the blahs
I'm not so happy these days. Part of it is work. Part of it is my Mom being sick-ish and having to re-do surgery from a month ago. Part of it is that my house is a mess. Part of it is trying to figure out if I'm supposed to keep a stray cat or not.
I'm reading The Shack by Wm Paul SomethingOrOther. Can't remember his last name. It is a decent book thus far. Really good for spirituality/theology books you can by at your local Wal Mart or drug store. God is personified as an African-American, woman. Jesus is Jesus and the Holy Spirit is an etherieal Asian woman. It's about a guy, Mack, who's daughter is kidnapped and presumed dead because they find blood stains in a shack where they believe her to have been taken. Anyway, Mack, a former seminary student, stuggles with his relationship with God in general, esp in light of his daugher's disapperence and murder. He get's a mysterous letter from "God" or "Papa" as God signs the note. God invites Mack back to The Shack, for a weekend.
Well, I was reading it today, and listening to Mack's struggle with a conversation with God. Where was she when the daugther was kidnapped? Why does he hurt so much etc. And she starts telling him of her love of him, and the relational qualtity btwn Jesus, her and the Spirit. The love has to exist btwn them, for her to be able to be in relationship with humanity etc. But I was moved. Because I am unhappy. Esp when thinking about what has happened to my Mom in the last 6 mos. Kidney failure. Disability checks not coming ontime. Surgery not working. Why did her stupid kidneys stop working when they were fine before? Why does this have to happen? Why does there have to be suffering? And although I'm "supposed" to have some great understanding of God bc I am a minister and have put myself into massive debt to go to seminary, I feel very seperated from God. I preach a God of love and realtionship because I think that's who God HAS to be. That's who I need God to be. But I don't feel God present. And I want to be loved and cared for. I want God to think I'm worth it. I want to be worth it. But even with all of these understandings of God that I have, I still am pissed. Pissed, and hurt and angry bc all of this has happened and I feel alone in this. I have friends, and I have my cats, but I still feel alone.
And I'm pissed bc it seems like I'm the one doing all the work in the churches here. I need help, and that's not happening as much as I would like. Am I supposed to be here? Am I supposed to start looking for a better/different job? Did I mess up coming here? Should I have waited for a job to happen in a city? If I look for another job, I know there will be issues. And then there's Anita, the stray cat who adopted me. Can I get a new job/house/apartment, and keep four cats?? I can't hear God talking to me right now, and it really sucks...and I don't know how to get back there.
So, I am going to clean my house a bit today. New litter box. Vaccum up kitty litter. Etc. Perhaps I will be able to hear God speaking to me, if I find a way to lose myself in the everyday stuff in my life.
I'm reading The Shack by Wm Paul SomethingOrOther. Can't remember his last name. It is a decent book thus far. Really good for spirituality/theology books you can by at your local Wal Mart or drug store. God is personified as an African-American, woman. Jesus is Jesus and the Holy Spirit is an etherieal Asian woman. It's about a guy, Mack, who's daughter is kidnapped and presumed dead because they find blood stains in a shack where they believe her to have been taken. Anyway, Mack, a former seminary student, stuggles with his relationship with God in general, esp in light of his daugher's disapperence and murder. He get's a mysterous letter from "God" or "Papa" as God signs the note. God invites Mack back to The Shack, for a weekend.
Well, I was reading it today, and listening to Mack's struggle with a conversation with God. Where was she when the daugther was kidnapped? Why does he hurt so much etc. And she starts telling him of her love of him, and the relational qualtity btwn Jesus, her and the Spirit. The love has to exist btwn them, for her to be able to be in relationship with humanity etc. But I was moved. Because I am unhappy. Esp when thinking about what has happened to my Mom in the last 6 mos. Kidney failure. Disability checks not coming ontime. Surgery not working. Why did her stupid kidneys stop working when they were fine before? Why does this have to happen? Why does there have to be suffering? And although I'm "supposed" to have some great understanding of God bc I am a minister and have put myself into massive debt to go to seminary, I feel very seperated from God. I preach a God of love and realtionship because I think that's who God HAS to be. That's who I need God to be. But I don't feel God present. And I want to be loved and cared for. I want God to think I'm worth it. I want to be worth it. But even with all of these understandings of God that I have, I still am pissed. Pissed, and hurt and angry bc all of this has happened and I feel alone in this. I have friends, and I have my cats, but I still feel alone.
And I'm pissed bc it seems like I'm the one doing all the work in the churches here. I need help, and that's not happening as much as I would like. Am I supposed to be here? Am I supposed to start looking for a better/different job? Did I mess up coming here? Should I have waited for a job to happen in a city? If I look for another job, I know there will be issues. And then there's Anita, the stray cat who adopted me. Can I get a new job/house/apartment, and keep four cats?? I can't hear God talking to me right now, and it really sucks...and I don't know how to get back there.
So, I am going to clean my house a bit today. New litter box. Vaccum up kitty litter. Etc. Perhaps I will be able to hear God speaking to me, if I find a way to lose myself in the everyday stuff in my life.