The First Cut
Tara had always been someone who kept memories - wrote them and recorded them or collected them and preserved them. It was an essential part of the person she was. She kept a journal to record her days ever since her 10th birthday when her mom gave her one as a turning-double-digit birthday gift. It took her a while to get started but once she did it became her closest companion, her organic confidante. Everything and anything that had to do with two most important organs in her body - every random musing of her head and any intense feeling her heart experienced - was shared with her silent confidante.
It was two days since her Nana's funeral and seeing Daniel's mother had triggered a lot of bittersweet memories. She was still staying with her parents and had a day more with them before she went back to life she lived. A few emotional steps back into the past made her take a few steps to her closet. She knew just what she wanted. The trunk of memories lay untouched at the bottom. She pulled it out and briefly pondered if would be Pandora's box before she unlocked it and the scent of old memories came gushing at her.
Cards, letters, gifts, little trinkets, movie tickets, journals ... everything that had some importance to her from age 10 to age 20 - her pupal period - was there for her to relive. It was as she now realised an awkwardly extraordinary phase that prepared her and readied her to break out of her chrysalis and fly. She took the journal she had kept when she was all of 12 - young and innocent and smiled.
" Mom was pretty nasty today. She forced me to have the stupid breakfast I didnt like. I hate it when she forces. But there is no choice. If I have to live here I have to obey what she says. Thats what she says. How I wish I had a pet dog I could feed all the breakfast I didnt like from under the table, when she isnt looking. But she wont let me keep a pet dog too. How bad is that. That is it for today. This weekend looks to be boring. We have to complete the project on mughal history. I hate history. but if I dont complete I will be history. "
Tara could not help but chuckle at the waffles of her 12 year old self. Pages and pages of home and school life. Of days of friendships and days of studying. Her hand lingered on the cover of the journal of 20 years back. Year 16 gave her Daniel.
" I saw him for the first time today. It was such a normal day at the canteen and I was busy eating and talking to the girls when I looked up from my plate and saw him. There was no reason to but I just looked straight into his eyes. It was such a powerful moment. He looked at me too. I dont know for how long but it certainly felt like a lifetime. Coming back home I cannot not remember much about him. But those eyes keep haunting me. Is this love at first sight ? PS I think I now know how it feels to blush. "
Tara turned a few pages ...
" I had the bestest birthday of my life. Daniel came over to our table at the canteen and asked if we could talk. I cannot explain how I was feeling. Scared, nervous, excited, dancing happy. I got up and followed him while the girls giggled and mumbled at the table. We went out and his held out his hand saying Happy Birthday. I almost fainted. Thank God my hand was in his or for sure I would have collapsed on the floor. Yes. he held my hand and I wished and prayed he would hold it forever. Isnt birthday wishes supposed to come true ? Where is my fairy god mother when I need her the most ? He gave a small gift too asking May I after pulling it out from his pocket. I dont remember if I said thank you. Before going he said " I think you're great and I would love to see you more. " His hands no longer held mine for real but he was holding me in some way or else I would surely have collapsed as he turned and walked away with a wink and a smile. His smile if infectious - I have been smiling the whole day and cannot stop smiling even now. It is almost midnight.
PS The gift by the way is a red heart shaped key chain with Tara inscribed on it in white. I love it."
A few more pages ...
" We are officially a couple now. It is six months now since my birthday. We talk everyday at the canteen, he holds my hand in hallways and sometimes puts his arms around me when we sit to talk after school. The time before mom comes to pick me up and takes me away from him. Today after school we were sitting at our usual corner at the northwest end of school when he suddenly leaned over and kissed me. Full mouthed and just like in the movies. I didnt know what to do and just kept my mouth open and eyes closed. I was not sure what to do with my hands either. They just froze mid air. I have never been kissed before. Not a peck on the cheek. Not during truth and dare games at birthday parties. And ofcourse never the lips and tongue and other stuff kind of kiss. I know my life has changed. I am so happy. And I love it. "
Tara smiled at the memories that were being awakened. She felt the butterflies in her stomach and the strong pull at her heart. She remembered that Daniel had the eyes that made her love him and the laugh that made her heart beat. He wrote her love letters that said " I hope our relationship grows with us and lasts forever " , gave her cards that read " To the world you are someone , but to someone you are the world. " He had loved her before she knew how to love herself or how to let a man love her. Her first love did have a fair share of innocence and passion. True it might have been at the time of her life when her greatest worry was maintaining her top grade in mathematics and attaining some sane grade in history. But it gave her so much happiness and so much pain too. It was her first love and her first cut.
A few years later ...
" The turn of the millenium has turned my life too. The world didnt end but my life pretty much did. The last few days have been tough. Daniel and I have been fighting. We have been breaking up and making up. He is leaving for professional college tomorrow. We met at the park in the evening. He gave me a letter a red rose and a CD of songs - our songs selected and recorded by him. The letter read - Is it the beginning of the end or the end of a beginning. Whatever it is I would like to thank you for all the love we shared the last 4 years. And I want you to remember that no matter what happens in the future , no one can take away the memories of our past away from us. I wanted to cry. I knew he was going away from me. I wanted so much to hold him and never let go. He hugged me tight in the park and kissed me long. It was as if he didnt want to leave but knew he had to. I watched him as he turned and walked away - from me and out of my life. "
Tara took the CD and played it. In your eyes was the first song ...
