(no subject)
Ancient Egyptian blessing or Babylon Five quote, either way:
May God stand between you and harm in all the empty places where you must walk.
It speaks to me. Perhaps because so often I feel empty. I miss my old self so much some days. It's almost incomprehensible to me that I've come so far from what I was, and have so far to go toward what I want to be. And make so little progress every day. I want to sprint. I want to at least see the finish line. Instead I feel hopelessly lost with very, very little to guide me. Why is happy so hard?
My therapist and I discussed how I'm the second-hand victim of sexual abuse. I blame myself for those five years she suffered. Because I was the only one who knew. And I know that I was six years old when it all began. How is a child to blame? But I guess I would feel different if I could say I didn't understand that it was wrong. Or if I could say that I didn't want to keep the secret, in some ways. Not because I wished her harm, but because... And the words can't even form. And I suppose this would all make more sense with details. But it is not my secret alone.
My therapist asked if she could forgive me, why can't I?
Because in the end, I step into the hero's role. The great catalyst that forced her to reveal this secret and end the suffering. And maybe that was the beginning of the sensation that I only seem to be a good person.