You are my Voice - Reita x Ruki - 11/xx
Title: You are my voice
Chapters: 11/xx
Author:
kiyoshiyuu
Genre: AU, OOC, fluff, eventually angsty
Warnings: muteness, manxman love, bad english
Rating: PG-13 to be sure
Pairings/Characters: ReitaxRuki
Disclaimer: the GazettE belong to themselves only. My imagination is mine though.
Synopsis: He saw Reita’s smiling faces, he saw Reita sitting on a chair in a sunlit room, he heard Reita’s gentle voice whispering his name, he felt his heart flutter as he remembered his scent. But everything played only in his head
Comments: This is completely AU. Many things are totally made up or only half true, but after all this is fiction :D
chapter 01 | chapter 02 | chapter 03 | chapter 04 | chapter 05
chapter 06 | chapter 07 | chapter 08 | chapter 09 | chapter 10
Ruki ran until he ran out of breath. His lungs ached from the lack of oxygen and from the dry air that crashed them. Of course he was crying and of course he wished he was able to drop dead from mere willpower. This was the most horrible day in his entire life. This was the day of humiliation, the day of having exposed his vulnerable self to what was able to hurt him more than anything else.
He wished that someone just told him why he could have been so stupid, not knowing whom he was talking to the entire time. Reita hadn’t said it word by word, but it was clear that he was no one else than Rock’n Roll swindle, the person Ruki thought to be his new friend, the person Ruki had trusted so much. He was okay with losing Rock’n Roll Swindle and not trusting him anymore. It was not okay that it was Reita who betrayed him.
Akira, Reita, Rock’n Roll Swindle.
Couldn’t they all just cease to exist for him? Couldn’t they just vanish from his heart and leave him alone forever ?
He was still crying when he arrived at home, frustration written all over his face, anger showing in his eyes. He was furiously mad at Reita in that very moment, but not only at Reita, also at himself for having been so foolish. He couldn’t shove all the blame onto Reita now. He should have been more conscious, he wanted to think that it was all his fault. Because Reita didn’t have any faults.
He wiped his tears of frustration and shame away and started his laptop like so many times before.
How did Reita dare to deceive him like this ? He thought he was his friend ! He had really thought so. But probably he couldn’t expect a true friendship from someone so incomparably superior like Reita the rock star. So many thoughts rushed through Ruki’s head. Every new one was a darker color. Every new one brought the realisation nearer and nearer that Reita had known of his feelings all along.
The first action he took was deleting Reita from his friends list, as well as deleting Rock’n Roll Swindle’s messenger address from his contact list. He didn’t dare deleting Reita’s messenger address as well, although he was close to do it. He only blocked him as he didn’t want to talk to him anymore. Breaking contact was the best thing to do now, that was what Ruki reckoned. He couldn’t bear talking to anyone - to Reita - who knew all about his feelings towards him. He was staring at the screen, clearly abashed and depressed. Never should Reita have learned about his affection. What did the other think about him now? Ruki didn’t want to go as far as to imagine that, but it certainly did hurt enough already.
Reita made no sign of regretting anything that evening. Ruki knew he was waiting for some sort of apologize, or even for a tiny hint that Reita cared. Ruki hated the tears rolling from the corners of his eyes, he hated crying so frequently as he did, he felt weak, but weak was just what he was. Specifically because the reason of his frailty was the one he had loved and trusted the most but let him fall and hit the ground so easily.
--
As expected, or feared, Ruki was not able to adhere that loss of contact for a very long time. It wasn’t his own fault, for Reita’s messenger was still blocked, and although he had felt the urge to write him more than once he had always refused to do so. No, Ruki still had a job that, for the first time ever, unfortunately required meeting his beloved idol.
Reita’s single had been released with glorious pomp and splendour, immediately advanced to hit the top of the charts, naturally sent the fans into a frenzy. Only Ruki stayed calm about the whole affair. He had bought the single, there was no way he would miss to do so, but he hadn’t yet listened to it. He knew bits and pieces of the single already anyways. But if he wanted to avoid anything in that moment it was Reita’s voice.
