(no subject)
It's 3:15 am. I'm awake. That's bad. I have a 12+ hour day of work tomorrow. Yes, you read that correctly. On top of that, I have 2 papers due. I'd say they're both mostly done. My mind is cloudy and I feel on the verge of self-destruction. So I'm writing. Because a piece of paper and livejournal doesn't say the wrong the thing. It doesn't not comfort you, but more importantly, it doesn't make noises like its frustrated. It's actions can't be misconstrued. And it most definitely doesn't just humor me. It doesn't minimize my problems or my stress and it doesn't tell me to just go get shit done. It does nothing. While it may not beneficial to me, it's most definitely not hurtful.
Not that I've felt any of those ways recently.
So to start, one of my friends has decided that I'm no longer important. This friend will start dating someone new and then forget about anyone old. I'll never understand it.
Then, I'm the go-to person for everything. My job as a GA puts me into a position of omniscient among the other students. They expect that I get better grades and understand everything there is to understand about family therapy. The truth is... it makes me feel like a fraud. I've gone and somehow convinced these people that I know what I'm doing. That I know all these things that I don't know. I feel like a fraud. And that sucks.
Then there's the fact that I've attempted to be this wonderful, loving, selfless girlfriend recently. My boyfriend had a huge project due and it was my attempt to keep him focused, as he tends to become sidetracked, and to make sure he knew that I believed he could do it. So I sent e-cards, put up away messages, sent him messages and emails all day. And I believe I did a good job. And now I need a little of that. But somehow I've let him make me feel like it's too much. The tone of the words, the sighs. Maybe I read too much into it. Who am I kidding? Of course I do. But it still makes me feel like I somehow deserve it less than him. I want to HEAR all the things I know. I don't want to just know these things right now. It's like when your friend gets hurt and you say, "I'm here for you if you need me," and you mean it. The person most likely knows, but you say it for a reason. Sometimes people just need to hear things, even when they know them. As though saying it aloud makes it more real.
The cause of the stress, my work. My school work. In this and the next week, I need to do:
Milan Paper - 8 pages
Milan vs. Madanes Paper - 8 pages
Comparison of 8 theories of Family Therapy - Poster & Presentation
15 page final on my case study
6 2-page journals for ethics reflection = 12 pages
1 journal on Madanes - 2 pages
1 journal on Roberts - 2 pages
1 paper on Szasz with comparison to 2 other books - 8 pages
This week I've already accomplished:
1 Presentation in ethics - 24 slides in powerpoint and 2 page outline
1 Professional disclosure - 8 pages
1 rewrite of an old paper - 10 pages
1 Presentation in psychopathology - 4 page outline & 1 hr presentation
And that's just at school.... Then you include my internship which has required extra reading for 2 of my cases as well as 2 short stories (approx. 2 pages about our clients) and a case presentation (you present your case and how you work with them and people critique you). Then there's my GA position which has required a meeting with every individual student (still not complete), looking through each of the files to determine what is missing, crunching numbers to see if they have the appropriate number of hours to graduate (500 hrs of client contact - meaning doing therapy). On top of all that, I'm also somehow in charge of the student group which has require me to plan a meeting, gather interest, advertise via flyers and e-vites....
Then there's the added pressure from home. My dad wants me to come home and do the Xmas shopping for our family and help set up the tree and all that holiday stuff which I generally love but don't feel like I have it in me this year. He wants me to "fulfill" my duties at home. Which is impossible because I have too much to do here. Plus, if I came home, he'd ignore me anyway. I don't get it.
Basically, I'm glad I'm still alive and I feel like I'm hanging from a thread. I feel like I'm seriously lacking in the support. I don't know what to do. I thought I'd be able to turn to my boyfriend because he so easily turned to me. I loved that I could at least relax him a little and keep him focused with what I said. I know he means well, but he just sucked tonight at consoling me. I just expected him to be more understanding and wanting to make me feel better....
So much pressure.
Sometimes I feel like if I'm not perfect, if I'm not the person everyone wants me to be, then I'm no one.
And no, I'm not being overdramatic. I think that is essence of how I feel all the time. See? The fact that I even needed to say that suggests that I expected someone to believe that. There's something very sad, just about that.
Not that I've felt any of those ways recently.
So to start, one of my friends has decided that I'm no longer important. This friend will start dating someone new and then forget about anyone old. I'll never understand it.
Then, I'm the go-to person for everything. My job as a GA puts me into a position of omniscient among the other students. They expect that I get better grades and understand everything there is to understand about family therapy. The truth is... it makes me feel like a fraud. I've gone and somehow convinced these people that I know what I'm doing. That I know all these things that I don't know. I feel like a fraud. And that sucks.
Then there's the fact that I've attempted to be this wonderful, loving, selfless girlfriend recently. My boyfriend had a huge project due and it was my attempt to keep him focused, as he tends to become sidetracked, and to make sure he knew that I believed he could do it. So I sent e-cards, put up away messages, sent him messages and emails all day. And I believe I did a good job. And now I need a little of that. But somehow I've let him make me feel like it's too much. The tone of the words, the sighs. Maybe I read too much into it. Who am I kidding? Of course I do. But it still makes me feel like I somehow deserve it less than him. I want to HEAR all the things I know. I don't want to just know these things right now. It's like when your friend gets hurt and you say, "I'm here for you if you need me," and you mean it. The person most likely knows, but you say it for a reason. Sometimes people just need to hear things, even when they know them. As though saying it aloud makes it more real.
The cause of the stress, my work. My school work. In this and the next week, I need to do:
Milan Paper - 8 pages
Milan vs. Madanes Paper - 8 pages
Comparison of 8 theories of Family Therapy - Poster & Presentation
15 page final on my case study
6 2-page journals for ethics reflection = 12 pages
1 journal on Madanes - 2 pages
1 journal on Roberts - 2 pages
1 paper on Szasz with comparison to 2 other books - 8 pages
This week I've already accomplished:
1 Presentation in ethics - 24 slides in powerpoint and 2 page outline
1 Professional disclosure - 8 pages
1 rewrite of an old paper - 10 pages
1 Presentation in psychopathology - 4 page outline & 1 hr presentation
And that's just at school.... Then you include my internship which has required extra reading for 2 of my cases as well as 2 short stories (approx. 2 pages about our clients) and a case presentation (you present your case and how you work with them and people critique you). Then there's my GA position which has required a meeting with every individual student (still not complete), looking through each of the files to determine what is missing, crunching numbers to see if they have the appropriate number of hours to graduate (500 hrs of client contact - meaning doing therapy). On top of all that, I'm also somehow in charge of the student group which has require me to plan a meeting, gather interest, advertise via flyers and e-vites....
Then there's the added pressure from home. My dad wants me to come home and do the Xmas shopping for our family and help set up the tree and all that holiday stuff which I generally love but don't feel like I have it in me this year. He wants me to "fulfill" my duties at home. Which is impossible because I have too much to do here. Plus, if I came home, he'd ignore me anyway. I don't get it.
Basically, I'm glad I'm still alive and I feel like I'm hanging from a thread. I feel like I'm seriously lacking in the support. I don't know what to do. I thought I'd be able to turn to my boyfriend because he so easily turned to me. I loved that I could at least relax him a little and keep him focused with what I said. I know he means well, but he just sucked tonight at consoling me. I just expected him to be more understanding and wanting to make me feel better....
So much pressure.
Sometimes I feel like if I'm not perfect, if I'm not the person everyone wants me to be, then I'm no one.
And no, I'm not being overdramatic. I think that is essence of how I feel all the time. See? The fact that I even needed to say that suggests that I expected someone to believe that. There's something very sad, just about that.