Read You Like a Magazine (6/6) [for shrdmdnssftw]
one | two | three | four | five | part six
"-and that's how my winter break started and I wound up marathon-ing train wrecks with Yugyeom the entire time," Jinyoung says, finishing his narrative with as much life as he could muster, which isn't a lot to begin with. He'd been doped up on cold medicine and unsatisfying alcohol ringing in the New Year, a lump of blankets and dejection in front of the TV. Jaebum had been in a variety show, then, smiling and looking as if he hadn't ripped anyone's heart out. Either he's a better actor than Jinyoung gives him credit for, or he's had too much practice toying with people's feelings. Could be both. Could be none at all. He'll never get an answer anyway, not when Jaebum hates his guts.
An uneasy silence settles around their table, Jackson the most devastated of them all at the news, half because I can't believe you watched sitcoms without me, you traitor, and half out of genuine pity and frustration at the self-induced rollercoaster of fuck ups in Jinyoung's life. Clearly, Jackson has his priorities straight.
"I feel like I'm the kid in the messy divorce except my parents never even made it to bed," Youngjae notes, sadly. Even the potted plant a few feet away is drooping from the force of the dejection surrounding their table. "I kind of miss the old days."
Jinyoung glowers at him from behind his fingers. "Shut up, Youngjae."
Mark pounds his fist against his palm solemnly, and then turns to Youngjae. For a moment, Jinyoung is fooled into thinking that maybe - just maybe - Mark is about to say something deep and meaningful and enlightening enough for Jinyoung to ponder for the next few weeks, except that's hoping for a bit too much, apparently.
"There goes that bet," says Mark, decisively. "Now pay up, you guys."
"You bet on me?" Jinyoung squawks, watching Youngjae slide over a few thousand won across the table.
Jackson, unimpressed, lets out a loud, exasperated exhale, redirecting his efforts into Jinyoung if only to save his dying wallet. "Jinyoung, you are the shittiest person ever. Are you really still mad at him or are you just milking his guilt -- which he shouldn't even have, by the way, so fuck you in advance."
"What the hell are you talking about?"
Jackson jabs his fork at Jinyoung's chest, despite Jinyoung's attempts to backpedal and avoid the strand of pasta dangling from the fork. "I'm talking about how you still won't forgive him for that fight you had last time!"
"What?" Jinyoung's too surprised to let out more than that, the words dying in his throat. Jackson keeps going on, too wrapped up in his ranting to even snap to attention at Mark's warning hiss of his name.
"You're so shitty, why did you even get his hopes up after he's been basically courting you for months--"
"I'm not mad at him for that!"
Jackson exhales loudly and waves his fork in the air. "Then why are you mad?"
"I'm not mad! This is not mad! This is supposed to be the picture of a bitter, rejected person, not an angry one, and right now I'm getting pissed off with how everyone is accusing me of something that I don't even understand!" Jinyoung finally stops, breathing harshly with the force of his words. "And what do you mean courting?"
There's a very long silence punctuated only by Jackson dropping his fork to the ground. No one makes a move to pick it up. Jinyoung is looking at Jackson who is looking at Mark who is looking at his iPad and Youngjae is just widening his eyes at everyone and attempting to inch away. The people around their table are giving them a wide berth now. If Jinyoung looks as close to murdering someone or something as he feels, then no wonder.
Jackson snaps back to stare at Jinyoung, gob smacked. "Holy shit, you really didn't know?"
Blood is rushing through Jinyoung's ears at an alarming sound, nearly muting out the noise around them. "I told you guys we should have taken the direct way," Mark mutters, adamantly refusing to meet anyone's gaze. "This is why I hate the scenic route."
"What am I supposed to know?" Jinyoung asks, already dreading the answer.
"Uh," Jackson starts, cautiously, but forges on with reckless abandon, "the fact that Jaebum-hyung's been tripping over himself pleasing you even when you haven't reciprocated or even given him the time of day?"
"What."
Jackson rolls his eyes and begins to count down with his both hands. Jinyoung tries not to lean over and grab at them one by one. "He takes you out for brunch."
"He's rich, he probably considers it his moral obligation."
Jackson puts a finger down. "He escorts you to the library."
Jinyoung scowls. He's pretty sure that one doesn’t really count as conclusive evidence. "He thinks I'm some kind of twig that needs protecting, which reminds me, fuck you for that. No one needed to trigger his savior complex."
Another one. "He keeps touching you."
"You keep touching me."
And another. "He listens to you bitch about everyone, even himself."
"I bitch to everyone," Jinyoung reminds him, "excuse you."
Jackson, either because he somehow does not know how to count or because he feels that this one merits more fingers than it should, is now left with all his fingers closed into a fist. When he speaks, it's a string of rushed words that Jinyoung is sure he might not have gotten if he's not listening too closely, but. Sucks for Jackson. "He took care of you when you were drunk and kissed you even when your mouth probably felt like something died in it, tell me that's not love."
Jinyoung stands up from his seat, knocking his bag and Youngjae's backpack to the floor. "He what?"
"You were pretty out of it when I saw you trying to devour his face," Jackson admits, tapping his knuckles against his lower lip, exhibiting no signs of having self-preservation instincts. "Wow, you really don't remember this shit, do you? No wonder he kept thinking you didn't like him back."
"You couldn't have told me about this weeks ago?"
"Why do you think I kept making fun of you all the time?" Jackson protests, holding his hands up and scooting closer to Mark, who instinctively shuffles away. "It's not my fault you have the self-control of a five year old."
"A hint would have been nice. Great. Absolutely awesome." Jinyoung starts beating him with his econ book even as Jackson makes pitiful noises. Mark and Youngjae don't stop him, in mutual agreement of non-interference. No one wants to be a casualty caught in the crossfire ever.
"I said kiss and make up, it wasn't supposed to be figurati -- not my fucking sword hand, asshole!"
"NO ONE SAYS THINGS LIKE THAT WITHOUT CONTEXT," Jinyoung howls, betrayed. "I can't believe you made me go through all that shit!"
Jackson hunches over, tucking his hands under his chest protectively. "Fuck, shouldn't you be running to get your man right now instead of trying to kill me?" Jackson wheezes in a last-ditch attempt. "You're never gonna make it as a rom com lead, ow."
"Oh my god," Jinyoung breathes out, book still poised over Jackson's arm but frozen. Jackson should be grateful Jinyoung is easily distracted by the prospect of love - love!!! - and sentimentality. Creepiness aside, it's still a pretty damning piece of evidence. "He's in love with me."
"We knew this, like, months ago, hyung," Youngjae groans, turning away from apologizing to all the other students and trying to convince campus security that no one is in danger of killing anyone today, it's just stress, ma'm. "You never listen to my advice, ever."
"Jinyoung's an idiot," Jackson informs him fondly, inching away and hiding under the table. "Now go get him and leave me the fuck alone."
Jaebum doesn't show up to any of his classes for the first week day after the break. Or the next one. Or even the next.
Jinyoung is almost going insane with waiting when Mark, exasperated at an extremely fidgety Jinyoung, finally googles the address to Jaebum's agency and forwards him the link to get him to stop whining at me over the phone, Jinyoung, you're worse than Jackson.
He's tying his shoes haphazardly and looking for his keys when Yugyeom steps out of the living room, carrying an empty mug in one hand and a plateful of crumbs in the other. Jinyoung is too distracted to even chew him out for eating all the leftover cookies.
