in my life, nevermind what I really felt.
But every time I see her beautiful smile, I see his crooked grin.
Every time I hear her twinkling laughter, his laughter, just a pitch lower, echoes in my ears, in my mind.
I tried. I really did.
It wasn’t for a lack of trying.
You hope she knows you tried
Graduation day came along. Unsurprisingly, she was chosen to sing our batch song. On stage, to thundering applause, she began singing. Halfway through the song, she caught my eye and smiled. But I missed something in the smile that I used to see, almost everyday, for three years. And I knew neither she nor I could ever find it again.
I stared, and stared, and stared, hoping so much the smile I had grown accustomed to would return. I watched her lips, as they moved, but no angelic voice reached my ears. I couldn’t hear the words she sang.
And now she’s up there
Sings like an angel
But you can’t hear those words
I watch as Jonghyun looks at the boy from the class next door. While that boy looks at his best friend, the popular hoobae soccer player, Minho. And like Jonghyun and the boy before him, Minho is blind to the one who looks so eagerly at him. He only looks at the new addition to the Astronomy Club, the forlorn boy, Taemin.
I know each of us wishes so hard he could look at us, to stop seeking, straining to search for the other who doesn’t see him. To turn back to look at those who wish so feverishly he would spare us a glance, even for just a moment, a second.
But a heart can only love one.
web counter
-
inspiration! I LOVE THEE! it's from here.
a lot of angst but i hope its a good ending for everything! =)