BAh Hummmmmmm Fu*K
this last weekend was horrible....I missed GWW and kittys Memorial....
Thursday Stopped at the hospital....Mom was in a private room and resting. Cant have anything Oral therapist working on her swallowing.
Friday Went to the hospital with my little sister to bring flowers and got to the hospital only to find that she was moved back to CCU because she coughed up blood. Went down there and my mother was pissed and would not cooperate with the nurses and threated to punch me when I tryed to tell her she could not take the bandage off the arm that is critical. I left choating back tears...amen for kelly she gave me a hug on the elevator and that helped but I couldnt break down into tears infront of her. Dropped her off and didnt say anything to my dad...cause hes been poppin nytro like its candy ever since this started. Went back to my sisters house and waited for her to come home.
Not that it was a great relief because then I had to deal with her losing hersel fina bottle of wine and her ranting about who and what was the cause of her duaghters herion addiction. That night it became my exbother in laws fault...because he has had a struggle himself with his own addiction over the years. So now its his fault...and not anything to do with my sisters need to drink to calm her nerves or to hide in that bottle instead of facing life. UGh....its like the blame game ...and it was over and over and over the same story and same bullshit.
Is there no acountability in her to anything ? I was exhausted mentally I just wanted to go to bed and excape her and everything that happend that day.
Saturday I mentality exhausted and afriad to go to the hospital and face my mothers condition and what ever she was going to be like. Im not even sure my mother is all there cause her actions yesterday where not of my mother but some frustrated scared and pissed off human that wanted nothing more to get alittle control of her life back. IT just so happened I got the worst of the threats ...when I was only trying to calm and reasure her. I sat saturday working a a tunic I found in my car and watch some TV....I had the worst Migrane and finally my sister came home and hit the bottle first thing. Dammit we where going to the hospital and the last thing my mother needs is to smell booze on her breath or listen to her drunken babble. But off we went and it was uncomfortable and I just didnt want to be there...my mother became angery agian and mostly cause I could tell she could tell my sister had been drinking I think. BAck home to her house and she finished off the bottle and her rantings got worst and covered all sorts of stuff...I had enough and just excussed myself and went to bed.
In the morning I went home and It was such a reflief to drive home and more so to get home and get huggs from my kids...a smile from my dog and I spent the rest of the day making homeade spagitti sauce from tomatoes from my sisters garden. The I made some Vegi lasagna which turned out yummy. ME and jasmine also baked a cake from scratch from an old 1950's betty croker cook book I got from a friends garage sale.
Cooking was a pleasure cause I got to do something without any bullshit attached to it...and didnt have to deal with family bullshit.
I swear if I dont myself have a nervous breakdown at some point it will be a miracle. My brother says I need not stay at my sisters because her life and bullshit is not healthy....and no matter wha tI say or do to try and help her its useless. She is in love with her misery.
HEr duaghter herion addiction is no ones fault but her own...and both of her parents for never saying no to her and most of all setting an unhealthy example. ITs same but true. If the state dose not give back her baby to her she has no one to blame but herself. And I wish she would give that baby up for adoption....cause I know a couple of really amazing people that would love to have a child and give it the best home and life. Ok....one last thing....dear journal....Today the doctors have said they will apputate my mother hand and some of her toes...but they will try and save her wrist. I am so.....numb. I just don't know what to do at the moment.... I wish I could remember how to cry...because it would feel really good. ok one positive ending....Petting bunnies is good therapy...so I think all go home and do just that.
Might just pet a guiene pig and puppy as well for good luck.
Thursday Stopped at the hospital....Mom was in a private room and resting. Cant have anything Oral therapist working on her swallowing.
Friday Went to the hospital with my little sister to bring flowers and got to the hospital only to find that she was moved back to CCU because she coughed up blood. Went down there and my mother was pissed and would not cooperate with the nurses and threated to punch me when I tryed to tell her she could not take the bandage off the arm that is critical. I left choating back tears...amen for kelly she gave me a hug on the elevator and that helped but I couldnt break down into tears infront of her. Dropped her off and didnt say anything to my dad...cause hes been poppin nytro like its candy ever since this started. Went back to my sisters house and waited for her to come home.
Not that it was a great relief because then I had to deal with her losing hersel fina bottle of wine and her ranting about who and what was the cause of her duaghters herion addiction. That night it became my exbother in laws fault...because he has had a struggle himself with his own addiction over the years. So now its his fault...and not anything to do with my sisters need to drink to calm her nerves or to hide in that bottle instead of facing life. UGh....its like the blame game ...and it was over and over and over the same story and same bullshit.
Is there no acountability in her to anything ? I was exhausted mentally I just wanted to go to bed and excape her and everything that happend that day.
Saturday I mentality exhausted and afriad to go to the hospital and face my mothers condition and what ever she was going to be like. Im not even sure my mother is all there cause her actions yesterday where not of my mother but some frustrated scared and pissed off human that wanted nothing more to get alittle control of her life back. IT just so happened I got the worst of the threats ...when I was only trying to calm and reasure her. I sat saturday working a a tunic I found in my car and watch some TV....I had the worst Migrane and finally my sister came home and hit the bottle first thing. Dammit we where going to the hospital and the last thing my mother needs is to smell booze on her breath or listen to her drunken babble. But off we went and it was uncomfortable and I just didnt want to be there...my mother became angery agian and mostly cause I could tell she could tell my sister had been drinking I think. BAck home to her house and she finished off the bottle and her rantings got worst and covered all sorts of stuff...I had enough and just excussed myself and went to bed.
In the morning I went home and It was such a reflief to drive home and more so to get home and get huggs from my kids...a smile from my dog and I spent the rest of the day making homeade spagitti sauce from tomatoes from my sisters garden. The I made some Vegi lasagna which turned out yummy. ME and jasmine also baked a cake from scratch from an old 1950's betty croker cook book I got from a friends garage sale.
Cooking was a pleasure cause I got to do something without any bullshit attached to it...and didnt have to deal with family bullshit.
I swear if I dont myself have a nervous breakdown at some point it will be a miracle. My brother says I need not stay at my sisters because her life and bullshit is not healthy....and no matter wha tI say or do to try and help her its useless. She is in love with her misery.
HEr duaghter herion addiction is no ones fault but her own...and both of her parents for never saying no to her and most of all setting an unhealthy example. ITs same but true. If the state dose not give back her baby to her she has no one to blame but herself. And I wish she would give that baby up for adoption....cause I know a couple of really amazing people that would love to have a child and give it the best home and life. Ok....one last thing....dear journal....Today the doctors have said they will apputate my mother hand and some of her toes...but they will try and save her wrist. I am so.....numb. I just don't know what to do at the moment.... I wish I could remember how to cry...because it would feel really good. ok one positive ending....Petting bunnies is good therapy...so I think all go home and do just that.
Might just pet a guiene pig and puppy as well for good luck.