" love I get so lost, sometimes
days pass and this emptiness fills my heart
when I want to run away
I drive off in my car
but whichever way I go
I come back to the place you are " Tears welled up inside of her. Daniel and Tara kept in touch throughout college but nothing came out of it other than weekend phone calls , weekly emails and occasional meet ups in the summer to check in on each other. They tried to make their relationship work as adults , but it didn't last - as most don't.
Tara looked through a few things in her trunk and put them back as her mother called out to her for dinner. She came back to her room and took out her journal.
" I looked back at my relationship with Daniel today. It was truly the relatiosnhip that catapulated me into all others. the one that prepared me for all the ups and downs of love and life that lay ahead. He is out there living his life and I am living mine. Perhaps not as we imagined we would.
First love is beautiful for all its vulnerability. Our innocence allows us to feel without inhibitions and hesitations of fear. With no cautionary memories to bind us we storm into all that is new and unlimited. We are perhaps at our finest when with our first love. We are pure. When I fell in love for the first time , I imagined it would be my last. I had been awakened to a new version of myself. I was more vibrant and more creative and totally in my elements. The sky was bluer, the grass was greener and life as a whole shifted to throbbing technicolor from mundane monochrome. I was never more alive than in that time.
In the same intensity the first cut is really the deepest. Clearly it left its mark. For some couples first love blossoms into everlasting love. They are however an exception to the rule rather than the norm. The norm is that your first love often ends in heart break. The first cut is deep. Unprotected by years of guard and defense , its sting as sharp as it pierces the virgin heart. Sometimes the cut can be so deep that it leaves a void as it did for me. The void created when a vibrant part of me was scooped out. My mind created a protective barrier around my heart , a barrier to love. Retaining wisdom and attempting to remove the barriers became the tightrope I had to walk in order to open my heart again.
I didn't get my story book ending. I realise that we live real lives and not those crafted in fiction. My first love was not my last but it certainly was my best. It remains to this day etched in my heart. Forever. It is a reminder of the finest part of myself, the part I found as I united with another. The part I lost when I surrendered to fate. Love holds no guarantee for any of us. It is the realm we enter to find ourselves again and again. Our old self sometimes or a new one perhaps. I realise I need to fill that void in my heart, nurtured inspite of newer relationships and responsibilities. I have to fill it with vibrant me in newer shades and that will be a gift I give to myself to share with others in my life. "
(This is my entry for Week 5 of LJ Idol - Rivals and Friends . Concrits and feed backs are highly appreciated.)
It was two days since her Nana's funeral and seeing Daniel's mother had triggered a lot of bittersweet memories. She was still staying with her parents and had a day more with them before she went back to life she lived. A few emotional steps back into the past made her take a few steps to her closet. She knew just what she wanted. The trunk of memories lay untouched at the bottom. She pulled it out and briefly pondered if would be Pandora's box before she unlocked it and the scent of old memories came gushing at her.
Cards, letters, gifts, little trinkets, movie tickets, journals ... everything that had some importance to her from age 10 to age 20 - her pupal period - was there for her to relive. It was as she now realised an awkwardly extraordinary phase that prepared her and readied her to break out of her chrysalis and fly. She took the journal she had kept when she was all of 12 - young and innocent and smiled.
" Mom was pretty nasty today. She forced me to have the stupid breakfast I didnt like. I hate it when she forces. But there is no choice. If I have to live here I have to obey what she says. Thats what she says. How I wish I had a pet dog I could feed all the breakfast I didnt like from under the table, when she isnt looking. But she wont let me keep a pet dog too. How bad is that. That is it for today. This weekend looks to be boring. We have to complete the project on mughal history. I hate history. but if I dont complete I will be history. "
Tara could not help but chuckle at the waffles of her 12 year old self. Pages and pages of home and school life. Of days of friendships and days of studying. Her hand lingered on the cover of the journal of 20 years back. Year 16 gave her Daniel.
" I saw him for the first time today. It was such a normal day at the canteen and I was busy eating and talking to the girls when I looked up from my plate and saw him. There was no reason to but I just looked straight into his eyes. It was such a powerful moment. He looked at me too. I dont know for how long but it certainly felt like a lifetime. Coming back home I cannot not remember much about him. But those eyes keep haunting me. Is this love at first sight ? PS I think I now know how it feels to blush. "
Tara turned a few pages ...
" I had the bestest birthday of my life. Daniel came over to our table at the canteen and asked if we could talk. I cannot explain how I was feeling. Scared, nervous, excited, dancing happy. I got up and followed him while the girls giggled and mumbled at the table. We went out and his held out his hand saying Happy Birthday. I almost fainted. Thank God my hand was in his or for sure I would have collapsed on the floor. Yes. he held my hand and I wished and prayed he would hold it forever. Isnt birthday wishes supposed to come true ? Where is my fairy god mother when I need her the most ? He gave a small gift too asking May I after pulling it out from his pocket. I dont remember if I said thank you. Before going he said " I think you're great and I would love to see you more. " His hands no longer held mine for real but he was holding me in some way or else I would surely have collapsed as he turned and walked away with a wink and a smile. His smile if infectious - I have been smiling the whole day and cannot stop smiling even now. It is almost midnight.
