(no subject)
"okay, I'm not really sure what to say, but I am undergoing a lot of change right now, I suppose. But, first, just to get the big stuff out of the way: I have felt like complete and utter shit. Like, guilty and grossed out by myself, but also physically tired and weaker and less vivacious. Also, this has only exacerbated my food anxiety issues. I have started taking Wellbutrin, which I sort of am annoyed by right now, but whatever. I still have to keep taking it for longer for it to work to its full effect apparently. I don't know how I feel about this, from a moral or ethical standpoint. How cyborg does this make me? However, I guess I should also acknowledge that I haven't been enjoying being myself for a long time, so things can really only get better probably (hopefully).
My health in general has been declining, and I realize I need to recognize some alarming things I tried to ignore or felt indifferent to.
JP and I are...7 months and going, which is nice to think about, I suppose. He is my best friend, someone I am investing in, my own pleasant mystery. But we are also having to come to terms with our differences, never pleasant, but this only solidifies us more. I don't know why I can't get over being afraid and evasive though. Why we can't stop tugging back and forth with each other. Sometimes I feel myself deadening to it emotionally, and I know this is unfair. It takes such a conscious effort for me to maintain an emotional connection to the things around me. I don't know if this is really delusional or what, but sometimes I can walk through weeks at a time feeling nothing and going through procedure and activity and motion after motion, and I view everything around me in this really bizarre two-dimensional way. I forget that other people and the events that tie me to them are real I guess.
Being this unhappy has been really debilitating, honestly. Getting out of bed in the morning feels gut-wrenching, but I try to manage so that I can pull through in school, to be of convenience to my future self, when I could have to take exams or need Bright Futures because my family has grown too disgusted with me. Despite everything, I can't shake this eerie calm within myself. I don't think I could accurately depict it, but it is a shadowy presence in my thoughts, and never allows me to lash out explosively or satisfyingly. At times stifling and frustrating, I cannot tell if this is conditioning of manners by society or my own weird device. "
That was from two months ago--early, early May. I suppose things are much, much different now. I don't know, I'm not sure. Still!
On June 19th, at 9:19pm, I crashed my car. It is totaled. It is gone. It is frustrating.
Wellbutrin, scarily enough, or helpfully enough, has made everything easier to deal with. It is very weird to realize that I am not so gripped by the present tense, and that the future seems lighter, less burdensome and most incredibly, within grasp. It is like viewing and responding through a tinted window. Nothing is distorted, just experienced in a different, reassured/self-assured shade. And, it is fine by me. For now. For as long as I can hope for.
But, there are some things that are not pleasant: I am anxiety-crazy; I also have to take sleeping medication now. Because, if I don't, I can't stay asleep for more than 3 hours at a time--with nightmares. But Ambien knocks me the fuck out.
I am trying. I mean, really trying to be the change. They, things, this and that, come into your life and slip through your fingers like water. It is not useful to own them. My father is right: "You can't take it with you." The only thing that I can ever really have is what I have already. I have that, and must never forget or ignore it. You really are the only person who can serve yourself best.
JP and I are 10 months and going, which I couldn't be more delighted about. I am happy.
I think I am more alert, affable, engaged, assertive. Less glum, despairing, disconnected, wooden.
"knock on wood."