"Where are you going?" Yugyeom asks, eyeing him suspiciously. The clock in the hallway and Jinyoung's heavy coat tell him that wherever Jinyoung is going, it's definitely not to grab a quick snack from the nearest convenience store.
He hasn't really told Yugyeom anything definitive yet, just mentioned that maybe - just maybe - he's been a dumbass the entire time and Yugyeom's theories were not entirely unfounded. He hasn't managed to scope out how Yugyeom feels about everything, considering that he's had to deal with Jinyoung's temperament for the past few months. Yugyeom wasn't exactly disposed towards Jaebum during the winter break, if the incessant cussing every time the TV airs a fairly new CF featuring him comes on.
"Being an idiot," Jinyoung informs him, smile wavering only slightly.
Yugyeom crosses his arms over his chest, and for a moment, Jinyoung wonders if he has to fight Yugyeom and force him into submission by virtue of his age, but the tension across his shoulders breaks once he seems to find something in Jinyoung's defiant gaze, his upturned chin. He leans against the wall and sighs.
"The self-destructive kind, or the love-struck one?" He asks, cocking an eyebrow at him.
"Is there a difference?" Jinyoung asks, weakly.
Yugyeom shakes his head, but he smiles at him, fondly. "Don't worry, hyung," says Yugyeom, pushing him out of the doorway even as he squawks at the forceful ejection. "I'm sure your sisters will kill you if you never bring JB home for dinner."
That's the closest thing to a blessing that he's going to get, and it keeps him warm for a while.
It's ten in the evening and Jinyoung is freezing in the cold waiting for Jaebum to exit his agency's building. Wrapped in Jaebum's old scarf and nursing a cup of coffee against his chest, he's the only guy in the swarm of teenage girls and working women waiting to catch a glimpse of their favored idol.
Screw it, he thinks. Might as well sit this out, if he's bent on sacrificing the rest of his pride. It's not like it got him anywhere else to begin with.
Did hyung murder you in cold blood yet, is the encouraging text he receives from Jackson at half-past ten.
How long do these idols even practice anyway??? Jinyoung despairs, adding a depressed emoji at the tail end of his message.
Suck it up, idol reject.
Jinyoung is composing a very scathing and long-winded message when one of the junior high students near him makes a dying noise, pointing at the entrance. There's a boyband making their way out of the building, and Jinyoung nearly rolls his eyes and goes back to moaning about his life at KKT when he catches the eye of one of the taller boys in the group, as surprised and uncomfortable as Jinyoung feels, freezing his ass off in the middle of winter. Fuck that, Jinyoung thinks, and pulls himself up on a bench.
"Im Jaebum," Jinyoung calls out. Tall guy in shades and a beanie cringes and shakes his head. "Yah! Im Jaebum!"
"What is he doing," one of the older fans whispers to her friend, clearly annoyed at Jinyoung's nugu behavior. Jinyoung ignores her, hopping off the bench and jogging up to Jaebum's group, majority of which are either looking at him suspiciously or trying to hide their laughter behind their hands.
Jaebum's manager seems to remember him, at least, unlike his charge who's attempting to bury his face further into his jacket. "Jinyoung-sshi," Seunghoon says, the darkness doing nothing to hide the grimace on his face, "isn't it a school day tomorrow?"
"I don't have class, and that one," says Jinyoung, pointing at Jaebum with his thumb, "is pretty hard to corner at school. Can I talk to him for a minute?"
"I don't think that's a good idea," Seunghoon says, casting a wary look at the girls inching closer. One of the other managers hustle the rest of the group into a waiting van, but Jaebum is stock-still, eyes downcast.
"It'll only take a minute," Jinyoung pleads, already abandoning any pretense of having shame. "Look, I'll even pretend I'm only here to get an autograph to get those people off my case."
"Better fork over some cash to make it look more convincing," Seunghoon teases, but waves him away with a vaguely threatening hand motion. "Do you have a pad or something?"
"Uh, sure," says Jinyoung, digging for paper in his sling bag. There's a pack of gum, a pencil, his wallet, keys, and an overdue Kim Youngha novel innocuously stuffed inside his bag. Of all the days he's forgotten his planner at home, it has to be now. He braces himself as he yanks out the barely dog-eared copy and forks it over, internal despair conflicting with the lightest brush of Jaebum's hand against his knuckles. Something like all pieces of scenery he thought he had long ago forgotten rushes into his lungs, the words coming back to him like a song.
"That's a library book," Jaebum says, quietly as he fumbles for a pen in his pocket, without much heat. Like he's exhausted just from seeing Jinyoung. Too damn nice for a celebrity, Jinyoung thinks, with a bit of sadness. If he were Jaebum, he'd throw a punch first and never ask questions at all. Maybe stab him with the pen in his hand. This is why Jinyoung isn't an idol, probably.
"I know," says Jinyoung, "but I don't have anything else and I would really like it if I could escape with my balls in tact even if my dignity is in pieces."
"You're not even a fan." Jaebum's signature is a long, slanted scrawl, arching and illegible across the blank page. Jinyoung stifles the urge to tell him to get calligraphy classes right now. "Are you sure you're in the right place, Jinyoung-sshi?"
"Don't call me that," Jinyoung snaps before he can stop himself.
Jaebum unclicks the ballpoint pen and tucks it inside his pocket. He hands the book back to Jinyoung, but doesn't let go just yet. "I wasn't sure you'd let me call you anything else."
"Yes," Jinyoung asserts, embarrassed, "this is me. I am the only dude in your legion of fan girls and I accept you. And I hope I don't get out of here with nothing more than your signature because I would really, really like to stay friends with you, Im Jaebum."
"Friends?" Jaebum repeats softly, something like hurt crossing his face. It's an echo of that time when Jinyoung's head was still in his ass, hell bent on catching Jaebum's attention when he hadn't known he'd had it, all of it even when he hadn't wanted it. Not for the first time, Jinyoung feels ashamed of himself.
"Okay, maybe not just friends," Jinyoung amends, mortified. "Are you really gonna make me say this out loud when that girl has been side eyeing me like crazy? Do you really hate my guts so much you want me to die?"
Jaebum opens his mouth, but a commotion a few feet away makes him falter. Seunghoon walks over to them, barking orders at security as he rests his hand against Jaebum's shoulder.
"Time's up, Jinyoung-sshi," Seunghoon says, apologetic.
"Later," Jaebum mouths as Seunghoon ushers him away. Jinyoung runs a shaky hand over his face and nods.
Jaebum slides into the booth number of the noraebang that Jinyoung had texted him fifteen minutes earlier, hands sweating and clammy despite the cheerful pop music he'd set on loop. I got a boy is taunting him from the screen, and it takes all of Jinyoung's willpower not to throw an ashtray at the TV and dump one of the microphones into his pitcher of tea, because if he ends up with no boy at all he's going to sue someone for emotional trauma.
"Hi," Jinyoung squeaks out, dropping the mic. It falls to the couch with a soft whump.
"Hi," Jaebum echoes, but he doesn't take a seat yet. They both stand awkwardly, only a table separating them, and for all the claustrophobia-inducing size of the room, it seems to expand with the distance between them.
"You look nice," Jinyoung says, and Jaebum smiles, ruefully.
