8/21/2009
Its 12:56 Texas time,so I just woke up about ten minutes ago and everything that went through me night just crashed into my head all at once. But I guess it wasn't in such a negative manner like honestly it feels good to release my inner feelings. Hold on I have some Neutrogena stuff on my face and I need to wipe it off and do the next part. BRB. Ok I did the other treatment but anyways yeah it felt like I released my feelings and it allows people to see into me a little bit more because I have such a wall up surrounding me that it doesn't really allow people to know the stuff I go through on a daily basis like people are used to seeing the always smiling me or whatever they usually see from me but they don't see what goes on inside my head and same with me, I don't see what's going on in their head. Sometimes I think what if I tell/show people the real me which sounds totally cliche but I do and they choose to not except it like someone in my family knows something about me and they put it to the side like hopefully it's just a phase. I feel like in order for me to be happy and love myself and be happy in my own skin I need to allow myself to open up and show people and my family because if I be fake for my whole life I will never accept who I am so when people make fun of the things I'm doing and it's not really me I can't stand their and say just ignore because I know who i am and why I am doing it. Does that make sense? I mean if I be me than I can really say I am going to be myself and don't care what you think. There are certain things that I am beginining to learn about myself a little bit. Like I am a very strong-willed Person. I mean in the back of m head I know I have the potential and then some to do what I have to do to make my life better as fas as being positive and getting to college which will take me 13-15 years! Also I need to have good grades so many I can get a scholarship because I really want to go to school Abroad because it has always been a dream of mine. To move to England or Australia or New Zealand. I really want togo to England because Rob pattinson lived there but I guess that's not much of a motive Right now I am still in my pajamas and Kealas watching Johnny test and eating a little bit of cake because we got her this special cake and she wanted to taste it But yeah I really have nothing to talk about right now except last night I had a dream about high school and it was orientation and I was hanging out with Eilona and Rache and they were being mean and then it was my teachers birthday and this guy gave her a weave yeah it was really weird and it all happen ed inside of like a trailer. Lol I know it was weird but I remember it very much. Well I don't really have anything to blab about right now I think I am going to go eat some raviolis.
Love,
Deja Kirkland