However, as fate wanted him to, there was an interview scheduled for that date, two days after the release, one week after Ruki’s worst day ever. He knew he should have listened to the entire single at least once. But he couldn’t. He went to the interview place without even knowing what the main song of the new CD was about. Never before had he gone to an interview unprepared. But tough times call for tough measures. He didn’t have to know anything, wouldn’t say a word there anyways.
At the time he arrived at the room the interview was held at he was a nervous wreck. His hands were shaking when he pushed the door open, knowing he would see Reita again in some mercilessly advancing seconds and he couldn’t bear it. He felt how his fingers were wet from sweat and how his fingers almost slipped off the doorknob.
As expected, Reita was already sitting there in a chair, hands put on the table, always fidgeting with his rings, gaze downcast. Only when Ruki closed the door behind him he could see the handsome blonde look up at him. Ruki wanted to avert his eyes, but it was too late and their eyes met for a split second, for an instant so small that no watch could ever measure it, but it was enough to make Ruki crumble inside.
Ruki had long since decided to ignore Reita completely, and already now had he acknowledged him far too much. Who was he now to look into his eyes, how did he dare to not pretend he was okay when it was the only thing he should do then. To pretend. To not show that he was broken. This is what he should have done then. But he couldn’t. The knowledge that Reita knew was agonizing. He wanted to scream. He wanted to turn around and leave. He felt Reita’s eyes not leaving his pathetic figure. His heart contorted in his pounding chest.
He dropped down on a chair, not next to Reita, as usual, but the farthest away possible. From that moment on his laptop seemed to be the only thing that existed. He didn’t look up once. After the questioning had started, he heard voices, blurred, distant, unimportant. He saw Reita’s smiling faces, he saw Reita sitting on a chair in a sunlit room, he heard Reita’s gentle voice whispering his name, he felt his heart flutter as he remembered his scent. But everything played only in his head. In reality, Reita was not there for him. Reita was blurred, distant, yet essential for his miserable existence. And only sitting on a chair in the somber interview room answering boring questions.
As the visions faded and as his senses awakened again, he found the interview about to be concluded. He had hardly written anything down in his document. There was simply no need for it. If this was the way his life was continuing from now on, there was no point in being enthusiastic about something that made him suffer so much. He was a fool in love and he didn’t care whether he was risking his job just because his heart played tricks on him.
“You’re so fucking pathetic, Ruki. Pathetic. Don’t look at his disgusted face anymore.”
For disgusted was what he thought Reita to be.
In an instant he was out of the room. No polite waving as a sign of saying goodbye. Politeness didn’t matter. Not anymore. There was no reason why he should try his best to not make Reita go away. He had already achieved what it took to do so. Feelings were a curse.
A grasp, a yank and he stood still. He turned around only to stare into those dark orbs he had never wanted to see again. Embarrassment stuck to his face like a thick layer of make-up, like an iron mask he couldn’t take off anymore. Guiltily and shamefully he tore his eyes away from the other’s, nerves on fire, his heart pumping the liquid of life through his veins mercilessly and painfully fast.
He couldn’t believe Reita was still looking at him, coming near him, touching him after all that had happened. After he knew everything. Disgusted.
If he was able to, if he only was able to, he would have screamed at the singer right then. He would have screamed for no reason at all. He knew that Reita was not to blame. Perhaps he would have found out an other way. Perhaps it was even better he had learned it that way. So that he was able to get rid of Ruki a little sooner.
“Ruki, let me talk to you. Please.”
But Ruki would not let him. He threw a glance at him that crystal clearly said what he thought and turned around again, getting loose easily from Reita’s grip as he tried. He stomped away, not looking back once, not even thinking about looking back. If he had, though, he could have seen the hurt expression on Reita’s face, for Reita was sure then that Ruki hated him.
