save tonight and fight the break of dawn. come tomorrow, tomorrow I’ll be gone…
I’m just completely aggravated with everything. I find that I’m not my usual kind, loving self. I hope I’m not hurting anyone right now. If I do, I’ll be sure to right that wrong. Ugh, words that he said to me. I have to keep writing. It’s only way I’m going to be able to find some peace. Just some.
I am incredibly grateful for the return of my urgency to write. I was scared that my ability had plummeted and may never return. Luckily, like a riding a bike, it laid dormant for me.
I love to see my fingers dance across the keyboard. My cluttered mess of a head become filtered before my very eyes. Words actually escaping the prison of myself. If only people really knew. If only I’d give them a chance to know. I’m devastatingly sensitive and fear running the risk of getting hurt. Even when I feel safe, I feel the impending doom of hurt lingering somewhere fairly close by.
I can hear the hustle and bustle going on around me and, yet, find myself only able to focus on the tiny window in front of me. The tiny window, sadly, is not metaphoric. It is the window in which I am typing in. I wish with all my earnestness that I could say that this window is metaphoric and is a tiny window of opportunity. But… it’s not. Go figure.
Illness’ genetics are very strong. I am very aware of that and just wonder. What else could all of this be? Complete and utter sadness. For as long as I can remember this ugly friend of mine has been my best friend forever and has never left my side. It’s never let me down and has always made itself known. Forever getting in my way of what I really want. Making me do very strange and odd behaviors. Even things, that in my either present or past self, wouldn’t condone. However, hypocrisy has also been another constant in my life. Another ailment that has never left my side.
I pray for those who are sick and suffering. Including the ones who are not conscience of their illnesses but is very apparent to others around them. Talk about the elephant in the room. Jeez. Breakaway…
If I’m scaring myself, I can only wonder what I’m doing to others right now. I’m not even sure what my exact feelings or thoughts are right now. I surely cannot expect any others to try to figure them out. Isn’t that why I’m trying to write this one out right now? Dunno. I wish I could bottle up my good feelings and break into them in case of an emergency. Currently, I feel like I’m in the midst of one. I don’t know what to do. Other than self-pity (which I’ve come to hate - if you can believe it.) I don’t know what else to do with myself. I want help; I don’t. I want a good listener; I don’t want to talk. I want to be saved; I want to give up.
These are very strange, familiar feelings that are drowning me right now. I’m pining for the day to come to an end so I may then enter the second and last phase of its unbearable-ness. I’ll sit in a room of other alcoholics; but because it’s governmently funded, I won’t pay much attention because most of the “information” that’ll will be shoved down our throats will actually be more along the lines of opinions, rather than actual facts. I’ll instead work & write out my new found resentments and hopefully build an arch that I may walk through as I confess them to my sponsor. And hopefully that prescription to self-freeing declaration will do the trick - this time.
Today, I sought clarity once I reached the end of this testimony. I feel nothing. Other than annoyed - still. Awbahumbug!!
Whatever, I don’t care.