"I'm in a pair of sweats and a jacket," says Jaebum, "you don't have to lie."
"I'm not," Jinyoung retorts, sullenly. "You look nice even without clothes anyway." He nearly bites his tongue and wills himself to not choke on air. "I mean -"
Jaebum sighs and plops down on the couch, near the exit and as far away from Jinyoung. Wrong-footed and uneasy, it's a shaky start, but Jinyoung's a little more confident at this point. More sure.
If he turns out wrong, he's gonna murder Jackson, he swears.
"I was thinking of showing up naked but then I figured security would catch me anyway," Jinyoung jokes, going for teasing but ending up failing, as awkward as the fictional elephant in the room vacuuming all the air out of his lungs. "You know, to make it fair since I've seen you naked and all."
Jaebum's eyes seem to darken at the suggestion, and Jinyoung feels his skin flush, thrown.
"I'm sure the arrest record isn't gonna do you favors in the long run, but it wouldn't have been so bad," Jaebum confesses. He flips his phone back and forth in his hands, clearly discomfited. Jaebum hates small talk that leads to nothing but pointless incriminations, which is as good as any preparation that Jinyoung is going to get. "What are you really doing here?"
I got your signature like one of your crazy fans falls flat on the tip of his tongue. It's strange how quickly the defense mechanism dies with the bare hint of uncertainty lining Jaebum's shoulders, and the familiar surge of guilt and unhappiness flares up in Jinyoung's stomach. It makes him wonder if he's really loved Jaebum in the times that he'd been evading him out of self-pity and bitterness, because isn't that what love isn't supposed to be?
Jaebum's shitty web dramas and his stints in the soap operas have always told him that love is about putting other people first, being happy when they're happy, wanting to kill everyone and everything when they're hurt, beating up thugs that gang up and bully your beloved, setting the world on fire when one of them dies and - okay, maybe fictional dramas aren't a good example, but the point is -- the point is --
"I like you," Jinyoung blurts out, panicking when Jaebum opens his mouth to speak. Jinyoung returns the wide eyed stare Jaebum is giving him, potentially 1000 times more unattractive than what Jaebum is currently sporting. He really does not do well under pressure. "Um. I mean."
Jaebum takes a moment to digest it, but it's too fleeting before something in him seems to harden; for a second, Jinyoung almost believes that they're going back to willfully misunderstanding each other, except Jaebum seems to deflate at Jinyoung's lower lip, bruised from being bitten too hard and too desperately to steel himself for -
Rejection. Fear. Anything. Fuck. He doesn't know.
"Yeah, we've already established that when you said you wanted to be friends again, right?" Jaebum sighs. "Is this gonna be a repeat of that?"
"I lied," says Jinyoung. "Shit. Wait, no. I didn't lie about liking you. But. Everything else. When I said I wanted to be friends."
Jinyoung cringes at the way he can't seem to formulate complete sentences. Fucking Im Jaebum robbing him of speech and articulation every damn time. Why is it so hard to express things when the feelings are more real?
"I wasn't avoiding you because I didn't like that you were going back to being an idol," Jinyoung raises a hand, covering Jaebum's mouth imperiously. "Lemme finish before one of us starts yelling and throwing things at the wall because I do not want to have to kick myself over and over again for being too chicken shit to do what I came here for.
"Remember when you said you were going to be in some rom com for teenagers and I got so mad I started avoiding you?" Jinyoung runs his tongue along his lower lip, steeling himself against the incoming blush across his cheeks. "I didn't get pissed off because I didn't want you to take the job."
Jaebum gives him a flat, dull stare, and it should be enough to make a lesser man back off, would have been enough for Jinyoung a few weeks ago, but it's that small glimmer of something in his eye that gives Jinyoung courage. He doesn't know if it's hope.
"I can't believe I'm saying this," Jinyoung takes a deep breath, "but I got pissed because I was afraid you'd go back to your old life and forget about me in the process. Because that's what happens when people move on to better and brighter things, right? They forget about other people, like how you forgot me once and I couldn't forget you."
Jinyoung removes his palm from Jaebum's face. He can still feel the cracks and lines from Jaebum's lips, bitten from the cold. It sticks to his skin like a ghost, even if Jaebum's still here, looking at him like he can't decide what to say to that.
"You're not an easy person to forget, Jinyoung," says Jaebum, hushed and wrecked, like Jinyoung's hand never left his mouth.
Jinyoung smiles crookedly. He doesn't believe him, but if he's being honest, today seems like a good day as any for it. "And, okay, maybe Jackson was right all along. Maybe I was way too jealous as hell."
This is the part when Jaebum is supposed to string together everything and let the pieces of the puzzle fall into place so they could have their explosive moment of realization, except Jaebum is not making it easy for Jinyoung at all, if the way he's absent-mindedly flipping through the song book is any indication. He looks more absorbed in song choices than Jinyoung, but from his clenched jaw, he is anything but focused on singing. "About me being in a movie?" Jaebum's voice is equally stony.
Jinyoung lets out a frustrated groan. "No, you idiot, I was jealous about whoever was going to be your love interest because I really, really like you, dipshit."
Jaebum says nothing for a long, measured moment. He traces a long line of songs with a finger, and flips back a page. Oh, Jinyoung thinks, deflating. That went as badly as I should have expected. He's trying to formulate a non-pathetic way to weasel out of his failed confession when Jaebum takes pity on him and looks up.
"You know," says Jaebum, finally, "you really suck at confessing your feelings."
"Well, excuse me for not watching enough dramas," Jinyoung says, flustered. He sits down, feeling foolish and not a little sore.
"Whatever, mister mixed signals," says Jaebum, letting out a chuffed laugh. Jinyoung hides his face behind his hands, and it isn't because he has to hide the way his eyes are starting to shine wet with tears, no. It's because, for all of his rejection, Jinyoung still can't find it in himself to hate Jaebum, and just hearing him like this, casual and a little more confident, seems like it could be enough.
It's not. But it can be.
"I get it," Jinyoung groans, even as his lips tremble. "You can stop stomping all over my ego now. I can show myself out."
He hears Jaebum shift in his seat, and he almost jumps when Jaebum touches his shoulder. He doesn't look up. He can't look up.
"Hey," says Jaebum, breath hot at his ear. "I never said I didn't like you either, you know."
"Fuck," Jinyoung gasps out, prying his fingers off of his face and shoving Jaebum off of the couch. "You're the absolute worst. I'm seriously regretting falling for you now."
"No take-backs!" Jaebum squawks, latching onto him from behind when Jinyoung turns away in mock-anger. Jinyoung can't quite hide the laughter threatening to burst from his mouth, but it's alright - Jaebum's doing enough of it for both of them. I like this, he thinks. He likes making Jaebum happy. "Ahhh, you're worse than any of my fake girlfriends on screen. None of them ever made me feel like crap every time you wouldn't look at me."
"If you keep going on about that, Im Jaebum --"
Jaebum doesn't let him live it down. "I think everything would have sped up if we'd gotten you drunk again. You were pretty cute, do you know that?"
