(no subject)
So. I went for my second therapy session this monday. He lets me lead the conversation, so it meanders a bit. This time, we talked about being hard on my self. The example I used was from a night at work. So we discussed it in the context of work. And that was fine. Except. Work is generally the place I feel most human. I keep trying to explain to the man that while my job is not the greatest job in the world, and I don't actually want to do it for the rest of my life, it's good for now. It's nice. I have a modicum of power and responsibility. I have a manager that I love. And I make a decent living. It's myself, and my personal world that's a mess.
But I also told him about making up goals for the week. And he said that was good. Celebrate every victor. Typing here is a victory. And we talked about my lj. I mentioned I was worried that no one would want to read a million entries that are just variations on the same theme. People might think I'm emo. Or something. We discussed it. He worried that I write expecting a response. I told him that mostly, while I'm writing, I'm just writing. Like this is a real journal. It's only after I post that I wonder about responses.
We also talked about visiting my girls. They basically want me to move to philly for my mental health. But I've got to stay in Syracuse, financially, for now. Plus I have health insurance right now. Which is paying for my screwed up head.
Matt and I have been having a good week. Spending a lot of time together. Some game playing. Some talking. He told me he wanted me to be honest with myself when figuring out what I really want. He said he thought I was a little too wild to be tied down. I said I don't want to be that way. He said that maybe I would become the things that I want to be, but I can't repress that aspect of my nature.
This is a man who truly loves me. But if he's right then I'm not ready to settle down. And what does that mean for us? It's hard to make any sort of decision yet. I just know that I need more friends. Maybe I can do that here.
But I also told him about making up goals for the week. And he said that was good. Celebrate every victor. Typing here is a victory. And we talked about my lj. I mentioned I was worried that no one would want to read a million entries that are just variations on the same theme. People might think I'm emo. Or something. We discussed it. He worried that I write expecting a response. I told him that mostly, while I'm writing, I'm just writing. Like this is a real journal. It's only after I post that I wonder about responses.
We also talked about visiting my girls. They basically want me to move to philly for my mental health. But I've got to stay in Syracuse, financially, for now. Plus I have health insurance right now. Which is paying for my screwed up head.
Matt and I have been having a good week. Spending a lot of time together. Some game playing. Some talking. He told me he wanted me to be honest with myself when figuring out what I really want. He said he thought I was a little too wild to be tied down. I said I don't want to be that way. He said that maybe I would become the things that I want to be, but I can't repress that aspect of my nature.
This is a man who truly loves me. But if he's right then I'm not ready to settle down. And what does that mean for us? It's hard to make any sort of decision yet. I just know that I need more friends. Maybe I can do that here.