--
The day continued for Ruki as miserable as it had begun. Immediately after he had left Reita he went to his desk in the office room and hid there for the rest of the day and even as night had raised its pitch black curtain he was still sitting there, staring at the screen of his dear laptop but saw only countless flickering pixels that didn’t create a clear picture, that made his head ache.
After everyone else had left early in the evening he eventually decided to not hold it back anymore and cried his eyes out. Even now they were still red from the irritating salty tears.
He didn’t care when he realised that he had missed the last train. Nothing mattered anymore at that moment. He played with the thought of getting completely naked now, of throwing his clothes everywhere about the room, of dancing, of laughing, of screaming, of shouting his anger, of singing. But he couldn’t laugh, couldn’t scream, couldn’t shout, could not sing. He was not even a good dancer.
Absurd thoughts were spinning in his head. Thousands, mixing and mingling together, melting into a mass of incoherent bits and pieces of words, and all of those thousands notions ended with one name that was imprinted distinctly and gleaming vividly in black on the white blur: Reita.
Reita was everywhere. And yet he would never be there again.
A sudden violent fear captured him when he thought about meeting Reita again.
It would not do.
His fear was too strong, the fear of being rejected. The fear of facing Reita and getting a clear no. He would rather run away from it.
Because he knew the answer already.
Love kills but slowly.
--
It was in the afternoon of the following day when he finally left the office and returned to his apartment. He felt numb and dirty. He didn’t shower. Nothing mattered. His hair was sticky, his clothes made his skin feel the same. But it didn’t matter. Why should he try to look acceptable for that society of impersonal beings among which there was no individual he cared for. And where no one cared for him.
He didn’t belong. To no one. And first and foremost not to Reita. Who was he to wish for Reita’s feelings? How did he dare to hope not to be rejected? By that perfect being that was Reita.
He stared at his journal pathetically, it brought fresh painful memories. He clicked on some links and arrived at Reita’s blog. He was still able to read it, a sign for not having been deleted from Reita’s friends list ... yet. An entry from that day said that Reita wanted to talk to Ruki. Ruki smiled wryly. So Reita thought that Ruki would still read it. Well, what could he say, he was right.
Just when he scratched the back of his head and thought that he will soon be drowning in that sea of self pity, the doorbell rang. He buried his head in his hands and would have groaned loudly if he could. After he rubbed his sore eyes he got up and to the door, opening it only a few inches although he didn’t want to see anyone. He lifted his gaze and met the familiar face he actually wanted to avoid from now on. As soon as Ruki had recognized the person undoubtedly as Reita he nearly smashed the door back into the other’s face. His heart was beating erratically, he was afraid it would jump out of his ribcage. However, the door was not shut.
Ruki was still leaning against the door, but Reita’s foot was put firmly between it and the door frame. A vehement struggle began, Ruki pushed and fought and tried to shove him out, Reita tried to calm him down and talked to him soothingly while still trying to push through.
“Ruki, I just want to talk to you ! Stop acting like a stubborn brat !”
At Reita’s harsh words, Ruki broke down again, definitely too weak to fight Reita any longer and he let go of the door. Reita immediately slipped in and closed the door behind him.
“Ruki, please listen to ... Ruki !”
As Reita wanted to put a hand on his shoulder, Ruki began to struggle again. He hanged his head and lashed about blindly, not minding where he hit Reita or whether he hit him at all, for he just didn’t want to be touched by that skin that burned ugly wounds into his flesh and heart.
Too fragile and to exhausted, Ruki’s attempts at shoving Reita out ceased and Reita took his chance and held Ruki’s hands securely, waited until he calmed down. What didn’t arrive. Instead, Ruki broke out into tears again. Nothing could describe the embarrassment and misery he currently went through. He couldn’t handle the fact that Reita knew he loved him. Perhaps other people were able to be okay with an equal situation, but he was certainly not. He was sure that no one was able to understand him right then.
