8/20/2009
So today I got my phone taken away for the first time. I guess I used over 1,202 Minutes out of 1,800 Minutes me and my mom share. I guess I wasn't being responsible but it's ok because I get it back in two weeks, which is on September 3rd. It doesn't seem like it will be long but I know that it will. I am going to try and be devoted to this whole Blogging thing a ma jigger but i'm not sure if I will be able to, I get so bored with this stuff so fast. I mean seriously knowone is going to read it except me and I already know my own thoughts. I guess everytime I want to send a text I will just come over here and post a blog going on Or whatever but it's kind of boring. So anyways before I start my journaling about the events of the boring day my mom just came up to me and said that my dad put my name in youtube and looked it up and he said he checks it so now I think that's kind of creepy like seriously who does that. It is a youtube account not a myspace or something else. It's like it's overboard but luckily I have this jounal thing where I can put my whole thoughts. I think it is honestly overboard to do that it's like I understand that you want to protect your child but that's creepy. Whatever, I only worry that someone is faking to be me because of all the drama I have had at school. I remember this one time my neighbor made a myspace saying it was me and was putting all types of embarassing stuff and she even put a picture of my crush Eric Paredes[R.I.P] And he thought it was me and it was very very embarassing and people would make stupid things acting like it was me when it really wasnt and they would message people and start drama with them just to try and make me get all this negative attention and knowone believed that it was not me and it's kind of stupid and it hurts because then I get blamed for the things I didn't even do. Like people will give away my Old cell number and I would get prank texts and calls but now that doesn't happen with my new phone luckily:). Anyways, I am listening to " Ordinary People" by John Legend. It's an older song yet it's really good and has a great meaning. Sometimes I feel like I have sinned to the extreme and feel like god could never understand me and forgive and forget my sins. Honestly, I am still a baby and it helps me recognize that I haven't done anything at all yet but I feel like people always have something to say about what I am doing and they focus on me and not on anything else. My mom always says " It takes a village to raise a child" but no it doesn't it makes me feel agression and anger that all my buisness or the things I am dealing with are thrown out there for everyone to know. Maybe I only want it to be between Her, Micheal and me but yet everyone and there Mom has to know:) I am just happy I can say my real feelings on here. I just don't want people to think Deja is a bad person and has messed up her life but whatever. I am listening to the song Everyone Knows by John Legend and John has to be one of the most amazing artists I have heard of. He has a very nice voice and his songs aren't al about booty shaking and baby got back. I listen to music that says that sadly but I also like music like this that lets you unleash your inner feelings and you can Blog to HeHe:). It's 12:18 P.M in Texas and I am sitting here on a friday night blogging about nothing. Sunday Is my sisters Mikealas birthday and I am not sure what we're doing but we got her cake and it's really pretty. Princess cake and she has a dora one also. Well in a few weeks I am starting high school and I am so excited yet scared because I honestly have no idea what High school is like and since I am going to be in Virginia for my freshmen year at least I have no idea what it will be like being the new girl. I mean Sex, drugs, Alcohol, Parties, Peer pressure the stuff you barely witnessed in Middle school is going to be thrown in your face everyday and I am way to scared but I know I really need to say No to get to where I want to be when I am an adult (orthopedic Surgeon) and seriously I never really planned on smoking in my life and not much of a drinker either. Neither are appealing to me at all. They both look bad and smell bad and why do I need it? I don't honestly. Well lately I have been paying very close attention to what is going on with kids my age and it seems like everyone smokes Weed. I mean kids in sixth grade are doing it and all the kids in eigth grade did it I remembered one time this boy said one day I could smoke with him and I was like ummm...ok? I NEVER DID THOUGH. I guess I said ok because I didn't want to seem uptight or a goody toshoe. Is that how you spell it? Ok now it is 1:04 a.m. My mom had got on and I was watching her update and check her facebook we really bonded and seriously these are the things that you remember the times were your in your grandmas old sleeping blouse and your mom is in MY Tank that I couldn't fit and Blue granny panties or boy shorts. It really makes me think of how embarassing parents can be but how much you have to honestly love them no matter what and put aside there attire:) My mommy and me have this bond where we can just talk I am alot like her except different if that makes sense. I am now listening to the song "you found me" by The fray and eating a warmed up glaze donut my mom gave me yumm. I am yet to bite it because I am trying to write every thought I am having. OK hold on I will bite it. I'm back. When I picked it up I noticed it wasn't as hot as it couldv'e been but it is very sweet and I noticed i used my tongue to bite it except I guess it wasn't exactly biting it. I am currently listening to the Whispering Sea - Sounds of Kauai it is very calming .One of my actual favorites is Claire De Lune By Debussy which you might recognize from Twilight when they were in Edwards room. Man, I love the Twilight series seeing that I have read all of the books multiple times. I myself seem to be alot like Bella in certain ways. I am very masochistic. I tend to do things I know will cause me pain and bring me grief or deprivation to fill myself up. I reach out in a negative way because it let's me feel something since I can't seem to feel happiness. I am going through the teen phase where you are trying to find who you are and I am very confused. People always say (adults) that they have been through things that we are going through but then again they say things have changed since their day but honestly things have changed and teens go through more of what you think they go through. More and more teens are commiting suicide because they just can't seem to find happiness and a place to just let their mind flow and nowadays teens deal with more than you know. I remember I was on PerezHilton.com and I saw an article about this boy who was killed not to long ago for being gay and PROUD. You can say that you know how it feels but honestly you don't until you have lived the pain you suffer going through that phase where you want to come out and be accepted for who you are and live a normal life but you hold back because you are to afraid of certain peoples reactions and knowadays you have to be worried about your LIFE just for being who you are. You think you know well you have Know Idea. So before you are the one to judge the mistakes in someones life sit back and think do I really want to inflict more pain in this person then they already going through because at the end of the day you don't know what there next move is. Not to long ago a friend of mine Eric Paredes passed away from unknown reasons. He was 15 and seemed to have it all but imagine you are the person the day before teasing and making a mockery of him and then he's gone. You don't think about this stuff until you are the person sitting there like What I would do to take that back. You don't realize that you never know if that person is going to be there the next day and it's scary and through my own personal experience I have had days where I had to worry about my lfie due to what this person said or told someone they were going to do and remember worrying looking around not knowing because I decided to stand there and accept who I really am and then when someone close in my famiyl found out they out it aside and wanted to deny it. Well you better believe that you will not change who I am because whether or not you like it Deja is going to be Deja and I DONT CARE WHAT YOU THINK. I don't care whether or not you don't want to love me or tell me to stay out of your house I will and as a child a teen girl I will not lvie knowing I had to be someone I wasn't. Sometimes I feel lie I have a thousand things going trough my head but as soon as it comes time to say it I don't know what i want to sayy. I just hope I can be the one to make a change and help my sister Mikeala or my cousins Jameila and Rihanna troy and cedes know who they are and be happy with it because I am the one who will make a difference.
Love,
Deja Kirkland<3
Love,
Deja Kirkland<3