My Complaining Should Be Easier to Ignore Than My Name
The wonderfully spunky soprano who usually sits next to me in choir was sick this past Sunday and yesterday at choir practice as well. Unfortunately, she has a part in a small ensemble and choir for a crazy piece we're singing this Sunday. It's not a huge part; it's the middle line of a three-part women's trio singing in close chords alternating with the men's trio. The choir sings at the beginning and end of the piece while the ensemble--the two trios--sing in the middle.
In case the spunky soprano is still sick this Sunday, the choir director looked around at rehearsal last night and asked aloud, "Who can sing back-up?" This was a rhetorical question because choir directors are dictators, even the nice ones.
I was too afraid to look up and make weird faces at him to catch his attention. Not that he could have seen me over the music rack on the piano.
Still, a woman's voice jumped in from the middle of the room and called out my name.
I thought it was the popular alto at first, the one who makes airheaded, funny jokes but is really quite intelligent, because she was sitting in that area and smiled, but it was the best alto, a particular friend of J.'s and sort of mine. We shared the same Voice teacher for awhile before our teacher moved, and she has spoken to the choir director before about granting me a solo.
But the choir director mused for a moment more and assigned the part to the, well, it's not fair to call her the second-best alto because she's quite good and very versatile.
I had announced to J. that I was through complaining about it because the director'll grant me a solo if and when he wants to, and I've stopped asking him every few months. I assume he has his reasons, some combination of convenience (easiest to assign solos to the same people over and over), politics, and voice type and maturity. It can't be seniority so much, at least in terms of years of singing in our choir, because I've been there longer than a newer first and a newer second soprano who are learning their second solos. But they also have more singing experience than I do despite my puny little music degree, and they're older and blend with the other soloists better. So I am done complaining because it's awesome that I get paid, and it's not like I'm in top form and taking Voice lessons right now.
It's just frustrating to have no classical or really any singing outlet except choir. I went from star pupil in India--a very, very strange position for me--to meek choral singer who happens to get paid.
But I wouldn't have wanted this part to be my first. The others have already been rehearsing it for two weeks, and the harmonies are really weird. It would have been extremely difficult for me to pick out my notes with no cue in the accompaniment and with a five-minute rehearsal. So I don't mind. And come to think of it, both the soprano and the back-up alto he assigned are really good at picking out their notes with little help.
However, I was surprisingly upset and animated when I got home from choir last night and couldn't figure out why until I realized it was the back-up assignment. It wasn't so much that I wasn't picked. I'm grateful to the alto for being so brave to call out my name, but I didn't really want that part (instead of opening the door to me for other parts, it would likely have been my once-and-only part because few solos are given to the non-best singers). But it put my name on the spot to be rejected or brushed over or unheard. Whichever it was. I'm embarrassed because it was pointed out to the whole choir that I should have gotten some small part at some point and never have, even with the best alto's good word and the good opinion of several others. That's really the crux of it.
Spitefully, I feel like I "win" if I either get a pretty solo that I can do well or if I don't get anything at all. I don't like martyrs much, but it's interesting from an objective view if the choir sings at my wedding when I am the bride and, har-har, the "star"--I'm rolling my eyes--and that will mark the end of my full-time participation in the choir because I'll move back to my hometown to live with J. We still plan to drive down every Sunday because I have dance class, and we might as well sing the second service with the choir since we know the repertoire and J. is super-attached to the choir, but I definitely won't be up for any solos then and doubt I would get paid for one service a week and no Wednesday nights. But I'll probably get some two-measure dopey thing at some point.
There is one particular solo for a song I adore, and it would suit my voice well. The soprano it was originally assigned to left the choir right before I went to India, and I asked for it last year. However, the choir director explained to me that it is sung only during alternate years for the Service of Lessons and Carols on Christmas Eve. It wasn't on the program last year, but that means it should be this year. I am probably too late because he assigned it to the best soprano the year I was in India, and it might be considered "hers" now. I don't know if I'll be terrified or delighted if he assigns it to me after all--with any luck, he'd notify me more than a week or two before. But I don't expect me.
The business of solos reminds me of how I portioned out my Barbie clothes to my various Barbies when I was little. Instead of having them share all the clothes equally, most items "belonged" to one particular Barbie or other. My top favorite Barbies got about 80% of the clothes, and it was rare for other Barbies to wear them. Many were lucky to "own" even one article, and several had to go naked.