Reita only looked down at him with a frown on his face. He then took the trembling body to the bed and sat him down. He really wanted to talk to his friend. But he didn’t know what to say seeing him like that.
Why was everything so complicated ?
He put his arms cautiously around Ruki’s shoulders and hold him only lightly, he felt as if he wasn’t touching him at all. He felt lost suddenly. All the words he had prepared to tell him were gone. Whatever he wanted to say, whatever he had felt was right to say felt wrong now.
Ruki looked so utterly destroyed at the very moment. He looked terribly unkempt, the dark circles under his red eyes showed him that he probably hadn’t slept, he looked so tired.
He held a heartbroken sculpture of glass in his hands and he knew that the slightest pressure of his fingertips could shatter it into a thousand pieces. He felt like he had to make a decision right in that very moment, but what was the right choice in a situation like this ?
Would it be okay to return Ruki’s feelings now ? Would it be all right to lie to Ruki and to himself at the same time ? No, he couldn’t lie to Ruki anymore.
Nothing but lies when he thought he loved him. Nothing but lies when he told himself he was wrong.
He tightened his grip around that fragile frame and crashed it completely.
--
Ruki didn’t know what had happened the previous day. He woke up in his bed, he was wearing a fresh T-shirt and his pants were neatly placed where they belonged. He stared up at the white ceiling and recollected his thoughts. Right. Reita had been there. Was he still there ? Ruki looked about the room but couldn’t find him. His shoes were also gone. He was gone.
Ruki heaved a heavy sigh and sat up. Work. He had a lot of work to do. His boss had been nagging him about doing this and doing that and that interview from the other day had to be finished as well.
So he involuntarily crawled out of the bed, leaving the warm blanket he actually didn’t want to miss at the moment behind. He shuffled to the small bathroom to do his morning business as a matter of routine. He finally showered, even. He should have done that the previous day. As he was standing there in the tiny tub he felt the urge, the inexplicable urge, to sing.
”Try it, just try it !” He knew that he was actually able to do it. Vocal chords ? Cut off of his brain ? Yes, maybe. But it was not like his vocal chords had disappeared. Physical cause ? No. Psychological ? Yes, Ruki knew why. And he tried to open his mouth, to collect the air in his lungs, and he tried to press it out through his vocal chords, but the only thing he was able to voice was the hint of an exhalation.
Frustrated, he kicked against the tub and regretted it at the same time. Again he opened his mouth as a natural reflex to the pain in his toes, but different to a person who could speak there was only air, no “ouch” or “fuck” or pained “ah”.
He sighed, pretty much the only sound he was still able to produce, and got out of the tub.
After he had put on some fresh clothing he went to do what was necessary for earning his living. Namely to occupy his mind with Reita. Stupid interview. He didn’t want to read all that stuff, didn’t want to know what Reita had to say about music and all that complicated music related insider knowledge. What a wonderful prospect of that day. Reita here, Reita there.
What has Akira wanted here yesterday, he wondered to himself. He thought hard about it, remembering the agonizing fact that Reita had seen him in that miserable state, in that pure ugliness of his, in that self-loathing condition he had never wanted to show him. Well, now it was too late to regret not having showered before the older of the two came to his apartment.
To distract himself at least for some minutes from the stupid feelings of unrequited love, he opened the in-box of his emails and checked if anything new of importance among all the spam that was there had arrived.
Indeed, he read a very interesting email.
--
A/N:
First of all, I wanna thank everyone who has commented on this fic so far and also for all the birthday wishes I got ! Really, I’m so happy that people like this story although I’m always afraid that it’s so badly written (･∀･)” Really thank you !
I’m sorry for the long scene at the office and the generally long blabla m(_ _)m I just felt like writing it.
