It's been a while since I've written in here.
Well, it's been since October since I've posted in here. I guess I was too afraid to list my problems of the past few months as text on a website for others to read. I guess maybe I'm a little afraid of confronting my problems as what they are. In October me and Anthony had no money. We barely had any food in the house...and no money to buy more with. I haad been hungry for two days, and we could both eat for free at the mess hall...but he never wanted to get us a ride up there. Therefore, he got to eat, while for 2 days I went hungry and had a whole glass of milk in between. I found out some things about Anthony I'd been dreading for the time I've known him. I guess I always knew in my heart that he would do it, even though he made a lot of promises I was told would never be broken. All the signs were there, and he told me I was paranoid, but I knew anyway. 2 weeks after I moved in with him, I had already developed friendships with Tara and Brandy. I think I had a stronger bond with Tara than Brandy, just because of the vibes they both gave off. Anyway, Tara and Brandy came by the house...to get me for our usual walks in the woods..but this time, Brandy told me she had something to tell me. I knew what it was already, but not with who. I wanted to know...So I asked..turns out Anthony had a thing going with Brandy 2 weeks after he married me. She told me not to go confront him about it just yet, I told her to fuck off, it's my business now, and I was going to handle it as I pleased. I was a surge of emotion..I didn't know what to think..maybe she was lying? I walked fast back to our apartments, and opened the door, and instantly started yelling at him..then tears started streaming down my face...I was hurt to the point beyond reason. I continued yelling at him, telling him he promised, he's a liar...and how could he do this to me? 2 WEEKS after we gave each other vows...I turned around and that whore Brandy had followed me back in the house...I didn't deal with her then, for the fact that I was more mad at Anthony than her, yes it's unfair, but try to understand how I had to have felt at that time. He grabbed his jacket and left for about 3 hours...I didn't care. I hated him..and I still do. Anyways..a week or so after this happened..is when we started running out of money..how we had lost $600 dollars in a week and on what I didn't know. But anyway, I knew things were going to get bad. We barelt talked me and Anthony. I didn't sleep in the same bed as him anymore. Didn't talk to him. Everyday after the walks I would come home, back to the place I hated..and feel tension in that apartment..At this point in my life, I was alone..I was afraid to trust anyone I had anything at all with..who were my real friends and who were my enemies? I was so scared all alone..I had people with me, but I was alone, if you know what I mean. I knew if I was going to make it there, I was on my own, and I couldn't trust anyone anymore. Now being a person that has an easy time trusting people, and knowing at the same time that it's a bad thing to do, tends to put on a hard-ass attitude to ward off any people. I think I kept mostly to myself. I was hungry, but who was I supposed to depend on..I wasn't old enough to get a job, we had no car...we had to be dependent on other people for every little thing that we did. The part I hated most was being in the same house with him. I loved him so much, but I knew what he was..and there was no way I could talk things out with him...I cried everyday after I found out for about 2 weeks. You're probably wondering why I didn't ask my parents for any money, or tell them what was happening? I do't like to ask people for money ..and I hated to ask them, because I didn't want them to know that I wasn't alright, it was all a little degrading to me. I have extreme morals in my life. So I never brought the topic up. They didn't know what Anthony had done 2 weeks after our wedding ceremony, and they weren't going to. I didn't want to go home, something held me there in that apartment with no food..no car, and a person I hated so much. I'm a person that can be easily lead by another human being..I can be promised the impossible, and believe it. I'm probably one of the most naive persons on this earth. I talked to a friend of mine about that, he says he's very naive too, but it's no one's fault but your own if your gullible. He's right. Anyway, about a week and a half or two after I found out, still being depressed still crying everyday of my life..I remember this night like it was yesterday..it was on that damned lunar eclipse..I had planned for my friend Stephanie to come over and we were gonna get drunk and watch the eclipse without anyone else. Well that didn't happen..Anthony came home from work..I didn't bother to clean the house that day..I was extremely depressed on this special day..and I was sick of having to pick up after his little friends and his little halo parties that he had. So I left the beer bottles and trash as they were..and continued my way on the computer, just looking up random shit..emailing people back home, telling them how great I was doing and the "oh life is one big fucking rainbow" facade..The usual for me back in those days. I had nothing but my system of a down...I listened to them all the time there..they probably have no idea how much they helped me through all that bullshit. He came home, and saw the house and asked, "What did you just not bother with the house? It's a mess look at it!" I got up from the computer, I looked at him and said, "If you want thise house clean, you can do it yourself." Tara had given me 20 dollars to buy a little bit of groceries, since she was going to California for a little while..I was going to be lost without her. I had accidentally left about 1/5 a block of cheese out and he flipped.."this could have been useful!!" I told him, that if he wanted to fucking eat he could go somewhere else, because Tara gave the money to me, and I hadn't eaten in 2 days..and if he didn't