PS The gift by the way is a red heart shaped key chain with Tara inscribed on it in white. I love it."
A few more pages ...
" We are officially a couple now. It is six months now since my birthday. We talk everyday at the canteen, he holds my hand in hallways and sometimes puts his arms around me when we sit to talk after school. The time before mom comes to pick me up and takes me away from him. Today after school we were sitting at our usual corner at the northwest end of school when he suddenly leaned over and kissed me. Full mouthed and just like in the movies. I didnt know what to do and just kept my mouth open and eyes closed. I was not sure what to do with my hands either. They just froze mid air. I have never been kissed before. Not a peck on the cheek. Not during truth and dare games at birthday parties. And ofcourse never the lips and tongue and other stuff kind of kiss. I know my life has changed. I am so happy. And I love it. "
Tara smiled at the memories that were being awakened. She felt the butterflies in her stomach and the strong pull at her heart. She remembered that Daniel had the eyes that made her love him and the laugh that made her heart beat. He wrote her love letters that said " I hope our relationship grows with us and lasts forever " , gave her cards that read " To the world you are someone , but to someone you are the world. " He had loved her before she knew how to love herself or how to let a man love her. Her first love did have a fair share of innocence and passion. True it might have been at the time of her life when her greatest worry was maintaining her top grade in mathematics and attaining some sane grade in history. But it gave her so much happiness and so much pain too. It was her first love and her first cut.
A few years later ...
" The turn of the millenium has turned my life too. The world didnt end but my life pretty much did. The last few days have been tough. Daniel and I have been fighting. We have been breaking up and making up. He is leaving for professional college tomorrow. We met at the park in the evening. He gave me a letter a red rose and a CD of songs - our songs selected and recorded by him. The letter read - Is it the beginning of the end or the end of a beginning. Whatever it is I would like to thank you for all the love we shared the last 4 years. And I want you to remember that no matter what happens in the future , no one can take away the memories of our past away from us. I wanted to cry. I knew he was going away from me. I wanted so much to hold him and never let go. He hugged me tight in the park and kissed me long. It was as if he didnt want to leave but knew he had to. I watched him as he turned and walked away - from me and out of my life. "
Tara took the CD and played it. In your eyes was the first song ...
" love I get so lost, sometimes
days pass and this emptiness fills my heart
when I want to run away
I drive off in my car
but whichever way I go
I come back to the place you are " Tears welled up inside of her. Daniel and Tara kept in touch throughout college but nothing came out of it other than weekend phone calls , weekly emails and occasional meet ups in the summer to check in on each other. They tried to make their relationship work as adults , but it didn't last - as most don't.
Tara looked through a few things in her trunk and put them back as her mother called out to her for dinner. She came back to her room and took out her journal.
" I looked back at my relationship with Daniel today. It was truly the relatiosnhip that catapulated me into all others. the one that prepared me for all the ups and downs of love and life that lay ahead. He is out there living his life and I am living mine. Perhaps not as we imagined we would.
First love is beautiful for all its vulnerability. Our innocence allows us to feel without inhibitions and hesitations of fear. With no cautionary memories to bind us we storm into all that is new and unlimited. We are perhaps at our finest when with our first love. We are pure. When I fell in love for the first time , I imagined it would be my last. I had been awakened to a new version of myself. I was more vibrant and more creative and totally in my elements. The sky was bluer, the grass was greener and life as a whole shifted to throbbing technicolor from mundane monochrome. I was never more alive than in that time.
In the same intensity the first cut is really the deepest. Clearly it left its mark. For some couples first love blossoms into everlasting love. They are however an exception to the rule rather than the norm. The norm is that your first love often ends in heart break. The first cut is deep. Unprotected by years of guard and defense , its sting as sharp as it pierces the virgin heart. Sometimes the cut can be so deep that it leaves a void as it did for me. The void created when a vibrant part of me was scooped out. My mind created a protective barrier around my heart , a barrier to love. Retaining wisdom and attempting to remove the barriers became the tightrope I had to walk in order to open my heart again.
I didn't get my story book ending. I realise that we live real lives and not those crafted in fiction. My first love was not my last but it certainly was my best. It remains to this day etched in my heart. Forever. It is a reminder of the finest part of myself, the part I found as I united with another. The part I lost when I surrendered to fate. Love holds no guarantee for any of us. It is the realm we enter to find ourselves again and again. Our old self sometimes or a new one perhaps. I realise I need to fill that void in my heart, nurtured inspite of newer relationships and responsibilities. I have to fill it with vibrant me in newer shades and that will be a gift I give to myself to share with others in my life. "
(This is my entry for Week 5 of LJ Idol - Rivals and Friends . Concrits and feed backs are highly appreciated.)