(no subject)
I try to hide it, but its eating me alive. Things have changed. Things have shifted. Things are skewed. Nothing is the same.
Everything in every moment keeps blurring together as if its all part of the same thing. Nothing is distinct anymore and everyone is starting to look the same. The words I keep hearing sound just like the last and the tones have lost all their colour.
The truth of it all at the end of the day - is that I miss being pregnant. I miss the potential, I miss the excitement, I miss the wonder. I was going to call him Miles. I was going to call him Miles Dylan. I knew it was a boy...I could just feel it. It was the same knowing I get when I listen to the earth move.
I could feel my uturus grow and expand each morning, with each sneeze, with each step. I could feel the heat of it's energy. I miss that feeling. I feel....empty and useless now.
I am tired of losing. I am tired of fighting. I am tired of keeping it together. I close my eyes tight, thinking that tomorrow will be a new day..a new chance. But my idea of chance isn't the same. Chance isn't something exciting, its just something else to prepare for. Chance is just a concept. Chance is pointless.
My perspective is all skewed. It shifted somewhere. It spilled out of me, with all the blood and mucus on the passenger seat of my mothers CRV. Now everything and nothing is worth fighting for. The lame laments of my heartstrings past don't seem so hard to let go of anymore...the romantic ideals of who I was before, seem fruitless. I speak clearly in my intentions 'cause I have no more time to waste. I know what I am after again.
I want that energy back.
I never thought I would be here, writing this now. I thought I was dealing with it well. I thought I had a handle on things, but my late night walks dont seem so comfortable anymore. There is something missing.....an energy, or a pair of sea blues, or a storm cloud rolling in over and ocean's bay....
its just not the same.
tata
Dee
Everything in every moment keeps blurring together as if its all part of the same thing. Nothing is distinct anymore and everyone is starting to look the same. The words I keep hearing sound just like the last and the tones have lost all their colour.
The truth of it all at the end of the day - is that I miss being pregnant. I miss the potential, I miss the excitement, I miss the wonder. I was going to call him Miles. I was going to call him Miles Dylan. I knew it was a boy...I could just feel it. It was the same knowing I get when I listen to the earth move.
I could feel my uturus grow and expand each morning, with each sneeze, with each step. I could feel the heat of it's energy. I miss that feeling. I feel....empty and useless now.
I am tired of losing. I am tired of fighting. I am tired of keeping it together. I close my eyes tight, thinking that tomorrow will be a new day..a new chance. But my idea of chance isn't the same. Chance isn't something exciting, its just something else to prepare for. Chance is just a concept. Chance is pointless.
My perspective is all skewed. It shifted somewhere. It spilled out of me, with all the blood and mucus on the passenger seat of my mothers CRV. Now everything and nothing is worth fighting for. The lame laments of my heartstrings past don't seem so hard to let go of anymore...the romantic ideals of who I was before, seem fruitless. I speak clearly in my intentions 'cause I have no more time to waste. I know what I am after again.
I want that energy back.
I never thought I would be here, writing this now. I thought I was dealing with it well. I thought I had a handle on things, but my late night walks dont seem so comfortable anymore. There is something missing.....an energy, or a pair of sea blues, or a storm cloud rolling in over and ocean's bay....
its just not the same.
tata
Dee
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