And I’m sorry that it might sometimes not be well understandable ... I wanted to write so that one has to read a line maybe 2 or 3 times and to look a bit closer and read between the lines ... but, eh, I guess I failed ^^”
Btw, I told you it it’d get angsty >>” *cough* It will soon be better again ^_^”
Chapters: 11/xx
Author:
kiyoshiyuu
Genre: AU, OOC, fluff, eventually angsty
Warnings: muteness, manxman love, bad english
Rating: PG-13 to be sure
Pairings/Characters: ReitaxRuki
Disclaimer: the GazettE belong to themselves only. My imagination is mine though.
Synopsis: He saw Reita’s smiling faces, he saw Reita sitting on a chair in a sunlit room, he heard Reita’s gentle voice whispering his name, he felt his heart flutter as he remembered his scent. But everything played only in his head
Comments: This is completely AU. Many things are totally made up or only half true, but after all this is fiction :D
chapter 01 | chapter 02 | chapter 03 | chapter 04 | chapter 05
chapter 06 | chapter 07 | chapter 08 | chapter 09 | chapter 10
Ruki ran until he ran out of breath. His lungs ached from the lack of oxygen and from the dry air that crashed them. Of course he was crying and of course he wished he was able to drop dead from mere willpower. This was the most horrible day in his entire life. This was the day of humiliation, the day of having exposed his vulnerable self to what was able to hurt him more than anything else.
He wished that someone just told him why he could have been so stupid, not knowing whom he was talking to the entire time. Reita hadn’t said it word by word, but it was clear that he was no one else than Rock’n Roll swindle, the person Ruki thought to be his new friend, the person Ruki had trusted so much. He was okay with losing Rock’n Roll Swindle and not trusting him anymore. It was not okay that it was Reita who betrayed him.
Akira, Reita, Rock’n Roll Swindle.
Couldn’t they all just cease to exist for him? Couldn’t they just vanish from his heart and leave him alone forever ?
He was still crying when he arrived at home, frustration written all over his face, anger showing in his eyes. He was furiously mad at Reita in that very moment, but not only at Reita, also at himself for having been so foolish. He couldn’t shove all the blame onto Reita now. He should have been more conscious, he wanted to think that it was all his fault. Because Reita didn’t have any faults.
He wiped his tears of frustration and shame away and started his laptop like so many times before.
How did Reita dare to deceive him like this ? He thought he was his friend ! He had really thought so. But probably he couldn’t expect a true friendship from someone so incomparably superior like Reita the rock star. So many thoughts rushed through Ruki’s head. Every new one was a darker color. Every new one brought the realisation nearer and nearer that Reita had known of his feelings all along.
The first action he took was deleting Reita from his friends list, as well as deleting Rock’n Roll Swindle’s messenger address from his contact list. He didn’t dare deleting Reita’s messenger address as well, although he was close to do it. He only blocked him as he didn’t want to talk to him anymore. Breaking contact was the best thing to do now, that was what Ruki reckoned. He couldn’t bear talking to anyone - to Reita - who knew all about his feelings towards him. He was staring at the screen, clearly abashed and depressed. Never should Reita have learned about his affection. What did the other think about him now? Ruki didn’t want to go as far as to imagine that, but it certainly did hurt enough already.
Reita made no sign of regretting anything that evening. Ruki knew he was waiting for some sort of apologize, or even for a tiny hint that Reita cared. Ruki hated the tears rolling from the corners of his eyes, he hated crying so frequently as he did, he felt weak, but weak was just what he was. Specifically because the reason of his frailty was the one he had loved and trusted the most but let him fall and hit the ground so easily.
--
As expected, or feared, Ruki was not able to adhere that loss of contact for a very long time. It wasn’t his own fault, for Reita’s messenger was still blocked, and although he had felt the urge to write him more than once he had always refused to do so. No, Ruki still had a job that, for the first time ever, unfortunately required meeting his beloved idol.
Reita’s single had been released with glorious pomp and splendour, immediately advanced to hit the top of the charts, naturally sent the fans into a frenzy. Only Ruki stayed calm about the whole affair. He had bought the single, there was no way he would miss to do so, but he hadn’t yet listened to it. He knew bits and pieces of the single already anyways. But if he wanted to avoid anything in that moment it was Reita’s voice.