Jinyoung closes his eyes. "I swear to god--"
"Does this mean I can kiss you now without worrying about brushing my teeth after?" Jaebum pipes up, meaning to tease except - except -
His gaze drops to Jinyoung's mouth, agape and no doubt unattractive, Jinyoung knows - he's seen himself like it too many times in the face of Bambam and Yugyeom's combined delinquency. But Jaebum keeps looking at him like he thinks otherwise, if the way his eyes keep refusing to meet his is a sign. Or maybe he's just realized how embarrassing his line was; it's legitimately unfair that Jaebum looks so endearing even when he's so awkward.
Jinyoung opts to hold his hand instead.
"Yeah," Jinyoung says, swallowing the happy, bubbling lump in his throat. "Yeah, you can."
The first kiss - the one Jinyoung remembers anyway - is awkward, not at all ideal and living up to the mountain of expectations that a lesser man would have set on a celebrity, but when Jaebum bends to press his mouth against Jinyoung's, his lips taste of lip balm and mint candy; crooked and cupping Jinyoung's cheek, his fingers tremble against Jinyoung's jaw. It's not worthy of an award from MTV, but it feels like a punch to the gut for all its innocence. Who knew an idol with an indecent nude shoot to his name would be this inexperienced?
Jinyoung doesn't mind, though. It just means they can learn together.
Jaebum's mouth ghosts over the shell of his ear, and it should be insanely intrusive but it doesn't make Jinyoung's skin itch with irritation at all. "I like you better when you don't think too much."
"Are you saying you like me better when I'm dumb?"
"God, no, you're -" Jaebum squints at the smile on Jinyoung's face. He can't help it. He can't stop smiling. "Wow. You're such a little shit."
"I know," says Jinyoung. "But you love me anyway, pop star."
"Jinyoung," Jaebum huffs. "Please stop talking and let me kiss you again."
He does.
It's raining by the time Jinyoung comes out of his last class, but Jaebum is waiting for him by the entrance, umbrella tucked under his arm and smiling at him with such force that Jinyoung can see a dimple peek out even from a distance. He covers up the fluttering feeling in his stomach by tucking his arm into the space between Jaebum's elbow and his bag, chattering nervously all the way to dinner.
"You already know Youngjae," says Jinyoung, two blocks away from the café they're meeting the others at. He has to press close to Jaebum to keep his knapsack from getting wet, but Jaebum doesn't look like he minds at all "Then there's Jackson, which, augh, still judging you for being friends and not blowing him off to begin with."
"You're his best friend," Jaebum protests, laughing. He hooks an arm around Jinyoung's shoulder, and it should be awkward with their height difference being almost non-existent, but it isn't. "Aren't you supposed to say good things about him?"
"Not by choice," says Jinyoung, darkly. He tucks his hands into his coat pockets, fingers heavy and antsy as they scrabble at the lining. "My life would be so much more uncomplicated without him. He's gotten me into trouble more times than I can count."
"Yeah, but without Jackson, I wouldn't have gotten closer to you, now would I?" Jaebum teases.
Jinyoung ignores him and refuses to take the bait. It feels a little strange that he's giving Jaebum a run-down of his circle of friends when Jaebum already knows half of them, but it's more for Jinyoung's own benefit than Jaebum's, if the way Jaebum is stepping closer to rub at his nape is any indication of it. He bites his lip and valiantly doesn't shiver.
"You also know Mark-hyung, so that's one less person to worry about," Jinyoung forges on. "Mark-hyung's pretty cool, just, uh, don't do that weird fake flirting thing you do with Jackson to his face."
"What flirting thing?" Jaebum asks, "I only flirt with you."
Jinyoung tries not to look too pleased about that, but from the knowing look on Jaebum's face, he's failed. "Don't change the subject," Jinyoung reprimands. He glances up at the sky, dark but less from the rain. "I'm serious, you better not say anything strange!"
"I'll be on my best behavior," Jaebum dolefully promises, miming a zipping motion with his hands.
Jinyoung rolls his eyes, but grins anyway. Over the time they've settled into an initially uneasy peace, he's found that Jaebum is super weird when he doesn't mean to be, prone to saying one thing and doing the complete opposite the next, a contrast to the more tactless, honest gravity Jinyoung's come to expect from him. It's cute.
"Um. Anyway," Jinyoung says, clearing his throat before he does something embarrassing and potentially dangerous like kiss the smirk off Jaebum's face in the middle of the street. It's been known to happen before. He can't help himself, sometimes. "There's Bambam and Yugyeom, who are pretty much the little brothers I wish I never had." He rubs at his arm, embarrassed. "But they're nice kids. I'm sure you'll love them."
Jaebum hums, giving him a considering look, like he knows exactly what's been going on inside Jinyoung's head but he's giving him a free pass anyway. He lets it slide. "They sound great."
"They can be useful sometimes," Jinyoung hums. "But don't say I didn't warn you."
They cross the intersection, Jaebum keeping the scarf covering half his face up and his eyes down even as a pair of schoolgirls peer at them curiously. From across the street, they can see the café's logo, and Jinyoung spies Youngjae and Jackson animatedly arguing over a pastry, Mark keeping a hand on Jackson's knee to stop him from standing up. Jinyoung groans and checks his phone.
"Do you think it's too late to back out?"
"They do know where you live," Jaebum offers. "And I'm pretty sure Mark-hyung's already seen us."
The rain's dwindled down to a small downpour by the time they reach the café, and Jinyoung almost misses the heat of Jaebum's side when they separate. "Doesn’t hurt to hope," Jinyoung grumbles, watching Jaebum fold the umbrella neatly. "The kids are gonna meet us later after cram school, but don't let them eat you alive."
"Sounds scary," says Jaebum, seriously. "Do you think I can fend them off with my army of fans?"
Jinyoung huffs, swiping at Jaebum, who breaks out into a laugh. His scarf falls to his neck, and Jinyoung is so glad it's dark out enough for barely anyone to recognize him from far away. Yes, he reminds himself, this is your life now, suck it up.
"Nah, Bambam will want to get girl group members' numbers from you and Yugyeom will just laugh at you like a disrespectful twerp." Jinyoung pauses. "By the way, don't listen to anything any of them says about me. Anything." Jaebum keeps laughing, and it gets so bad he has to lean against Jinyoung, umbrella knocking against Jinyoung's knee. "I mean it!"
Jaebum presses a quick kiss to the side of Jinyoung's mouth, fond and affectionate despite Jinyoung's protests. Jinyoung relaxes at that, even though Jackson is already waving and widening his eyes at them from inside the near-empty café, already miming at a few patrons whipping out their camera phones and snapping pictures of Jaebum even in the grainy light. Jaebum is all the recklessness and liquid courage Jinyoung's never realized he needed, and it doesn't help that he's so unbearably cheesy despite looking so cold to the touch. "But what if I want to hear everything about you?" Jaebum asks, chasing after Jinyoung's mouth with his thumb.
"I'm really boring, though. Are you sure about that?"
Jaebum strokes his cheek, the bow of his lip, an imaginary dimple, everything. "Positive," he says, voice soft. Behind the glass, Jackson is miming vomiting into a house plant, but Jinyoung is too distracted by the impossible fluttering at his stomach to care.
"Then I'll tell you afterwards," says Jinyoung, smiling with no hesitation, "but first you have to survive this date."
"I can't wait," says Jaebum, and tangles his fingers with Jinyoung's as they open the café door and step inside.
