another nite shift - another update!
well it's been a few weeks and things are still shit in my little world. when it rain it pours...couldn't be more true for me.
in the last two weeks, my relationship with ian has gotten better and worse, it seems to vary from day to day - we're not together; we are both single - but we are trying to communicate more. no matter what, i could never stop loving him - he is my family. we have made a pact to always be a part of each others lives.
...and it's funny, because in all the needing of shoulders in the last few weeks - it's been his i've been leaning on. i never would have thought i could open up to him in the ways that i have...even in the last few days. not that i ever thought he'd judge me. NEVER. but sometimes in the past, i've felt uncomfortable crying, or feeling sorry for myself (and let's face it, we ALL need times in our lives where we can just feel shitty about ourselves and cry it all out), because he would always rub in my face how good my life has been overall and how i shouldn't complain because he's had it worse...
he hasn't done that in a long time. he's actually sat and listened to me, and let me cry, and been there.
does anyone else out there understand what i mean when i say that it kills me that i cannot change the way i feel?
i wish i could respark the passion that i once felt for him. i wish that our lives could be easy and i could just fall back in love with him - as easy as snapping my fingers. but it doesn't work that way and my heart doesn't work that way. i love him, but i'm not in love with him. i'm taking it one day at a time and not pressuring myself and/or forcing myself to make any decisions about ANYTHING re: my relationship. if it comes naturally, then it was meant to be that way...
in other news, my mother had a stroke a few weeks ago (not last week, but the week before) and now her specialist is saying that she can no longer live on her own because her epilepsy is out of control and apparently once you have a stroke, the likelihood of having another increases 10-fold. so for the last few weeks i've had to call her every single day at a beforehand specified hour, and if she doesn't answer, there are emergency procedures i'm supposed to initiate. it's fuckin' SO MUCH STRESS. but it has to be this way until she finds a home that can meet her needs.
*shakes her head*
i'm having a really hard time accepting that my mother is this ill, and that she's living the part of her life that's at the end of the road. i just watched my mother go through all of this with her own mom. now i'm dealing with it myself no less than 2 years later. it's fucked.
on top of it all, i'm in trouble at work again. i don't know why or what for. i hate that part the most...they never fuckin' tell you SHIT on the phone. just that they are arranging a meeting, that i should call my union rep. (not for this particular one because whatever it is, it's not that serious apparently) and that it's regarding "something that has been brought to my attention". what the shit does that mean?!
i hate going into meetings without any knowledge whatsoever of what it's regarding. it turns the whole thing into an improv session for me, where my boss and supervisor and throw whatever they want at me, just to watch me dance. we're unionized goddammit! it should be written in our rights that we should be informed of all topics to be mentioned during meetings that are directly involving the employee. it really isn't fair to make someone sweat for 4 days over something that could be as minor as remembering to log off the computer before leaving the administrator's office ya know?
either way, i've been thinking a lot about my career, and my overall happiness, and i think i really need to be doing something that makes me happy - regardless of income. so i'm seriously thinking about going back to school for fine arts, and studying glass-blowing. i have a half-acre of land in my backyard, which would be perfect to have my very own studio out there with my own equipment. i've looked into all of it and there are a few places locally that i can studying this artform, and the equipment isn't all that expensive if i save up for it. it's definitely a long-term goal, but something i really want to do.
ana even said she knows a lady in port stanley who has a glass-blowing studio at her house and she's going to ask her if she can give me private instruction.
it would be nice to be able to enjoy living again. i'm tired of feeling like shit.
in the last two weeks, my relationship with ian has gotten better and worse, it seems to vary from day to day - we're not together; we are both single - but we are trying to communicate more. no matter what, i could never stop loving him - he is my family. we have made a pact to always be a part of each others lives.
...and it's funny, because in all the needing of shoulders in the last few weeks - it's been his i've been leaning on. i never would have thought i could open up to him in the ways that i have...even in the last few days. not that i ever thought he'd judge me. NEVER. but sometimes in the past, i've felt uncomfortable crying, or feeling sorry for myself (and let's face it, we ALL need times in our lives where we can just feel shitty about ourselves and cry it all out), because he would always rub in my face how good my life has been overall and how i shouldn't complain because he's had it worse...
he hasn't done that in a long time. he's actually sat and listened to me, and let me cry, and been there.
does anyone else out there understand what i mean when i say that it kills me that i cannot change the way i feel?
i wish i could respark the passion that i once felt for him. i wish that our lives could be easy and i could just fall back in love with him - as easy as snapping my fingers. but it doesn't work that way and my heart doesn't work that way. i love him, but i'm not in love with him. i'm taking it one day at a time and not pressuring myself and/or forcing myself to make any decisions about ANYTHING re: my relationship. if it comes naturally, then it was meant to be that way...
in other news, my mother had a stroke a few weeks ago (not last week, but the week before) and now her specialist is saying that she can no longer live on her own because her epilepsy is out of control and apparently once you have a stroke, the likelihood of having another increases 10-fold. so for the last few weeks i've had to call her every single day at a beforehand specified hour, and if she doesn't answer, there are emergency procedures i'm supposed to initiate. it's fuckin' SO MUCH STRESS. but it has to be this way until she finds a home that can meet her needs.
*shakes her head*
i'm having a really hard time accepting that my mother is this ill, and that she's living the part of her life that's at the end of the road. i just watched my mother go through all of this with her own mom. now i'm dealing with it myself no less than 2 years later. it's fucked.
on top of it all, i'm in trouble at work again. i don't know why or what for. i hate that part the most...they never fuckin' tell you SHIT on the phone. just that they are arranging a meeting, that i should call my union rep. (not for this particular one because whatever it is, it's not that serious apparently) and that it's regarding "something that has been brought to my attention". what the shit does that mean?!
i hate going into meetings without any knowledge whatsoever of what it's regarding. it turns the whole thing into an improv session for me, where my boss and supervisor and throw whatever they want at me, just to watch me dance. we're unionized goddammit! it should be written in our rights that we should be informed of all topics to be mentioned during meetings that are directly involving the employee. it really isn't fair to make someone sweat for 4 days over something that could be as minor as remembering to log off the computer before leaving the administrator's office ya know?
either way, i've been thinking a lot about my career, and my overall happiness, and i think i really need to be doing something that makes me happy - regardless of income. so i'm seriously thinking about going back to school for fine arts, and studying glass-blowing. i have a half-acre of land in my backyard, which would be perfect to have my very own studio out there with my own equipment. i've looked into all of it and there are a few places locally that i can studying this artform, and the equipment isn't all that expensive if i save up for it. it's definitely a long-term goal, but something i really want to do.
ana even said she knows a lady in port stanley who has a glass-blowing studio at her house and she's going to ask her if she can give me private instruction.
it would be nice to be able to enjoy living again. i'm tired of feeling like shit.