However, as fate wanted him to, there was an interview scheduled for that date, two days after the release, one week after Ruki’s worst day ever. He knew he should have listened to the entire single at least once. But he couldn’t. He went to the interview place without even knowing what the main song of the new CD was about. Never before had he gone to an interview unprepared. But tough times call for tough measures. He didn’t have to know anything, wouldn’t say a word there anyways.
At the time he arrived at the room the interview was held at he was a nervous wreck. His hands were shaking when he pushed the door open, knowing he would see Reita again in some mercilessly advancing seconds and he couldn’t bear it. He felt how his fingers were wet from sweat and how his fingers almost slipped off the doorknob.
As expected, Reita was already sitting there in a chair, hands put on the table, always fidgeting with his rings, gaze downcast. Only when Ruki closed the door behind him he could see the handsome blonde look up at him. Ruki wanted to avert his eyes, but it was too late and their eyes met for a split second, for an instant so small that no watch could ever measure it, but it was enough to make Ruki crumble inside.
Ruki had long since decided to ignore Reita completely, and already now had he acknowledged him far too much. Who was he now to look into his eyes, how did he dare to not pretend he was okay when it was the only thing he should do then. To pretend. To not show that he was broken. This is what he should have done then. But he couldn’t. The knowledge that Reita knew was agonizing. He wanted to scream. He wanted to turn around and leave. He felt Reita’s eyes not leaving his pathetic figure. His heart contorted in his pounding chest.
He dropped down on a chair, not next to Reita, as usual, but the farthest away possible. From that moment on his laptop seemed to be the only thing that existed. He didn’t look up once. After the questioning had started, he heard voices, blurred, distant, unimportant. He saw Reita’s smiling faces, he saw Reita sitting on a chair in a sunlit room, he heard Reita’s gentle voice whispering his name, he felt his heart flutter as he remembered his scent. But everything played only in his head. In reality, Reita was not there for him. Reita was blurred, distant, yet essential for his miserable existence. And only sitting on a chair in the somber interview room answering boring questions.
As the visions faded and as his senses awakened again, he found the interview about to be concluded. He had hardly written anything down in his document. There was simply no need for it. If this was the way his life was continuing from now on, there was no point in being enthusiastic about something that made him suffer so much. He was a fool in love and he didn’t care whether he was risking his job just because his heart played tricks on him.
“You’re so fucking pathetic, Ruki. Pathetic. Don’t look at his disgusted face anymore.”
For disgusted was what he thought Reita to be.
In an instant he was out of the room. No polite waving as a sign of saying goodbye. Politeness didn’t matter. Not anymore. There was no reason why he should try his best to not make Reita go away. He had already achieved what it took to do so. Feelings were a curse.
A grasp, a yank and he stood still. He turned around only to stare into those dark orbs he had never wanted to see again. Embarrassment stuck to his face like a thick layer of make-up, like an iron mask he couldn’t take off anymore. Guiltily and shamefully he tore his eyes away from the other’s, nerves on fire, his heart pumping the liquid of life through his veins mercilessly and painfully fast.
He couldn’t believe Reita was still looking at him, coming near him, touching him after all that had happened. After he knew everything. Disgusted.
If he was able to, if he only was able to, he would have screamed at the singer right then. He would have screamed for no reason at all. He knew that Reita was not to blame. Perhaps he would have found out an other way. Perhaps it was even better he had learned it that way. So that he was able to get rid of Ruki a little sooner.
“Ruki, let me talk to you. Please.”
But Ruki would not let him. He threw a glance at him that crystal clearly said what he thought and turned around again, getting loose easily from Reita’s grip as he tried. He stomped away, not looking back once, not even thinking about looking back. If he had, though, he could have seen the hurt expression on Reita’s face, for Reita was sure then that Ruki hated him.