Additional Notes:
- "All pieces of scenery he thought he had long ago forgotten" refers to a specific line in Kim Young-Ha's Black Flower, paraphrased to fit into the train of thought
one | two | three | four | five | part six
"-and that's how my winter break started and I wound up marathon-ing train wrecks with Yugyeom the entire time," Jinyoung says, finishing his narrative with as much life as he could muster, which isn't a lot to begin with. He'd been doped up on cold medicine and unsatisfying alcohol ringing in the New Year, a lump of blankets and dejection in front of the TV. Jaebum had been in a variety show, then, smiling and looking as if he hadn't ripped anyone's heart out. Either he's a better actor than Jinyoung gives him credit for, or he's had too much practice toying with people's feelings. Could be both. Could be none at all. He'll never get an answer anyway, not when Jaebum hates his guts.
An uneasy silence settles around their table, Jackson the most devastated of them all at the news, half because I can't believe you watched sitcoms without me, you traitor, and half out of genuine pity and frustration at the self-induced rollercoaster of fuck ups in Jinyoung's life. Clearly, Jackson has his priorities straight.
"I feel like I'm the kid in the messy divorce except my parents never even made it to bed," Youngjae notes, sadly. Even the potted plant a few feet away is drooping from the force of the dejection surrounding their table. "I kind of miss the old days."
Jinyoung glowers at him from behind his fingers. "Shut up, Youngjae."
Mark pounds his fist against his palm solemnly, and then turns to Youngjae. For a moment, Jinyoung is fooled into thinking that maybe - just maybe - Mark is about to say something deep and meaningful and enlightening enough for Jinyoung to ponder for the next few weeks, except that's hoping for a bit too much, apparently.
"There goes that bet," says Mark, decisively. "Now pay up, you guys."
"You bet on me?" Jinyoung squawks, watching Youngjae slide over a few thousand won across the table.
Jackson, unimpressed, lets out a loud, exasperated exhale, redirecting his efforts into Jinyoung if only to save his dying wallet. "Jinyoung, you are the shittiest person ever. Are you really still mad at him or are you just milking his guilt -- which he shouldn't even have, by the way, so fuck you in advance."
"What the hell are you talking about?"
Jackson jabs his fork at Jinyoung's chest, despite Jinyoung's attempts to backpedal and avoid the strand of pasta dangling from the fork. "I'm talking about how you still won't forgive him for that fight you had last time!"
"What?" Jinyoung's too surprised to let out more than that, the words dying in his throat. Jackson keeps going on, too wrapped up in his ranting to even snap to attention at Mark's warning hiss of his name.
"You're so shitty, why did you even get his hopes up after he's been basically courting you for months--"
"I'm not mad at him for that!"
Jackson exhales loudly and waves his fork in the air. "Then why are you mad?"
"I'm not mad! This is not mad! This is supposed to be the picture of a bitter, rejected person, not an angry one, and right now I'm getting pissed off with how everyone is accusing me of something that I don't even understand!" Jinyoung finally stops, breathing harshly with the force of his words. "And what do you mean courting?"
There's a very long silence punctuated only by Jackson dropping his fork to the ground. No one makes a move to pick it up. Jinyoung is looking at Jackson who is looking at Mark who is looking at his iPad and Youngjae is just widening his eyes at everyone and attempting to inch away. The people around their table are giving them a wide berth now. If Jinyoung looks as close to murdering someone or something as he feels, then no wonder.
Jackson snaps back to stare at Jinyoung, gob smacked. "Holy shit, you really didn't know?"
Blood is rushing through Jinyoung's ears at an alarming sound, nearly muting out the noise around them. "I told you guys we should have taken the direct way," Mark mutters, adamantly refusing to meet anyone's gaze. "This is why I hate the scenic route."
"What am I supposed to know?" Jinyoung asks, already dreading the answer.
"Uh," Jackson starts, cautiously, but forges on with reckless abandon, "the fact that Jaebum-hyung's been tripping over himself pleasing you even when you haven't reciprocated or even given him the time of day?"
"What."
Jackson rolls his eyes and begins to count down with his both hands. Jinyoung tries not to lean over and grab at them one by one. "He takes you out for brunch."
"He's rich, he probably considers it his moral obligation."
Jackson puts a finger down. "He escorts you to the library."
Jinyoung scowls. He's pretty sure that one doesn’t really count as conclusive evidence. "He thinks I'm some kind of twig that needs protecting, which reminds me, fuck you for that. No one needed to trigger his savior complex."
Another one. "He keeps touching you."
"You keep touching me."
And another. "He listens to you bitch about everyone, even himself."
"I bitch to everyone," Jinyoung reminds him, "excuse you."
Jackson, either because he somehow does not know how to count or because he feels that this one merits more fingers than it should, is now left with all his fingers closed into a fist. When he speaks, it's a string of rushed words that Jinyoung is sure he might not have gotten if he's not listening too closely, but. Sucks for Jackson. "He took care of you when you were drunk and kissed you even when your mouth probably felt like something died in it, tell me that's not love."
Jinyoung stands up from his seat, knocking his bag and Youngjae's backpack to the floor. "He what?"
"You were pretty out of it when I saw you trying to devour his face," Jackson admits, tapping his knuckles against his lower lip, exhibiting no signs of having self-preservation instincts. "Wow, you really don't remember this shit, do you? No wonder he kept thinking you didn't like him back."
"You couldn't have told me about this weeks ago?"
"Why do you think I kept making fun of you all the time?" Jackson protests, holding his hands up and scooting closer to Mark, who instinctively shuffles away. "It's not my fault you have the self-control of a five year old."
"A hint would have been nice. Great. Absolutely awesome." Jinyoung starts beating him with his econ book even as Jackson makes pitiful noises. Mark and Youngjae don't stop him, in mutual agreement of non-interference. No one wants to be a casualty caught in the crossfire ever.
"I said kiss and make up, it wasn't supposed to be figurati -- not my fucking sword hand, asshole!"
"NO ONE SAYS THINGS LIKE THAT WITHOUT CONTEXT," Jinyoung howls, betrayed. "I can't believe you made me go through all that shit!"
Jackson hunches over, tucking his hands under his chest protectively. "Fuck, shouldn't you be running to get your man right now instead of trying to kill me?" Jackson wheezes in a last-ditch attempt. "You're never gonna make it as a rom com lead, ow."
"Oh my god," Jinyoung breathes out, book still poised over Jackson's arm but frozen. Jackson should be grateful Jinyoung is easily distracted by the prospect of love - love!!! - and sentimentality. Creepiness aside, it's still a pretty damning piece of evidence. "He's in love with me."
"We knew this, like, months ago, hyung," Youngjae groans, turning away from apologizing to all the other students and trying to convince campus security that no one is in danger of killing anyone today, it's just stress, ma'm. "You never listen to my advice, ever."
"Jinyoung's an idiot," Jackson informs him fondly, inching away and hiding under the table. "Now go get him and leave me the fuck alone."
Jaebum doesn't show up to any of his classes for the first week day after the break. Or the next one. Or even the next.
Jinyoung is almost going insane with waiting when Mark, exasperated at an extremely fidgety Jinyoung, finally googles the address to Jaebum's agency and forwards him the link to get him to stop whining at me over the phone, Jinyoung, you're worse than Jackson.
He's tying his shoes haphazardly and looking for his keys when Yugyeom steps out of the living room, carrying an empty mug in one hand and a plateful of crumbs in the other. Jinyoung is too distracted to even chew him out for eating all the leftover cookies.
