falling apart...and putting it back together
i know it's been forever...
...i STILL do not have the internet at my house. we STILL have not painted and there is STILL a lot of stuff we have to do. sometimes when i just sit and ponder my house, i realize we haven't done much at all yet. and winter is coming. i'm hoping to at least start painting the living room and kitchen soon - i want it to look like it's mine all ready. i feel like i'm living in someone else's house because it's still all their decor ya know? it doesn't feel like i own it yet.
we ordered our paint last week through a friend who runs an interior painting company. as soon as it arrives, i'm going to start on the living room. that will make me happy.
so much has been going on in my life over the last few months. mostly involving my relationship. i can't help but feel that it's coming to an end. like our love for each other has changed and although i know that i dearly love this man - it's not a romantic love anymore. i can't help but feel that he knows it too, even though he maybe hasn't vocalized it (even to himself). he knows something is different...but what he doesn't realize is that it's not ME that is different...it's US.
it makes me really sad. we've been through so much together and i always thought that the struggles we took on would strengthen our love for each other and we'd grow together.
it feels like the exact opposite has happened. almost 2 months ago now, he accused me of cheating on him after i spent ONE afternoon with an old friend and his roommates. i never thought in a million years that he would doubt his trust in me. it was the moment i realized that what i thought was true in my life...really wasn't. things got better for a while afterwards, but it's never been the same. there is a void between us now - a rift - filled with all the pain we've caused each other and all the things we know we should say that we don't.
we rarely sleep together at all anymore. we rarely even sleep in the same house anymore. he has his own thing going on which keeps him out most of the night, and i just got tired of being home alone.
i've tried to talk to him about it a few times, but each time things get twisted and an argument ensues, or someone ends up in tears, or somehow...always without fail...it gets turned on me and I AM the one with all the problems and if I JUST changed a categorically organized list of things that are wrong with me, our problems wouldn't exist. i just cannot swallow such bullshit anymore.
i love him. i love him so much. but our relationship is killing the people we are/were to each other. i spend my nights at home alone crying over the loss of the man i fell in love with. and i question what happened to the girl he so desperately wanted to be with in the beginning.
where it goes from here i don't know. there are too many unanswered questions and too many uncertainties still ahead. just the thought of walking around our house and not having his stuff there. not rolling over and smelling him and feeling him and touching him next to me. not seeing his smile, or hearing his laugh. it breaks my heart...
...i STILL do not have the internet at my house. we STILL have not painted and there is STILL a lot of stuff we have to do. sometimes when i just sit and ponder my house, i realize we haven't done much at all yet. and winter is coming. i'm hoping to at least start painting the living room and kitchen soon - i want it to look like it's mine all ready. i feel like i'm living in someone else's house because it's still all their decor ya know? it doesn't feel like i own it yet.
we ordered our paint last week through a friend who runs an interior painting company. as soon as it arrives, i'm going to start on the living room. that will make me happy.
so much has been going on in my life over the last few months. mostly involving my relationship. i can't help but feel that it's coming to an end. like our love for each other has changed and although i know that i dearly love this man - it's not a romantic love anymore. i can't help but feel that he knows it too, even though he maybe hasn't vocalized it (even to himself). he knows something is different...but what he doesn't realize is that it's not ME that is different...it's US.
it makes me really sad. we've been through so much together and i always thought that the struggles we took on would strengthen our love for each other and we'd grow together.
it feels like the exact opposite has happened. almost 2 months ago now, he accused me of cheating on him after i spent ONE afternoon with an old friend and his roommates. i never thought in a million years that he would doubt his trust in me. it was the moment i realized that what i thought was true in my life...really wasn't. things got better for a while afterwards, but it's never been the same. there is a void between us now - a rift - filled with all the pain we've caused each other and all the things we know we should say that we don't.
we rarely sleep together at all anymore. we rarely even sleep in the same house anymore. he has his own thing going on which keeps him out most of the night, and i just got tired of being home alone.
i've tried to talk to him about it a few times, but each time things get twisted and an argument ensues, or someone ends up in tears, or somehow...always without fail...it gets turned on me and I AM the one with all the problems and if I JUST changed a categorically organized list of things that are wrong with me, our problems wouldn't exist. i just cannot swallow such bullshit anymore.
i love him. i love him so much. but our relationship is killing the people we are/were to each other. i spend my nights at home alone crying over the loss of the man i fell in love with. and i question what happened to the girl he so desperately wanted to be with in the beginning.
where it goes from here i don't know. there are too many unanswered questions and too many uncertainties still ahead. just the thought of walking around our house and not having his stuff there. not rolling over and smelling him and feeling him and touching him next to me. not seeing his smile, or hearing his laugh. it breaks my heart...