--
The day continued for Ruki as miserable as it had begun. Immediately after he had left Reita he went to his desk in the office room and hid there for the rest of the day and even as night had raised its pitch black curtain he was still sitting there, staring at the screen of his dear laptop but saw only countless flickering pixels that didn’t create a clear picture, that made his head ache.
After everyone else had left early in the evening he eventually decided to not hold it back anymore and cried his eyes out. Even now they were still red from the irritating salty tears.
He didn’t care when he realised that he had missed the last train. Nothing mattered anymore at that moment. He played with the thought of getting completely naked now, of throwing his clothes everywhere about the room, of dancing, of laughing, of screaming, of shouting his anger, of singing. But he couldn’t laugh, couldn’t scream, couldn’t shout, could not sing. He was not even a good dancer.
Absurd thoughts were spinning in his head. Thousands, mixing and mingling together, melting into a mass of incoherent bits and pieces of words, and all of those thousands notions ended with one name that was imprinted distinctly and gleaming vividly in black on the white blur: Reita.
Reita was everywhere. And yet he would never be there again.
A sudden violent fear captured him when he thought about meeting Reita again.
It would not do.
His fear was too strong, the fear of being rejected. The fear of facing Reita and getting a clear no. He would rather run away from it.
Because he knew the answer already.
Love kills but slowly.
--
It was in the afternoon of the following day when he finally left the office and returned to his apartment. He felt numb and dirty. He didn’t shower. Nothing mattered. His hair was sticky, his clothes made his skin feel the same. But it didn’t matter. Why should he try to look acceptable for that society of impersonal beings among which there was no individual he cared for. And where no one cared for him.
He didn’t belong. To no one. And first and foremost not to Reita. Who was he to wish for Reita’s feelings? How did he dare to hope not to be rejected? By that perfect being that was Reita.
He stared at his journal pathetically, it brought fresh painful memories. He clicked on some links and arrived at Reita’s blog. He was still able to read it, a sign for not having been deleted from Reita’s friends list ... yet. An entry from that day said that Reita wanted to talk to Ruki. Ruki smiled wryly. So Reita thought that Ruki would still read it. Well, what could he say, he was right.
Just when he scratched the back of his head and thought that he will soon be drowning in that sea of self pity, the doorbell rang. He buried his head in his hands and would have groaned loudly if he could. After he rubbed his sore eyes he got up and to the door, opening it only a few inches although he didn’t want to see anyone. He lifted his gaze and met the familiar face he actually wanted to avoid from now on. As soon as Ruki had recognized the person undoubtedly as Reita he nearly smashed the door back into the other’s face. His heart was beating erratically, he was afraid it would jump out of his ribcage. However, the door was not shut.
Ruki was still leaning against the door, but Reita’s foot was put firmly between it and the door frame. A vehement struggle began, Ruki pushed and fought and tried to shove him out, Reita tried to calm him down and talked to him soothingly while still trying to push through.
“Ruki, I just want to talk to you ! Stop acting like a stubborn brat !”
At Reita’s harsh words, Ruki broke down again, definitely too weak to fight Reita any longer and he let go of the door. Reita immediately slipped in and closed the door behind him.
“Ruki, please listen to ... Ruki !”
As Reita wanted to put a hand on his shoulder, Ruki began to struggle again. He hanged his head and lashed about blindly, not minding where he hit Reita or whether he hit him at all, for he just didn’t want to be touched by that skin that burned ugly wounds into his flesh and heart.
Too fragile and to exhausted, Ruki’s attempts at shoving Reita out ceased and Reita took his chance and held Ruki’s hands securely, waited until he calmed down. What didn’t arrive. Instead, Ruki broke out into tears again. Nothing could describe the embarrassment and misery he currently went through. He couldn’t handle the fact that Reita knew he loved him. Perhaps other people were able to be okay with an equal situation, but he was certainly not. He was sure that no one was able to understand him right then.
