A stranger in my own body.

[deftone66]

Well LJ its been some time since weve seen each other. I used you for years as my own personal therapist and I feel I have use for your services again. For months i've felt like a stranger in my own body, acting as if I am a different person. But I continue to ask myself if I am a different person, or in a 5 month slump. Gone is my happy go lucky personality that im known for, in its stead an angry selfish version that i've never seen before. The "new" me seems to only care about myself, disregarding the happiness of the people i've loved for so many years. I dont think people are supposed to have a midlife crisis this early, but in my case I think thats the page thats being written. I just turned 28 which scares the shit out of me, and im having a hard time adjusting to my new self. Im as fit as i've ever been, but I think my new levels of testosterone have turned me into some kind of gaudy monster. I now embody a person that I used to loathe. I'm desperately trying to hold onto that person that I used to be, but I dont feel that hes there anymore. I do find relief that these thoughts are finding all the right keys on the keyboard, because as I furiously type I pour my thoughts into reality. I think this place is having an effect on me. This place is a desert island without a body of water and I think its slowly driving me mad. The only place that I find inner peace is at the gym, its the only place that makes sense anymore. The routine and endorphins are comforting if not short lived. Because when I leave that place I return to a reality that I find cold and uninviting. I need something to change because I will soon destroy everything I've strived to achieve most of my adult life. Maybe a new hobby will satiate my cravings for something new, what that would be I dont know. I just want my family and friends to look upon my face and see that person I used to be, not the person i've become. I feel like Horus slowly slipping into darkness to follow a beautiful lie. Hopefully I will find the peace that I desperately crave. I wish I had someone to give me the answers to the test. Time will tell.

Thanks for listening,
Ian