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"okay, I'm not really sure what to say, but I am undergoing a lot of change right now, I suppose. But, first, just to get the big stuff out of the way: I have felt like complete and utter shit. Like, guilty and grossed out by myself, but also physically tired and weaker and less vivacious. Also, this has only exacerbated my food anxiety issues. I ( Read more... )
(space to remember a little)
and I like you a lot. Meaning I don't want to say 'I love you' because that's too obvious and what I really mean is that I admire your personal qualities, intelligence and acuity, and some her things that I can't put words on but attract me to you.
I was starting to feel awful at the beginning of summer, just dejected and miserable, and I was letting habitual depression and anxiety come back over me; I wasn't allowed to be with my sister and I hadn't seen any friends, I was going to the doctor a lot and getting frustrated, sleeping for twelve hours every day and spending the rest of the time alone, packing my belongings. I asked my mom to take me back to the therapist, I wanted to start taking something so that I wouldn't lose myself entirely in the big city, where it's cold and dirty. Its pretty shameful to admit it, but Oprah made me feel better. Oprah's videos with Eckhart Tolle, who wrote a new earth.
It just helped me remember how to catch hold of myself before I fall into a pattern of detachment, a general disengagement from reality which can become debilitating. I still don't feel connected to my family, but I know that I'm going to be close to Ioana, one of the girls in my apartment, and I am scared to, but I have to be open to her love, and the future, and the oneness of the universe (haha).
I don't understand myself or my feelings, or who I am or other people or anything at all, but I am trying to be present, at least, and feel my toes and my heartbeat, and remember that things are fluid, everything is alive.
I mean, sometimes everything sucks but I just have to try.
I hope that we stay friends in a non-awkward way.
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I mean, sometimes everything sucks but I just have to try.
yes yes yes.
I really want to stay friends too! Call me/ online talk to me/ whatevah!
Actually, once I move to Boca, I will initiate an address exchange (if that is okay with you?) and maybe we can be letter pals ('cause I hate the term "pen pals")?
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