(no subject)
how long ago did i lose the ability to feel magic, to feel excitement. i lost that as a kid. probably after santa clause, after the truth that magic doesn't exist. you know they really should let you down that hard. yea maybe santa isn't real but other magical things are real. like God, and love, and happiness. i mean maybe those things dont wrap up gifts for you and leave them under cinnamon scented evergreen trees with shiny things hanging on them, but they give you other gifts that are special. it. is. SO. hard for me to feel a sense of wonder, a childlike fascination, heart wrenching excitement and happiness. it's fleeting, it's forced. i try to recreate it at the holidays with my family. we all try to recreate it. fevereshly decorating, listening to christmas songs, watching the movies, making the food, baking, shopping, et cetera. all that leaves us with is debt and 15 extra pounds. it's not that i dont want to feel magic. my adult brain has become so jaded. i dont know when that happened. i woke up one day and things changed.
when i was little my idea of the universe was very graphic. life and heaven was a huge massive book that never ever ended. and as time passed the pages turn. since my understanding of heaven was that it was a happy place where time never came to an end, i was kind of fearful of it, mainly becasue of the fact that you are stuck there for ever and ever and ever whether you like it or not. what if you didnt like it there? it was a very basic view. but i honestly thought of it as a boring boook that i could never finish. other things like that frightened me too. like having to go to church every weekend for the rest of my life. i neve got a break? i wondered. i think it's the idea of knowing so definitely of an event in the future. an unavoidable event. so far ahead. like your fate is sealed.
i've had a rough week
when i was little my idea of the universe was very graphic. life and heaven was a huge massive book that never ever ended. and as time passed the pages turn. since my understanding of heaven was that it was a happy place where time never came to an end, i was kind of fearful of it, mainly becasue of the fact that you are stuck there for ever and ever and ever whether you like it or not. what if you didnt like it there? it was a very basic view. but i honestly thought of it as a boring boook that i could never finish. other things like that frightened me too. like having to go to church every weekend for the rest of my life. i neve got a break? i wondered. i think it's the idea of knowing so definitely of an event in the future. an unavoidable event. so far ahead. like your fate is sealed.
i've had a rough week