"Where are you going?" Yugyeom asks, eyeing him suspiciously. The clock in the hallway and Jinyoung's heavy coat tell him that wherever Jinyoung is going, it's definitely not to grab a quick snack from the nearest convenience store.
He hasn't really told Yugyeom anything definitive yet, just mentioned that maybe - just maybe - he's been a dumbass the entire time and Yugyeom's theories were not entirely unfounded. He hasn't managed to scope out how Yugyeom feels about everything, considering that he's had to deal with Jinyoung's temperament for the past few months. Yugyeom wasn't exactly disposed towards Jaebum during the winter break, if the incessant cussing every time the TV airs a fairly new CF featuring him comes on.
"Being an idiot," Jinyoung informs him, smile wavering only slightly.
Yugyeom crosses his arms over his chest, and for a moment, Jinyoung wonders if he has to fight Yugyeom and force him into submission by virtue of his age, but the tension across his shoulders breaks once he seems to find something in Jinyoung's defiant gaze, his upturned chin. He leans against the wall and sighs.
"The self-destructive kind, or the love-struck one?" He asks, cocking an eyebrow at him.
"Is there a difference?" Jinyoung asks, weakly.
Yugyeom shakes his head, but he smiles at him, fondly. "Don't worry, hyung," says Yugyeom, pushing him out of the doorway even as he squawks at the forceful ejection. "I'm sure your sisters will kill you if you never bring JB home for dinner."
That's the closest thing to a blessing that he's going to get, and it keeps him warm for a while.
It's ten in the evening and Jinyoung is freezing in the cold waiting for Jaebum to exit his agency's building. Wrapped in Jaebum's old scarf and nursing a cup of coffee against his chest, he's the only guy in the swarm of teenage girls and working women waiting to catch a glimpse of their favored idol.
Screw it, he thinks. Might as well sit this out, if he's bent on sacrificing the rest of his pride. It's not like it got him anywhere else to begin with.
Did hyung murder you in cold blood yet, is the encouraging text he receives from Jackson at half-past ten.
How long do these idols even practice anyway??? Jinyoung despairs, adding a depressed emoji at the tail end of his message.
Suck it up, idol reject.
Jinyoung is composing a very scathing and long-winded message when one of the junior high students near him makes a dying noise, pointing at the entrance. There's a boyband making their way out of the building, and Jinyoung nearly rolls his eyes and goes back to moaning about his life at KKT when he catches the eye of one of the taller boys in the group, as surprised and uncomfortable as Jinyoung feels, freezing his ass off in the middle of winter. Fuck that, Jinyoung thinks, and pulls himself up on a bench.
"Im Jaebum," Jinyoung calls out. Tall guy in shades and a beanie cringes and shakes his head. "Yah! Im Jaebum!"
"What is he doing," one of the older fans whispers to her friend, clearly annoyed at Jinyoung's nugu behavior. Jinyoung ignores her, hopping off the bench and jogging up to Jaebum's group, majority of which are either looking at him suspiciously or trying to hide their laughter behind their hands.
Jaebum's manager seems to remember him, at least, unlike his charge who's attempting to bury his face further into his jacket. "Jinyoung-sshi," Seunghoon says, the darkness doing nothing to hide the grimace on his face, "isn't it a school day tomorrow?"
"I don't have class, and that one," says Jinyoung, pointing at Jaebum with his thumb, "is pretty hard to corner at school. Can I talk to him for a minute?"
"I don't think that's a good idea," Seunghoon says, casting a wary look at the girls inching closer. One of the other managers hustle the rest of the group into a waiting van, but Jaebum is stock-still, eyes downcast.
"It'll only take a minute," Jinyoung pleads, already abandoning any pretense of having shame. "Look, I'll even pretend I'm only here to get an autograph to get those people off my case."
"Better fork over some cash to make it look more convincing," Seunghoon teases, but waves him away with a vaguely threatening hand motion. "Do you have a pad or something?"
"Uh, sure," says Jinyoung, digging for paper in his sling bag. There's a pack of gum, a pencil, his wallet, keys, and an overdue Kim Youngha novel innocuously stuffed inside his bag. Of all the days he's forgotten his planner at home, it has to be now. He braces himself as he yanks out the barely dog-eared copy and forks it over, internal despair conflicting with the lightest brush of Jaebum's hand against his knuckles. Something like all pieces of scenery he thought he had long ago forgotten rushes into his lungs, the words coming back to him like a song.
"That's a library book," Jaebum says, quietly as he fumbles for a pen in his pocket, without much heat. Like he's exhausted just from seeing Jinyoung. Too damn nice for a celebrity, Jinyoung thinks, with a bit of sadness. If he were Jaebum, he'd throw a punch first and never ask questions at all. Maybe stab him with the pen in his hand. This is why Jinyoung isn't an idol, probably.
"I know," says Jinyoung, "but I don't have anything else and I would really like it if I could escape with my balls in tact even if my dignity is in pieces."
"You're not even a fan." Jaebum's signature is a long, slanted scrawl, arching and illegible across the blank page. Jinyoung stifles the urge to tell him to get calligraphy classes right now. "Are you sure you're in the right place, Jinyoung-sshi?"
"Don't call me that," Jinyoung snaps before he can stop himself.
Jaebum unclicks the ballpoint pen and tucks it inside his pocket. He hands the book back to Jinyoung, but doesn't let go just yet. "I wasn't sure you'd let me call you anything else."
"Yes," Jinyoung asserts, embarrassed, "this is me. I am the only dude in your legion of fan girls and I accept you. And I hope I don't get out of here with nothing more than your signature because I would really, really like to stay friends with you, Im Jaebum."
"Friends?" Jaebum repeats softly, something like hurt crossing his face. It's an echo of that time when Jinyoung's head was still in his ass, hell bent on catching Jaebum's attention when he hadn't known he'd had it, all of it even when he hadn't wanted it. Not for the first time, Jinyoung feels ashamed of himself.
"Okay, maybe not just friends," Jinyoung amends, mortified. "Are you really gonna make me say this out loud when that girl has been side eyeing me like crazy? Do you really hate my guts so much you want me to die?"
Jaebum opens his mouth, but a commotion a few feet away makes him falter. Seunghoon walks over to them, barking orders at security as he rests his hand against Jaebum's shoulder.
"Time's up, Jinyoung-sshi," Seunghoon says, apologetic.
"Later," Jaebum mouths as Seunghoon ushers him away. Jinyoung runs a shaky hand over his face and nods.
Jaebum slides into the booth number of the noraebang that Jinyoung had texted him fifteen minutes earlier, hands sweating and clammy despite the cheerful pop music he'd set on loop. I got a boy is taunting him from the screen, and it takes all of Jinyoung's willpower not to throw an ashtray at the TV and dump one of the microphones into his pitcher of tea, because if he ends up with no boy at all he's going to sue someone for emotional trauma.
"Hi," Jinyoung squeaks out, dropping the mic. It falls to the couch with a soft whump.
"Hi," Jaebum echoes, but he doesn't take a seat yet. They both stand awkwardly, only a table separating them, and for all the claustrophobia-inducing size of the room, it seems to expand with the distance between them.
"You look nice," Jinyoung says, and Jaebum smiles, ruefully.
