(no subject)
humph. this wont be an entry about how busy i am. i think that doesn't need to be said anymore. i am collecting myself. i'm getting better
alex. this is as close as i have ever been to a boy in my life. i have entered into "mature relationship stage" although we aren't necessarily in a relationship whatsoever. but it cant really get any closer than this. and i like it, a lot. it's not rocket ships and sparkles and fireworks and butterflies. but quite frankly, all that scares me. it's fake. it ends. this is comfortable, happy, healthy, right. fun. funny. new.
i'm becoming more and more OBSESSED with interior design. i want to roll around in it and capture it all in my head. all this excitement has stemmed from my residential design studio. i didn't think i'd be interested in residential. but after all these showrooms and furnitures and fabrics and textiles and tiles and materials and fine veneers and lacquered everything and shiny chandeliers and pottery and artwork and million dollar budgets.... it's artwork! it's artistic! this area of design is everything i ever wanted and never knew. it's art you can live in. art you can forever change and manipulate and appreciate. it's the ability to make someone's existence more perfect. everyone needs a little art in their life. it makes me so happy. i just hope i can do this.
other than that
sometimes i feel like i miss someone but i dont know who. when it's quiet and dark and i'm outside and it smells like night and winter and all these memories come flooding into my head... of things i cant quite understand... late car rides home after christmas at nana's. cradling gifts, full of keilbasa and apple pie, cold to the bone, drifting off to sleep as the heat starts me into a coma, watching the lights on the highway from my short little posture in the backseat. hearing my mom and dad talking about the family, getting annoyed when my sleeping sister slumped over onto my side of the car... we were such a happy little family. i cherish them and i want to keep them with me always. this memory breaks my heart. i hope they know what they mean to me, what this memory means to me. as the holidays roll around this is the feeling i'm always trying to rekindle. it gets harder and harder each year. the chore of finding a christmas tree. the rush to decorate. the gift buying, the meticulous ordering of presents from the mother, cranky sisters, dead family members. nana. pets gone, too tired this year to gather, smaller and smaller. older and older. no babies. then it's over and the feeling is still absent. we go to church hoping to find it in the hymns. we listen to carols and watch movies. but the only time it's back is in the moments we weren't looking for. laughing at the dog who ate the cucumber salad that aunt marie always makes and no one likes. adopting that same great aunt as my third grandmother because i have none other and she has no children, let alone grandchildren. losing poker yet again. and last year, getting away from it all with my dad. taking a long cold walk around town. hours. 2? 3? looking at the christmas lights. talking about all things spiritual and sentimental. christmas eve, christmas day. i will never forget times like that. it's the little moments as you get older that you really have to grab onto and not let go of. they dont come any less frequently, we just lose the ability to identify them amongst the absurdity of adulthood. i hear older age is much more stable than life right now. late thirties - sixties. i hope.
alex. this is as close as i have ever been to a boy in my life. i have entered into "mature relationship stage" although we aren't necessarily in a relationship whatsoever. but it cant really get any closer than this. and i like it, a lot. it's not rocket ships and sparkles and fireworks and butterflies. but quite frankly, all that scares me. it's fake. it ends. this is comfortable, happy, healthy, right. fun. funny. new.
i'm becoming more and more OBSESSED with interior design. i want to roll around in it and capture it all in my head. all this excitement has stemmed from my residential design studio. i didn't think i'd be interested in residential. but after all these showrooms and furnitures and fabrics and textiles and tiles and materials and fine veneers and lacquered everything and shiny chandeliers and pottery and artwork and million dollar budgets.... it's artwork! it's artistic! this area of design is everything i ever wanted and never knew. it's art you can live in. art you can forever change and manipulate and appreciate. it's the ability to make someone's existence more perfect. everyone needs a little art in their life. it makes me so happy. i just hope i can do this.
other than that
sometimes i feel like i miss someone but i dont know who. when it's quiet and dark and i'm outside and it smells like night and winter and all these memories come flooding into my head... of things i cant quite understand... late car rides home after christmas at nana's. cradling gifts, full of keilbasa and apple pie, cold to the bone, drifting off to sleep as the heat starts me into a coma, watching the lights on the highway from my short little posture in the backseat. hearing my mom and dad talking about the family, getting annoyed when my sleeping sister slumped over onto my side of the car... we were such a happy little family. i cherish them and i want to keep them with me always. this memory breaks my heart. i hope they know what they mean to me, what this memory means to me. as the holidays roll around this is the feeling i'm always trying to rekindle. it gets harder and harder each year. the chore of finding a christmas tree. the rush to decorate. the gift buying, the meticulous ordering of presents from the mother, cranky sisters, dead family members. nana. pets gone, too tired this year to gather, smaller and smaller. older and older. no babies. then it's over and the feeling is still absent. we go to church hoping to find it in the hymns. we listen to carols and watch movies. but the only time it's back is in the moments we weren't looking for. laughing at the dog who ate the cucumber salad that aunt marie always makes and no one likes. adopting that same great aunt as my third grandmother because i have none other and she has no children, let alone grandchildren. losing poker yet again. and last year, getting away from it all with my dad. taking a long cold walk around town. hours. 2? 3? looking at the christmas lights. talking about all things spiritual and sentimental. christmas eve, christmas day. i will never forget times like that. it's the little moments as you get older that you really have to grab onto and not let go of. they dont come any less frequently, we just lose the ability to identify them amongst the absurdity of adulthood. i hear older age is much more stable than life right now. late thirties - sixties. i hope.