I've given up and flaunt around naked. I don't complain discreetly to other choir member friends anymore, I don't complain to J. Evidently, I still complain in lj, but to any choir member I just shrug. I've imagined my reaction a dozen times, no doubt a far cry from reality should it ever come to pass. But it's less pressure on me, I have other arts to work on, and you can't take a solo to the bank. I just want to forget the fruitless echo of my name in a room of forty musicians.
In case the spunky soprano is still sick this Sunday, the choir director looked around at rehearsal last night and asked aloud, "Who can sing back-up?" This was a rhetorical question because choir directors are dictators, even the nice ones.
I was too afraid to look up and make weird faces at him to catch his attention. Not that he could have seen me over the music rack on the piano.
Still, a woman's voice jumped in from the middle of the room and called out my name.
I thought it was the popular alto at first, the one who makes airheaded, funny jokes but is really quite intelligent, because she was sitting in that area and smiled, but it was the best alto, a particular friend of J.'s and sort of mine. We shared the same Voice teacher for awhile before our teacher moved, and she has spoken to the choir director before about granting me a solo.
But the choir director mused for a moment more and assigned the part to the, well, it's not fair to call her the second-best alto because she's quite good and very versatile.
I had announced to J. that I was through complaining about it because the director'll grant me a solo if and when he wants to, and I've stopped asking him every few months. I assume he has his reasons, some combination of convenience (easiest to assign solos to the same people over and over), politics, and voice type and maturity. It can't be seniority so much, at least in terms of years of singing in our choir, because I've been there longer than a newer first and a newer second soprano who are learning their second solos. But they also have more singing experience than I do despite my puny little music degree, and they're older and blend with the other soloists better. So I am done complaining because it's awesome that I get paid, and it's not like I'm in top form and taking Voice lessons right now.
It's just frustrating to have no classical or really any singing outlet except choir. I went from star pupil in India--a very, very strange position for me--to meek choral singer who happens to get paid.
But I wouldn't have wanted this part to be my first. The others have already been rehearsing it for two weeks, and the harmonies are really weird. It would have been extremely difficult for me to pick out my notes with no cue in the accompaniment and with a five-minute rehearsal. So I don't mind. And come to think of it, both the soprano and the back-up alto he assigned are really good at picking out their notes with little help.
However, I was surprisingly upset and animated when I got home from choir last night and couldn't figure out why until I realized it was the back-up assignment. It wasn't so much that I wasn't picked. I'm grateful to the alto for being so brave to call out my name, but I didn't really want that part (instead of opening the door to me for other parts, it would likely have been my once-and-only part because few solos are given to the non-best singers). But it put my name on the spot to be rejected or brushed over or unheard. Whichever it was. I'm embarrassed because it was pointed out to the whole choir that I should have gotten some small part at some point and never have, even with the best alto's good word and the good opinion of several others. That's really the crux of it.
Spitefully, I feel like I "win" if I either get a pretty solo that I can do well or if I don't get anything at all. I don't like martyrs much, but it's interesting from an objective view if the choir sings at my wedding when I am the bride and, har-har, the "star"--I'm rolling my eyes--and that will mark the end of my full-time participation in the choir because I'll move back to my hometown to live with J. We still plan to drive down every Sunday because I have dance class, and we might as well sing the second service with the choir since we know the repertoire and J. is super-attached to the choir, but I definitely won't be up for any solos then and doubt I would get paid for one service a week and no Wednesday nights. But I'll probably get some two-measure dopey thing at some point.
There is one particular solo for a song I adore, and it would suit my voice well. The soprano it was originally assigned to left the choir right before I went to India, and I asked for it last year. However, the choir director explained to me that it is sung only during alternate years for the Service of Lessons and Carols on Christmas Eve. It wasn't on the program last year, but that means it should be this year. I am probably too late because he assigned it to the best soprano the year I was in India, and it might be considered "hers" now. I don't know if I'll be terrified or delighted if he assigns it to me after all--with any luck, he'd notify me more than a week or two before. But I don't expect me.
The business of solos reminds me of how I portioned out my Barbie clothes to my various Barbies when I was little. Instead of having them share all the clothes equally, most items "belonged" to one particular Barbie or other. My top favorite Barbies got about 80% of the clothes, and it was rare for other Barbies to wear them. Many were lucky to "own" even one article, and several had to go naked.
I've given up and flaunt around naked. I don't complain discreetly to other choir member friends anymore, I don't complain to J. Evidently, I still complain in lj, but to any choir member I just shrug. I've imagined my reaction a dozen times, no doubt a far cry from reality should it ever come to pass. But it's less pressure on me, I have other arts to work on, and you can't take a solo to the bank. I just want to forget the fruitless echo of my name in a room of forty musicians.