Reita only looked down at him with a frown on his face. He then took the trembling body to the bed and sat him down. He really wanted to talk to his friend. But he didn’t know what to say seeing him like that.
Why was everything so complicated ?
He put his arms cautiously around Ruki’s shoulders and hold him only lightly, he felt as if he wasn’t touching him at all. He felt lost suddenly. All the words he had prepared to tell him were gone. Whatever he wanted to say, whatever he had felt was right to say felt wrong now.
Ruki looked so utterly destroyed at the very moment. He looked terribly unkempt, the dark circles under his red eyes showed him that he probably hadn’t slept, he looked so tired.
He held a heartbroken sculpture of glass in his hands and he knew that the slightest pressure of his fingertips could shatter it into a thousand pieces. He felt like he had to make a decision right in that very moment, but what was the right choice in a situation like this ?
Would it be okay to return Ruki’s feelings now ? Would it be all right to lie to Ruki and to himself at the same time ? No, he couldn’t lie to Ruki anymore.
Nothing but lies when he thought he loved him. Nothing but lies when he told himself he was wrong.
He tightened his grip around that fragile frame and crashed it completely.
--
Ruki didn’t know what had happened the previous day. He woke up in his bed, he was wearing a fresh T-shirt and his pants were neatly placed where they belonged. He stared up at the white ceiling and recollected his thoughts. Right. Reita had been there. Was he still there ? Ruki looked about the room but couldn’t find him. His shoes were also gone. He was gone.
Ruki heaved a heavy sigh and sat up. Work. He had a lot of work to do. His boss had been nagging him about doing this and doing that and that interview from the other day had to be finished as well.
So he involuntarily crawled out of the bed, leaving the warm blanket he actually didn’t want to miss at the moment behind. He shuffled to the small bathroom to do his morning business as a matter of routine. He finally showered, even. He should have done that the previous day. As he was standing there in the tiny tub he felt the urge, the inexplicable urge, to sing.
”Try it, just try it !” He knew that he was actually able to do it. Vocal chords ? Cut off of his brain ? Yes, maybe. But it was not like his vocal chords had disappeared. Physical cause ? No. Psychological ? Yes, Ruki knew why. And he tried to open his mouth, to collect the air in his lungs, and he tried to press it out through his vocal chords, but the only thing he was able to voice was the hint of an exhalation.
Frustrated, he kicked against the tub and regretted it at the same time. Again he opened his mouth as a natural reflex to the pain in his toes, but different to a person who could speak there was only air, no “ouch” or “fuck” or pained “ah”.
He sighed, pretty much the only sound he was still able to produce, and got out of the tub.
After he had put on some fresh clothing he went to do what was necessary for earning his living. Namely to occupy his mind with Reita. Stupid interview. He didn’t want to read all that stuff, didn’t want to know what Reita had to say about music and all that complicated music related insider knowledge. What a wonderful prospect of that day. Reita here, Reita there.
What has Akira wanted here yesterday, he wondered to himself. He thought hard about it, remembering the agonizing fact that Reita had seen him in that miserable state, in that pure ugliness of his, in that self-loathing condition he had never wanted to show him. Well, now it was too late to regret not having showered before the older of the two came to his apartment.
To distract himself at least for some minutes from the stupid feelings of unrequited love, he opened the in-box of his emails and checked if anything new of importance among all the spam that was there had arrived.
Indeed, he read a very interesting email.
--
A/N:
First of all, I wanna thank everyone who has commented on this fic so far and also for all the birthday wishes I got ! Really, I’m so happy that people like this story although I’m always afraid that it’s so badly written (･∀･)” Really thank you !
I’m sorry for the long scene at the office and the generally long blabla m(_ _)m I just felt like writing it.
And I’m sorry that it might sometimes not be well understandable ... I wanted to write so that one has to read a line maybe 2 or 3 times and to look a bit closer and read between the lines ... but, eh, I guess I failed ^^”
Btw, I told you it it’d get angsty >>” *cough* It will soon be better again ^_^”