no matter how good of a person you are: you will get shit on over and over again
I used to wonder why so many adults became so cynical. Loyalty and integrity mean nothing in the world. I don't see myself ever truly giving them up, but I find the better you are as a person the more you get walked all over even me, Vanessa, who doesn't take shit. I'm finishing packing up my house and cleaning. The worst part is that it's all crap left that should have been in another box, but it didn't make it so now I have "random" boxes. In the last two months I have been through more than one would believe. I don't care to post it all on livejournal, but trust me you would stand with your jaw hanging to the floor if you really knew. The thing is, the more trauma I go through, the more life lessons I learn. I have changed in ways I never knew I could, and I suppose for that I am thankful. I sit here in my empty house, and I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to go punch Robyn (the reason I am being forced to move...my upstairs "neighbor") right in her ugly nose. I want to sodomize Adrienne. But I don't, and I won't. I don't want to live my life like a nomad, and then move in with some strange guy to chase him out and then live with other people. I like having my OWN house, where no one can say or think shit, because it is MINE. Unfortunately that is not the case. The next year I will live with people I'm not so sure I want to, but I'll have a place to call home I guess. I eventually will have a source of steady income, and I will go about functioning like I never had a nervous breakdown. The world doesn't stop just because you can't function. I wish I could make it, but it doesn't work that way. At least I know that God didn't bring me this far to drop me. It gives me a peace that truly does surpass my understanding. Well I suppose that I should continue cleaning and packing and go about feeling numb to it all instead of thinking about it or feeling it.