(no subject)
so what do you do when the person you love asks you to get better? ive never had someone approach me with such blatant honesty about how i am fucking myself up. it harsh. but i need it. im so torn. i have this voice telling me that its obvious that i should choose the road of health and happiness but i am confused by the other voice that tells me that i cant be happy unless its complicated. i seem to never be satisfied unless my life is falling apart in one way or another. i thrive off it somehow. its the sickness. what do i do when i want to do something self-destructive? i cant keep doing this, i want babies some day. i want to live...period. but, i also cant help but hate food vehemently. it IS the devil. it makes people sick. food is the disease i hope to overcome. eating is makes people weak, truly. see, im confused. i say i want to live, but to me, being thin is more important than living. im trying hard. hard to think of reasons to not be so fucking selfish. i thought of one. my cousins. what would it do to them if i died? i cant do that to my babies. plus, what am i doing setting an example of sickness for them. anthony already throws up his food and alex...well he is growing to be about as warped as me. he gets excited when he can see his ribs...he starves and learns to shove toothbrushes down his throat to get what he wants. i cried so hard when he told me that. he is just a baby, why do we do this to ourselves? i need to stop being such a fucking moron. im not a person anymore. im always angry because im hungry, hateful, bitter, lethargic, weak, introverted. im not the same. i hate it. i pull away from the people who matter most. i need to stop. need to. there are healthy alternatives. but as i arrive at this decision after MUCH consideration, tears and vomit i cant help but be daunted at the path i have set out for myself. its not so easy. i can pretend to be healthy, eat, not purge, everything in moderation...but what do i do when the guilt washes over me in waves of heavy depression, what about the self-loathing, and when i gain weight, what do i tell myself to let my mind know its ok? how do i cope? how do i stop hating food, myself and the world in general for putting me in so much pain? i know i can eventually stop blaming, i can. but im unsure of whether or not i can stop my warped perception. i still want my bones to stick out, i still want my legs to shake, i still want the light headed feeling, i still want to nothing but air. so where does this leave me? either way im just painting a picture of who i am....either way.