"I'm in a pair of sweats and a jacket," says Jaebum, "you don't have to lie."
"I'm not," Jinyoung retorts, sullenly. "You look nice even without clothes anyway." He nearly bites his tongue and wills himself to not choke on air. "I mean -"
Jaebum sighs and plops down on the couch, near the exit and as far away from Jinyoung. Wrong-footed and uneasy, it's a shaky start, but Jinyoung's a little more confident at this point. More sure.
If he turns out wrong, he's gonna murder Jackson, he swears.
"I was thinking of showing up naked but then I figured security would catch me anyway," Jinyoung jokes, going for teasing but ending up failing, as awkward as the fictional elephant in the room vacuuming all the air out of his lungs. "You know, to make it fair since I've seen you naked and all."
Jaebum's eyes seem to darken at the suggestion, and Jinyoung feels his skin flush, thrown.
"I'm sure the arrest record isn't gonna do you favors in the long run, but it wouldn't have been so bad," Jaebum confesses. He flips his phone back and forth in his hands, clearly discomfited. Jaebum hates small talk that leads to nothing but pointless incriminations, which is as good as any preparation that Jinyoung is going to get. "What are you really doing here?"
I got your signature like one of your crazy fans falls flat on the tip of his tongue. It's strange how quickly the defense mechanism dies with the bare hint of uncertainty lining Jaebum's shoulders, and the familiar surge of guilt and unhappiness flares up in Jinyoung's stomach. It makes him wonder if he's really loved Jaebum in the times that he'd been evading him out of self-pity and bitterness, because isn't that what love isn't supposed to be?
Jaebum's shitty web dramas and his stints in the soap operas have always told him that love is about putting other people first, being happy when they're happy, wanting to kill everyone and everything when they're hurt, beating up thugs that gang up and bully your beloved, setting the world on fire when one of them dies and - okay, maybe fictional dramas aren't a good example, but the point is -- the point is --
"I like you," Jinyoung blurts out, panicking when Jaebum opens his mouth to speak. Jinyoung returns the wide eyed stare Jaebum is giving him, potentially 1000 times more unattractive than what Jaebum is currently sporting. He really does not do well under pressure. "Um. I mean."
Jaebum takes a moment to digest it, but it's too fleeting before something in him seems to harden; for a second, Jinyoung almost believes that they're going back to willfully misunderstanding each other, except Jaebum seems to deflate at Jinyoung's lower lip, bruised from being bitten too hard and too desperately to steel himself for -
Rejection. Fear. Anything. Fuck. He doesn't know.
"Yeah, we've already established that when you said you wanted to be friends again, right?" Jaebum sighs. "Is this gonna be a repeat of that?"
"I lied," says Jinyoung. "Shit. Wait, no. I didn't lie about liking you. But. Everything else. When I said I wanted to be friends."
Jinyoung cringes at the way he can't seem to formulate complete sentences. Fucking Im Jaebum robbing him of speech and articulation every damn time. Why is it so hard to express things when the feelings are more real?
"I wasn't avoiding you because I didn't like that you were going back to being an idol," Jinyoung raises a hand, covering Jaebum's mouth imperiously. "Lemme finish before one of us starts yelling and throwing things at the wall because I do not want to have to kick myself over and over again for being too chicken shit to do what I came here for.
"Remember when you said you were going to be in some rom com for teenagers and I got so mad I started avoiding you?" Jinyoung runs his tongue along his lower lip, steeling himself against the incoming blush across his cheeks. "I didn't get pissed off because I didn't want you to take the job."
Jaebum gives him a flat, dull stare, and it should be enough to make a lesser man back off, would have been enough for Jinyoung a few weeks ago, but it's that small glimmer of something in his eye that gives Jinyoung courage. He doesn't know if it's hope.
"I can't believe I'm saying this," Jinyoung takes a deep breath, "but I got pissed because I was afraid you'd go back to your old life and forget about me in the process. Because that's what happens when people move on to better and brighter things, right? They forget about other people, like how you forgot me once and I couldn't forget you."
Jinyoung removes his palm from Jaebum's face. He can still feel the cracks and lines from Jaebum's lips, bitten from the cold. It sticks to his skin like a ghost, even if Jaebum's still here, looking at him like he can't decide what to say to that.
"You're not an easy person to forget, Jinyoung," says Jaebum, hushed and wrecked, like Jinyoung's hand never left his mouth.
Jinyoung smiles crookedly. He doesn't believe him, but if he's being honest, today seems like a good day as any for it. "And, okay, maybe Jackson was right all along. Maybe I was way too jealous as hell."
This is the part when Jaebum is supposed to string together everything and let the pieces of the puzzle fall into place so they could have their explosive moment of realization, except Jaebum is not making it easy for Jinyoung at all, if the way he's absent-mindedly flipping through the song book is any indication. He looks more absorbed in song choices than Jinyoung, but from his clenched jaw, he is anything but focused on singing. "About me being in a movie?" Jaebum's voice is equally stony.
Jinyoung lets out a frustrated groan. "No, you idiot, I was jealous about whoever was going to be your love interest because I really, really like you, dipshit."
Jaebum says nothing for a long, measured moment. He traces a long line of songs with a finger, and flips back a page. Oh, Jinyoung thinks, deflating. That went as badly as I should have expected. He's trying to formulate a non-pathetic way to weasel out of his failed confession when Jaebum takes pity on him and looks up.
"You know," says Jaebum, finally, "you really suck at confessing your feelings."
"Well, excuse me for not watching enough dramas," Jinyoung says, flustered. He sits down, feeling foolish and not a little sore.
"Whatever, mister mixed signals," says Jaebum, letting out a chuffed laugh. Jinyoung hides his face behind his hands, and it isn't because he has to hide the way his eyes are starting to shine wet with tears, no. It's because, for all of his rejection, Jinyoung still can't find it in himself to hate Jaebum, and just hearing him like this, casual and a little more confident, seems like it could be enough.
It's not. But it can be.
"I get it," Jinyoung groans, even as his lips tremble. "You can stop stomping all over my ego now. I can show myself out."
He hears Jaebum shift in his seat, and he almost jumps when Jaebum touches his shoulder. He doesn't look up. He can't look up.
"Hey," says Jaebum, breath hot at his ear. "I never said I didn't like you either, you know."
"Fuck," Jinyoung gasps out, prying his fingers off of his face and shoving Jaebum off of the couch. "You're the absolute worst. I'm seriously regretting falling for you now."
"No take-backs!" Jaebum squawks, latching onto him from behind when Jinyoung turns away in mock-anger. Jinyoung can't quite hide the laughter threatening to burst from his mouth, but it's alright - Jaebum's doing enough of it for both of them. I like this, he thinks. He likes making Jaebum happy. "Ahhh, you're worse than any of my fake girlfriends on screen. None of them ever made me feel like crap every time you wouldn't look at me."
"If you keep going on about that, Im Jaebum --"
Jaebum doesn't let him live it down. "I think everything would have sped up if we'd gotten you drunk again. You were pretty cute, do you know that?"
Jinyoung closes his eyes. "I swear to god--"
"Does this mean I can kiss you now without worrying about brushing my teeth after?" Jaebum pipes up, meaning to tease except - except -
His gaze drops to Jinyoung's mouth, agape and no doubt unattractive, Jinyoung knows - he's seen himself like it too many times in the face of Bambam and Yugyeom's combined delinquency. But Jaebum keeps looking at him like he thinks otherwise, if the way his eyes keep refusing to meet his is a sign. Or maybe he's just realized how embarrassing his line was; it's legitimately unfair that Jaebum looks so endearing even when he's so awkward.