like it he could spend the night in the barracks. He stayed on my ass about it..I started putting the dishes in the dishwasher..he continued yelling at me about random shit..I tried to tune him out but I couldn't. So I walked over to him, looked him dead in the eye and spit in his face.. I was so mad, I know it was wrong of me, and the events to follow were probably all my fault as well. He grabbed my arms, slamming me face first into the wall..telling me I couldn't get out until I calmed down..well as soon as I was slammed into a wall I instantly started having panic attacks. I don't remember if I ever mentioned anything about my panic attacks in this thing, but he knew all about me having them, I showed him the papers where the shrink had diagnosed. Anyway yeah face first in wall makes panic attacks.. I can't see what he's going to do to me, behind me. His grip was rough, He knew what he was putting me through and he didn't give a fuck. I couldn't breathe, and I struggled to get my lungs to be not so pressed against the wall..maybe that's how he broke my rib..but this is nothing compared to what he did next. I had to move my legs around a bit to even think about breathing..and he saw this. He told me that if I din't stop moving he would hurt me until I calmed down (how you hurt someone until they calm down..I wanna know how this is possible..) I still couldn't breathe..and I was going to pass out if I didn't get in a reasonable position soon. He took one of my arms that were behind my back, and twisted it upwards til my hand almost touched the back of my neck. I din't know a human could do that!! I finally got enough adrenaline to break away from him.. and as I did he grabbed me again..by my arms..all I remember is him tripping my feet out from under me, so I fell to the groundand my head hit really hard..that's how I got the first knot on my head.. my chest hurt a lot. I thought I was going to die. I needed to go the hospital, but I had no one to help me..I couldn't get him off of me to call anyone..so I was fucked. He sat on my chest..right where I thought one of my ribs might have been broken...I told him to get off I couldn't breathe..It hurt like hell to talk.. he said he wasn't getting up until I calmed down..I told him I couldn't breathe... he didn't listen..I had to do something..I thought I was dying..I grabbed the only nearby thing..a cat toy..it was a plastic rod..with a string and pom pom tied to the end of it..I grabbed it..without him noticing..and hit him as hard as I could with it. It was hard as hell to do with as much pain as I was in..But I did it anyway. He did get off of me..but he was even more pissed off..so he picks me up by my arms and throws me in the chair..my head hitting one of the wooden beams in the house...in the same spot as where I hit it before...I was hyperventalating, my face was drenched in both sweat and tears..He told me if I got up he would hurt me..I needed to call someone so I waited a few seconds to get up..but he grabbed me, and threw me back dow..hitting my head a 3rd time in the same spot. I just layed there for a minute..I don't know if I was in severe pain, or shock, or both..luckily my dad calls...Anthony answers the phone..I didn't know who it was but I needed help..so I lifted my head up and asked to go to the hospital..I was hoping it was John. Turns out it was my dad. Anthony smooth talked my dad into believing that I had lost all control and went crazy on him. So he gives me the phone..and I told him what happened. But I don't think he believed me..I got on the phone with mom, and she asked what was going on..I didn't wanna tell her he had cheated on me, but I knew I had to get as far away from him as possible. I told her what he did..she asked me what I did, I told her I spit in his face..then she wanted to talk to him..and he told her I had gone crazy and shit like that..And then she got on the phone with me again asking me what the hell was wrong with me and I told her nothing. I broke down again and told her that he cheated on me with a girl that tried to befriend me..at that point Anthony went crazy again yelling at me to hang up or he would unplug the phone..I begged him not to..my mom said she was going to call the police..and anthony said he didn't give a shit what she did..He went downstairs and locked himself in our room..I could hear him throwing shit around..I was hoping Steph would come through the whole thing, but she never came.. I needed someone there with me. I was afraid of him. My mom called my sister who then got me a cab to come from Alabama to Georgia.. I went downstairs to pack my shit..he told me I had five minutes to get everything I needed..and then he was throwing me out..so I tried to pack all of my clothes and shit in that little time..He gave me a minimum of about 2 minutes..its what it semmed like to me..My back hurt so bad..he told me time was up..I didn't have everything.. I had stopped crying.. The panic attacks had stopped..at that time he picked me up by by arms and lead me to the door..I tried to get back in but he pushed me as hard as he could..and I fell backwards, and tripped over my suitcase..hitting my head on the ground for a fourth time, in the same spot..he slammed the door and locked it..I layed there for a few minutes in pain..and tears came down again..I got up, put the rest of what I had gotten into my suitcases.. pulled them upstairs and out the front door..i was ready to fucking get out of there. Needless to say..the cab got there the next day..I stayed up until it got there, I was so tired. I got my two cats, my clothes and my pillow..and left to my sister's in Alabama. I got to my sisters about 4 hours later..I didn't say much...just kept to myself pretty much----I'm home now. Things are better..there is still that fucking scab on my heart from where this all happened. Knowing from past experiences..It's going to be a while before I fully recover from what happened. Anthony's gone back to Kuwait..I recieve many emails from him begging me to come back..but I know I never will...