Jinyoung opts to hold his hand instead.
"Yeah," Jinyoung says, swallowing the happy, bubbling lump in his throat. "Yeah, you can."
The first kiss - the one Jinyoung remembers anyway - is awkward, not at all ideal and living up to the mountain of expectations that a lesser man would have set on a celebrity, but when Jaebum bends to press his mouth against Jinyoung's, his lips taste of lip balm and mint candy; crooked and cupping Jinyoung's cheek, his fingers tremble against Jinyoung's jaw. It's not worthy of an award from MTV, but it feels like a punch to the gut for all its innocence. Who knew an idol with an indecent nude shoot to his name would be this inexperienced?
Jinyoung doesn't mind, though. It just means they can learn together.
Jaebum's mouth ghosts over the shell of his ear, and it should be insanely intrusive but it doesn't make Jinyoung's skin itch with irritation at all. "I like you better when you don't think too much."
"Are you saying you like me better when I'm dumb?"
"God, no, you're -" Jaebum squints at the smile on Jinyoung's face. He can't help it. He can't stop smiling. "Wow. You're such a little shit."
"I know," says Jinyoung. "But you love me anyway, pop star."
"Jinyoung," Jaebum huffs. "Please stop talking and let me kiss you again."
He does.
It's raining by the time Jinyoung comes out of his last class, but Jaebum is waiting for him by the entrance, umbrella tucked under his arm and smiling at him with such force that Jinyoung can see a dimple peek out even from a distance. He covers up the fluttering feeling in his stomach by tucking his arm into the space between Jaebum's elbow and his bag, chattering nervously all the way to dinner.
"You already know Youngjae," says Jinyoung, two blocks away from the café they're meeting the others at. He has to press close to Jaebum to keep his knapsack from getting wet, but Jaebum doesn't look like he minds at all "Then there's Jackson, which, augh, still judging you for being friends and not blowing him off to begin with."
"You're his best friend," Jaebum protests, laughing. He hooks an arm around Jinyoung's shoulder, and it should be awkward with their height difference being almost non-existent, but it isn't. "Aren't you supposed to say good things about him?"
"Not by choice," says Jinyoung, darkly. He tucks his hands into his coat pockets, fingers heavy and antsy as they scrabble at the lining. "My life would be so much more uncomplicated without him. He's gotten me into trouble more times than I can count."
"Yeah, but without Jackson, I wouldn't have gotten closer to you, now would I?" Jaebum teases.
Jinyoung ignores him and refuses to take the bait. It feels a little strange that he's giving Jaebum a run-down of his circle of friends when Jaebum already knows half of them, but it's more for Jinyoung's own benefit than Jaebum's, if the way Jaebum is stepping closer to rub at his nape is any indication of it. He bites his lip and valiantly doesn't shiver.
"You also know Mark-hyung, so that's one less person to worry about," Jinyoung forges on. "Mark-hyung's pretty cool, just, uh, don't do that weird fake flirting thing you do with Jackson to his face."
"What flirting thing?" Jaebum asks, "I only flirt with you."
Jinyoung tries not to look too pleased about that, but from the knowing look on Jaebum's face, he's failed. "Don't change the subject," Jinyoung reprimands. He glances up at the sky, dark but less from the rain. "I'm serious, you better not say anything strange!"
"I'll be on my best behavior," Jaebum dolefully promises, miming a zipping motion with his hands.
Jinyoung rolls his eyes, but grins anyway. Over the time they've settled into an initially uneasy peace, he's found that Jaebum is super weird when he doesn't mean to be, prone to saying one thing and doing the complete opposite the next, a contrast to the more tactless, honest gravity Jinyoung's come to expect from him. It's cute.
"Um. Anyway," Jinyoung says, clearing his throat before he does something embarrassing and potentially dangerous like kiss the smirk off Jaebum's face in the middle of the street. It's been known to happen before. He can't help himself, sometimes. "There's Bambam and Yugyeom, who are pretty much the little brothers I wish I never had." He rubs at his arm, embarrassed. "But they're nice kids. I'm sure you'll love them."
Jaebum hums, giving him a considering look, like he knows exactly what's been going on inside Jinyoung's head but he's giving him a free pass anyway. He lets it slide. "They sound great."
"They can be useful sometimes," Jinyoung hums. "But don't say I didn't warn you."
They cross the intersection, Jaebum keeping the scarf covering half his face up and his eyes down even as a pair of schoolgirls peer at them curiously. From across the street, they can see the café's logo, and Jinyoung spies Youngjae and Jackson animatedly arguing over a pastry, Mark keeping a hand on Jackson's knee to stop him from standing up. Jinyoung groans and checks his phone.
"Do you think it's too late to back out?"
"They do know where you live," Jaebum offers. "And I'm pretty sure Mark-hyung's already seen us."
The rain's dwindled down to a small downpour by the time they reach the café, and Jinyoung almost misses the heat of Jaebum's side when they separate. "Doesn’t hurt to hope," Jinyoung grumbles, watching Jaebum fold the umbrella neatly. "The kids are gonna meet us later after cram school, but don't let them eat you alive."
"Sounds scary," says Jaebum, seriously. "Do you think I can fend them off with my army of fans?"
Jinyoung huffs, swiping at Jaebum, who breaks out into a laugh. His scarf falls to his neck, and Jinyoung is so glad it's dark out enough for barely anyone to recognize him from far away. Yes, he reminds himself, this is your life now, suck it up.
"Nah, Bambam will want to get girl group members' numbers from you and Yugyeom will just laugh at you like a disrespectful twerp." Jinyoung pauses. "By the way, don't listen to anything any of them says about me. Anything." Jaebum keeps laughing, and it gets so bad he has to lean against Jinyoung, umbrella knocking against Jinyoung's knee. "I mean it!"
Jaebum presses a quick kiss to the side of Jinyoung's mouth, fond and affectionate despite Jinyoung's protests. Jinyoung relaxes at that, even though Jackson is already waving and widening his eyes at them from inside the near-empty café, already miming at a few patrons whipping out their camera phones and snapping pictures of Jaebum even in the grainy light. Jaebum is all the recklessness and liquid courage Jinyoung's never realized he needed, and it doesn't help that he's so unbearably cheesy despite looking so cold to the touch. "But what if I want to hear everything about you?" Jaebum asks, chasing after Jinyoung's mouth with his thumb.
"I'm really boring, though. Are you sure about that?"
Jaebum strokes his cheek, the bow of his lip, an imaginary dimple, everything. "Positive," he says, voice soft. Behind the glass, Jackson is miming vomiting into a house plant, but Jinyoung is too distracted by the impossible fluttering at his stomach to care.
"Then I'll tell you afterwards," says Jinyoung, smiling with no hesitation, "but first you have to survive this date."
"I can't wait," says Jaebum, and tangles his fingers with Jinyoung's as they open the café door and step inside.
Additional Notes:
- "All pieces of scenery he thought he had long ago forgotten" refers to a specific line in Kim Young-Ha's Black Flower, paraphrased to fit into the train of thought
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